Pharmacy
In the pharmacy an old women walked in and asked the lady at the checkout if they had any cream for thrush, so the lady at the checkout SHOUTED to her work friend if they had any thrush cream up the stairs. Nearly everyone who herd were chuckling quietly to themselves. LMAO
(CallumP, Sun 25 Jul 2010, 8:18, Reply)

Spang!
The scene: A suburban shopping centre, full of people shopping, all milling about with their bags. In the mix is a family, a mother and two boys, one about 8 and the other about 5. The younger one is being a veritable demon spawn, running about, making noise, being a general little shit. The mother, exasperated, and still with things to do, tells the older child that he has to look after his younger brother while she finishes off her shopping.

Cue a few more minutes of the young boy being a right terror.

Light goes on over older boy's head. He leans over, and says to the younger one: "You know, those automatic doors always open, no matter how fast you run at them"

Young boy, then knows he has to test this out. Runs full pelt at automatic doors, which stay firmly shut. Heavy laminated glass in Automatic doors makes a very distinctive noise when hit, and doubly so when hit with a young boy.

I'm pretty sure he left a face print on the door, with a permanently surprised yet determined expression on it. I think I developed a hernia laughing at that one. Kudos to the older brother.
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Sun 25 Jul 2010, 0:45, 1 reply)

"As much use as Anne Frank's drumkit"
usually raises a smile
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 22:45, 2 replies)

Eiiish, electricity theft
One of the stories below reminded me of the mirth I derive from copper thieves who get immolated when they try and steal electrical plant. Having said that, it's not so much "guilty" as "ha-ha you dirty thieving tink".
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 22:41, Reply)

Weddings...
...are not funny and they're not clever. Yet, for some reason, I always stand at the back of the church shaking with silent mirth like a schoolchild. (Not by myself obviously, that would just be weird.) It's amazing how many funny looks you get. Perhaps it's the embarrassment of actually being IN a church, or because everyone is so full of shit, e.g., I went to a wedding last year and the bride's dress was a lacy, hideous mess, yet everyone was saying how lovely she looked. I'm off to another one in September: I'll be the one laughing my head off. Again.
(The cat's PJs If my eyes are closed you can't see me, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 22:12, Reply)

IPhone
Washing my hands in a preicicnt precinct mall toilets, I saw was some guy drop his iPhone in the urinal, and my first thought was:
Need help aiming your piss? There's an app for that!
I stood next to him at the sink and watched him wash it with liquid soap and water, was hard not to laugh or say anything, it had to be an iPhone didn't it? How hard is it to put your phone in your pocket for a minute while you take a leak?
(Davethefan began lurking again on or around, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 22:01, 3 replies)

another pharmacy story.....
Dispensing a prescription for a laxative (docusate caps if I remember)I didnt quite have enough to complete the script. I took the prescription out and with out thinking said; 'Sorry Mr x, we didnt quite have enough of these.......but theres enough to keep you going' as soon as Id finished the sentence I realised what Id said and nearly vomited in his face trying not to laugh.
(dr-kill, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 21:39, Reply)

The Flying Stillborn Burrito Brothers
One of my patients (I have to be super careful here since her husband is the kind of whingy tight-fisted scheming bastard who would sue my panties off) was pregnant with twins. Because of various physical thingies,very juicy but would identify her, she lost both boys. She was a darling but as I have aforementioned, her significant other was a walking turd. (He caused the early delivery and almost cost her her life.)

After the delivery, she held both of them, said her goodbyes and waited for hubby. He said his goodbyes consisting of looking at them wrapped up in blankets and grunting. He left and I entered the room thinking I would check on her and tidy a bit.

The room was dark and she was asleep. These were 14 week fetuses, about 3/4 length of a Barbie doll and maybe a kilo in weight each. Tiny. One of the docs had told me the babies were "set" and I assumed that meant he had put them in the fridge, properly labeled, as one would expect when a person says he has finished that task. Therefore I wasn't expecting any little corpses to be in evidence.

