Cross-cultural moniker misfortune
The first asian guy to come to our school was called Kamaljit.

Anyone care to guess his nickname?

Poor guy.
( pilchardboy, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:41, Reply)

Mate at school
Called Chris Peacock.
His nickname - Crispy
think about it
(makavelli, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:39, Reply)

On a rugby tour
We had just watched the England France game a few years ago and we suitably leathered an decided we needed a chinese. So we walked the mile into town coz the fuckers wouldnt deliver. Waited for the order and collected it 15 mins or so later and set off on the return leg to the hotel. Then the thunder and lightening started so we picked up the drunken pace we were setting

As we entered the hotel car park, i felt the bottom of my paper bag giving way. I tried in vain to hold onto my delicious ribs and noodles, but the whole lot fell out of the bag and carton all down the front of my one pair of trousers and the floor.
Anyway, very angry and hungry i went bak to the drinking.

The next morning i woke up with 5 minutes to the tour meeting and had to hurredly wash the chinese crap off the front of my pants. As i was sat wearing the wet trousers drying them off with a hairdryer, 3 of 4 of the lads burst into my room to the sight of me apparently pleasuring myself with said hairdryer.

This led to a tour court, my punishment, go out that night with the words 'pubic stylist' written on my forehead in marker pen. Unfortunately, this wouldnt wash off and i had to play the next morning with this unfortunate monkier written on my head.
Luckily, i hadnt been caught white handed like another lad hu had to bear 'wanker' written on his head.

Thats the first post, and i spose if i was funny, there'd b a humourous penis reference here. I have a really small one, so i cant come up with one
(makavelli, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:38, Reply)

Favourite nickname
Is that apparently referees know Niel Warnock as Colin, specifically cos his name is an anagram of Colin Wanker
(Elnicko Nearly pub O'Clock, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:36, Reply)

also
Another friend who seemed to be gay earned the delightful play on his real name:
Gayvid Sinqueer
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:36, Reply)

Nicknames
I had several at school and work that I'm not prepared to reveal here but there was a kid who was useless at any kind of sport, he was so unco-ordinated we cruelly named him Captain Cripple. I don't know if he was ever in a horrendous accident or anything like that later in life, but I'm told he is still known by this name 26 years on
(Elnicko Nearly pub O'Clock, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:35, Reply)

Whilst at Uni
It started off with 'cockney wanker' - as I'm from Colchester in Essex, which to the northerners I knew was just a part of london?!?!

This progressed to The Gimp & Deviant as I used to make a lot of sick jokes and lived in the little attic room of our student house "bring out the gimp...but the gimp's sleeping.."

A friend used to get called Scaramanga after the James Bond villian as he had a big mole on his forehead like a third nipple.
( ashurek, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:35, Reply)

In case he's reading this
I have a mate whose nickname is Ferret, and has been for as long as I can remember/as long as I've known him, if not longer.

How he got this nickname is lost to the mists of time (as far as I know), but I maintain it's because he's hairy, hyperactive and has a penchant for diving down dark holes/up trousers legs
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:35, Reply)

Before I left work
to become a baby making machine, I was still a carnivore and Thursdays was Spam day, it was around the time of pop idol when they were singing the "Monday Monday" song. So we changed the words to "Spamday Spamday" and sung it religiously every Thursday, everyone loved the spam sandwiches that the chain smoking old hag in canteen would make, so Thursday were our favorite days. After a while my spam team seemed to fall apart, much to my dismay, (they saw the light and realised the horrific processed genetically modified crap I was forcing them to eat) and in the end there was only me, but I still trooped on and sang my "spamday" song all alone. Hence the name spamsam (sam is my real name btw). After a while I became pregnant, and my chest swelled to a rediculous size - so my nickname went from Spam to Spamela Handerson, my friend was jealous of my new found attention so I gave her my own little nickname which has stuck with her eversince.... thus on that fabled day, Spamela Handerson and Crusty Crotch were born!


(to set the record straight ... I do not know and will never want to find out if her crotch is crusty)
( Mrs.Sp@m, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:29, Reply)

I used to be known as 'dirty slut'.

