Breaking the law, breaking the law.
Ever been taken to court? Ever taken anyone to court?

Ever represented yourself? I shall be doing this fairly soon and am already pooing my pantaloons at the mere thought of it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 9:51, 120 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Taken someone to court, wasn't very nice.
Is the ex still being a fantastical shitcunt?
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 9:52, Reply)

Worse than ever.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 9:53, Reply)

I'm sure I could manage to y'know, get someone to tell her how unpleasant she's being.
In fact I'll even tell her myself if you like.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 9:54, Reply)

I am hoping that a judge does this, with me present.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 9:55, Reply)

Has anything in particular precipitated legal proceedings?
Or have you just had enough?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:05, Reply)

She's being more and more of a cunt all the time.
Enough is enough.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:34, Reply)

did you get hold of the pro bono people?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:08, Reply)

There can't be many of them, surely?
What with Bono being an epic cunt and all...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:10, Reply)

Actually I haven't needed to, but thanks.
I am being assisted by someone at Kennedy's who used to be a family lawyer.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:20, Reply)

Isn't your old man a brief? Blag some tips off him.
Been to court a few times. Haircut, shave, shirt and tie and act all apologetic and shameful. Assuming you're going guilty, which I was. You don't have to mean it, it just gives the judge/magistrates a better view of you.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 9:58, Reply)

Nah, my father is an academic.
I'm taking someone to court, not the other way round.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:02, Reply)

Finally getting that bastard who stole your drugs, huh?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:02, Reply)

What are your realistic chances of winning, if you don't mind me asking?
I assume this is regarding your delightful ex-missus.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:09, Reply)

I will win, no question.
There will be an element of compromise but she has literally zero chance of having my current court order (which was drawn up when my daughter was only one and a half) maintained now my kid is 4.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:11, Reply)

Just watch loads of episodes of Perry Mason and Petrocelli
You should get sufficient tips from those two.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:03, Reply)

Petrocelli rocked!
Even though he never got his house built. If he joined forces with Quincy, they could have been the coolest ever afternoon telly duo.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:11, Reply)

Yes. Took someone to court who owed me £6k. Did it myself. Won.
Have also been in court as witness.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:03, Reply)

So it's YOUR fault that Rangers are fucked
On behalf of all Scottish footballers supporters based outside of Glasgow, well done. I'm not one myself but neither of them can write.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:05, Reply)

Oh yeah, I'm a fucking criminal mastermind, me
Actually have been to court, it was most unpleasant. You should have seen the other guy though. They had to get him a special extra-thick cushion for his chair.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:04, Reply)

Was that a deliberate gay sex joke, or do I need to make it now?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:06, Reply)

It was, but feel free
Has anyone got that McBain pic handy?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:14, Reply)

hey, i don't come on here and ask you all about your day job
i managed to get new carpets for my dad recently by my brilliantly drafted proceedings. i say brilliant because the actual facts went something like this:

i ordered pure palest cream carpets for the hall, landing, stairs and various downstairs rooms because i am a man and i don't think these things through

i failed to take my shoes off because i am a man and i don't think these things through

i stained the carpet. gimme a new one.

unfortunately he was let loose to choose the second one himself, and it's.... "mushroom" coloured would be a kind description. it's a shame.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:07, Reply)

Some friends of mine have their entire house carpeted in white.
Noone is allowed to wear shoes in the place, and they spend loads of time fretting about the smallest mark or smudge. What is the point of white carpets? Seriously?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:15, Reply)

Something tells me he really is into something good there.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:21, Reply)

Been to court a couple of times over property issues
Don't do it yourself, you will get hammered. At least have an advocate who knows what to do. We had help from a homeless charity, which was better than nothing, but the only time we won, we had a barrister. Fuck you Ealing Council.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:09, Reply)

Dude, I cannot afford to pay someone.
I'm not doing this myself for fun, you know.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:13, Reply)

Nope, never
Again, nope, never.

Sorry about that.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:10, Reply)

Well that was helpful!
How's you dude?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:12, Reply)

Not bad thanks fella, yourself?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:21, Reply)

Just the once.
That whole Fiona Bruce 'stalking' thing.

They won.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:13, Reply)

No, sorry.
I started court proceedings against my bank a few years back to get my charges back, but it was at the time when they were caving like pussies, so it never got to court.

