Animal cruelty
It shouldn't have made me laugh so much, but the sight was hilarious. I was fourteen or so and we were walking round a small seaside town when a little dog came trotting past. It stood in the middle of a square, obviously lost and alone. A man came up behind it and kicked it (it was a very small dog) not hard, but firmly- more a sort of boot under the arse, lift then kicked off. The dog flew. Quite literally. There were horrified gasps from the animal loving British public, mutterings about cruelty. And there was me laughing helplessly.

I also heard the explanation the man gave, which was simply 'I just couldn't help it, it was too tempting.'

Edit: as far as I could tell, the dog was unhurt. It landed fine, and trotted off
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 21:32, 5 replies)

I work in shop full of Women......
Upon seeing the story of the paragliding donkey in Russia, I pissed myself laughing. They all got upset and said how cruel it was and wasnt at all funny. I mean come on.............a fucking paragliding Donkey!!!!!!!!
(dr-kill, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 21:18, 8 replies)

I have this file littered all over my hard drive
and on various memory cards, devices

Whenever I see it, I play it. It's only 20 seconds.

First thing in the morning, or whenever I stumble over it in the course of my day, it's like having an Espresso of Mirth. It never fails. Why?

personally, I think it's the wink.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=d15xiDJY61I
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 21:17, 7 replies)

For living in Cornwall when I can't (at least for another couple of years), your punishment is...
I was in Cornwall about two weeks ago on an extreme sports instructor course. As the course was three days and I live a long way from Cornwall (350+ miles) I was also staying there for the day before and the day after. On the evening I finished the course, I was celebrating passing in a beach bar in Newquay. I'd had a couple of drinks with the friendly barstaff when I wandered out onto the terrace to watch the sun go down. As I was doing so, I saw the surf school training on the small strip of beach visible under the incoming tide. One girl of about fifteen or sixteen was clearly not paying attention as she ran along in the breakers, so she was totally oblivious to the freak wave heading straight for her. Perhaps I'm a bad person, but I couldn't help but will her not to turn around.

Sure enough, she didn't turn and the wave clobbered her, making her turn almost a complete cartwheel over the top as it took her legs out. I, being the B3tan that I am, started laughing my head off as she picked herself up with a rather dazed expression. The guilty part came from when I looked to my right and saw a group of three late middle-aged men staring at me as though I had just farted in the prescence of royalty, and slowly shaking their heads...
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 21:10, 1 reply)

My Son is 2
And likes running. When he starts running he shouts GO GO GO as to warn us what he is doing (don't ask why, cos I don't know)

So when he shouted GO GO GO about six feet from a glass door I knew what was going to happen. Unfortunately for him three facts were true

1) I was too far away to stop him
2) Just under six feet is about how long it takes him to get to full speed.
3) He hit the door, head down, HARD.

I really shouldn't laugh at this, but I did, infront of a shop full of people.

Well it WAS funny...
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:39, 2 replies)

Showing her knickers
I used to work with a lady who was really prim and proper. She was in her late 50’s and even words like bloody would offend her.
One day I was getting off the bus with her on the way to work. I huge gust of wind grabbed her full length tweed coat. Lifting her coat and skirt above her head, the wind threw her to the floor. So now she had shown her knickers to everyone on the bus and her workmates getting off the bus. We picked her up and took her to the company’s ambulance room.
Here’s what cracked me up. She had grazed both knees. So it looked like she had been shagged roughly from behind. Once I got to the shopfloor, I just fell about laughing. All my mates called me sick.
(hal9001, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:35, Reply)

Toddlers getting injured
One of the greatest things I have ever seen is something I have had the pleasure of witnessing on three occasions:

A toddler runs up to a door, grabs the handle, and yanks it open, thereby slamming the door into their own face and falling on their ass. There is a moment of silent confusion while they try to process what just happened. Then they realize that they should be crying, so they just start bawling their ass off. Each time I could tell the kid wasn't the least bit injured, they were just flabbergasted.

Totally awesome.
(Exempt OH WOW, VICODIN, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:34, Reply)

Kids eh?
But I wasn't a kid, I was a supposed grown-up.

I worked at a university 2 jobs ago and our esteemed chancellor stopped by to address the crowd. We were all assembled in the big room and behaving ourselves which for a University IT department took quite a bit.

