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This is a question Terrible food

Back when I was a student, we had a "clear out the fridge" party. Everyone brought what they had left and the idea was to make a big meal out of it.

The stew/casserole/whatever was going surprisingly well until someone added the tin of mackerel in tomato sauce they'd been hoarding all year.

What's the worst thing you've ever cooked or eaten? Who's the worst cook you've encountered?

[and yes, we've asked this before, but way, way back before we had the fancy QOTW pages]

(, Thu 17 May 2007, 10:23)
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This question is now closed.

Just remembered
Nobody's mentioned the Korean delicacy of kimchi yet (well, maybe they have, but I didn't notice it).

It's made from vegetable matter, traditionally Chinese cabbage, but anything will do, pickled in brine for a week. The green salty sludge is fished out and laid in strips in an earthenware pot, and spices, garlic or whatever are added. Then the pot is sealed and buried in the garden for six months. (I dare say it's not made like this nowadays, but the principle's the same).

After this time, it's dug up and the contents are eaten. It has quite a unique flavour, and is surprisingly palatable at first taste. But the Koreans have this at every meal, so after a week it becomes gradually less enjoyable, and in fact I started to actively dislike it after about 4 days.

I was in Korea for a bit last year. One night we went to an Italian restaurant. Never has calzone tasted so good.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 8:43, Reply)
Custard and coco pops
Went on holidays with a friend to a small beach community several hours north of Perth called Coral Bay. This place is flocked to every summer by hundreds of 14 year olds who sleep in tents as there are basically no houses asside from those on the only street in the area; in which my friend and I had been lucky enough to stay.

Being atleast 2 years older than almost the entire population of the area which at that age makes quite a difference meant that it was hard to find people to hang out with. They tended to stick to their insular little groups, however we found a common passion amongst both our age groups; weed. I hadn't really tried alot of the stuff at the time only brief experiments and I think the same was true of my friend. One night we snuck back to the house around 1 am and I was complaining about how the weed hadn't seemed to work until suddenly I was really REALLY hungry, and this fact along with everything else around me was really REALLY funny.

So in this state we came up with the greatest culinary delight ever conceived by man, it was going to a taste sensation talked about for years, as it happened - it was. In the cupboard of this place, which is left uninhabitated for half the year; there were some coco-pops and in the fridge, a bottle of ready-made custard, magic!

Tucking into the delcious conconction we grinned at each other giggling at our genius. Not quite getting the full effect of the flavour I had been expecting, I began taking bigger mouthfuls, it was pretty good but still there was something about it that just wasn't quite like I expeceted. So, bigger mouthfuls still, more giggling and smug grinning (twas a fabulous idea) not a word spoken amongst gobbling. Finally the flavour came through fully, it took a few more bites after I discovered that it tasted foul before I decided to stop eating it. The giggling stopped, we both realised at about approximately the same time that this wasn't right, I believe I asked something along the lines of "does your's taste funny too?" before the aftertaste kicked in and I knew for certain the custard had definitely gone bad.

I was in flavour hell, in my head I screamed to Bhudda, Yahweh, Jesus ANYONE, make the tasting STOP! When it finally did, there was still the residual psychological effect of feeling like one was tasting it for days after. For some reason also, I was certain that it tasted like themaldahyde, I've never tasted the stuff before but at the time I seemed quite certain that's what it tasted like. Rancid custard and coco-pops, don't believe the hype kids.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 8:04, Reply)

Bad coincidence ... just spent most of yesterday afternoon "driving the porcelain bus".
The cause? Well, I'm fairly slack when it comes to cleaning out my fridge (today, I found a couple of things up the back from the previous teacher, who moved last August..)
However, I thought I was safe when I ate some yoghurt yesterday.
Yoghurt is kinda like mould anyway, right?
Thought it had only been in there for a couple of weeks, tasted fine, nice lumps of (I hope)fruit in it ... checked the tub this morning, it had a use-by date from September last year!
Maybe smoking has dulled my senses of taste & smell, but I honestly didn't think it was that bad ...

