Good morning losers. I'm looking at holidays.
What are you looking at?

Alt: can you describe another b3tan in 3 words?

Altalt: Which cliches always turn out to be true?

Altaltalt: plans for the week end/weekend?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:03, 114 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

alright
The screen of my HTC One.

Alt: prolly not, je suis un verbose prick.

Alt alt: rusty roof, smelly garage

Altaltalt: painting a ceiling and going round to my mate's to mix records.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:10, Reply)

mate? but you don't have any mates, REMEMBER?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:13, Reply)

I have plenty.
This one is a techno & electro producer and is learning to DJ so his productions will improve. He releases records on highly respected record labels which you won't have heard of.

A box of my breakbeat records is round his, I expect him to be able to mix them.

True story yo.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:17, Reply)

I'm looking at those nude pics of you I found online, you really should be more careful who you let photograph you.
Alt. Can I do loads that are all really mean to you? like "Fat Psycho Cunt" and "Northern Ginger Mess" and my favourite, you new Souix name "Sucks About Bins" actually that would be really harsh and classes as bulying so I won't do it.

AltAlt. Smoke Crack, Fuck Bitches - Nelson Mandela

Altaltalt. Its Wednesday, I have no idea what I am doing tomorrow, let alone the weekend. I could be dead by then (and probably will be)
( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:28, Reply)

you could well be after that post
I'll set the Cornish mafia on you
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:35, Reply)

I think I can fend of 3 whiny pricks who are actually from Devon.

( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:37, Reply)

My work internet crawling along
Think someone is downloading, very annoying.

Alt: Above 50% bent.

AltAlt: Fat lasses try harder.

AltAltAlt: In Nottingham for the weekend.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:35, Reply)

eew fat lasses

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:38, Reply)

Yeh, because they fucking have too! Cured my fucking premature ejactulation problem! All I have to think about is that fat Scottish lass and I'm good for hours.

( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:45, Reply)

Terrible bullying of b3th

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:48, Reply)

B3th stood me up. B3th can go to hell! B3th left a hole! Right here man! Right here!

( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:52, Reply)

Also, WHERE ARE OUR FUCKING ICONS B3TH???

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:55, Reply)

This.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:48, Reply)

^ edgy satire ^

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:53, Reply)

This is more tragicomedy

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:03, Reply)

'He releases records on highly respected record labels which you won't have heard of. '
..is up there with 'we're vey well-regarded in the modelling community', phrase which has a silent 'ACTUALLY' attached to it.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:35, Reply)

well yer
Swipe won't have heard of Iwari, Djaxx, Creme Organisation or Bunker.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:55, Reply)

I'm looking at flats and houses.
My flatmate is cooking something that smells like warmed up sick.
I feel ill now.
( wanderlust, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:49, Reply)

Its Lusty! How are you? Apart from ill? Is it the bad aids? I hope not.

( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:51, Reply)

I'm alright really.
I just can't handle the smell coming from the kitchen this early.

How are you?
( wanderlust, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 8:53, Reply)

Tired. There are too many women in my house. I'm thinking of quitting.
However I have been told quitting a family isn't quite the same as quitting a job and that I have to stay.
( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:02, Reply)

Schoolboy error there having two daughters
You should've made sure at least one of them was a boy
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:04, Reply)

2 daughters is a better long term investment
They command a far higher price in the middle east as sex slaves.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:05, Reply)

Dammit!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:10, Reply)

it is your fault
something that henry viii never did understand
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:15, Reply)

You just have to hand in 2 months notice

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:04, Reply)

Brilliant!

( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:07, Reply)

hello lovely
how's the new bar? are you working thu evening/night? frog and i might be at the cinema opposite, so we could pop in?? x
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:09, Reply)

I'll be in head office on Thursday so won't be around :(
I have a big scary meeting with all UK managers and directors.

The bar is a dive, but I love it. I have never been this happy at work. Fingers crossed it continues.
( wanderlust, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:28, Reply)

oh what a shame :((
next time. so happy you're happy with it
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:29, Reply)

I have a pretty decent rota so get actual time off and can start to have a bit of a life again.
Five evenings off this week, I honest don't know what to do with myself.
( wanderlust, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:31, Reply)

Currently planning meetings so looking at my schedule
Alt Argh My Eyes.

Altalt: one swallow does not a summer make, however its a pretty good outcome to a first date.

altx3: I have been told the inlaws are coming to stay.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:08, Reply)

A very small person
Alt: nazi drug tramp

Altalt: all black people are criminals

Altaltalt: playing my veggie patch
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:09, Reply)

monty would be so proud of this

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:10, Reply)

THIS
www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/26823304
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:09, Reply)

Shit manger moves to shit club
It's moyes to Man U again
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:11, Reply)

What you have to understand is twofold
1) We were never going to get a top-class manager but this at least will get the fans cheering

2) You're a cunt
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:12, Reply)

The only thing worse than football is lower league football

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:16, Reply)

lower league football your mum
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:19, Reply)

Oddly, I agree.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:41, Reply)

It's just like watching Brazil.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:15, Reply)

Has terry Gillian started a new career?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:17, Reply)

He's a football nut.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:18, Reply)

Well played
Unfortunately it's the 1974 vintage
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:19, Reply)

Alan?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:35, Reply)

Unfortunately
Yes
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:46, Reply)

You know Pearce is a shit manager, right?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:20, Reply)

And seeing as how almost no-one will appreciate the above or how excited it gets me
AltAlt:

Daily Mail readers are idiots
Everyone in Derbyshire is a moronic cunt
Money can't buy happiness, except in Thailand
And others
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:11, Reply)

Did your weakest link win not make you happy?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:13, Reply)

Yes
But the thing is, that was 3 years ago. Move on, Nakers. Let the past be the past
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:18, Reply)

NEVER!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:19, Reply)

YEAH! remember/make up tiny details about randoms you'll never get to meet because you have NO LIFE of your own! that'd be COOL!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:23, Reply)

YM's oleaginous axe wound.
Alt: filthy carrot cruncher

Altalt: I won't cum in your mouth.

