Vultan...the hooded man
did you then crack open some Bluebirds and play a quick hand of Eight Men Down?
(cherry B, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 11:27, Reply)

Big W/Woolworths interview
"Hi, we'd like you to go around the store, asking customers what they think" so off I go, pen and paper in hand. Asking random people "Hi, are you enjoying your Big W experience?" Result: 2 fuck offs, a 'I dont shop here ussually' and a few people completely blanked me. I had to report this to the interviewer. I got the job, didnt take it though. I refuse to comment on my Early Learning Center experiences.
( Smokey Bacon Crisps smell good, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 11:24, Reply)

I did a big recruitment drive for a Call centre I used to work in
We were looking to take on around 100 people, so had to interview about 350 or so. The format went something like this:

Interview in pairs, ask them to fill in a medical questionnaire while the interviewers left the room (to discuss), come back and make an offer or thank them for their time.

Now interviewing that many people we were bound to hit the dregs...the type who will go to interviews, deliberately fuck it up, and carry on claimimg the dole.

Anyway, we interviewed this guy, and we knew it would be bad when we started with the line "this is jus tan informal interview", and he answered "if I'd have known that, I'd have come in my jeans".

The most memorable line he gave us was "I can't really see myself answering the phones....I'd just wander round the office and soak up the pressure"!

Well, I'm sure he knew he didn't get the job, when we left the room and burst into fits of laughter.
( iwannabeabonobo has been buying lots of gadgets this weekend, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 11:15, Reply)

Vultan...the hooded man
I didn't understand a single word of your email.
(keify34, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 11:14, Reply)

Years ago.....
I'd moved to London from the provinces, (streets paved with gold, etc,) and went for an interview with a media sales company. After quite a tough interview which I honestly thought hadn't gone all that well I was surprised to be offered the position. In that heady moment of shock and relief I stood up, beaming, said "nice one - cheers mate!" to the austere 50 year old gentleman boss and then promptly let out an enormous, "whoopee cushion" style fart.
Despite his look of astonishment he didn't withdraw his offer of what turned out to be a completely shit job anyway. I left after 3 weeks, as did, it turned out, most new starters there.
I did get to meet Jules Holland in the pub next door though.
Woo.
( BobbyParadise, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 11:06, Reply)

we are interveiwing at the moment
potential. .....and I work well in a team.
Me. Would you say you had an egregious personality?
potential. errr
Me. Are you an egregious person
potential. well I err
My boss. You wont take paulines pens will you?
Me. Hello dave?
potential. Oh right, special meat
Boss and Me. that'll do
( Vultan the real one I threw my little yellow shoe, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 10:46, Reply)

Just now, in fact(ish)
I have just been trying to change careers, after several miserable but successful years in media, I'm going back to design, probably project management. I sent my CV to an appropriate recruitment agency, who sent me possibly the most offensive thing you can send me. And that is the "STOCK RESPONSE".

"We are sorry but you do not have the skills to match our requirements. We wish you all the best in the future."

I'm afraid, today, that was just one of those too many.

Cue niceandwarmandhot on the rampage. Rang the company and spoke to the receptionist, and effectively made the girl FEAR ME if a REAL PERSON DID NOT CALL ME and EXPLAIN the INSANE ACTIONS taken by SOMEONE who CLEARLY did NOT EVEN BOTHER to READ my CV.

Mind you, I'm a clever behatch - by the end of the 'chat' she was incredibly sympathetic, and was cooing about my misfortune. I am currently awaiting the phone call (that will probably come via their solicitors).
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 10:45, Reply)

Uncivil service
At an interview for the Department of Transport many years ago I was asked ("nothing specific, we're just looking for general ideas, straight off the top of your head") how I'd cut the length of traffic queues in Britain.

"You could make everyone drive shorter cars."

I didn't get the job.

Funnily enough, a couple of months later I got an interview with a different department of the Civil Service. When I walked in, the interviewer looked up, and said "Ah, Mr ********, I believe we've met before." I could just see him thinking "short cars, short cars..."
(BeerPoweredNoiseFrenzy, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 9:55, Reply)

Interview Role-reversal
I once had an interview for a job as a book packer in Eastbourne. The interviewer, a floor manager , asked a few of the generic interview questions from an idiot proof script. Every time I managed to mention my qualifications or experience he looked more and more miserable.