I went around the room quietly, picking up trash, emptying coffee cups and removing dirty laundry. There was a crumpled up baby blanket left on the overbed table so I grabbed it and whisked it off the surface. As you have most likely guessed, a wee little babby whirled out of the fabric, spinning in a trajectory directly toward the mother's sleeping form. Daddy had left his son's body lying in trash, discarded carelessly on a table.

Right at the apogee of Babby's flight, I fielded that fucker overhand neat as anything. Midair! In the dark! Then the film of what I had just done became clear in my mind and I had to run out into the hall clutching a little naked dead body to laugh like a hyena.

Afterward I felt guilty and furious in turn. But never did I tell anyone until now of my awesome catch. God bless that poor woman-I hope she divorced that prick's ass.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 20:19, 2 replies)

Downs
I remember being in hysterics with a mate of mine for a good hour the first time we went to the local "youth centre" to learn mapreading for Duke of Edinboro's (think I was 14 at the time, and come to think of it we laughed for quite a few sessions). It was full of gurning faces and hilarious expressions, since a group of teenagers afflicted with Downs Syndrome and other obvious, sometimes genetic, mental illnesses was also taking part.

I picture it today and all I feel now is very real shame and most certainly no desire to laugh, but it wasn't so at the time. What hurts when I think about it now is that I know everyone knew why we were laughing - the teachers, their assistants and the kids themselves... It was their appearence, and later also their brave attempts at socialisation that we waved off (her: "Do you want a piece of my mars bar?" me, looking at the melted thing that looked like a turd: "pfff, no thanks!") that make me think that if I could turn back the clock and stop myself from being such a cunt those days I most definitely would.

But then I remember the young lad with Downs Syndrome who was just arriving at the camp after walking god knows how many miles with a heavy rucksack tripping into a huge puddle of mud face-first and despite myself I have to grin - as did he!
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 20:02, Reply)

Old lady
I used to work in a computer game shop, and our shop had glass windows instead of walls on two sides of the building.

Anyhow, on one slow day - nobody was in the store and i was just stood there pretty bored and I spent a bit of time crowd watching through the windows.

As I was doing this, I noticed one old lady slowly walking towards the window, which I thought was strange as most old dears of that generation had no real interest in playstations or nintendos and there was nobody else in the store that she could possibly be looking at. So i kept an eye on her as she slowly waddled forwards... closer and closer to the glass, until she walked face first into the window with an audible thud and she bounced off the glass.

It was quite possibly the slowest collision i have ever witnessed and thankfully she was fine (if not a little confused) - but my howls of laughter continued for most of the day, so much so i had to literally bite the inside of my cheeks to avoid giggling in front of customers for the rest of the day.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 19:53, Reply)

Office sport LOLs
The place I used to work at had an office overlooking the shop floor.
One boring friday late shift myself and a few others were pushing ourselves as fast as we could, racing round and round the office on the cheap swivel chairs we had.
Poor Steve's chair suddenly lost one of its castors - it tipped slightly, the leg dug into the carpet and he was flicked off the chair at high speed, sending him flying Superman-style down the stairway. The door at the bottom of the stairs, which led to the shop floor opened outwards. He hit it hard enough to burst it completely off its hinges. He landed laid out flat on the door and slid, riding the door, a good ten feet across the shop floor - much to the surprise of the few shoppers there were in the place.
Turned out that the door handle had broken a couple of his ribs, one of which punctured his lung.
The till girl had to call the ambulace as we were all crying with laughter and none of us could get it together for more than a couple of seconds before collapsing with laughter again.
(dave likes cheese, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 19:35, Reply)

I work the tills at McDonald's this summer
and, since temperatures are in the mindnumbingly hot around these parts occasionally, one of the most popular products on those days is the McFlurry.

Due to the masses who want one of these things we're usually sliding around the greasy floor trying to get them all done as fast as possible. One of my coworkers was squeezing past me to get to the chips when - *POW!* - he hit his head on one of machine's handles.

