"Never a lender nor borrower be"
'cuz money can right cock up a good relationship, it can.
(goorf, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:58, 1 reply)

From the Trash Whore Diaries blog:
Never pick a fight with someone uglier than you, for they have less to lose.
(Sawdustman now with added giro. again, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:57, 1 reply)

The harder you work
the luckier you get.

Also: "Never eat anything bigger than you can lift." That Miss Piggy knew a thing or two.
( amygdala, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:57, Reply)

MTFU
That. Is. All.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:57, Reply)

So much waste...
Don't scrunch, fold.
(FurtiveBiscuit, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Never shop whilst stoned
You'll either freak our in the fish aisle, or spend your months' wages at the deli counter.
( rofl harris, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Marmite
Marmite is good, especially with cheese. Even better with melted cheese.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:53, 6 replies)

Don't get married
Sometimes I wish I'd followed that 3 years ago and I would have avoided this entire divorce malarkey. Mind you, if I didn't go through all that, I probably wouldn't have found my current girly and that really would be a pisser!!
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:51, 2 replies)

"Don't shop when you're hungry"
Unless you are happy to end up having a Pot Noodle starter and a sandwich made of mini-Babybels and Peparami, like I did.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:47, 4 replies)

Don't fuck about with kittens.
There's a little grey juvenile cat, barely more than a kitten, hanging out around our neighbourhood. He's got a pretty nasty injury on his side, and needs to see a vet. We've been trying to catch him for the past week so we can get him checked out, stitched up and either set free again or sent off to a good home.

The little bastard's too clever to go in the traps we rented from the animal rescue league. His injury is a raw, infected hole the size of an old British penny - severe enough that grabbing him and putting him in a carrier will hurt him, hence the traps. It's also serious enough to most likely kill him if left untreated, and the traps weren't working, hence why this happened.

Yesterday I was outside smoking and saw my chance. He came right up to me, purring. The cat carrier was on the back porch. It was a lovely day, so I wasn't wearing my perennial biker jacket. A call for assistance would spook him, and he'd run. I had to be natural, and sneaky.

I knew that he was going to bite, and he was going to scratch, and without my jacket, it was going to suck. I picked him up - no problems. I approached the carrier - he wriggled. I scruffed him, and brought my forearm in front of his front paws so he couldn't brace himself against the sides of the carrier. I put him in the carrier, much to his protest, and very, very nearly got the door shut.

That's when he engaged his Super Special Cat Skill - the ability to bend space and time around himself and dig a pair of bloody ditches from my elbow to my thumb. A blink later and my other arm had his teeth inside. I knew that he was going to bite, and scratch, and that it would suck - and he bit, and he scratched, and it did in fact suck, but because I was prepared for it I managed to hold on. Then he somehow managed to get a tooth on either side of my left Achilles tendon, and ripped. That was when I screamed, and the cat turned into liquid with fur on the outside and springs on the inside, and my housemate Deanna came to investigate, and wherever I grabbed there was nothing but air and whispers of fur.

So there's me, having been thoroughly defeated by an injured juvenile cat, trying to stand up and failing, and asking Deanna if we had any hydrogen peroxide. I limped upstairs to meet Emily coming down. We had no peroxide - the best we had was soap and water and witchhazel. Deanna looked up what to do while Emily helped me clean myself up and survey the damage.

Whatever that cat had, I had it now. The cat hasn't shown any signs of rabies - but you can't screw around with that, it'll kill your ass dead if you give it half a chance. We don't know the cat, and we don't know what bit him to give him that injury. A trip to the Urgent Care clinic followed. The doctor took one look, asked us if we had the cat, and when we said we didn't, she sent us straight to the emergency room.

If you get worked over by an animal that even might have rabies, you'll have to have injections around all of the puncture wounds. They suck.

I was thoroughly surprised when the large-bore needle burrowing deep into in my Achilles' tendon area made me go crosseyed. It was the sort of white-hot spiking pain that you just can't shrug off, ignore, or take yourself away from - waaaay up there in the "Most painful experiences so far" tally.

When you have rabies injections, they'll use one great big needle (with a very, very broad tip - almost like a knitting needle) and just squirt in a little bit of the stuff at each injection site. At first I tried to distract myself by chatting with Emily and Deanna and counting the injections through gritted teeth. So, y'know, I could rack up Man Points by telling people I'd had eleventy million large-bore rabies injections and totally not even flinched, mate (while leaving out the part about getting my arse kicked by a kitten). When I got to twenty, and we were still on the left-hand side of my body, I gave up counting and asked instead if the doctor could change the needle for a fresh one, since this one was getting blunt and rather than sliding smoothly into my body, it was building up many newtons of unpleasant pressure before finally breaking through my skin with an audible "plurpt."

And that was when she told me that she'd got one cubic centimeter of solution into me so far. One cubic centimeter out of eight. I looked down at the worst bite mark on my left arm - the one where the mark continued around in an unbroken circle roughly the size of the cat's mouth (yeah, he'd given me a hickey too). It looked like a balloon was slowly being inflated inside, with thin red blood and vaccine solution sweating through the injection sites. I got the feeling that if I poked it with my thumb, a dozen little fountains would spring up all around it.