My advice would be to not wear pantaloons, though. You'll only look like an idiot.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:13, Reply)

I'm going to borrow some turquoise leggings and a cornflower blue snood off Dozer .

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:22, Reply)

The perfect look.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:22, Reply)

It just screams 'SRS LAWYER'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:24, Reply)

and MASSIVE BENDER

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:24, Reply)

Don't barristers wear black tights and frock coats and wigs?
Sounds a bit gay to me.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:25, Reply)

you bitches all be missing some great toast chat on /talk.
I hope they fucking hang you monty, no offence.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:25, Reply)

None taken you stinking Jocko.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:33, Reply)

typical tramp, racist and insulting.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:36, Reply)

Been on a jury.
It was fun to administer summary justice. I tried to absorb as little as possible of what the case was, and made my decision based on what they looked like.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:25, Reply)

Were they black?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:26, Reply)

Who?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:27, Reply)

The shifty looking on ein the dock.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:30, Reply)

Oh. Not black, no.
But they were all definitely forrins originally. I felt it best for everyone if they were sent down just in case anyway.

The QC was posher than God, and had to read out their statements, which were all in East End patois, "So, y'r honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 'I ain't done nuffink or no one, right, 'cos me n' me girl is jus' chillin' in the park, and I ain't not chucked my blood for nuffink or no one, right' ... "

It was great.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:34, Reply)

I read this as
'Hi everyone Vag here, I'm a massive tool, sorry about that'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:37, Reply)

I read that as "Waaaaaaaah!"

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:43, Reply)

I read that as "I read that as "Waaaaaaaah!""
Because I can read, apparently much better than you two.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:47, Reply)

I can't read or write, and am, in fact, blind.
And deaf.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:49, Reply)

you should totes work this in to the 'plot' of your next 'dark graphic novel'.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:38, Reply)

Actually my anecdote is being used in an episode of Law & Order (or possibly has by now - they write well in advance and I can't remember when they said it would air).

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:42, Reply)

That's about your level, NICE ONE!!!!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:43, Reply)

inorite?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:43, Reply)

totes emosh, right here

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:44, Reply)

Doctor, whenever I hear or read the phrase "totes emosh", it makes me want to kill everyone.
Is that normal?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:45, Reply)

Every time I see your username, I want to kill you.
HTH xx
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:48, Reply)

Get to the back of the queue, Deirdre - you're no different from anyone else.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:49, Reply)

Back of the queue? What am I, black?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:50, Reply)

Put it this way:
Yes.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:55, Reply)

Hey Monters
Who is instigating the proceedings - you or her?

Is she getting representation, and if so, how?

How is she still on benefits? Can't you just anonymously dob her in?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:28, Reply)

Me.
She gets legal aid. I don't.

She's technically disabled and a single mother and thus gets shitloads of cash from what I can see. She looks after our kid well, fucking up her cash would not help my daughter.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:29, Reply)

Is "Bitch" a disability now?
Broken Britain.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:33, Reply)

Candle!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:38, Reply)

Awwww *blushes*
*lights cig off candle*
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:44, Reply)

waht disabililty has she got, monty?
cos, and i may be barking up the tree here, but that could work in your favour, as an able-bodied person you're much more likely to be able to give your daughter the support and care that she needs.

spending more time with you would be beneficial to both her and her mother
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:42, Reply)

She's partially-sighted following diabetic complications.
There's no question that more time with me would benefit child, mother and father, but she's such a mental bitch she'd rather deny us all this, and cry on about being a victim. Proper screw loose.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:48, Reply)

haha
monty fucked a blind bird
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:51, Reply)

It's the blind bird I feel sorry for.
She fucked Monty.

Also, I'm cut up that you're superignoring me.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:52, Reply)

as if i am, b3th

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:55, Reply)

PS alright Revski?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:33, Reply)

Good thanks Montgomery
Working from home these days. Seems like I'm working harder than before with the same level of results.

Shitey broadband, innit?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:54, Reply)

I understand her benefits are eyesight-related
As a fellow eye-mong, I must support her right to be compensated for this, OR insist that she be murdered if she's taking the piss
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:35, Reply)

In fairness she is a proper eyewrong.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:37, Reply)

Well she hooked up with you didn't she? Must be blind as a mole.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:42, Reply)

I'm extremely good looking you cheeky knob.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:46, Reply)

Being extremely handsome is a terrible burden to bear.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:47, Reply)

So you heard.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:55, Reply)

I've done catalogue modelling.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:01, Reply)

Really? I don't believe you've mentioned that before....