I only saw it out of the corner of my eye but it looked hilariously brutal! He was down instantly as if he'd been clotheslined, his legs ending up higher than the rest of his body before he lay there arms and legs pointing outwards. The collective "ooooomph" of an assembled crowd after the splat he made was something I hadn't heard in real life before and I was almost immediately suppressing the urge to laugh. Anyway, after checking he was ok I giggled for the rest of the afternoon.
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 19:32, Reply)

Call of Duty
We were playing MW on Live, pass the pad style. Suddenly, J's phone goes off. We mute the TV but carry on playing. It was E on the phone; we all started mucking about, doing girly voices etc but J pulls a very concerened face and gestures for us to "shush"; as the conversation continues it becomes clear something major has gone down. The game has finished, were back in the lobby. J takes a breath, composes himself and announces "E's Dad's dead; he just blew his brains out with a shotgun". We were all stunned by this, and were silent for a few seconds, taking it in.

"So, how about a game with shotguns" I offered.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 19:04, 4 replies)

In about april this year...
...I was waiting at a crossing on a busy main road. The young lady in front of me thought it would be a good idea to trot across in front of a bus (the double-decker kind). Realising her plight she made a dash to get back on the pavement before me. I had occupied her space in her absence forcing her to knock into me and nearly be struck by the bus. Shocked as I was I didn’t think about controlling my mouth. The first word that came to mind automatically articulated…”Clumsy”. It wasn’t until she was giving me a proper dirty look did I notice I was laughing maniacally as well. Embarrassed? Yes. Woman nearly dies; something about it rubbed my kettle :-S oops
(frannyfrelston ...eyes bigger than belly; belly bigger than arse., Sat 24 Jul 2010, 18:30, Reply)

Topical guilty laugh
The sad news of the deaths of ten people in a stampede came on the radio this morning and caused a guilty laugh.

Has no-one in Germany actually seen the League of Gentlemen? Hearing they'd held the Love Parade in the city of Duisburg nearly had me spitting my tea out.
(paxvobiscum, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 18:11, 1 reply)

Not me, a guy years ago in Uni
We called this guy "Psycho James" to differentiate him from another bloke with the same name. Lovely chap, he was. From the home counties, wealthy parents, bit posh but not a dick about it. Very well spoken, very smart, big fan of Chris Morris and Aphex Twin, all round nice guy. And all this made it even scarier when he'd find the oddest things funny.

For example, one day he was reading the paper and he just started laughing. Hysterical laughter for about five minutes. He almost fell off his chair, he was laughing so much. When we asked what was so funny, between breathless panting guffaws he showed us a news story of a guy getting beaten up outside a nightclub, and the injuries he suffered. "He....lost....his....senses....of....smell....and....taste!" he said, trying to breathe between each laugh.

"Imagine that, you're walking down the street, someone kicks the shit out of you, and blimey, 'I can't taste this kebab any more! My farts don't smell any more! Oh wait, I just can't smell them!' Ha ha ha ha!"

Another time he told us that the funniest thing he could possibly think of would be an old age pensioner, someone who had survived two world wars, hardship, decades of hard work and the general slings and arrows that life brings, getting killed after slipping on a banana skin outside a newsagents. "Can you imagine how funny that would be? 'I've lived through all this hardship, survived all that life throws at me' and then 'Oof! I'm dead because of a banana skin!'"

He also once spent ten minutes in hysterics after the Guardian had a computer-generated map of a nightclub fire in Russia (I think) because "It would be totally something Chris Morris would do; all they're missing are the flames coming off the dying people"
(Fuiru Sting, where is thy death?, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 18:02, Reply)

Every 'tragic death' that involves thieving chav scum 'not doing what society tells him to'
such a tragic accident, how can it have happened, someone sack a social worker...

