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This is a question Terrible food

Back when I was a student, we had a "clear out the fridge" party. Everyone brought what they had left and the idea was to make a big meal out of it.

The stew/casserole/whatever was going surprisingly well until someone added the tin of mackerel in tomato sauce they'd been hoarding all year.

What's the worst thing you've ever cooked or eaten? Who's the worst cook you've encountered?

[and yes, we've asked this before, but way, way back before we had the fancy QOTW pages]

(, Thu 17 May 2007, 10:23)
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This question is now closed.

No one had better mention
Chapati flour.

Sorry.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 14:45, Reply)
Food weapons
To use food as a weapon, you either need to create a reaction to liberate energy, or for the simple hit, just bash someone over the head with a large marrow. But as example of the former, mix some vinegar or other acid with bicarbonate of soda in a sealed bottle. Generates lots of carbon dioxide, but unfortunately it would not build up enough pressure to rupture the bottle.

Unlike my liquid nitrogen bomb, but that's WAY off topic.

Or you could try the Mythbusters trick of Coke and Mentos. That looks like fun. Or try these little round pellets of coarse salt. Put them on an electric cooker ring and they explode nicely (discovered by me, aged ca 11 years).
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 14:43, Reply)
My parents went away.....
My parents had gone away on Holiday (has anyone else ever noticed that there is a time when you have "grown up" enough for your parents to leave you alone, and therefore don’t ask you if you'd like to come along?), and I wanted to make myself some Mashed potato, after toiling away for what seemed like ages, the final product was ready for serving.
But wait, it seemed a little runny, I decided it'd be fine to add some flour, to thicken my meal.
Here's a tip for you, don’t put flour into Mashed potato, it tasted pretty shit, and it must have hardened in my stomach, the pain was immense, like eating cement.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 14:26, Reply)
Trawler Race in Brixham next month
Been to loads of them over the years but Brixham is the best. They buy bags and bags of Tesco Value Flour and hurl split bags of the stuff* at the people on the other trawlers whilst racing around the bay.



*They also fill up durex with water and lob that too, making the people very sticky. It looks like.......
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 14:18, Reply)
Uni catering
I lived in Halls where the food was mostly rank but thankfully served in tiny portions. Though the soup name changed daily, it all looked like regurgitated watered-down Tesco Value gruel.

Highlights included:
*Chilli and mint sausages. Not cooked properly and had the taste and consistency of Play Doh.

*Breaded fish brushed with *milk* to brown! (The assistant cook was in that day. Didn't realise you do that to plain fish, not coated).

*Chilli con carne, which if left long enough would congeal to a solid block of lard.

Lots of us chose to cook instead. Our Korean friends used to cook the most eye-wateringly smelly things with Spam and tomato sauce which alsways managed to smell like rotten veg. (It wasn't kimchi-I quite like that).

There was also a Swedish music student (guitarist) who ate Marmite with every meal for months to make his nails strong. He didn't even like it. They were a weird bunch.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 14:14, Reply)
Christmas Pud
Over microwaved Christmas Pudding rolled into balls makes an excellent dent in someone's *cough* groin.


I'm now thinking about putting them into that Welsh Rocket.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 14:14, Reply)
Weapons of destruction
I knew a Welshman once that used a bottle of coca cola with a pump and made some sort of rocket*, then went for a walk with the thing and let it off from the top of a welsh hillside.

Didn't go very far up though, but it could be used as a weapon I suppose ?



*I wish I'd paid more attention, he was a boring twunt - even stoned on home grown ganga.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 14:12, Reply)
Would a spud gun count?
Technically the food is only the ammo and not the actual weapon.
Then again, if you whittled a spud gun from a potato your spud gun would indeed be a weapon made from food (further authenticated by using potato ammo!).

I'm sure if someone bothered to do this it would make the Newsletter.

All we need now is one unemployed smoker to read this message. Nature and amateur carpentry will do the rest!

