One of my favourites...
Dark chocolate, lindt 70% dark with mint oil for personal preference.

The object of your desires is laid out someplace comfy and given strict orders not to wriggle* then one corner of a square of chocolate can be used like a crayon to draw on the warm canvas set before you.
Loops and swirls, vines, flowers, little baroque accents around the places you want to pay special attention to, etc...

Move slowly and gently, let body heat melt the edge of the chocolate, don't drag it across the skin too harshly.

Then comes either following the lines with kisses, licks and nibbles, carefully removing every trace of artwork until your best beloved is writhing gently and sparkling clean.**
Or relaxing on top of them, pressing skin to naked skin and taking an imprint of the carefully drawn patterns onto yourself before releasing your partner and asking winsomely if they like chocolate too...


*Ropes, chains, or a firm disapproving stare as needed
**For certain values of clean
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 13:08, 16 replies)

like the sound of this
reckon my other half would too. although not the mint, because she doesn't like it (the freak)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 13:49, closed)

This sounds gay.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 14:53, closed)

you're gay
just because you have to get your jollies by being scrubbed with a wire brush dipped in turps...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:02, closed)

Don't knock it til you've tried it.
Dirty sex is where is it's at.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:03, closed)

dirty as in grubby and grimy?
doesn't appeal to me. mind you, using food doesn't particularly either, other than the above because it involves intricate tracery and stuff. arty. I'm all about pretentious sex.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:14, closed)

pretentious, meaningful, sensuous...
rank alongside "rolepay" and "teamwork" as words I fear.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:24, closed)

Or the words that strike fear and terror into my very soul
"I'd like to share with you this poem which I wrote, which really encapsulates what I'm feeling at the moment"

I'm with CHCB on this one.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:41, closed)

wasn't entirely serious there
am with you most of the way. roleplay particularly *shudder*

fortunately no one has ever tried to tell me their feelings via the medium of poetry.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:45, closed)

Gay ?
Ok, you can draw crude pictures of cocks if that's less gay.

Happy now ?
I dunno, some people, can't deal with the finer things in life, just waiting to be hurled back onto the bed, legs hauled apart, and fucked like a jackhammer, hardly able to breathe between each cervix battering thrust.

Don't they know that that's thursday nights

( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 16:51, closed)

has it just got
incredibly hot in here?
( admiral crunch holds the newsreader's nose squarely, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 14:55, closed)

You are cassanova
and I claim my £5
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 15:39, closed)

oh, my!
*fans cleavage with a swan-feather fan*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 17:22, closed)

*bookmarks for future reference*

( Maladicta, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 21:26, closed)

Then you shove your cheesy d*ck up her sweaty acidic c*nt
?
(TheColonel, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 10:24, closed)

Yeah, that's it, that's it exactly...
Sarcastic son of a camel!
May the twisted crusty hairs of a thousand unwashed minges become animate, crawl hundreds of miles through broken glass and reeking foetid swamp to infest your underpants and die of a previously unknown disease.


Jesus fuck, does nobody in this malodorous slime pit wash their bits ?

A cock should not be cheesy.
You want someone to suck on it make the damn thing taste good. Wash, the bastard, use soap, rise well and then apply a smidge of toothpaste, rinse again unless that minty cool feeling does it for you.

A cunt should not be acidic, fishy, gritty, or invisible behind an inpenetrable bush of wiry hair. The word "matted" should not even be a possibility. Clam is good, beaver is passable, mammoth just No.
See above re washing.


( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 17:06, closed)

Mills and fucking Boon
Are you a 45 year-old housewife? What do you do for an encore, tickle her all over with a feather?

Sex should primal and animalistic and not sound like something out of the WI's handbook.
(Go on , touch it, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 15:50, closed)