She started talking and happened to mention by way of trying to seem like "one of us" - "I have some experience in IT, I worked with the early Wangs" - now of course that set me off as I said to my buddy "I bet she did!" so then he was stifling a giggle and it wasn't until she cracked a very poor joke that we could let out a laugh without a problem. Since her joke was poor it only elicited a polite chuckle but he and I were laughing and she must have thought we were quite the crawly bumlicks.

At least it didn't cost me a job.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:30, Reply)

not your day is it love
twas a few years back I was in probably the dirtiest sleaziest bar in the small West African capital I was living in at the time (a hand job for 2 quid and a gobble for 5) and i'd told a couple of mates the sickest joke I know about a man walking his dog along the cliff tops when he sees a young girl crying at the edge. Little girl little girl what's the matter says the man, my mum and dad were walking along the cliff edge and they fell off, says the girl, so the man walks to the edge of the cliff, leans over and sees the girl's parents smashed to bits at the bottom on the rocks. So he walks over to the girl while undoing his flies and says "it's not your day is it love!"
Well the next night is one of the blokes birthday's and as there was a very small expat community of Brits in the city there was a small crowd of people and the only blokes there were me and the two guys there the night before, our respective partners and a few other liberal, Guardian reading teacher types, all very PC and veggie so my mate Lee, who's Bday it was starts to tell the joke. I tried to tell him it wasn't a good idea but he wasn't having it. I got up and left the room as I knew it was gonna end badly. The silence could not have been sliced with an axe, it was that thick and uncomfortable. Heh heh
(Wagane, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:26, Reply)

Accident
When I was around 16, I went out in my friend's friend's car, who had passed his test earlier that day. We were travelling down a dual carriageway and the lights change. He didn't see and swerves, narrowly avoiding a car coming from the left. Thinking he narrowly avoided an accident, he turned around and said something like 'wow that was really close'. The car then mounted the kerb and hit a lamp post. Nobody was injured but everybody was in shock, apart from me who was in absolute hysterics. He then started crying and I couldn't help but get out of the car to laugh further whilst finishing what remained of the can of coke. In retrospect, not that funny however at the time I found it bloody hilarious.
(52486 office lolled on, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:18, Reply)

just today
when my 14-year-old nephew told me he'd hurt his wrist and wasn't sure how.
i giggled like a loon, but there was no way i was telling him why.
i feel like such a perv :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:05, 1 reply)

Schoolgirls with uzis
If you haven't seen "Battle Royale" then this answer will make no sense whatsoever..
If you have, then you know the bit where the male lead is taken in by a gaggle of girlie classmates? Thanks to a bit of jealousy and paranoia it all goes horribly wrong. Or to put it another way, you go from cosy dinnertime to a close quarters firefight with automatic weapons.
I saw that at the cinema and I suspect I should not have been pissing myself with laughter.

Scene here.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XUoYkAC5UQ
(Big D, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:02, 2 replies)

Being a naval reservist, I often hang out with the pride of HM's Navy
one of whom, Dicky (for that was his name), was possibly the worst person I have ever come across. He was a Chief Petty Officer stoker, or engineery type senior rating. Now, those of you familiar with the fair city of Portsmouth will be well aware that among the civilian population thereof, us Navy chaps are none too popular.

This was gloriously demonstrated a couple of years ago when, on a run ashore to the pub after a deployment a man in a wheelchair started hurling abuse at us, and just wouldn't stop.

Dicky, being a big chap and somewhat aggressive to boot, tired of this after about an hour. He invited the wheelchair man to roll outside with him, and, since I was nominally in charge of him, I hurried out to make sure there wasn't a death.

No death. Instead, our hero lifted the wheelchair man bodily out of his contraption and put him in a skip. Then he threw the wheelchair into the sea. I don't think I've ever laughed so much in my entire life.
(Omnizor Spooning bits of road for breakfast., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:58, 37 replies)

Well I thought it was funny
If a workmates only pride and joy in the office is his Girls Aloud calender. And if said workmate takes immense joy from turning the page once a month, refusing to look at the next month so as to leave the picture as a surprise. And if said workmate gathers his fellow pervs once a month to watch and celebrate the turning of the page, is it not hilarious that when he gets to the group shot of Girls Aloud in December, that they all have Hitler moustaches drawn on in permanent marker?