Memo to self:- Get a hobby
Memo to self:- Not whittling potato's
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 14:03, Reply)
I just had some leftover rice with some sweet & sour sauce mixed in,
with a couple of dry pieces of bread.

Not exactly horrible food, until I noticed the sauce is 2 years out of date, and should have been refrigerated. The next few hours should be interesting...
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 13:58, Reply)
sod the terrible food stuff...
I want to hear more about tonic water lasers!!!

I propose a splinter qotw where people discuss weapons made from food
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 13:56, Reply)
Rice
Why can't you get fresh rice? Why is it you can only get dried rice grains that you have to infuse with water? (Infuse with water?? I could've just said 'boil' really)

I mean the rice pretty much grows in water and yet it's only available dried.

Potato's and pasta can be had fresh. Why not rice?

Conspiracy? hmmmmmmm
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 13:54, Reply)
go on juan
what had they done?

just what?
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 13:44, Reply)
hidden surprise
i have a friend who supposedly takes pride in keeping a clean house.
she invited me round once for a cuppa and, since i was thirsty and only 5 minutes away, i agreed.
i sat amid the stench of fetid nappies and elderly, forgotten meals, and waited for my cuppa.
when it arrived, it was in a "white" mug with a huge chip out of the rim. not wanting to offend, i found a seemingly untainted area of cup-rim and took a sip.
it tasted vile, but i know she buys the cheapest tea-bags she can(her husband says he likes them), so i put the taste down to that.
we chatted away and drank our tea. i was more than halfway through when i glanced into the cup. something white was peeking at me through the tea. i waited till she went into the kitchen, then tipped some of the tea into a plant pot, so i could clearly see the offending item.
it was egg. not just a bit, a huge chunk.
i poured the rest of the tea into the plant-pot and took a closer look.
there was at least half an egg in there, mashed with butter, clinging to the sides and bottom of the cup that she obviously hadn't washed since eating her breakfast out of it.
i told her i'd got a text and had to leave immediately, then ran out of the door. as soon as i got round the corner, i threw up until my eyes watered.
needless to say, i've never eaten or drunk anything in her house since.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 13:25, Reply)
Glowing gherkins
The gherkin thing may indeed be due to sparks, but it is possible to make a laser out of tonic water. All you need is a resonant cavity (a tube with parallel mirrors at each end, one half silvered) and an excitation source, for example a flashlamp. The quinine in the tonic water will fluoresce and if you get your cavity right, will actually lase.

And if you're really careful, you can empty it into your gin and drink it afterwards!

Sorry. I'm getting way too scientific and off-topic this week.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 13:24, Reply)
Maternal madness
While she was on mat. leave, Mrs Nedson wiped a bogey off our baby daughters face, and ATE IT! I don't even eat my own...

Ewwww. I couldn't kiss her for a week after.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 13:07, Reply)
Vipros...
Here is a quick vid you might like on the whole gerkin/light/electricity story.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOiruEA4hmc

As far as I can see the electricity arcs between spaces inside the gerkin and the sparks cause the light instead of a reaction with the contents of the gerkin.

Could be wrong though. FWIW I am also a fan of Maccy D's Gerkins in the burgers. they are the food of the gods and you can even have gerkin races down the windows if you are eating with your mates.

Length? About 6" after I shoved a wire down the end and plugged it into the mains!
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 12:40, Reply)
There's a lesson to be learnt from many of these stories.
Ever wondered why in Asia they eat with chop sticks or a fork and spoon.

It goes like this: thye don't need knives as everything is cut into bite size pieces by the chef. There is a very very good reason for for this. Meat in Asia is often left unrefridgerated for days on end, sometimes sitting in the sun, a receipe for food poisoning really. Unless you cut it into slices or strips then fry it at a high tempreture in a wok, thereby ensuring that all parts of the meat reach that magical tempreture of 80c at which all known everything is killed dead.

Take say quarter of a chicken and cook it in an over or stick it under a grill, and you can never be sure of the tempreture reached in the middle of said chicken.