Eventually he put the script aside and leaned forward- "It's a shit job son and you'll be constantly bored. You can do better than this but you are welcome to work here if you really want to."

I took the job. It was shit, I was bored, and after about 3 weeks I left and did do better.
(MonkeyFuzz, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 9:50, Reply)

Personal skills
An applicant for a PhD place at a lab near us had the phrase "I have average interpersonal skills" on his CV. What does that mean?! He's ok until he snaps and starts yelling at people??!!
(emma_fisi, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 9:45, Reply)

A story an old housemate of mine used to tell us...
He had been applying for jobs after leaving University, and unfortunatly mid job-hunt he was taken into hospital to have his appendix removed. During his recovery he was accepted for an interview for a famous large computing company. H.A.L., or something. Anyway he couldn't really turn down this opportunity so off he went to the interview, still slightly in pain from his recent op.
The interview was going well, but his smart clothes were causing his appendix scar to 'ache like buggery', so he promptly informed the interviewer that he 'had just had his appendix out and it was still causing him pain' and 'would they mind if he took off his trousers'.

Which he promptly did, and finished the interview in his boxers.

He tells us he was offered the job as well, but turned it down.
( ArghZombies No longer has a Leaky QUIM, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 9:13, Reply)

Not me, but a thick co-worker...
The company that I was working for several years ago was closing, so everyone was going to be made redundant. Consequently, we were all going on job interviews with other companies.

This one particularly dimwitted co-worker went to an interview with our major customer. They are one of the largest employers in the area, and pay well, have great benefits, etc. He was applying for a job in assembly. Their interview is scenario-based, and he was asked the question "Can you tell me about a time when you had a conflict with a co-worker and how you dealt with it?" or similar. After thinking about it for a moment, he came out with the carefully crafted and well-thought-out answer, "Well, I punched him in the face".

No points were awarded for honesty. Not only did he not get the job, but he was banned from applying there ever again.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 7:39, Reply)

Nice going, dipshit
Having just quit my job to pursue my university course, leaving a rather scary chasm of six months in between, I decided I better do a bit of temping work to swell the coffers in the meantime. I sauntered along to the local job agency and flew through the interview, got chatty with the lass behind the desk, everything went very well, she asked what my ambitions were, how I would be suited to their company and how I would appropriately represent the agency were they to give me work etc etc. All of this went well.

Until the post interview handshake and goodbye chat.

As anyone will know, the interview stops when the interviewee stands up and says something like 'right then, we'll be in touch'. Cue a massive wave of relief that you've done all right, and a sudden lapse in concentration.

"So, what are you doing for the rest of the day?" she asked.

"I'll probably go back to bed, I've got a massive fucking hangover," I replied.

I might as well have said 'well, there's a few dead prostitutes in the back of my car that I really should get rid of'. At least it would have shown I was industrious. Still, they gave me work. Opening envelopes for the Tory party on minimum wage.
(MrSnuggly, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 0:14, Reply)

What kind of call center *is* this?!
I was interviewed over the phone for a call center job.
The first question was 'How would you deal with old people?' And the first thing to spring to mind was some kind of logan's run esque final solution proposition...

Luckily, some sensible part, deep, deep down inside me said, "I would make an extra effort to speak clearly and concisely, and be as patient as possible." She didn't like it. I was mortified. But then the next question came and *really* threw me.

"How would you deal with someone whose spouse had died of cancer?"

What? WHAT? mard arse bintlet. What the hell was she talking about? Why the hell was that relevant? I'll never know... But the best I could come up with was,

"Try not to mention... death.. and... aaah....



"Right, well, if you've got the job we'll be in touch. Thanks. Bye."

Yeah... Didn't get that one...
(PsychoApeMan Riding a white pig to the edge of Lapland, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 0:04, Reply)

I used to recruit for a telemarketing agency...
Without a doubt, my favourite interview was for a small company that liked to think they were on the cusp of the moving goalposts etc.

