Ignoring all the X-Factor manufactured "bands"...
I'll have to go for The Lighthouse Family. Not only is their stuff like aural wallpaper musically, the guy's voice could be used to stupefy enemy troops before a major offensive, it's so whiny and boring. The sad thing is that bland sells and they won't give a toss what I think, sipping pina coladas on their private island of groupie nymphomaniacs.
(rogerzilla, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 18:26, 5 replies)

Dead Kennedys
for a doing a song called "Let's lynch the landlord". OK, they might not always provide a working washing machine but it's not as if a landlord has ever strangled a tennant or anything.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 18:25, 5 replies)

In Guildford a few years ago
My band have been going quite a while now, and whilst gigging up and down the country obviously we've played with a great deal of other local bands. Some have been genuinely excellent, some laughably terrible, most somewhere in between.

I think probably the worst was in a pub in Guildford. When they were setting up I noticed they had a fellow sax-player, so naturally I got chatting to him. It didn't take long for him to drop into the conversation that he sometimes found he didn't fit in well with the rest of the band, beacuse, sadly 'you can't tune a saxophone mate'.

When I got my saxophone, the first thing I learned was how to put it together. Then I learned how to make a noise through it. Certainly within the first half hour of owning the thing, the subject of tuning arose. In fact, compared to something like a guitar, tuning a saxophone is laughably easy assuming you have at least one ear and a hand, or reasonable facsimile of one.

Qutie how this chap thought he could play a gig on an instrument he not only couldn't tune, but DIDN'T BELIEVE EVEN COULD BE TUNED, quite frankly eluded me and when the time came around for their set, my breath was a few orders of magnitude less than bated.

What ensued I will never forget. It didn't matter that the saxophone player wasn't in tune, neither was anyone else. The drummer, clearly upset he couldn't compete with the rest of them for discord, made up for it by being twice as much out of time. They were bad, and while my initial instinct was to laugh, I ended up filled more with pity. Either they were so deadpan as to make Flight of the Conchords look like giggling schoolgirls, or they genuinely thought they were making good music.

I generally try not to slag off any bands we play with, goodness out first year or so resulted in some sounds that can only really be described as embarrassing, and anyone willing to get up on stage and risk looking like an idiot to create something that they hope will make people happy deserves encouragement. But in this case, I will make an exception. You shouldn't be performing if you don't even understand even one of the one fundamentals of music. How can you expect people to keep going to gigs if they have to put up with rubbish like that?
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 18:23, Reply)

Rubber
They always seem to be splitting.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 18:10, Reply)

The Eagles
Their bland prosaic style is just utterly snoreworthy

They have only one good song, Hotel California, and that's only good because it's lyrics fit their style innately, whereas something like 'life in the fast lane' sounds so drab and boring that should be called 'life at walking pace'. So much potential in that song. It really needs a metal version.
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 18:05, 7 replies)

Pendulum
I will elaborate later, though surely it is self-evident.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:54, Reply)

I would have to say Medium Wave
Theres never anything good on there
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:52, Reply)

Dujour
for not being real :(

www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwykvrwvWW4
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:46, Reply)

The lighthouse family
One minute you are throwing the radio at the wall full force because they are invading your audio space
the next you have succumb to the bands hateful hypnotic vibe and are humming or worst yet singing one of their tunes whilst taking a shit five minutes later....
(Cov Boy, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:36, 1 reply)

Chimney Factory
www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2259237889
( the RAND corporation a.k.a. Kevin Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:30, Reply)

I saw a band called Roche and the Sarnos, or something like that, at one on the Hammersmith venues that aren't there anymore.
All I really remember is that the lead 'singer' was on stage wearing nothing but a homemade pair of underpants. Homemade from cling film. They weren't great
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:27, Reply)

All groups that are very proud of themselves for no discernible reason
There are two types of group that make me want to thump passing midgets with mallets:

- the actively bad ones, like Linkin Park and Nickelback, where it's obvious what they're trying to do but they fail so hard at it that it makes your teeth ache; and

- the ones who manage to become famous despite a total lack of originality, inspiration, songwriting talent or personality, like The Police, Coldplay, M People (once memorably described as music for people who don't like music) and all X Factor circus freaks, whose every song is exactly the same and who are so bland, they barely make ripples in the audible spectrum.