Example: www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1266193/Burglar-killed-33-000-volt-shock-trying-steal-cable-electricity-substation.html

Artists impression: www.b3tards.com/u/420c52b7900bd7084f02/chav-on-fucking-fir.gif

Darwinism at work IMO...
( ..wil, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 17:39, 2 replies)

Oh a quick one...
...and this only happened last week.

As you may or may not know, I have the honour, nay privelege of working on th'ambulance.

Last week, we were called to a Granny Farm (or rest home, as I believe it is also known) for an elderly lady who had a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). Any of you who know about elderly people will known that UTI's tend to make them battier than Robin's underwear.

As we go through the front door of the care home, we hear a screaming which sounds like someone has read the Top Ten Medieval Tortures and is really going to town trying them out.

It was my turn to attend on this job (you swap between driving and attending after each job), but we have a rule called the Joker Card. Once a day, you are allowed to play the Joker Card, but it must be played before you see the patient. The conversation went thusly:

Me: "Joker Card"
Crewmate: "Oh you fucking bast....hello there!"
Carer: "Here's Josephine."
Josephine: "AAAGAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGH!!!! NOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL ME. YOU'RE ALL TRYING TO KILL ME"
Crewmate: (sotto voce) "Bollocks"
Me: Mmmmmppppppphhhhhhhhhhhnnkkkkhnnkpphhhhhhhhhh.....

Guilty laughter all the way to hospital. On the backroads, of course!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sat 24 Jul 2010, 17:19, 4 replies)

schaudenfreud on the underground
This happened to the young pistonbroke when he was about 16 years old - me and a good buddy used to travel from our homes in north wales, over to Liverpool to catch rock bands and visit goth clubs where (rumor had it), "goth chicks would do anything for a couple of pints of cider". - but I digress - the point is that being spotty-transport-challenged teenagers, we had to use public transport, which for liverpool included an underground system that passes under the reasonably deep river Mersey.

As we got off one of the trains and headed toward the escalators which would take us to the surface, somewhere near the top of the escalator, a short, fat old lady (probably in her 60's or 70's) had a moment of unsteadiness and began to topple backwards - in true comedy style, her arm shot out like a steel claw and clamped on to the collar of her equally ancient but tall and scrawny husband, dragging him with her like the alien queen grabbing Ripley whilst being ejected into space from the air-lock

For a pair of pre-internet, pre-youtube sixteen year olds (for this was the late 80's), this was the equivalant of the holy grail of black humor, and we had no choice but to laugh deeply and heartily (under the withering stares of other people around) as we watched the decrepit pair somersault, cartwheel and slither down the entire length of the still rising escalator, bouncing off all those steel steps (and this was no short escalator, my memory may play tricks on me buit this was a jacob's ladder-esque vanishing point escalator).
But it wasn't even over when they arrived at our feet at the bottom, where the curve of the escalator levelled out - of course, the escalator kept dragging their groaning, wailing and keening carcasses up so they were lazily performing bonus forward or backward rolls every few seconds, until some good Samaritan (aka spoil-sport) thought of hitting the emergency stop to allow the old dears to be dragged clear.

Guilty? I sure am now, I'd imagine that the poor brittle boned pair were in quite a bad way, but the callous youth I was at the time felt barely a flicker of compassion and only saw what we see now when we watch a nice compilation of faceplants and skateboarding prat falls.

Length?.... bloody long, and made of polished stainless steel
(pistonbroke, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 16:44, 4 replies)

Motorcycle chav.
A few months ago I was happily driving my ladyfriend home. We had to drive through a rough part of town and as I drove along a short stretch of road I had to pull in to allow a car coming from the opposite direction to pass. All quite normal until I spied an especially scummy teenage chav on a trailbike with a couple of L plates dangling from the handlebars and some form of exhaust-sound-meatifier on the exhaust. He wasn't looking where he was going so I decided to wait and let him ride by before pulling out myself.