A group of twelve backpackers were taken into a room and given a handful of straws, a roll of sticky tape and a mars bar. They were then told that they had 15 minutes to build a structure that could hold the mars bar for 30 seconds.

Only two people succeeded, and only 5 people attempted it. We gave jobs to everyone else.

edit: I should also mention one young man, who after 3 weeks of intensive sales coaching asked me for a private meeting and then whispered to me "I told the agency that I wanted to work with my hands", but I won't.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 23:54, Reply)

donksta
You misunderstand ;) I know people lie on their CV's. But normally people don't apply for a job when they have none of the skills requested - hell, this guy didn't even have a sense of humour (that we could see)

All he did was waste everyone's time.
( GazChap, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 23:37, Reply)

At a reputable software company
As I walked toward the building, two men stumbled along behind me from the pub, reeking of beer and talking about football. In my suit I gave the two men the filthiest look I could for stagnating in a pub instead of being at work.

They followed me to the door.

They followed me up the stairs.

The receptionist (my girlfriend's mother) looks at one of the men as they walk through the door and says: "Hello Mark. Got a call for you on line two."

Mark was the CEO.

Long story short: Got the job but didn't take it. Fuck a 12 hour work day for a laugh.
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 22:58, Reply)

Just because other people got jobs...
Interviewer: So, how are you at Photoshop?
Me (being relaxed and mellow): I'm pretty good -- I even post to B3TA occasionally.
Interview (strange look): Oh.

So now you know, kids.
( Sydney Bintstow, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 22:55, Reply)

Honesty...
My cousin was on an interview panel for a sales job with a character who liked to fire in questions to try and stump interviewees. All fairly standard.

At the end of one interview the bloke interrupted and said "what's the most embarrassing thing you can think of?"

The young victim flashed back:

"When I was 16 my dad came home to find me wearing my sister's clothes and admiring myself in the mirror. He went mental, bundled me into the car, drove me to the centre of town and made me walk home in drag"

This stumped the previously unflappable boss, who eventually stammered "Er...I was looking for a hypothetical example, but thanks for sharing".

He got the job...salesmen eh?
(Brian Cheese, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 22:52, Reply)

job interviews
As a manager for a big retailer I have conducted more than my fair share of interviews and some candidates, on reflection, were weird or down right crap.
However my interview for my current job was embarrassing.

I had written in, on the monday, to the head quarters of this retailer and was contacted on the wednesday for an interview on the friday.
Made some lame excuse about needing time off to my boss, and off I went in my best suit to the head quarters of this international company.

I feel the epitome of what a great manager should be, I feel like I am the dogs danglies. This company wanted me badly, I convince myself.
I get shown through to the regional managers office and he is sitting there with his group personel manager. I get a polite but bemused hello and the personel manager (the PM) kicks off with the usual questions. The Head dude is sitting there staring at me, which is begining to put me off.

After half an hour, at some pre arragned signal he butts in and starts being the "Bad Cop" - "when have you ever lost your temper with a member of staff" and the such like.
Anyway, he concludes the interview, and with a vague smile on his face bids me farewell. His PM cant look me in the face.

I go back to reception, sign out and walk to the car. This is where I discover that when I arrived and put on my jacket, the collar and lapels had got badly tucked inside and I must have resembled some sort of day-release subway killer. No wonder they looked at me as if I was some form of fuckwit!

I got the job, probably because I scared them.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 22:31, Reply)

Sabotaged!
When our branch was being shut down, we were informed of all of the other job openings at the company. I seemed remotely qualified for one, so I applied and got an interview. It was a four hour drive to the offices, but, having just learned how to use Access and SQL at school, I felt like I would easily get the job.
It turns out there was a woman there who thought I was trying to take her job, she managed to talk herself into the interview and proceded to make me look as bad as possible, throwing out questions that no one would know and just being as horrible as possible. I have never said "I don't know" and "No" so many times in a interview.

Lucky for me, I called up a guy that I went to high school with who lived in the same city where I drove for the interview. He got me an interview at his company the next day, I got the job and moved two weeks later. I still work there, it's great.
(local_weather rarely posts anything, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 22:22, Reply)

Some "Crrrrazy look at me I'm crrrrazy" American asked me to tell a joke at the end of an interview
I started scanning my mind for the most harmless joke.