Also, my best mate spent most of Monday night singing to the drains, after we ate at a teppenyaki place - the rookie chef cooked chicken, beef, pork, crab-stuffed mushrooms and salmon on the same grill, at the same time ... and didn't seem too good at cleaning the grill afterwards. Bleurgh!
Well, this is China ... one of the places we usually eat at has live rats running around sometimes ... makes me wonder about the true ingredients of our "chicken" dishes.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 8:01, Reply)
I'm going to get it all out in one post...
I like nothing better than when i come home from work to have a few toasted sandwiches, my 2 favourites have to be...

Peanut butter and Syrup
Peanut butter and Lemon Curd

Also, i like Garlic Bread (from the pizza place) with cheese and Chicken, and some Garlic Mayo to dip it in!

I hav had a "clear out the cupboards" party and it went surpisingly well, Mashed potatoes with bacon and ketchup followed by microwave pop corn!

I've eaten shark steak in South Africa (rubbery and quite tart) and Hundred Year Old Eggs in China (absolutely rank, taste like ammonia)

One time while camping, some idiot put washing up liquid on the inside of the pan, instead of the outside (to stop it getting black marks from the fire) and so everything we ate that night tasted like soap.

I'm sure theres much worse out there but this is the best i can do for now, i'm only young.

/edit - Vegetarians are excusable to a certain degree but anything in the extreme is ridiculous, like refusing to wear a shoe that contains leather. People like that should be lined up and shot. and i like McDonalds gherkins.

Click "i like this" if you think half the adventurous "i was abroad" stories, fussy eaters, dodgy greasy spoon cafe customers on here have just brought it upon themselves.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 7:52, Reply)
Meaty bites in red sauce
A couple I shared a house with near Sydney Uni for a year would fill various QOTW on a weekly basis (housemates from hell, psychos I’ve know, unwanted sexual advances, etc.)
She was the worst imaginable cook – the best thing she made was the phone call to Pizza Hut. He was a nasty drunk.
Her mince with pasta (not spag bol - that would suggest more ingredients) was legendary – 500g of frozen hamburger-grade mince dropped into a pot set on super high, one tin of tomatoes and - if you were lucky - one small onion. (No garlic, capsicum, mushrooms, celery, spices or everything else that contribute a modicum of flavour.)
After five minutes, the frozen block was attacked vigorously with a wooden spoon to break it into smaller chunks and the pasta was tossed into the single pot.
Result: dry and soggy pasta floating in watery red sauce of burnt and raw meat chunks with - if you were lucky - small onion pieces.
In addition to this culinary genius was the dog - a poor, sweet-natured thing that had the upper half and desires of a cattle dog and the legs of a sausage dog. It dearly wanted to run and herd sheep but flip arse over tit as it tried to negotiate corners.
I took pity on the dog and once asked the butcher for some bones to supplement its diet of dried biscuits and pate-like dog food. The butcher had something he called “meaty bites” – cubes of off-cut fat with streaks of meat.
I bought a bag of this perfect doggy treat and placed in the fridge.
One night I came home and she had prepared the “meaty bites” in her faux spag bol style.
It was a grayish-red glue.
“Have you eaten?” she asked me as hubby tucked into a bowl.
“Errr … yes. I had some FOOD earlier,” I emphasized as I excused myself into my bedroom.
As I left the room, hubby had finished his bowl: “This is lovely, darling. Can I have some more?”
I barely made it into my room before doubling over in schadenfreudic laughter.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 6:14, Reply)
Ulcer Cakes
When I was about 8 I remember coming up with this fantastic idea, based on the following principles:

a. I had a mouth ulcer. It hurt lots.

b. My mother had told me that bicarbonate of soda "heals" mouth ulcers.

c. Bicarbonate of Soda tastes rank.

d. Cakes taste nice.

e. Cakes baked with Bicarbonate of Soda would both taste nice and heal mouth ulcers.

So I set about my task to bake my famous "Ulcer Cakes" which would be a revolution in Kids oral health, I would make fairy cakes and replace the baking powder for bicarbonate of soda, since they were both white powders to me they would be interchangable!

For added strength, I would double the amount of power used.