Taking stock of the situation, the chav saw my moderately-priced, second-hand convertible waiting for him to pass. He shot me the most scornful 'I'm scum and therefore better than you' look he could and revved his little engine to produce that awful duck-strangling noise we all associate with teenage motorcyclists. The motorcycle picked up speed and the chav decided to pull a fairly weak wheelie clearly designed to show me that he truly was the king of the concrete jungle.

Which caused the exhaust-sound-meatifier to slide neatly from the exhaust pipe and clatter loudly to a stop in the road next to my car.

Giggling like a loon, I pulled out and was treated to the sign of a now very sour-faced chav picking up his exhaust thingy in my rear-view mirror when I reached the junction.
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 15:34, 3 replies)

Faceplant.
Cant beat a good face plant. Especially if its a four year old girl wearing a pink parker jacket with white fur trim, running along with her hands in her pockets. Trips. Skids along on her face.

Cruel? Yes. Funny? Fuck yes.
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 14:35, Reply)

To be fair, it was pretty bloody funny.
Signed,

Paul Tibbets.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 14:09, 3 replies)

Babysitting
My youngest cousin was around 18 months old and I was keeping an eye on him with my sister. He was sat on the floor playing with a make shift drum
(plastic mixing bowl and a wooden spoon) doing that thing that small children do where they do something, laugh and then look to see if you're laughing too.

After a while he stopped finding it funny and abandoned the mixing bowl. My sister was lying on the mat reading a magazine . A look of sheer determination
on his little face and the spoon gripped firmly in his hand he toddled off in her direction.
He stood over her for a few seconds and she thought he was looking at the magazine in her hands.

"Are you looking at the pictures? see all the pictures?" She asked
*SMACK*
Right in the face.

I don't know who laughed harder, me or him.
(FootOfTim, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 13:42, 2 replies)

I cant help laugh when I know I'm not supposed to.....
Every time im at a church (not often) something makes me laugh. Like my good friends wedding, singing 'all things bright and beutifull'. Unbeknown to me untill half way through one of the lines is 'the purple headed mountain' I had a laughter convulsion and nearly bit my tongue of trying not laugh.

My nephews Christening type thing. Wasnt really a Chirstening some kind of naming ceremony during a normal Church service. We had to pray for George who has shingles and Betty who had a stroke. Dont ask why but I had another laughter convulsion.

I work in a pharmacy and have a very childish sense of humour. I have to shout names out when prescriptions are ready......recent names Ive had to shout include Mrs Dick, Mrs Cockburn and Mrs Chicken.......
(dr-kill, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 12:32, 2 replies)

Repost of Teh Quim Incident

I was once in one of Newcastle's classier* late night drinking establishments, of which there are many. It was a Wednesady night, which was student night. The particular special of the night was double vodka and cokes for £1.50. Now, myself and my esteemed colleagues (more about them in other posts if I can muster the courage) were not that fussy about the nature of the beverage, as long as it was cheap, so vast quantities of vodka and coke were purchased and drunk. Repeat....

Anyway, we were by no means the only people acceeding to the "let's get absolutely wankered on cheap russian falling over water". There were many ladies present, mostly being perved over by my mates. I took the opportunity to leave and have a slash. The toilets were off a short corridor from the main dancefloor. As I entered said corridor, a refreshed young lady came towards me, slipped and fell over. However...

1: Her legs went in opposite directions.
2: One heel got stuck in a crack between a floortile and the wall.
3: The other shoe went flying off.
4: She split her gusset.

So, there she was, lying in the birthing position, clunge on view to the general public, crying copiously.

So one of my mates (who had earlier been chatting her up) runs over.

...slips....

and manages to kick her clean in the flange.

We left.

But not before all 4 of us (excluding James, who was trying to extricate his foot from the young lady's funnel of love) nearly vomited with laughter.