I keapt hearing this voice in my head saying "What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby?". Panic began to set in, I'd been making "um er noises for quite a while"

"Why did the girl fall off of the swing?" said the voice again.

"What's the best this about fucking twentyeight year olds?"

"What's worse than a barrel of dead babies?"

"JUST FUCK THE CUNT SAY THE FUCKING BABY JOKE"

eventually I settled for "I'm sorry but I think that jokes should be made on a speradic basis rather than memorised."

I think they got the wrong impression of me, but it was probably for the best

The answers to the above jokes are:
1)An erection
2)Because she didn't have any arms
3)There are twenty of them
4)The one at the bottom trying to eat his way out
( mrbongo sweating like a formicophiliac on I'm a celebrity, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 22:21, Reply)

Dixon's
My boyfriend went for a little part time job when he was 16 or something.
He had completely fogotten it, was late and dressed in jeans.
They asked him "what's your worst trait?". After thinking for a second, he just blurted out "hmm, I'm lazy"! Shockingly, they still gave him a job!
( dub-girl, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 22:18, Reply)

My Cambridge interview
Interviewer: "So, what periods of history do you like?"

Me: "Well, I like ancient history a lot. And the more modern geopolitical stuff, the great powers and that. Anything after about 1750 really."

Interviewer: "Oh, so you're not a medievalist then?"

Me: "Oh god no, I find all that deeply boring. It all seems to be peasants covered in crap"

Interviewer: "That's interesting. I'm a medieval historian as it happens"

Me: (thinks) "Shit"

Later on...

Interviewer: "So tell me, do you actually know anything relevant? Because so far all you've said is 'it's not my field'. Do you have a field?"

Me: "Ummm..."

Incredibly, I managed to get in- the other interviewer who sat there taking notes apparently thought I was being amusing.

At least I didn't have the experience of a friend, who opened the door and found the interviewer reclining on a chaise-lounge wearing only a dressing gown...
( Shrub Rocketeer is a twisted emotional husk, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 22:04, Reply)

The interviewer was the only person I've ever met with the same first name as me
I was slightly taken aback to discover that it was a girl two years younger than me who remembered me as "that wierd bloke from school with the long hair".
she offered me an agency job at this company and I said
"nah, can't work there"
"why not?" she asks
"well a couple of months ago, they fired me for shoplifting"
she was a little reluctant to offer me another position
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 22:00, Reply)

Coming second
I went for the job of prime minister.
When asked what qualities I had I replied with 'I'm a useles cunt'.

Unfortunately some bloke called Tony had beaten me to it.
(bettyswollocks, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 21:54, Reply)

And your name is..?
A mate of mine was interviewing this bloke for a job in his book shop. The candidate's name was Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed.

Q: So what do you like to be called then?
A: Mohammed
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Thu 20 Jan 2005, 21:50, Reply)

My shortest interveiw
After being made redundant from my old job, I attempted to get a job at my local branch of buildabase. By local I mean two towns away.

I handed in my application, and to my supprise i got offered an interveiw sraight away.

All things going well, I breezed through the managers questions, doing relly well. Just as i thougt the job was in the bag he put my applcation in a drawer and told me that i was ok for the job but they wernt hiring for the moment.

i left and shortly after i was interveiwed by my current employer (a supermarket) witch was to asatain the level of shit i was prepaird to put up with, under the thin veneer of "getting to know me"

im yet to hear from buildabase
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 21:42, Reply)

applicaton
The company my boyfriend works for were hiring for sales people, and he read an application form from one guy, these are the replies to a few of the questions:

Q.What is your greatest achievement?
A.Reading Lord of the Rings.

Q.What are your salary requirements?
A.I would really like to earn five figures, as I have never achieved this before.

Bearing in mind this guy was nearly 40..
(Borderline Schizo, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 20:21, Reply)

twonk
Get this right, i was interviewing this twonk who said he knew CSS and Java, but he didn't know CSS at all! He lied on his resume!! He knew Java though, but still, what a twonk. IT guys eh. Krazy fucks
(donksta, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 20:13, Reply)