An hour later my mother removes the cakes from the oven and I anxiously try my miracle cure.

I take a cake, put it in my mouth and chew on it for a while, before realising that rather than tasting sweet as I had expected it to,
it did in fact taste like my mouth had come to the end of a rather long and intense vomiting session and was still covered in bile.

Didn't stop me from insisting that everybody else in the house try one,
I can still picture the grimaces on their faces to this day...
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 1:50, Reply)
Technically not food but it still goes in your mouth...
When I was about seven years old, I was brushing my teeth one morning. "Oooh", I thought. "New red toothpaste. I'll have a go at that."

My Mum's hair dye.

Yep, residual red teeth in school that day...
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 1:46, Reply)
Left over cold Chicken
Nothing special, after christmas, i was a fussy as fuck eater as a kid. Thats changed now, human dustbin me. Anyway I liked chicken and me old Granny went and got me some out of the fridge to eat instead of the lovely spread she had spent all day making for my massive family (god I hate kid me). So I tucks in, but for some reason the cold chicken and my throat decided to not let it stay down. I was sick all over the place.

Length? Hit the curtains, so a good 6 feet.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 0:48, Reply)
Eating at your Grandparents
I go to my Grans for dinner every other Sunday. There's one time that stood out for me. It wasn't the food I objected to, but when I found a grey curly hair sitting in the middle of my Yorkshire pudding.

Since my Grandma's quite old there's no way I could say "I'm not eating that Gran cos there's one of your pubes nestling in it" plus I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so instead I drew her attention towards the television and when she wasn't looking I swapped my Yorkshire for hers.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 0:14, Reply)
Indian Food
Don't know if I've posted this, but I'll say it again anyway.

I'm up just now as I can't sleep - I've had sufficient drink to make me tired, but I had Indian food earlier, while nice is now repeating on me horribly.

I digress.

What I want to know is how Indian Restaraunts get food that red - I mean what e Numbers are we talking here? All of them? Some new fangled ones that are exclusive to such establishments?? I wish I knew because food aint supposed to be that red....

It's not right and now I'm not feeling that well......
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 0:12, Reply)
I had a hankering for some rice krispie cakes
I had a rather large box of rice krispies, so I was halfway there. Unfortunately I had no chocolate to melt over it. No worries, still feel like the krispies. Hmm. No milk either.

I still couldn't think of anything that I wanted that wasn't krispie based, so I started checking through the cupboards for something suitable to eat them with.

Success! A bottle of chocolate flavour sauce. Now I had the best of both worlds; the chocolatey flavour of krispie cakes, but the spoonable bowlful like krispies with milk.

For the first three or so mouthfuls this is absolutely delicious. Then immediately after that it gets sickly and when combined with the almost-but-not-quite-real-chocolate flavour sauce and losing the will to chew properly it begins to taste like some sort of lumpy, chocolatey mucus.

I would not recommend it.
(, Wed 23 May 2007, 0:05, Reply)
french man's skin
On holiday with school I was happily drinking my water when I saw the owner carrying a fresh jug to the table. I also saw he had horribly puffy hands, so inflated they were red and shiny and looked like they were about to burst. In fact they may have been bursting as the skin was falling off in flakes big enough to see from several metres away, dropping into the water.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 23:39, Reply)
Vipros
Gherkins are cucumbers you muppet.

When I was a kid I never wiped my arse after breaking of a brown one. Then I used to pick it and eat it in bed.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 23:17, Reply)
I love it
but people usually get a little grossed out when I eat pizza with salad cream.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with it, everyone else does for some reason though
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 23:16, Reply)
never again
easter, a while ago, my mum had got her hands on a fair few cadbury's creme eggs. I used to hate these things, but since they got smaller, they got less sickly. Anyhoo, I used to love them when they were just about melting, so I decided to try microwaving one.

never again. It exploded pretty much, and what was left tasted like rubbery shit.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 22:31, Reply)
cub camp
Cub Camp - 50 under-tens, let off the leash in a feral car crash of outdoors mayhem.