If music were commercialised based on the actual skill involved in writing it, rather than based on how rich the record companies are, no-one would have ever heard of these people. The bland has, however, become the mainstream and the yardstick.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:20, 4 replies)

Gregory Isaacs, Guru, Captain Beefheart, Mick Green, Sugar Minott and Solomon Burke
for all having the fucking nerve to die on me in the past 12 months.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:19, 2 replies)

Pretty much anything that has been ejaculated from Cowell's world
X-factor , Pop idol... They can all die in a fire.

Also: Any whining emo/screamo shit-faced fucking twatbags of the last five years, and 95% of all pop music artists of the last ten. They can go choke on their auto-tuners. The cunts.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:16, Reply)

In recent times, Mike Posner, I mean
I just wanna take a fucking CHAINSAW to the radio every time I hear this crap
(Stashie is plotting against his blender on, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:15, 2 replies)

Act's support act
I've not got anything against a well chosen support act, in fact back in the 90s became a huge fan of a few obscure bands through excellent support slots (Sheep on Drugs supporting Nitzer Ebb, and later on, Cubanate supporting Sheep on Drugs), but occasionally there's one that goes horribly wrong, not just in an 'out of tune' sense (although a lot were) but in a 'anyone who likes the main act will despise this sort of thing' way.

Back in the pretentious tail end of the 1980s, I was obsessed with the ZTT record label. They snared me through Frankie Goes to Hollywood and drew me into a fascinating world of obscure remixes, each more up it's own arse than the previous one. I became a conniseur of production techniques, and spent every spare moment seeking out obscure 12"s for the slightest variation on a remix theme. Over the years ZTT lost the plot, (spending £600,000 on production for Frankie's 2nd album, for example) but I went right along with them, loving the high tech synthetic sounds, the nietzsche quotes on the sleeves, the glamour. The absolute peak of this was a record so overproduced and so far up it's own backside that it could make grown men shudder - "Snobbery and Decay" by Act. I absolutely loved Act in the way that only a teenage boy who fancies himself and an intellectual outcast can, and I went to see them live to marvel at the musicianship and technology that would appear on stage, and when they came on, they were of course, absolutely mindblowingly good. I went away convinced that I'd just seen the best musical performance ever.

Of course, I had to sit through the support act first. Who could possibly support the most pretentious and technologically advanced band on the planet? Surely something willfully obscure, foreign and mysterious, like their modren classical labelmate Andrew Poppy, or enigmatic chantreuse Anne Pigalle, both of whom had supported Act's singer when she was in Propaganda a few years before?

No, what we got was an hour of some idiotically grinning cheesy folk-singing twats that the audience clearly couldn't wait to be shot of. A band so low tech that they actually had an accordion player! They played insipid nursery rhyme folk music for an hour, each track worse than the last, gradually losing any shred of folk authenticity and class with each new song. Worst of all, they simply would not go away when they were done, they kept on restarting the last song for another round of it's insipid chorus, even though it obviously didn't work lyrically (the word "Be" simply doesn't have 8 syllables, you imbeciles!). They eventually got off stage to a round of indifference from the assembled crowd, and some booing from me.

Fast forward a few weeks and the ZTT label collapsed, Act were dropped, and as for that godawful support act with their horrble nursery rhyme that kept restarting, and wailing singer who looked like a ginger Su Pollard? Here they are at number 1 in the charts: www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzMR_SIqyGQ&feature=related
( Andy_R At the third stroke, the time will be precisely, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:13, 3 replies)

Lost Prophets
Fuck Them... Only band I have ever thrown stuff at until they fucked off from the stage and let a decent band take over..

They are the most awful bunch of talentless welsh pricks since the Manic Street Preachers... (hate them too, maybe its just welsh wankers I hate... Hmmmm.)
(Azrael316 Fiss Plaps, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:10, 1 reply)

There's a some bands I don't like.....true story

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:10, 2 replies)

Coldplay
Can't stand them. When I hear them I imagine a 40's something’s poncey dinner party and the host says "darling put the new album I bought you? You know the one the real hip one”, to try and show their friends how with the times they are.