So, my advice is this: don't fuck about with kittens. They'll have your face off if you give them half a chance.
(CavemanJoe lives on improbableisland.com, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:46, Reply)

And another work one.
A former boss once explained to me that if there's something at work that's pissing you off:

1) Change it. Take it to the top and demand it's changed.
2) If it can't be changed, man up and put up with it
3) If you can't face 2, then just quit. Stop whinging, walk out.

Good advice, although it now makes me horrendously intolerant of anyone who won't follow this simple flowchart.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:38, 1 reply)

Whizzy-wees
You can't concentrate when you need a piss, see, and it can really occupy your mind. It can also be embarrassing when you're in a new place with new people and you're trying to act scintillating while trying not to need a nervous wee. You get flustered and make social gaffes, invariably ending in you saying, just as the crowd goes silent, 'Oh sorry, I well need a wee.'

Therefore the best advice I ever received was:

"If you need to piss: Stop. Piss. And carry on."

Just then, I wanted to write more but I'd made myself need a wee, so I stopped, went for a piss and carried on. As such, I didn't need to rush this last sentence.
(dancebiscuits, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:36, Reply)

'There's 3 things you should do to get through a war'
This was, at least before it was rudely interrupted, my grandfather's finest and wisest set of words. This was during WW2, when he was tasked with driving an ammunition truck round the back of a combat zone whilst giving an interview for the army press about survival tips.

'Don't smoke. It's disgusting stuff and puts women off you. Also, don't drink and drive.'

'And the third thing?' asked the journalist.

'Always keep your map by your heart so you don't get lost.'

'That's pretty good advice for a soldier', he remarked.

'Indeed it is, and one day I shall stick to it, but I lost the map in the bar prior to coming on duty tonight.'

That evening, my grandfather drove half a mile through a minefield before fate caught up with him and launched the truck onto its back. The journalist survived, but my foolish relative spent the rest of his days lumbered with metal plates and pins. He took up smoking soon after.

Says a lot about my family.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 20 May 2010, 16:32, Reply)

A friend at uni told me...
Ask people for advice. It makes people think you value their opinion, and you can always just ignore it.

After 10 years of working life, this is the most useful thing anyone's ever given me for "winning" at office politics.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:30, 1 reply)

Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes...
That way, you're a mile away and you've got his shoes.
(billyh, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:30, Reply)

never eat yellow snow...
...or any berries lower than a dog's cocked leg
(asme, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:29, Reply)

And a lazy repost
My grandmother was from Belgium, born in 1895. At the start of the first world war the Germans invaded right past her front door. The day before the battle the local council were warning everyone to get out and evacuating the children. Her family chose to go to France, but she refused and chose to evacuate to England, despite not speaking any English, and not having any family or friends go with her. The whole of her family was wiped out, she survived. She never went back to Belgium for the rest of her life.

In England she met a nice young army sergeant. He was posted to India a few months after they met, and she decided to go too. The rules said only married women could accompany soldiers, but there wasn't time for them to marry in England before he left. It took several months before she could get a ticket, but as soon as she could she travelled by boat to India. Once there, despite only having known him for a few months, and having been separated for some months, she had to marry my grandfather within 24 hours to be allowed to stay with him.

They lived in India for several years, and she had three children. The first died of TB at the age of a few months. The 3rd, my father, was very ill and constantly crying: my grandmother was exhausted and couldn't take any more. Only her 2nd child pleading with her prevented her from killing the screaming baby, who happily grew up to be a healthy young man.

She left India with the 2 children, the youngest only 6 months old, travelling without her husband who travelled with the army. She arrived back in England in a very cold winter with only the light clothes she had from India, but she and the children made it safely back home by train.

She and her husband lived a humble life, as the pay of a sergeant major wasn't particularly high. However she pushed both children to work hard: both of them won scholarships to grammar school (the only way they could have gone) and later both won scholarships to Oxford.

Her husband died when she was 72. By then she was rather frail, but she carried on. She was run over by a lorry when she was 85 and had multiple injuries, but she fought on and recovered. A few years later she would say 'if I hadn't been run over by that lorry I would be alive today.'

At the age of 97 she couldn't cope on her own any more and moved into a home. One day one of the helpers there noticed she had a slight accent, saying 'shukker' for sugar, and asked if she was German, sparking a vicious response. She died 3 months before her 100th birthday.

She was very proud and opinionated, and treated nothing as permanent. She had no mementoes, even very few photographs, and threw away almost everything when her husband died, keeping only his army medals and the paybook which gave her access to his pension. When my brother's girlfriend moved in with him she refused to stay at my parents' house, standing on Wolverhampton station shouting loudly "I will not set foot in your house of sin!".

Her advice to me: look after yourself, no one else will. Never look back. Don't take risks with money or your health. Education is important.