So students of England take note. When cooking meat that maybe considered a bit dodgy, slice it into strips a couple of milimetres thick, and jobs a good 'un.

For the on topic part. In a drunken haze, I once gave a bag lady head. She had a very scabby arse.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 12:36, Reply)
Dog food pie, anyone?
I am reputed to have baked a dog food pie for someone who upset me, who ate it with relish.

If this really happened, and I'm not admitting anything, then the greedy bastard and his equally creepy mate deserved it, after what they'd been up to.

IF I'd done such a thing. As if I would.

Baked a dog food pie, that is, in the dog's enamel food bowl, picked up unwashed from the floor, which I never got back.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 12:17, Reply)
Direct cut'n paste Re-post .. from "World's most Hated Foods". (nigh on 3 years ago)
Well.. if you can do it in photoshop comps, Why not here?

********************************

I live in Sweden.....
... and it pains me to tell you this, but I have eaten "SurStrömming".
Sprouts are like Cadbury's chocolate... and Smoked eel (eaten here at x-mas) is Yummy in comparison.

Here's how to make it.
Catch Herring.
Clean/gut Herring,
Put Herring in Salt water... and LEAVE IT OUT IN THE SUN. (wankers)
Tin the herring in special corrugated tins that can expand. (this shit FERMENTS)

One happy summers day and a swede says "Hey... have you tried Surströmming yet?"
"No" says I.
Leif happily produces a Tin that looks like a metal Football. Places it on a fencing post and hands me a rifle... "open it" says he...

A couple of shots later, and the frikking tin's lying on the ground hissing.

So... even the smell of the fetid fish-oil on the approach to the tin makes me gag... this is quite literally rotten fish and you can buy it in the supermarkets. Admittedly when eating it you back it up with shed-loads of vodka and the like, but I honestly have never tasted anything so vile in my entire life.
The purest Absolout Vodka failed to strip my pallet of the taste, and god knows, I tried again and again.

Sprouts, (though Satan's addition to x-mas), are a meal for kings when compared.

In my opinion, anything that needs to be opened at a distance with a firearm should not actually be classed as food... but hell, you have to try everything... right? RIGHT???
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 11:35, Reply)
Southampton Indian
A friend told me he'd once been at an Indian restaurant in Southampton, and on the way to the toilet (thankfully after his meal) had passed through a corridor in which was a window into the kitchen. Through the window he saw the chef scrabbling around on the floor, scooping cooked rice back into a pan, it having been dropped.

He was appalled and next day contacted the environmental health department. They visited the restaurant but because the incident was not occurring when the inspector was there, and the kitchen seemed otherwise OK, there was nothing they could do.

However, the restaurant did take steps to avoid this sort of thing happening again.

They boarded up the window!
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 11:22, Reply)
I spent my 21st birthday
in France with my family. Very nice place called Colmar which is nearish to Germany and was actually owned by the Nazeyes at one point I think.
Anyway, the night before I had rather a lot to drink and so was still feeling a bit dodgy when it came to dinner time. My nice new french auntie served up two starters. the first was a grotesque layered thing with crepe, cream cheese, pesto and smoked salmon thing. These things dont usually turn my stomach, but the texture of it was like cold ready chewed bread. I thought I was going to chuck after the first mouthful and there was a ridiculous amount of this crepe thing. My sister wisely declined but I fought on and managed to get it all down.

Then came the second appetiser. Raw mince with onions in it. As soon as i got a forkful in my mouth, I excused myself, puked in my mouth as I entered the bathroom, calmly removed my nice white shirt, and violently spewed into the toilet.

After having a brief clean up, I returned and heartily enjoyed the main course of rare-cooked duck.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 11:20, Reply)
chicken
I've had severe diarrhea for the last 4 days.