I nearly got in a lot of shit for that! The manager starting muttering about damage to personal property.
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:02, Reply)

Back in the day...
...when I was but a young lad, having passed my driving test and secured myself a beat-up old Ford Escort as my first steed, I enjoyed that very special feeling of freedom that only the summer holidays after the final year of secondary school can bring - no longer a boy, still not yet a man: teetering on the precipice of the responsibility abyss.

On some level, we knew that these days were numbered, so we took full advantage of the freedom of youth: driving around the countryside for hours and hours in my trusty "Charleen" (for that was her name) smoking copious amounts of ganja and listening to the gods of the six-stringed chordophone: Hendrix, Page, Zappa, Townshend, et al.

My friend lived in a cottage deep in the local countryside, and I used to love my responsibilities as the designated driver when he was out because, as we drove the 5 or 6 miles of single-track road up to his house in the wee small hours of the morning, we had a competition of sorts on the way.

You see, there were scores of wild rabbits that hopped and bounced around on the single-track road at night, seemingly oblivious to their inevitable, 1 ton, 40MPH fate:

*THUDDUMPH* *swerves to get the next one* *THUDDUMPH*

"Over there - there's a big one!"

*THUDDUMPH* - 10 points.

*THUDDUMPH* "That was only a baby - you only get 5 points for that one."

I'm almost positive that this endeavour cost me the opportunity to smash some teenage pasties on more than one occasion.

Teenage girls don't find this kind of behaviour nearly as funny as teenage boys do.
(god_is_a_ghoti Carpe Deum., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:15, 4 replies)

On my honeymoon in Dominican Rep...
My new wife and I were lounging by the pool in the sun. There were few people about as the pool we were at was a bit out of the way. My wife at the time was reading her book and i was just looking out for any talent that might wander by.

Well, talent there was not, but there was a rather large lady who arrived by the pool with her lady friend. Large lady and mate deposited all their many belongings on the oposite side of the pool form us. Amoung the many items was a large inflatable lilo, the type that folds into an arm chair type of thing. So, after faffing about the large lady eventually drags the lilo over to the pool edge and folds it into the armchair position. She places it in the pool and went back to grab her book and her drink.

At this point I had given my wife a nudge and said "Look at this...". Queue fat lady leaping backwards off the pool edge, book in one hand (opened to the page she wanted to read by a thumb), drink in the other, onto her floating armchair which sat about 12 inches ABOVE the water. Well, top heavy ships dont tend to float and neither did she. After the huge splash she popped to the surface still with book and drink in hand with a priceless look on her face. At this point my wife and I were almost wetting ourselves with laughter besides the almost empty pool area. Her mate looked at us too and gave an awkward smile but it was obvious that she wanted to laugh too.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:05, 2 replies)

dick. love. it. DICK! LOVE! IT!
Midway through a night in bristol as a student, me and a friend went to a cashpoint in the foyer of a bank to pick up some dolla'.
already there was a guy who had obviously had his card swallowed by the machine and was on a courtesy phone trying to sort it out. unfortunately the line was obviously shite and he had to keep repeating his name very slowly and loudly over and over again.
This would not be funny unless you were a bit drunk and the guy was called Dick Lovett.
I would have felt bad for giggling uncontrollably except that is the name of a BMW dealership in brizol so he'll be minted.
(dyllon nice beaver., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:55, 15 replies)

Always the spectator, never the player
I never got picked for the football team, not even for five-a-side kickabouts. My mate on the other hand was your classic Captain Awesome. He was always picked and always for the winning team. One such indoor match Awesome was, contrary to the norm, not winning. OK the match had just started but still - he had a point to prove. He tackled the ball from another player, passed to a team mate and ran up field. The ball was passed back to him as he ran onward. He looked at the ball, and then at the goal, and then at the ball, all the time running.

It was therefore with a certain amount of schadenfreude that I watched as Awesome once more looked at the goal, just in time to run headlong into the goalpost painted onto the brick wall. To say I wet myself laughing would be painting an accurate picture. I was still fighting back the giggles when I went to pick him up from hospital after he had his broken arm put in a cast.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:53, Reply)

Time for a pea roast :
I teach year 1, who are 5 and 6 year olds.
A couple of days ago we were getting changed for PE.
One boy had managed to get the cord of his PE bag caught in his shorts. As he walked off to line up his bag was following him.
He turned round to see it on the floor and took it back to his place, only for it to follow him back to the line.
I watched this happen four times before I helped him out.