Utter drivel.
(Headsbollockskuntz, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:06, 8 replies)

Sailor...
...('70s band who had chart-hits with "A Glass of Champagne" and "Girls Girls Girls" and who I was unfortunate enough to see when they were the support act for Cockney Rebel - which shows how old I am, but I digress...)

Their act seemed to consist of, "This is a song about getting drunk"... "This is a song about prostitutes"... "This is a song about the red-light district of Hamburg"... "This is a song about getting drunk, with prostitutes, in the red-light district of Hamburg"....
You get the drift?

Not only were they singularly unimaginative in their choice of subject matter, they were musically piss-poor as well.

All in all, about as entertaining as diarrhoea on a trampoline.
(minimalist ..., Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:05, 1 reply)

Face the Music (names retained to protect nobody)
At the ridiculous age of 17, we decided to form a college band which would cover ELO tracks. We would be called 'Face The Music' as everybody knows that the best name for a band is the title of an album by the band you intend to cover.

So, I was on keyboard (well piano because we were in the music room), Ray on rhythm guitar, Adam on lead, Dave on Drums, and Steve on vocals. Adam quickly worked out the chords for Mr Blue Sky, and me and Ray had a quick practice to get the timing right. Then we all practiced properly.
We were shit. The audio equivalent of a sewage outfall pipe that doesn't quite reach low tide. The drums, albeit muffled, were still too loud, Adam had to play bass on a lead guitar, and lack of cello notwithstanding, he also had to play the string section. I couldn't get the timing right and everyone finished before me. And as for Steve, he knew all the words, and even carried a tune, but his voice was, well, uninspiring. He didn't sound nasal, or whiny, but he sounded like he was complaining in tune.
"Well that was shite" called Adam. "Shall we go again?"
But before we started, the door opened and in walked Matt.
"Ooh, ELO. Can I sing?" he said. He couldn't play any instruments, and a tune would disguise his peculiar Doncaster accent. He was probably the second biggest ELO fan after Ray and so Steve handed the mike to Matt, I got told off for playing Scott Joplin's Maple Leaf Rag, and we went again. It did sound better, probably because I kept in time. Matt also knew the words, had a more positive voice and could also carry a tune. But somehow it didn't sound right.
Adam, the most talented musician amongst us put his finger on it. Mr Blue Sky is in the key of F. Matt was singing in B-flat, essentially singing a harmony to a tune that wasn't there.
We then all agreed that setting up a band was quite possibly the worst thing we could possibly do short of burning down an orphange and kitten sanctuary. Instruments were put away, and that was the end of 'Face the Music'.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 17:05, Reply)

LIve bands
Biffy Clyro, supporting 100 Reasons at Rock City. Quite THE most awful live performance I've ever seen.
Stray:Late seventies cod metal three piece. Bloody awful, a racket from the crypt.
Martha Wainwright, supporting Wilco: what were they thinking about. Brings new definition to talentlessness
Japan. 1976: so far up their own backsides they actually disappeared.
Chas 'n 'Dave: Dear God..............

I have more. If they were bad, I was probably there.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 30 Dec 2010, 16:59, 3 replies)

Eurovision entries are in a league of their own anyway usually, but remember the UK's entry from 2007?
You'd be completely forgiven for not remembering this. If not for the overly camp sexual puns (see 2mins47secs in) which are made with roughly zero subtlety i'd probably not have remembered this either!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBOnDcmckdc
(b0w13, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 16:51, 2 replies)

Peaches Geldof!
Finally, something she stands a chance of winning!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjknDT8keGU
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 16:43, 5 replies)

Model Team International
Self indulgent wanksters.

Then they changed their name to James, and became famous self indulgent wanksters.

wankers.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 16:42, 2 replies)

It's a toss-up
Could it be Xtreme, with their vomit-inducing "More Than Turds", or is it perhaps The Starland Vocal Band with "Afternoon Delight"? Oh, wait, who did "Billy, Don't be a Hero"?
( UF0 I ignore ALL board nazis!, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 16:34, 7 replies)

Oasis.
Next question.
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 16:26, 10 replies)

If music smelt
one would say "Ooh, lovely, it smells like flowers," or "Ooh, Jesus, it smells like shit."

That's just the way it is.

But the more discerning can tell the difference between pongy French cheese and dog shit trod into yer carpet. That's the expertise.

Much like wine bores, hohum.
(roysin, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 16:25, 2 replies)