Cubs was great. Food at cub camp usually consisted of a fuckoff huge vat of whatever the hell Akela decided to render down to a soup. But we didn't care - 8 hour days of running about like twats playing the most extravegant game of war running over two weeks with intricate tactics, huge bases built from fallen trees and various pretend-combat related fun meant we always had the most voracious appetite, and would eat anything.

Except one day. Akeala came out with a steaming huge billy of...brown. That's what it was, it was brown. A big steaming billy of brown.

There was a moments hesitation at the sight of a bowl of delicious brown, but we all pile it down.

Within 10minute there were 50 cubs all in various stages of diareoehh, stomach cramps and vomit. This, over a 24 hour period is a truly technicolour sight to behold.

Now, my mum WAS Akela, and many years later she told me what had actually happened.

She and the other scout leader had brewed up an awesome stew of various herbs and spices, but in the process of lifting it off the stove in the site kitchen, had dropped it. And spilt it all over the filthy, floor, coated with two weeks worth of dirt traiped in my all us cubs. Not having any alternative food for the screaming hordes outside the door, they decided to scrape it all back into the billy, and then - to kill any nastiness in there - boil the fuck out of it for 25minutes.

Which the cubs then all ate.

It's not surprising that now I very rarely get a stomach upset, having been immunised at cub camp.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 22:24, Reply)
That reminds me..
I used to work at this little cafe in my town run by a 75-yr old deaf woman. The food was questionable. At best.

One Saturday, a snooty couple complained that the Cauliflower Cheese was off. I rolled my eyes, gave them a discount and declared that there was absolutely nothing wrong it. I proceeded to have it for my lunch just to prove it.

I realised I was wrong 6 or 7 hours later when I was slumped over the toilet making very unladylike noises. My mum asked if I had 'eaten anything funny...'

I later found out that the dish in question had been a week and a half old. Still, it took several similar incidents to make me quite that job and move on to somewhere that paid attention to little things like health and safety.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 22:18, Reply)
not so much terrible, just sort of mistaken...
My friend is very riteous...you know the sort.... vegetarian, liberatarian, feminist, pacifist...she's basically all the latte-sipping, Guardian reading 'arians' and 'ists' that there are. Vegetarianism is a big one though.

Until it stopped being funny I constantly used to ask her 'if we aren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat...?' (she never COULD answer that one)

ANYWAY. We were in town one saturday several years ago and decided it was lunchtime and so went to the bakery. I, for a sausage roll and her for a 'farmhouse pasty', which she presumed was vegetarian. It wasn't.

I let her eat about half of it before I gently broke the news. This prompted fake gagging on her part and supressed laughter on mine. She didnt speak to me for a few days. Terrible food for her, a good laugh for me. Fair deal? I thought so.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 22:13, Reply)
Yellow and pink
I had the gross misfortune to work in Bulgaria for a while. Whilst I am the last person to insult a great nation, I found them to be complete strangers to the truth, work ethic or basic human decency. However,their food in general was superb, as was the (incredibly cheap)wine, which makes the following all the more galling.
I was escorting a party from a VERY big european car manufacturer round some potential manufacturing suppliers when I was taken a bit peckish. We adjourned to a roadside cafe whereupon I ordered a cheese and ham sandwich. Now, as a red-blooded Englishman, I expect my cheese to have flavour, my ham to be a slice from a pig and my sandwich to have two pieces of bread. The Bulgarian idea of a ham and cheese sandwich was apparently to put one slice of bread, a slice of a pink pork residue sausage thing and a three inch thick slice of yellow (?) under a grill until runny.What was served was an oozing pus-like yellow mess on a grease-swimming plate. Not wishing to appear churlish, I attempted to cut the pus monster. That's when it spat a lump of lukewarm grease straight into my open mouth.

I vomited immediately and spectacularly over the (immaculately dressed) chief buyer for the aforementioned car company. They still used us as a supplier after that.
Which was nice.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 21:27, Reply)
Veggie slagging
Why does everyone get so worked up about other people eating what they chose? It just seems a bit stupid. I couldn't give a flying fuck if you ate metal, so why is everyone getting worked up about people chosing vegetables over meat? I'm not seeing it.