Am I evil?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:47, 2 replies)

Warning!
To know about the giggle loop is to become part of the giggle loop!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDdYM1nMmuc
(flimflam_machine, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:43, 1 reply)

Windowlicker
On the way home from work last week, I drove for a good fifteen miles behind an estate car which had a dog in the back dilligently licking every square inch of the rear window with its huge floppy tongue. Having covered the entire window with slobber, it would then start all over again.

I have simple pleasures, and thought this scene was incredibly funny, and almost put my car into a ditch somewhere near Basingstoke as a result.

Getting home, I recounted this chortlesome tale to my charming wife and her best friend from down the road. I dare say I might have thrown in a few less than politically correct sound effects and the word "belm" in my energetic and - damn it -excellent story-telling which was met with a dreadful, stony silence.

Later: "You do know Jane's daughter has Downs, don't you?"

Hull, please.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:40, 6 replies)

I didn't mean to...
When I was about 16 I joined a ballet class to try and re-live some of my childhood. Being out of practice, the other few members of my class were a few years younger than me. Halfway through a lesson one day, we were sitting about stretching and chatting. One particularly sweet and innocent blonde girl was recounting a story told to her by a friend...
Said friend’s family had gone to the seaside on a day out, and the friend was playing a game with their pet dog, whereby she would skip along pavement at the top of the beach and the dog would jump over the little wall between the pavement and the sand, over and over again like some seasidey Crufts challenge. Well, when the pavement bit started to rise up a slope towards the (much higher) street level, the game was abandoned and the girl and dog ran up together. As they reached the top, the dog decided to resume the game and jumped over the wall, promptly falling 20ft back to the beach.
As one, the other nicey-nicey ballet girls took a sharp inhalation of breath and collectively gasped about how terrible it was. I, on the other hand, burst out laughing. I didn’t mean to – it was a tragic story (although the dog survived, which may have eased my guilt somewhat) but the mental image of this happy dog accidentally throwing itself off a cliff just got me... even now, some ten years later, it still makes me snigger a bit.
(Sinister Carp doesn't mind the gap, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:31, 3 replies)

Partisan, you say?
A former manager and Manchester United supporter was once telling me about various English football songs throughout history, in particular how United fans used to sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" during there championship-free years. "Which, of course," he continued, "led to Leeds fans singing [he adopts singsong voice] 'Always Look on the Run-wa-hay for Ice'."

I was so surprised at him singing it I burst out laughing for about a second, before I got the reference. An uncomfortable afternoon followed.
( The Vomiting Hitchhiker Mephistopheles is such a mouthful in Manhattan, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:26, Reply)

laughter. therapeutic?
some few years ago i had a girlfriend who was a bit of a mentalist/drama queen. we were in a pub, and she was sat back to the door with her usual thong hanging way up out of her trousers. a mutual friend, the bouncer came over and pinged said thong, then leant in and shook my hand, said his hellos to the group.. she laughed, i thought nothing of it.
when we got home, i think it's fair to say the mood changed. she went berserk, screaming at me, how dare i shake his hand, why does he have the right to touch me blah blah (i'm only so casual about it because she made a career of sitting on random guys laps to get drinks/free entry, him included, and i'd long tired of calling her on it) i was looking suitably trite (this was before i'd retrieved my testicles from the metaphorical handbag) and it was starting to simmer down, when she said the fatal word.. 'how DARE he give me a WEDGIE?!?!'
desperately trying to stifle it, i squirmed and my face contorted into a horrible rictus.. imagine you're in the middle of a funeral parlour and someone farts, and you're trying to make out you didn't notice. her expression changes
'you're not taking me seriously!!!! you're laughing at me aren't you
*bead of sweat rolls down forehead, lips tremble slightly* errrmmm.. no? no. no i'm not.
you are! she exclaims, stamping her foot
*corner of mouth twitches, followed in rapid succession by left eye. thinking about dead kittens, deaths in the family, margaret thatcher naked on a cold day..*
"you ARE! you laughed when i said the word WEDGIE"

*a moment of breathtaking silence.. a bird chirps outside. clouds race across the sun. camera pans round the two motionless combatants in bullet-time*

mmmmmgggggggnnnnnnpffffFFFFFFRRRRRTTTTTSSSHHHNNNNIIIIUUUUUUUohgodhelpusallMUAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*crieswithlaughterAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

shortly after i was single, for about a day.
shortly after, once i'd cleared me head and some other shit had come to light, she was single, for about ever.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:23, 2 replies)