But only in my wank fantasies, so I guess that doesn't count.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:28, Reply)

My friend claimed...

that someone at his school was called 'Wee-wee' because that was how he said 'really?'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:28, Reply)

my
Watching football in my first week at uni. Blackburn were playing. Paul Dickov was playing. I remarked (being the hillarious wit that I am) that it would be good if his middle name was "My". Like Paul My Dickov = Pull My Dick Off.

My name is Paul.

I'm now simply "My".

And my surname is now used by all my friends to mean cock. Not good.

*pop*
(pl, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:27, Reply)

Cool nickname, rubbish reason
I acquired the nickname James Bond at primary school - an odd nickname with an odder backstory. We had recently moved into a new house and the previous occupants, who sold kitchens, had left a state of the art one installed, complete with built-in deep fat fryer, waste disposal unit and a bin in a cupboard. I had had a gathering at chez moi for me and a few mates and one of them mentioned in school the next day that I had a "James Bond Kitchen", and that was that.

Meanwhile my brother named a friend of ours Bernard, after his resemblance to Nursey from Blackadder II (whose real name turns out to be Bernard). This nickname stuck so well that now his mum calls him Bernie, and he almost got thrown out of uni about four times because the lecturers didn't realise he was turning up, believeing his name to be Bernard...

LICK MY LENGTH AND GIRTH YOU BEEYATCHES!
(keeferreefer, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:27, Reply)

Pub regular
Chap I know used to go to a local drinking club on a friday evening.

A well off mother and father used to bring out their 20 something, very disabled, son. The lads carer used to come as well, towel him up, and feed him the odd beer.

His disability made him very wobbly, wavy and prone to making whistles and snorting noises.

The locals referred to him as Chewbacca, Chewie to his friends.
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:21, Reply)

A collegue/mate of mine
we used to call him Arnold The Kärcher, after the then muscled filmstar and after the high pressure hose systems. The first part was because of his training at the gym, the second because he didn't have a girlfriend yet, and must have built up quite some pressure.

Oh, and when I was about 16, I was called Sjors for about two years. Don't know where that came from though...
( mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:11, Reply)

beans/dave
i was nicknamed 'beans' at school. just because i had beans for school dinners every day. well, we were 7.

i have loads of mates called dave...but it seems that everyone has mates called dave that they suffix with an adjective...ie mad dave, straight dave, comedy dave, hairy dave etc...
(balboa, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:11, Reply)

Ahh, Memories.
When I was in me final year of an all male secondary school, I didn't really run with one group, being the "off-kilter" (ie. unhinged)one in the year group. Now I thought an unnamed person was a total Twunt, however he was more popular than me so picking a fight wasn't an option.

Then in the space of a week my chance to unleash a hate-filled yet funny as fuck attack on him that made his mates piss themselves. Twunt broke out in a horrible dose of plukes giving his face a white pebbled texture, Snogged a first cousin of his and knowing of their familial connections and to finish either broke or sprained, can't remember sorry, his ankle leaving him on crutches. Seeing him move around for one day, by the end of our after school study period i was forced to go on, came up with a name combining mushrooms, a passing Hamlet reference (Play not cigar), cowboys and kangaroos including Liberal use of his McXXXXX suffixed name.

I christened him Fengis McClaudius McHopalongSkip.
His mates collapsed and as he was on crutches retaliation would have been easily dealt with. His mates adopted it for the last 6-7 months of school breaking it up as needed or strung together to piss him off. Donal the legend rang up a message line left by DJ with a wicked sense of humour on 2fm singing Fengis McClaudius McHopalongSkip to a tune he made up himself. DJ liked that so much played it all that week.
The memory always makes me smile.
Length/Girth/Whatever.
( Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:11, Reply)

one that I tried to start but has never caught on:

'Hatstand', for any left-wing type person. From socialist newspaper sellers' habit of holding up a copy of their paper in each hand, thus resembling a hatstand.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:11, Reply)

Eh?
Deaf kid of my acquaintance was universally known as "beggy".

Cuz whenever you asked him something he would reply, "Beggy Pardon?".