Food is about tasting good and filling us up right, so what does it matter what people eat so long as it makes them happy?

Two other comments- veggie haggis is fucking delicious. Even more so than it's real meaty version which I ate before I became a veggie. It also lets me enjoy things that now I could not, and take part in Burns night, which makes me happy. So why is this a bad thing?

And pretend meat- we don't make it. It's the supermarkets idea to try and sell it to us. And yes, all the vegetarians I know think it's stupid too. Why not just sell it for what it is, rather than shapping it as something else? I'm awaiting the fake fish. That'll be a sight to see.

On topic, my dad has a knack for bbqing the real way. In other words, turning everything to charcoal so good you could use it for art. However he also has an amazing ability to make this charcoal delicious. I must find his secret one day.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 21:20, Reply)
Hospital food (again, probably)
Worst thing I've ever eaten?
That'd be the little pellet of bog roll found during a meal "at the Y" the other night....

Worst cook?
Whoever used to prep the meals at the hospital I worked at a few years ago, Mixed grill consisted of two mushrooms; a half frozen/half burnt sausage; a sthick strip of fat with a scrap of bacon on it (if you were lucky) and half a beefburger.

People used to get better just to avoid the food...
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 20:46, Reply)
The Lasagne from Hell
Worst ever: We had some leftover salmon and the wife decided to make some lasagne. She reasoned that the two would go well together. (No, I don't know what drugs she was taking, as a matter of fact.) In fifteen years of marriage, that's the only time I was certain that she was trying to kill me by poisoning my food.

Nevertheless, I kept a poker face and managed to choke down a couple of bites. She sat down with a pleasant smile and took a bite. She looked at me with an expression of horror on her face. It was reflected in my own face...

We ordered out for pizza and never spoke of it again. *shudder*

(w00t!! B3ta cherry busted!!)
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 20:43, Reply)
Bloody tuna
When I was about 9, I had packed lunch at junior school. One of my favourite sandwiches was tuna and diced cucumber.

One day, I bit into one of these sandwiches, and thought it tasted a little off. I looked at it, and saw this sizeable chunk of tuna (my mum usually mashed it up with mayonnaise) with shiny red pinpricks in, like bloodspots. I never willingly ate tuna again.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 20:39, Reply)
[insert fingers in throat]
Once I had something entirely mundane ... I may have been abroad at the time ... anyway ... the ingredients were nothing particularly out of the ordinary and the method of cooking was run of the mill. But I didn't really like it. Did I mention I was probably abroad or something? If I were prone to exaggerate I'd perhaps say that it made me vomit ... to be honest I just didn't really like it. I don't know whether that's down to the fact that I was abroad, or simply because I'm something of a whining nancy when it comes to food. I'm probably a vegetarian and accidentally ate some horse or something. While abroad. I'd like to have a proper eating disorder but I'm not quite cool enough so basically I'm just a fussy cunt.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 20:37, Reply)
NHS cuisine
About four years ago I was admitted to hospital with a serious kidney infection. I was pissing blood clots the size of peas and was in the worst pain I have ever known. In short, it was a testing time. For the first five days, I was hooked up to a drip and was receiving a veritable cocktail of intravenous painkilliers every couple of hours. I couldn't eat or drink or move, as it made me phsically sick. I didn't think it could get any worse, until I was faced with NHS cuisine. I'd eaten nothing at all for five days and was told that unless I started to eat, I wouldn't be going home. For the next three days I managed a slice of the mankiest Tesco value style toast before begging the nurses to let me go home. I bargained with them and they promised me that I could go home if I could eat a full breakfast the following day. It was a mess of lukewarm watery scrambled egg and baked bean juice with about 2 beans in it, some floppy toast and a bowl of porridge that looked like it was made in the war. I forced the entire lot down me and kept it down for a full 20 minutes, which was just long enough to vomit in the carpark shrubbery before being bundled into the getaway car. The worst bit is the shocking amount of national insurance I seemed to be paying, surely a few croissants and a some nice filter coffee shouldn't have been out of the question! Boo NHS.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 20:37, Reply)
yum
I've just finished eating a coleslaw and pasta sauce sarnie. I thought it was lovely but my boyfriend thought it sounded horrible.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 20:34, Reply)
The tiniest green chillies!
When I was in my teens, I went to Indonesia to visit my Dad who lived there at the time. He worked at this posh golfing development and we had lunch at the restaurant there.