McCanns visiting the pope
Can't remember what paper it was, but it was one of those London papers like the 'London Paper', 'Evening Standard' or something...can't really remember...anyway...there was a story on the front page which had me stifling laughter all the way to Oxford Circus from White City on the Central line about the McCanns visit to the Vatican to meet the pope, in particular the very large front page report about 'Gerry McCann to kiss the Popes ring". I think the image of me gutting myself with laughter whilst looking at this headline made a lot of people hate me on the tube that day.
(scotsbloke, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:19, 2 replies)

Auschwitz
During a trip to Auschwitz, sadness heavy in the air, I saw a midget scampering about with the tour group.

Laugh? I nearly shat myself.
(ihaveab3tanamenow, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:53, 3 replies)

This one's back in the mid-eighties
The (dead) mother of a girl I worked with had been cremated accidentally by an over enthusiastic hospital. There was a minor scandal at the time (in the Rochdale Observer, at least).
A few weeks later I was (for some reason) having an anti-smoking rant, in which I linked cancer to smoking.
Said girl said "my mother died of cancer and she didn't smoke."
"She did at the end though", said I.
Room goes quiet for two seconds waiting to gauge her reaction.

Thank god she laughed.
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:50, Reply)

Mr Jingles
I have one of those friends who posts status updates to Facebosh to inform all of *everything* that happens in her life. Recently, her status updates ran thusly:

15:46 ...has just rescued a mouse from a horrible sticky mouse trap. Sooo cruel it was just, like, glued there! yay me!

16:11 Turns out the mouse lost quite a lot of fur and skin on his poor belly from the trap. I'm gonna nurse him all better and call him Mr Jingles like in the Green Mile!

16:39 Has just given Mr Jingles a soothing bath/wash and is gonna build him a little home to live in! He gonna be a circus mouse! ;o)

16:54 Mr Jingles is nibbling away at biscuit crumbs! Soooooo cute!

17:44 Would anyone like to come to Mr Jingles housewarming party? Hee hee! Found an old wooden box in the garage and have put some cotton wool and an old catbowl of water in there for him! Don't tell anyone I've taken in a lodger! Hee Hee! x

18:29 OMG! I was only gone 5 minutes and Mr Jingles drowned in his waterbowl :o( :o(
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:48, 12 replies)

Count yourself lucky...
Many moons ago i was visiting friends down in Brighton. We had been out to all the usual hangouts and met up with a group of people; strangers to me but good buddies with my other friends. After a nights carousing, we went back to one of the girl's flat to get some well-deserved shuteye.

Come morning, we assembled in her bedroom to mull over the previous nights events. As I walked into the room, a hamster cage cage caught my eye.

"Wow, a hamster", I expertly observed, "What's his name?"

Now, the actual name has been lost to the fog of old age and lost brain cells, but it's safe to assume that the name was sufficiently strange for me to pass comment on. Let's say 'Alfonzo'.

"What a strange name for a hamster" (I told you so)

"Yeah, I'm looking after it for my brother. He's got pretty severe learning difficulties and wanted to call it that."

"Count yourself lucky, it could've been called Meerggurrpppeeerrrrdurrrrpp *gurning spaz face and a groaning attempt to eat the back of my head*

The whole room – friends and relative strangers alike – fell silent and, as one, turned their gaping mouths to face me, curled on the floor my face contorted in the ecstacy of an expertly pulled one-liner.

Now, I felt absolutely no guilt or shame at the time. It was hilarious after all. It was only several years when my son was born with brain damage that I felt any sense of what that poor girl must have been going through.

I named him Meerggurrpppeeerrrrdurrrrpp in her honour.
(mark schmark, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:27, 3 replies)

I was once Xmas shopping in Debenhams with my girlfriend
When we were leaving, going back into the shopping centre, I spotted a choir of schoolchildren singing Christmas hymns for charity and collecting money. They are all brightly dressed in their school uniforms, blazers, ties and all. Except there was one child, front centre, in a wheel chair, with Downs Syndrome.

I burst out laughing. I just couldn't contain myself - not so much at the poor child but at the terrible attempt-emotive tactic they were using.

My girlfriend later split up with me.

I'm going to hell.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 16:27, 5 replies)