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:03, Reply)

I'm very much a closed book.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:04, Reply)

I bet those catalogues were closed books as well.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:06, Reply)

We should start a support group
I've decided that I'm terribly good-looking as well
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:01, Reply)

I'm going to start an intervention group
and give you all a good hard reality slap upside the head(s)
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:02, Reply)

MODS!!!!!
Terrible bullying.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:03, Reply)

I have it on excellent authority that I'm hotter than Dozer
I'm simply staking my claim for a place in the pecking order
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:05, Reply)

ing er
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:08, Reply)

Your source doesn't exactly have a shining track record though, does she?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:11, Reply)

This is spectacularly immaterial
*looks for better source*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:14, Reply)

Au contraire, I would say it is fundamental to making a qualitative claim based on secondary information.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:15, Reply)

Your fancy words don't disguise your lack of counter-source
This is getting a bit bargain basement Tom Clancy
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:16, Reply)

Darth bbz
I've been stopped in the street numerous times by women telling me how good looking I am. I get accosted by birds in clubs all the time. It's actually a bit embarrassing.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:18, Reply)

Yes, well a Honda Accord does wonders for the man on the street's sex appeal
In all seriousness I've somehow managed to compel no less than three lesbians to try it on with me. I suspect they can smell their own.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:20, Reply)

I don't drive.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:23, Reply)

I'm amazed that this was the only thing you found unlikely about my post

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:30, Reply)

I have a keen eye for the truth.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:34, Reply)

Simon Weston is hotter than Dozer.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:18, Reply)

Peter Beardsley is better looking than Monty.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:19, Reply)

He won't know who that is
He likes shit music, use Shane MacGowan
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:20, Reply)

Eddie The Eagle Edwards is both better looking and less of a flid than Dozer

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:22, Reply)

Les Dawson's corpse
Is better looking, sweeter smelling, more musically talented and funnier than Monty.

No returns.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:23, Reply)

Didn't know you worked for Phones 4 U

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:29, Reply)

Well, now you do.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk about my employers on here though.

Privacy and all that, ken?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:30, Reply)

I've seen pictures wurzel

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:04, Reply)

I attempted to get out of a speeding fine on a technicality
had a few letters back and forth, in the end they basically called my bluff and went down the "we'll see what a judge says" route at which point I folded like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face.

I did jury duty once, that was fun. The defendant was an idiot.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:38, Reply)

I suggest you counter any
Argument the ex makes using the recognised legal objection that is

'Chinny Reckon' or, if you really want to show the court that you ex is telling porkies throw in the occasional 'Jimmy Hill'. Add a few chin stroking gestures and you'll walk away a winner in no time.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:47, Reply)

I wanna be a winner, Jeff.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:48, Reply)

Brown Sauce lolz

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:51, Reply)

Also citing 'Jackanory' will help.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:48, Reply)

I may be wrong, but don't they involve social workers and things in cases like this?
Where they talk to the kid and find out how they feel about parent X and parent Y? Surely this can only be a good thing for you, as kiddo will tell them about all the fun and informative things you do with her.

Are you hoping to get better access for your Mum too?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 10:57, Reply)

Can't believe no-one's made the obligatory mum/access joke

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:15, Reply)

I think everyone must have me on ignore.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:17, Reply)

I know I do.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:18, Reply)

If that's what the cool kids are doing I'll have to follow suit I'm afraid
So many of our fellow b3tans are faultless role models that I daren't buck the trend
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:18, Reply)

If it gets that far then they will get involved.
Basically as soon as someone official who isn't me or ex is involved, I win, because in all seriousness anyone can see she's being a spiteful cunt.

Part of getting overnight stays is so I can take her to my mother's, yes, also my sister's and my bruv too.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:24, Reply)

then make sure the social receive an anonymous call.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:25, Reply)

What I need is an updated court order
which reflects my kid's age. That's all. It's preposterous, the whole thing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:31, Reply)

What you need is a haircut young man.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:33, Reply)

What you need is some built-up shoes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:33, Reply)

What you need is a personality transplant, you facewrong.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:34, Reply)

Oi! QOTW fans!
Legless is back.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:35, Reply)

Three 'cheers'!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 31 Aug 2012, 11:40, Reply)