Smartarse that I was noticed a small bowl of green chillies and whilst bragging about how I liked spicy food and could handle anything; I hadn't spotted my Dad and step-mum's horror on their faces as I piled yet more chillies into my nazi-gorang.

Well, I looked like one of the cartoons of Popeye or something similar- my face went beetroot-red and I honestly though steam would come out of my ears. My brother nearly fell off his chair from laughing whilst I downed the entire jug of water the milk and everybody else’s drink on table.

The whole bloody restaurant including staff found it hysterical and my brother still regular brings up this little tale every time I see him. Ta Aaron!
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 20:27, Reply)
Noix de pétoncles
I (unfortunately) lived in the not so beautiful city of Strasbourg as a student a few years ago. It was a horrendously expensive and unbelievably miserable seven months. Thankfully this abject misery was was occasionally punctuated by dinner at the delightfully named "flunch", which was like the bastard son of little chef and wimpy, but was about the only place I could afford to eat. I wasn't so hot on the delicate nuances of the French language with regard to food vocab, so I relied largely on my ability to see and smell. One day, feeling adventurous on my long-overdue visit to flunch, I thought I'd really go to town and give the specials board a once over. I decided on the noix de pétoncles au vin. It turned out to be a mixed of very fishy spongy nuggets and some sort of leathery flesh in a viscous sauce that smelled decidedly "special". I managed one small mouthful, but the second the taste and texture of the second was so bad that I vomited down my nose on my way to the toilet and had to leave the restaurant as soon as I emerged. That was was the last time I visited flunch, and upon conducting some basic research I found out that it was a hideously over-cooked mix of horse steak, scallops and wine. I'll be giving that one a wide berth in the future.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 20:15, Reply)
Cat biscuits
When I was around 3 years old, I used to have this habit of getting up at about 5am, when my parents were obviously still in bed, and raid all the cupbaords and fridge of food.

One time, I was going through the cupboard under the sink, and I found what I thought was a box of Cheerios. So I ate some, then realised it was cat food.

Feeling miffed, I went into the living room to watch tv. My cat came over and started licking my mouth.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 19:31, Reply)
Well food has never really made me sick, but...
My mother came damn close. She made some abiguous brown stew that smelt and tasted as bad as it looked. It didn't help that this slop reminded me vividly of the first time I ever saw a port-a-loo. Let's just say that it put me of puplic toilets FOR LIFE! I finished about half of the stew before it almost came back up again. I didn't feel quite right for a couple of hours.

Once when I had a mild case of food poisoning I had just about got my appetite back. I started slowly by just having noodle soup and a bit of bread. I was fine for a quite a while and was happy to be back on the mend. A few hours later I felt...strange. I leant over the side of the sofa just as a raging stream of creamy, brown vomit came thundering out of my mouth not unlike Linda Blair's puke in the Exorxist. I laugh about it now but at the time it wasn't very pleasent to see my dinner flying 5ft away from my face.

My final story concerns a holiday many years ago. I was staying with my Grandparents on a little speck of an island called Ascension. The island was under American control, therefore all the shops were filled with American items. This meant the food was rather sugary*. My Gran served an apple crumble for desert but it was so full of sugar I couldn't handle more than a few spoonfuls. "Is this American?" I asked,
"No, why?"
"Because it's way too sugary. It tastes terrible".
At this point my Gran's face dropped and I learned that she had in fact made it herself. Instead of just brushing it off as one of those 'kids say the dumbest shit' moments, she hit me with this one-liner, "Might as well throw myself off the pier". Way to go Grandma, make the 7 year old feel bad by threatening suicide. To top it off she's a born-again Christian. She hasn't done anything like that since but I still haven't forgiven her.

I think I'm the only person so far to simultaneously recieve shit food AND a death threat....

* A gross understatement.
(, Tue 22 May 2007, 18:00, Reply)

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