Myself
probably bindun, but I find my biggest hindrance is myself (or at least the entity that thinks in my head, let us call him "myself")

I have always questioned myself: why? how could you let that happen, or let them do that to you? When things go wrong, rather than a rational, "well things happen" I think, "I really deserve it because I am failing in _____ area of my life."

I am hugely mistrustful, because I believe everyone has ulterior motives for being friendly; sadly, sometimes reality has proved this correct, but reason says it's simply not true.

I long for the same things everyone else longs for, but myself tells me that I'm not good enough, or fast enough, or strong enough, or handsome enough. The problem is that this causes a reaction of fierce anger, sadness, withdrawal, indifference, clownishness, and loneliness.

Unfortunately, unlike people with character and the ability to withstand trials, I have forfeited some of my choice and freedoms through actions that I initially hoped would dull the feelings, but simply enslaved me to something that is a catalyst to worse feelings and magnified pain. Myself has a lot to say about that, usually pointing out other people who faced much worse and still came out, head held high.

I long to soar, to love, to sing, to cry, to laugh. My hope has kept me earth bound and I have to fight myself to prove this hope is worth it. Sometimes the ball's in his court, sometimes in mine.

I have been blessed with things that many people would kill for. Why can't I overcome myself and joy in them? Why does myself remind me of my flaws and weaknesses? To paraphrase U2, where can I go to leave myself behind?

I keep waking up; I keep bathing, shaving, dressing correctly. I keep trying to smile and not become a whiner or an attention seeker - I can rationally see where myself's logic is all screwed up. I'm trying to become free from the addictions that have chained me to myself and relinquished my freedoms.

I'm not a nutjob, mind you, I just find it hard to overcome some of the negative kharma I receive from myself.

Sorry for the lack of funnies/interestingnesses.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 21:47, 7 replies)

Mate, it's called
being normal :) At least for me and the majority of people I know
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 21:54, closed)

I agree with Mr. Mentalist
Anyone without the feelings you describe in my experience is a shallow, self centered tosser. Just don't let your fear and pain define you. Easy to say, harder to do.

Chin up mate, you'll be OK
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 22:37, closed)

Ms. Mentalist ;)

( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 22:57, closed)

Yep, what mentalist said...
...once I realised its normal, things got a lot easier. One day it just 'clicked' for me. It will for you too...
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Fri 30 Apr 2010, 22:43, closed)

wow, I could be reading something I've written
so feel for you.

The 'good enough' thing is a real shitter isn't it? Even if you 'achieve' what you set out to, you still see the ways you could have done better, and 'next time round'. People say you're 'just being hard on yourself' or MTFU or whatever, but if you offered me a way to reprogramme my perspective, that actually worked and stayed working, I wouldn't hesitate.

And if this is normal, wow, its mad to think isn't it, we're all going round, feeling like we're the freaks, the exception to the rule, and everyone we look at has it sorted. But they don't, they're just acting better?
And yes, I know, fake it till you make it.
Wearing masks does my head in. It seems not genuine, but is a necessary unless, like you say become a "whiner or attention seeker"

Good luck with the addictions whatever they are. You CAN get on the other side of this (even though this is all just words on a screen), I wish you all the best.
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Sat 1 May 2010, 0:04, closed)

Counselling? I've found it helpful...
You need to find a good one though - there are some crap practioners out there as with every job. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is currently fashionable thus easily available and great for challenging those self-defeating thought patterns we all get stuck in from time to time. Basically it'll give you an opportunity to hold those thoughts up to scrutiny, test them against experience and empower you to think and act differently. Your GP should give you six weeks on the house.

If you're interested in why your errant self operates the way it does and how those thought patterns will have originated then maybe pop along to a Psychodynamic Therapist for a weekly session. This can go on for years though and take you to some pretty weird places...
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Sat 1 May 2010, 12:18, closed)

Are you me?
I have more or less similar behavioural patterns. Tis a bugger to be sure.
(Anachronist misplaced in time since, Mon 3 May 2010, 0:06, closed)