THE AFTERNOON WAS NOT GOING WELL
I had my good lady in my favourite position: jeans and pants off, legs up in the air (in stirrups, no less), with her trembling gash on show like a frightened pink earthworm, naked and slimy, nestling in a bush of fine, silky dark hair. She looked like she was mid-way through an alien abduction, waiting to be probed by a horny grey alien with a raging hard on.

The door opened. A random doctor or nurse stuck their head in, caught a glimpse of the four of us: The nurse, myself, the Mrs, and the Mrs’ cunt. Then without a word fucked off. This was the fifth or sixth person who’d barged in and barged out like this.

The nurse looked over at us and said: “Nice weather we’re having...”

The Mrs. and I looked over as if to say: It’s hard to talk about the fucking weather when you’re waiting to have some stranger route round your most intimate of body cavities with the level of care, tact, and dilligence you’d more commonly expect from an alcoholic psychopath with tourettes and a nasty temper, who’s wife’s just left him getting a job working on the Samaritans helpline. We’d been kept waiting here for nearly an hour already. And prior to this we were waiting for two hours in the area with the crappy uncomfortable chairs and whiff of vomit in the air. Our appointment time had come and gone and was lost in the mists of time, a fable, something we could tell our grandchildren about in the same mystical tones you’d associate with tales about Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster.

The nurse continued: “I’ll just go and see where the doctor is...”

And she goes, returns momentarily with what I can best describe as a foetus wearing a rumpled shirt and a pair of chinos. The ‘doctor’ was about ten. I’m sure any day now puberty would hit the poor fucker like a ton of bricks and his days singing soprano in the school choir would be well and truly over.

“Now, then – where to start?” said the doctor absently in a weedy little whiney high-pitched voice that probably had dogs within a mile radius barking, freaking out and generally chasing their tails.

“Erm... It’s just here,” I said helpfully, pointing down between the Mrs’ legs from my vantage point up at the other end of the gurney where I was busy on hand holding duties.

He explained he was a junior doctor and that the proper bona-fide fanny surgeon was busy elbows deep in another wonky vag someplace else. He sat himself down on a stool and regarded my Mrs’ spam holder as if it was the first one he’d ever seen in his life, twisting his head this way and that, screwing up his eyes and pursing his lips. I expected him to proclaim: “AH-HAA! I KNOW WHAT THIS IS! IT’S A FEMALE CUNT! I’VE SEEN PICTURES! A REAL LIFE FEMALE COCK HOLDER, A GENUINE IN-THE-FLESH SPAM SHEATH! WHO’D HAVE THOUGHT?!?” But he didn’t.

Instead the junior doctor slipped on a rubber glove and splurted cold, thick lube onto a couple of fingers while eyeing the Mrs’ poorly pussy in the same way a mechanic examines a knackered old engine. I thought for one moment he was going to give us a quote or say with a tut: “I can get it working again but you’re gonna have to replace before it gets worn out completely.”

His gloved hand fully lubed and looking like an extra out of a dodgy underage German fetish porn flick, the junior doc approached the Mrs’ quivering flaps, and he said almost absently: “I’m going to insert a couple of fingers inside the vagina and locate the cervix.”

The Mrs had been strangely quiet up ‘til this point, resigned to another round of ritual humiliation at the hands of the NHS, but I could tell she’d had enough. She just about shouted back: “Most men who’ve used that line on me have at least bought me a drink first.* I don’t even know your name, son.”

The nurse laughed. I laughed. The junior doctor went red and tried to hide his face, lowering it, until he realised he was probably within eating-out distance of the Mrs’ exposed cunny-hole. We stared at him. Is he going to??? No, surely not??? Naaahhh, that would be fucking... WRONG!!! He shot back up, stripped off the glove, suddenly all flustered, and fucked off out the room, mumbling to himself.

“He’s new,” said the nurse. “Give him a few minutes and he’ll be ok.”

“New? New!?! Looks like he was only delivered out of one of these things a few years ago,” said the Mrs, pointing at her fuzzbox as she swung her legs round and started hunting round for her knickers. She was off on one now: “And if he’s scared of a vagina he’s really in the wrong business. Don’t they show them photos of vaginas in the interview? Don’t they say: ‘this is what you’re gonna be working with, if you don’t like it or are afraid of it for any reason, go and be an elbow doctor?”