Also knew a Herman Munster at one time.
(madderthanthou, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:10, Reply)

Nah, na-nah nah.
A mate of mine is know as "Nah, na-nah nah" ( to be said to the tune of Don’t Mug Yourself). This is because he goes on and on like Mike Skinner out of the Streets, only with none of the panache
( The BrownHaze, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:09, Reply)

My surname's Brown and I'm a Geordie
hence 'Newcastle Brown'.

Never gets dull...
(buggerlugs fold staple mutilate, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:08, Reply)

my friend, before I knew him, was a gay prostitute.
Sadly he was never known as 'Officeworks'.

Even though he presumably charged by the ream.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:07, Reply)

Grammar School "humour"
Got called "Commie" for my left of centre views but they soon got tired of it when I kept threatening to set the KGB on them.

We had a kid with a big nose who we called Lenny, from the French "le nez".
(lolwhites, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:06, Reply)

Quiver
..is still my nickname, as I am still referred to by my surviving* mates from halls in first year.

It came about when, as lairy young freshers we were toddling back from the pub in a group of 5 or 6. As is often the case in those numbers, people get separated out and were conducting conversations in twos as we walked back. I can't remember why exactly, but I was telling my mate Martin how when we were toddlers my younger brother would call me 'Criffiter' ('cos 'Christopher' was inevitably beyond his 1 year old tongue).

Enter Welsh Jim. Great lad, mad as skippy, Welsh. Being a few paces behind, he mistakenly heard 'Criffiter' as 'Quiver'. He promptly yells out "Quivaahh! That's yer name, isn't it!?". Then Martin joins in. The name stuck throughout first year, and to be honest, I don't really mind it. At least it ended the recurrent quandries over what to use as a screen name..

(And in more inebriated moments I have been known to boast that that's what I do to girls' knees. I'm so suave..)

* Surviving as friends that is. Not that any have died or owt, I think..
( Quiver Search for FATALISTS on Spotify, Amazon, Apple, &c, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:04, Reply)

A lad at school,
surname Drury, was nicknamed 'Jukebox', which I always thought was kinda cool.
( routine has perfected burgers, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:03, Reply)

Loads of crap ones.
The usual like Wee Man for my mate whos quite short, Fat Man for my mate who's quite fat, Meat Head for my mate who sticks bacon to his face, my two favourites are for two people at Uni, which i made up (*joy*) a girl is called Dip; cos she's as thick as fucking pig shit, the dull twat; and Ghandi, so called for he is from Birmingham and not a little racist.

Never had one myself despite being soulless and ginger.

Alas, i remain...
(Formaly Over say's hello, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:00, Reply)

bloke at uni...
got called (unbeknownst to him which kinda defeats the point) "lurchyjambohitecshoes".
Why? Cos he was freakishly tall ("lurchy"), looked like (now defunct) jambo off of hollyoaks ("jambo") and wore "so crap they're crap" hi-tec basketball boots ("hitecshoes").

Also a girl at school well known to Squidboot called "sideboardthighqueen" for reasons which are lost in the mists of time.
(ruttiger, Fri 19 May 2006, 15:00, Reply)

just remembered another 'nickname only in my head'

'Dark Satanic', for a girl whose last name was Mills who in fact had light coloured hair and a sunny disposition.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 May 2006, 14:59, Reply)

I couldn't ever bring myself to say it
There was a boy in my class at school who was often referred to as 'Biff'.

He had spina bifida.

To cheer myself up, there was another with a bit of a square heed and even squarer haircut who got called 'Herman'. Happily, he didn't have any such congenital condition, so it was perfectly alright to rip the piss and make his life a misery.
(oxymoron, Fri 19 May 2006, 14:58, Reply)

As a student...
I was known as

Rockster - after the crap make of my guitar..
which was replaced by;

Poop..Pronounced Puuuup ... Duuno why..probably due to pulling a whitey while taking a shit I suppose.....

Not as bad as the peculiar deformed chap in my class we all called Squarehead...or Square....fuck you simon!
(Rockster77, Fri 19 May 2006, 14:57, Reply)