Last time I cook 4 day old, unrefridgerated chicken...
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 11:20, Reply)
Cats
Similar to rachelswipe's Uxbridge story.... I had the pleasure of living in Hayes End, just up the road from the centre of Uxbridge. According to the local paper, the reason why the area was free from felines was due to one of the take-aways on the Uxbridge Road...... legend had it that remnants of an Alsation had also been found at this quality establishment.....

Southern Fried Rover anyone?
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 11:11, Reply)
so
i was walking back to my car the other day, parked near a popular chinese restaurant in uxbridge, which in turn is worryingly near my office given what i witnessed.

as i went past the back door of the restaurant, two of the young chinese chefs were "coaxing" three fat and stupid pigeons through the door with their feet.

hmmmm. and it's an all-you-can-eat buffet. featuring "duck" spring rolls.......

ah well, frankly noone who lives in uxbridge/slough/hillingdon/bracknell/staines etc etc would even notice, it's a step up from rats i guess!
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 10:56, Reply)
Germany
Went to Germany about three years ago,just for a weekend we stayed in Berlin, see the sights etc.
The whole time we were there all we ate was authentic German food, thats right,fried mushrooms and potatoes, dodgy looking sausages off the street,weird fried fish things..but i digress.

On the last night we said,ok enough of this german crap lets get some real food. Went to s nice looking place called andy's bar and grill.

Oooh this burger looks good....

I spent literally the whole night on the hotel jacks shooting stomach juices (that was all that was left), then we had to go on a plane, (whose toilet i clogged) and eventually we got back to Dublin (where i could spend time on my own jacks)

I think it's funny that it was the 'real' food that gave me the upset and not all that dodgy foreign stuff.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 10:55, Reply)
Poland..
..Cow stomach soup, feeling the lining go down your throat, after a session with a load of Poles. Hmmmmmmmm.

Euuuurrrggghhhhh might be a more accurate representation of the sound I made three and a half minutes after trying some. It was a waste of all the lovely vodka I'd sunk
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 10:47, Reply)
er, not the worst but not the best
a summer as a student; oh balmy halcyon days....to digress further, there was a(nother)party that surprisingly left 6 bottles of babycham behind. Babycham goes well with cornflakes & you don't have to buy milk for 6 whole days & the day goes better too for reasons involving the slight buzz & fuck all to do all day except wear stripy pajamas in feeble attempts to out (un)dress fellow students also with fuck all else better to do than wear nightwear from oxfam (I bought mine cheaper than you did etc.) and eat shit meals...ooo er back on topic!
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 10:26, Reply)
Concealed meat
I had been off work sick with flu for a few days, and naturally was off my food. Suddenly one day I got an attack of hunger. I needed food and I needed it fast.

Still laying down on my sick bed milking my sickness for all it's worth, the mister cooks me up a delicious meal of chips, beans and breaded chicken. Yum yum I thought.

I had almost finished the chicken, and I noticed that the breadcrumbs around the chicken were soggy... COULD have been the bean juice, but I needed to investigate as on closer inspection I could now see a 20 pence sized lump protruding from the last few mouthfuls of chicken. Naturally I needed to investigate.

Stabbing it with with my fork a shit load of grey/yellow liquid oozed out and onto my plate. The infamous chicken cyst had made it's way onto my dinner plate.

You never think that it will happen to you.

Safe to say, I have never eaten chicken or anything in breadcrumbs/pastry since.

Please be gentle, it's my first time *pop*
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 10:14, Reply)
Gherkins again
totally off topic, but I just found this on wikipedia


Running an electrical current through a gherkin will cause it to glow like a fluorescent light

how can anyone not like them when they can do that?
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 9:40, Reply)
Another hospital food story.
Many moons ago I worked for a meal packing factory that had the contract to provide ready made meals to Bristol hospitals and BA. When cooked meat went into the freezers to be chilled they had to be below a certain temperature to be skanky bacteria proof. Due to demand the thermometer result was often put down as correct when it was actually several degrees higher. I'm sure some poor bastards were more ill after eating some of that shit than they were before going in to hospital. Still, we never had a complaint for late deliveries!
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 8:51, Reply)

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