A few years ago, I was just coming out of a relationship
I'd been with the girl for just shy of two years, and I adored her, but she drove me mental. Add a few other details to it, and it's clear that the relationship was on it's last legs. About a week before we split up, I'd been out with a few friends, and had started chatting to another girl who was in our group, called Steph. Quite a pretty lass, but I knew she had a history of being an absolute tease, so when she was flirting with me, I openly flirted back, knowing that nothing would come of it.

A few days later, I split with my girlfriend, moped about for a few days, then decided that I had to MTFU and get over it, so I set out to do so. One part of this was to get back into an old routine where my friends and I would meet every Monday night for a few drinks, and anyone could join. The first night back, Steph joined us, and once again, we were flirting hugely, only this time it felt a little different. I tried not to dwell on it, but it looked like something may actually happen that night.

A few hours go by, the end of the night is approaching, and we're all rather drunk. I offer to walk Steph home (this wasn't uncommon), and she accepted. We're about 5 minutes out of the pub when she grabs my hand, pulls me into a side road, presses me up against a wall, and starts kissing me. 'Result', I think, but unfortunately I knew she was in the same position I'd been in a few weeks previously, and so I (very reluctantly) pulled away, saying she shouldn't really do this when she's had a couple of drinks. She agrees, thinks for a second, shrugs, and we start kissing again.

On the way to her house, we walk past a field, just off a main road. At this point, we've been stopping for kissing and fondles all the way, so we're both horny as hell, and just want to find somewhere/anywhere to go and have a little more fun. We smile at one another, and disappear into the field (the main road isn't lit very brightly, so as soon as you're about 15 feet from the road, no-one can see you). We start to kiss, start to strip each other a little, and things progress further. I won't go into the technical details, as I lack the writing skills to make it sound like anything more than it was, drunken fun. Eventually, she asks me whether I have any protection. I reach into my wallet, into the pocket (the zip pocket that runs along the back) where I always keep one, and can't find one, what a disaster!

I admit this to her, she admits she doesn't mind, and that I could 'maybe put it somewhere else instead?'. I've since found out from her friend that she's very much into anal, so something like this wasn't exactly unknown for her. Unfortunately, there's only so much of that you can do in a field when you've no lube, no huge amount of time to help her relax, or anything like that, as the temperature is dropping quite quickly. After a few tries, she admits it's probably not going to happen, as it's a bit tight. I grudgingly agree, and we get dressed again.

I walk her home, and head back to my house. As I get in, my housemate at that time asks me where I've been. I tell him the story, including the lack of condom, demonstrating by putting my hand into the pocket I always kept it, before letting it swing from my hand, at which point I feel something that feels awfully familiar. FUCK!

It turned out that for whatever reason, I'd put the condom on the other side of the fold, meaning that we could certainly have had more fun. Sadly, that never came to pass, as after she split with her fella (a few days later), she went off the radar for a while, started hanging round with other people. She reappeared months later, but it was clear any attraction that was between us up to that point was gone.

So there you go, I did have some fun, but my regret is simply not being diligent enough in checking my wallet.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 10:09, 25 replies)

In a Darth Vader voice, "NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 10:21, closed)

It must be awful to not have any saliva glands. You poor bastard.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 10:38, closed)

Wouldn't have helped, sadly

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 10:50, closed)

"only so much of that you can do in a field when you've no lube"

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 12:05, closed)

I understand what you mean, I simply we couldn't for other reasons, any more explanation of which would likely lead to cries of 'TMI'

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 12:52, closed)

NEI!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 14:42, closed)

I have phimosis.
Don't look it up, you really don't want to. Basically, it means anything like that would be bloody painful, and could lead to tearing (which hurts)
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 14:50, closed)

I'm totally wanking to this revelation.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 16:02, closed)

Wow.
Wikipedia is quite "in your face" on this.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 19:01, closed)

Yep, that's why I tend to warn people not to look it up

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 15 Dec 2011, 8:53, closed)

Oh, I like to learn new things.
And look at willies, of course.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 15 Dec 2011, 10:23, closed)

Did she not have any 'natural' lubricant at that point in the proceedings?

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 12:04, closed)

What he said

(Cheeselog is mostly water, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 12:44, closed)

I may be missing the point ...
but what kind of natural arse lube did you have in mind ?
( Ramsay Tupper, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 12:46, closed)

Beeswax and organic mutton tallow

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 12:47, closed)

Mmmm. Mutton tallow.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 12:51, closed)

Yes, enough for a start, maybe, but she would have needed a bit of 'warming up' first, which is difficult when you're freezing cold, in the middle of a field

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 12:51, closed)

Shame she didn't have a mouth really.
was this in fact a headless corpse?
(username failed moderation, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 13:02, closed)

After this happened, the mood was completely gone, sadly

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 13:43, closed)

Hang on: did she live with her bloke at the time?
Otherwise you could have, you know, picked up where you left off when you got to her place. Or had the mood been killed?
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 13:34, closed)

She lived with her parents, sadly
And yes, the mood was completely gone.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 13:36, closed)

Ah, denied
An ex of mine lived with her parents, her brother, her sister and the two family dogs, so any chance of entering and remaining in the house silently were effectively zero.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 13:43, closed)

Oof, fookin hell
I'm just gutted it wasn't a week later, or I could have simply taken her back to my place (I was just about to move out of my parents).
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 13:48, closed)

Dude - you were in a field.
Couldn't you have just got a cow to piss on your cock?
(yourmumonastickwithmintsauce, Thu 15 Dec 2011, 9:52, closed)

Not a farmers field, just a general field
There's now a nursing home built there, I like to think it was built as a memorial to my stupidity.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 15 Dec 2011, 9:55, closed)