*not really
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sat 24 Jul 2010, 10:57, 1 reply)

A guy at work,
It is rumoured that his wife is having a bit of fun with another bloke she works with. Only myself and one other workmate know about this (his wife used to work in the same place as her and still keeps in touch with the gossip mongers) and we believe that he does not have a clue. So everytime he sits there and tells us about his "free weekened because the wife's off to a party in Scotland", we have to stifle the laughter. We are complete cunts i know, but its his own fault for so many reasons i dont have time to go into except to say he needs to stop living the life of a teenage boy and be a man.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Sat 24 Jul 2010, 10:40, 2 replies)

Horrendously cruel.
Sitting reading the Beano last week at work I was engrossed in the adventures of Minnie the Minx (she was being particularly minx-like this week, suggestively sucking a lolly pop in front of Walter the Softy and then later on, stroking an invisible line from her inner thigh right up to her Minnie the Minge - all in front of Dennis' Dad and Dennis' Mum. - It would have made Desperate Dan all the more desperate if he wasnt a character from rival comic The Dandy and therefore, a completely pointless reference.....)

Anyway, whilst reading this utter fucking filth and becoming more and more annoyed and aroused by it (who will blame ME if these confusing sexual feelings lead me to committing a rape? - nobody thats who!) I noticed that one of my colleagues was looking quite perturbed indeed.

"Steve!" I shouted. "Explain the cause of your anxiousness at once".
Steve bit his lip and shook his head. I took this to mean "no".

So I thought 'fuck him' and moved on to a story called 'Billy Whiz' which seemed to be about nothing more than a kid who was a bit quick?
There was nothing to it? He ran somewhere dead quickly, did something (in this instance, he stole a pie that was cooling on a woman's kitchen windowsill) and than ran off again equally quickly.

What??? The arousal had disappeared (mostly) but the annoyance had been magnified. I started composing my letter to the Beano immediately. The key points I was hitting were -

(1) The frequency in which their stories had people leaving pies to cool on kitchen windowsills - nobody does this and yet I'm supposed to believe that not only Billy Whiz is taking advantage of such an anachronism (is that the right word? I hope so. I like words. Foliage) this week but 2 weeks ago Gnasher pulled the exact same stunt?? Alright he wasnt as quick in his getaway as this Billy kid, but nevertheless he stole a frigging pie off a windowsill. And he bit a postman on the way home. Madness.

(2) Why is Billy Whiz so quick? Where's the back story? At least in Spiderman they fed us some shit about a spider bite. "Oh he's just really fast and that".... erm.. no.... if he's like.. the fastest human on the planet, which he appears to be, why isnt he winning Olympic gold medals? Cos he'd rather be stealing pies? Is that why? Fuck off Beano.

(3) Please dont give me the old 'well it IS aimed at children, primarily between the ages of 6-13 and, as a man in his late twenties you probably shouldnt be reading it in the first place and should be able to understand the need for suspending disbelief in what is a harmless comic book' line.
I'm fully aware of my own psychological and personal issues thank you and am choosing to ignore all logic.

After I'd written my letter and posted it (to myself for some reason. Like I said - psychological issues) I noticed that Steve was now crying.

"Look Steve, why dont you just tell me whats wrong?" I implored.
"Ok" he sniffed.... "I just got off the phone to my sister, she's been diagnosed with leukemia"

Well... I just absolutely PISSED myself!
(Andrew Avetoom, Sat 24 Jul 2010, 10:33, 1 reply)

In the eyes of my brother, I dun a Bad Thing.
So today I was doing the washing. I did about four loads of normal stuff (bedding/towels/clothes), while having a bunch of whites soaking in a bucket of bleach.
About an hour ago, after putting them through the machine, I hung out the whites. And found a poloshirt which I then realised was my brothers. I have bleached the (dark blue) logo into a lovely shade of pink.
Pink.

It was a total accident I swear - it's just he and my mum are the same size and my mum wears polo shirts a lot - and has a white one that is identical save for the logo.

He loathes pink. He will Kill me when he sees it tomorrow.

And the funny bit, to me at least, is that he has to wear it til the end of the year. /snorts/
(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 24 Jul 2010, 8:47, 1 reply)