Sound words, all.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:29, 2 replies)

From my late father
In love and in knife fighting, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never be awake when you can be asleep, never pass up a chance to eat or fill your water bottle or top up your ammo.
If you have to fight then fight - everywhere is a target everything is a weapon. Hurt your opponent as much and as quickly as you can and NEVER give them a chance. If you get them on the floor, make certain they stay there.
All coppers are bastards.


Kinda odd for a Buddhist!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:27, 3 replies)

never trust...
a man that tucks his jumper into his trousers and a woman that won't eat an entire bar of chocolate on her own.
(hotpiss is very much liking your popping musics, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:26, Reply)

Ice Cream
From a friend who used to work at Wall's: never eat chocolate ice cream. Any ice cream which is spilled gets shovelled up off the floor, suck in a big vat and coloured brown.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:26, 1 reply)

On the advice of a friend who worked at Rowntrees
Never eat the black wine gums as the workers there have been known (many years ago) to chuck the black ones on the floor, kick them around a bit and then put them in the packet.

Also don't eat a sausage (e.g. Banger), unless the packet ACTUALLY says sausage.
(nospoon The Olympigs would have been more entertaining., Thu 20 May 2010, 16:26, 1 reply)

Bless My Mum
I will never forget the oft-repeated advice given to my brother and myself from our mother, concerning relations with the fairer sex:

"Remember!" she would say, looking at us sternly, "No means NO!"

which was all fine and dandy, except that she would invariably follow it up with

"and yes means NO!"
(asme, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:26, Reply)

My main one...
Don't do anything you'd be embarrassed to do in front of your Mum*

*this does not count for bedroom gymnastics.
**Unless the other party is wielding a camcorder. If you do summat filthy on video, chances are it WILL end up on teh internets.
( Sallyrsm, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:23, 1 reply)

Driving advice
Not so much advice I've been given, but something I say to other people and something I always think about. It's this and it's simple.

1. When driving, whether it's on the motorway, local road, roundabout, etc - the other driver will, inevitably, do something stupid. If you can't see another car/driver, assume one will appear out of nowhere and do something stupid.

Less simple:

If, when considering a manoeuvre, you hesitate, don't go or carry out that manoeuvre as it's wrong. You hesitate, you have doubt, you'll regret it.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Nothing is idiot proof
There are teams of people designing better and better idiots every day.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:13, Reply)

Weather Men.
Should someone call the BBC and say 'they think a hurricane is on the way' don't dismiss them out of hand, they might have claim.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:11, 1 reply)

Grans & Technology
I regail you with tails of woe of a grandmother (sadly, now departed), and a Pentium 75 (not so sadly departed).

I was 15, and my grandad (who is also sadly departed) bought me my first PC, the afformented P75. Although getting on a bit even then, my Grandad was born a number of years before he should've been, as he taught me how to code HTML, helping me immensely in a career as a web developer.

Gran on the other hand, was a saint in that she could see the positive side of anything, but she wasn't good with computers (except for a radar computer in the WWII, which we as a nation are enterally greatful for). I loved her to bits, but

Back then, computers went in & out of fashion at an alarming rate, but whilst nowadays most PC Games work on most Windows systems fine, back then you had the wonders of DOS which allowed most games to be run.

Cue the release of Theme Park, which to get it running on a P75, meant you had to do the following:-

- Create an MS-DOS boot disk
- Restart the computer into MS-DOS
- Open autoexec.bat file in a text editor
- Find the mouse drivers, the speaker drivers, the midi sound board drivers & the CD ROM Drivers
- Copy the lines that called the drivers from the C:/ drive from the autoexec.bat file on the C:/ drive to the one on the A:/ drive
- Restart the machine
- Play the game

Misty eyed brilliance yet, but for a hormonal 15 year old, was an absolute nightmare. Seeing my lack of Theme Park game playing rage, my gran observed the following.

"If things you bought worked straight away, you wouldn't have as much fun with it!"

Different time guys, different time
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:08, 2 replies)

From someone I've unfortunately lost contact with:
"If you can't have fun in your own home you clearly haven't been stocking your house correctly."
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:07, 1 reply)

"Never ski off piste alone"
If I'd crashed ten feet further down the mountain, I would have fallen into a river and died. As it was, I was very, very lucky not to break my leg. I was limping for nearly a month, and I don't ski alone off piste any more, however tempting it is.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:04, 4 replies)

A smattering of wisdom*
TANSTAAFL goes all the way from bottom to top.

If you're going to break someone's nose/windscreen/heart don't do it by accident. Think about it, and either do it on purpose with a clear consience, or don't do it at all.

Regrets are sign that you've done something that's against your own best interest.

Examine your motivations. Know why you're doing something, especially if it's a favour for someone.
Try to boil it down to "what do I get out of this ?" even if it's nothing more than the happy glow of making someone's life sweeter.
If you're only doing to avoid an earful of whining then perhaps the person concerned needs a lesson in manning the fuck up.

Never worry
Never hurry
Never fill your hat with curry.


*For small values of wise
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:00, 4 replies)