Altaltalt: It's only Wednesday.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:17, Reply)

Alt: Is Frog filthy?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:21, Reply)

Peej, mate.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:30, Reply)

I had carrots last night.
and I never bathe. So you have me bang to rights there.
( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:46, Reply)

i very much doubt it's oleaginous by now
probably more dusty than anything
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:24, Reply)

More likely to have been devoured from the inside by bacteria
I doubt there's a lot of it left now
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:27, Reply)

what about worms?
did ilkley moor lie to us?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:28, Reply)

Worms don't eat corpses
The key lesson to take from Ilkley Moor, is not to forget your heargear.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:31, Reply)

And that some form of protective headgear is probably in order.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:34, Reply)

i remember learning that song when i was at primary school in buckinghamshire
30 kids with accents that would make the queen sound like a chav, trying to do a yorkshire one.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:35, Reply)

Alt: Let's play guess the b3tan
Absolutely top bloke
Undeterred by shortness
Illiterate monkey fancier
Delusional supposed fashionista
Obvious sock puppet
Insufficiently gay gayer
Utterly pointless crotchstain
Your mum would
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:26, Reply)

The first one is deffo me

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:27, Reply)

Oh shit I forgot about you
I'll be nice and go with: surprisingly decent album
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:28, Reply)

I can live with that :)

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:29, Reply)

al
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:30, Reply)

It is pretty cute

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:30, Reply)

You can't stop him existing just by striking through his name
Can you?

Fuck it, worth a go

David Walliams
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:31, Reply)

Nah that's beth

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:29, Reply)

Last one sounds like me

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:30, Reply)

are these all the same person?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:28, Reply)

Yes, Swipey
They're all you

Especially the first one
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:29, Reply)

i thought they could all be you
or jason

or apey
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:29, Reply)

I am neither short nor a fashionista

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:32, Reply)

I thought you were under six foot?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:17, Reply)

None of these are me

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:29, Reply)

One of them is

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:31, Reply)

I'm an absolutely top bloke, just ask swipey

( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:29, Reply)

I have met you and cannot support this assertion.
Worzel.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:32, Reply)

I bet his gummage was good though

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:33, Reply)

"hold on, just let me put my sucking head on"

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:34, Reply)

His Gummidge game is strong.
oo-arr.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:35, Reply)

Worzel Gummidge was not Cornish and neither was his accent so there.

( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:45, Reply)

^ this ^
his brother's a star though
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:33, Reply)

His brother is a burning ball of gas?
I know how that feels. Naga last night.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:38, Reply)

ick

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:48, Reply)

You are a cruel and heartless person.
I quite liked you. Maybe because you're cruel and heartless, who knows?
( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:40, Reply)

no you didn't
nobody likes him
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:48, Reply)

*hopes he is the last one*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:34, Reply)

I'm the first one.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:42, Reply)

Actually that's both you and Sporters

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:15, Reply)

\o/

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:16, Reply)

Mornin'
I'm currently looking at porridge and coffee

Alt:
Amphibian sideboard loon

AltAlt:
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is

AltAlt:
Getting ready for holidays
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:29, Reply)

In reference to your AltAlt
I would point you back to my link above
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:30, Reply)

I think thats as good an appointment as you could hope for

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:33, Reply)

Next season should be exciting at the very least

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:36, Reply)

We'll see you there!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:38, Reply)

Nah there's no chance we'll get promoted now mate
Yes I know what you meant. I'm being positive for your sake.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:42, Reply)

I'm 100% positive that getting beat 2-1 at home by West Ham has relegated Sunderland

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:05, Reply)

\o/

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:23, Reply)

Out the window at the city skyline, it's ugly.
alt: illiterate angry shut-in

altalt: Sod's law

altaltalt: holiday!
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:31, Reply)

alt: dozer/battered/bory may well be the same person. good point.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:34, Reply)

I intend to research the local art scene on Saturday, and am going out with my women on Sunday to a local vintage arts and fashion fair.
I'm a fucking hipster, me.

Alt alt: it's always the last place you look! D'oh!

Alt: Dozer: not an accountant.

I'm looking at B3ta - duh.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:32, Reply)

accountancy exams are really hard
dozer would never have passed them
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:35, Reply)

Good point well made.
Dozer: is a prick
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 9:44, Reply)

yer I'm shit at maths stuff innit
Luckily I work in HNW financial advice so don't have to do any sums.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:17, Reply)

Isn't it all just adding and subtracting?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:17, Reply)

PL/SQL Developer (tm)
alt: bitter, angry midget

altaltAlt: I don't plan that far ahead.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:08, Reply)

i hope for everyone's sake (except his rape victim) that the bitter angry midget gets some soon
his little blue balls are making him all aggressive
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:14, Reply)

Chompy Version Two.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:09, Reply)

THIS CALLS FOR A NEWS LINK!

( Peej, Wed 2 Apr 2014, 10:18, Reply)