Awkward silence...

Followed by more awkward silence... Then the nurse disappeared too.

Eventually the proper surgeon fella came and sorted the Mrs. out (examination-wise, he didn’t fuck her or anything).

TIP FOR THOSE THINKING OF GOING INTO GYNOCOLOGY**: 1) Don’t keep women waiting round knickerless for hours on end. 2) If you’re going to ram your hand up a ladies snatch at least tell her your name first, it’s polite. 3) And, probably most important of all, make sure you have yourself actually gone through puberty. Otherwise it’s just a little bit too fucking freaky. Who the fuck wants to get fingered by Dougie Howser M.D???

* Believe me, this line has a shitload more gravitas when the person saying it happens to have their genitals on full view at the time.

** As a profession, not as a hobby.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 13:54, 13 replies)

Who the fuck DOESN'T want to get fingered by Doogie Howser?
Come on, admit it. The thought of that fresh-faced blonde scamp rooting around down there truly does it for you, doesn't it?
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 13:59, closed)

That programe used to confuse the fuck out of me
So, he's a kid. And he's a doctor. But that's ok cuz he's a genius... And he works in an accident and emergency department. Freaky...

But, thinking about it, the main thing that freaked me out was that spectacular bush of blonde pubes on his barent. He should've considered a skinhead, or maybe had his hair straightened.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:07, closed)

Does he ever age?
Even as a Space Nazi in Starship Troopers he looked no older.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:10, closed)

Grown in a test tube
And they release a new version of the teen-clone every couple of years.

Only logical explanation.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:11, closed)

I seriously doubt he'd be interested
being good with colours and all that
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:25, closed)

it took me till after posting my reply to figure out you meant the same thing
what a spastic
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 15:24, closed)

officelol

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 16:16, closed)

he's gay

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 15:23, closed)

How do you know I'm not?

( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 20:23, closed)

I am
if anyones interested :)
(Gulliver, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:26, closed)

im in
sweeeet.
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 23:14, closed)

took me
all of 3 seconds to realise it was you.

nicely told
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:02, closed)

Same
Wasn't even through the first line
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 23:42, closed)

ha ha
I knew it was you straight away!

We have a winner already - after only minutes of a new question!

Had me giggling aloud.
(dchurch bah, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:04, closed)

Well done Spanky.
- this one has a ring of truth to it. Not that that is at all relevant.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:09, closed)

UCLH
Gyno department... Apparently it's better now they've relocated to a new building, but back a year or so ago it was a bit of a shocker getting your fanny seen to there.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:13, closed)

*stops the clock*
Who had 'less than two hours' in the 'time it takes for a pathetic sex lie to be posted' sweepstake?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:09, closed)

You've used "pink caterpillar" before
and so I knew it was you from the first line

(either that or some kind of spanky impersonator)
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:26, closed)

True & changed
Lets face it, fannylips come in all different shapes and sizes. My Mrs' bits are quite compact, though I've come across the contents of other knickers that'd give you nightmares. We're talking full on meat curtains so big you could attach a fucking pelmet and use them to shade a bay window. Not very nice. Scary. Like looking at the nasty aftermath of a road traffic accident.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 14:34, closed)

I'm pleased never to have encountered that sort of thing in real life
some of the terrifying nipples I've seen were bad enough
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 15:25, closed)

You can get plastic surgery for nips now
the worlds gone mad.
(Lizard King, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:14, closed)

Morning coffee and Spanky =
LOL and coffee everywhere ;-0

Make good points between the funnies about the state of gynocology in the UK. Just had a smear test and that was not fun. Treated like a side of beef.
(Hotty, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:59, closed)

Great post
funny stuff about a not very funny subject. Beats the shit out of the emo crap that's been on here recently. click.
(Lizard King, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:13, closed)

Having to hold my hand over my mouth when reading this to stop
laughing out loud. You have a way with words. Hope your other halfs wonky body is sorted out now.
(Gulliver, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 11:25, closed)

A GENUINE IN-THE-FLESH SPAM SHEATH
Had be laughing! Gonna use that tonight in the pub! Thanks!

Nice LOL stuff by the way!
(Keyman, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 16:58, closed)

Me too
Seriously, where does your inspiration come from?
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Sat 13 Mar 2010, 15:44, closed)