During
energetic sex with ex lover, in a method that could only be likened to the rythm and power of a steam engine arranged in an unusal orgy of flesh, stood to occur a mis-placed exhaust stroke.

The consequential combustion stroke missed the combustion chamber and sent my piston chaffing along her pubic bone and along her bush.

The lubrication quickly disipated like a cheap mineral oil, causing friction of immense pain.

The result was the bloody spurting of my freshly severed frenulum. Keen to make the most of it, the resulting mess of fluid appeared like a cool refreshing summer time treat of strawberries and cream!

Apologies for length, but after that ordeal, has left it *slightly* longer.
(Rabid, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:54, Reply)

silk purse from a pork sword
My friend told me a story where his mate had, in full view of all his friends in the pub, stuffed £1.59's worth of coppers down his foreskin, and closed the top over.

I clumsily tried it later on, much to my shrieking-in-pain chagrin, as the edges of the 2s and 1s nipped and pinched my tenderest skin in numerous places.

(I eventually stacked them up so that there were no gaps - gaps mean nips - and stuffed the resulting column down. 22p, not too shabby with a full close-over)
(trevorthecat, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:54, Reply)

Bicycle Maintenance
I was always fiddling with my bike as a kid, and had once done some work on my front tire. I took it to the woods for a test drive, and was happily running our trail, part of which ran over a creek. Rather than make a way to ride down through the creek, we had made a ramp to jump it. So, there I am, airbourne, as I watched my front wheel fall completely off of the bike. I buried my front forks in the opposite bank, and pummelled my bits into the top-rail and handlebars. As I laid there gasping, my mate hits the ramp behind me.

No appologies for length. I expect the swelling to go down any day, now.
( Syncubus Yarr! Ye'll be walking Planck's Constant! [GMT-5], Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:53, Reply)

some edema
In one of many adolescent experimentations of most pleasurable masturbation lubricant, I used some simple soap.

Cue to 2 days later when the strange water swelling around my member has not gone away. I suspected it was the soap but found it so strange that it stay right under the skin in one specific area and create a swelling that I began to get a little scared I'd really bunged it up.

I finally broke down and asked my mother about it, thank god she didn't ask to see it. She had no answer, but didn't seem alarmed. I realized now that she must have been thinking "Oh dear, he's gotten to the incessant wanking stage".

Next day, the water ring was gone, and in its place was a lovely case of peeling, flaking and itchiness.
(archemeaty, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:49, Reply)

I like this one
I know some of them are made up, but some are ace...
I decided to rasie money for charity by taking part in a 10k hill race, and not being a natural runner (drink beer, smoke recreational tobacco yadda yadda) i needed to train a lot. I actually got quite good, lost a stack of weight and so on. All that friction over the course of 4 months of hard distance training chafed my nipples until they were finally like little hard bullets of scabbiness. Like grazing yourself in the same place over and over again. What I didnt count on was running the race and coming in all bug eyed with adrenalin, couldn't work out why people were pointing at me agape. Once the endorphin rush wore off, realised my nipples had both been rubbed off completely, effectively now just scabs they had been well and truly picked, and my white microfibre running vest was a very fetching shade of abbatoir. That really really hurt, and took forever for me to be able to get in a warm shower, tight tshirt etc. Very very hurty.
Worse, I bagged a girl about 3 months later, and she gets all playful and bites one of my freshly grown man buttons, which promptly came away in her teeth. I screamed louder than she did.
(kaptinkurtz, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:48, Reply)

morning glory + phone + jumping = very very bad
i was alone in my house during the summer holidays back in my yoof. half asleep half awake with a big raging bonk on and the phone starts ringing. now the nearest phone to my room is in my mum and dads room at the far side of the room. without thinking i jumped across their bed to grab the phone, the next thing i know i am in the worst possible pain ever imaginable. now i was and still am a bit of a porker imagine 14 stone of weight landing on that o so precious and important apendage. i seriously thourght i had snapped it or something. it hurt like a cunt for a week or so after big ringed bruise around my cock where it bent under my weight. needless to say i didnt manage to answer the phone.
also one time i got home after an exam and as you do i thourght id bang one out quickly few minutes in i hear the front door opening so i do up my zip, think theres something about mary just not quite as bad, my end did bleed tho.
(fwack bang on it, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:46, Reply)

A couple of months ago
A couple of months ago, I decided to grow my nails. with quie a bit of success, I ended up having my hands photographed for a nightclub but that is another story...

Well anyway, It had been a looooong time since I had an encounter with another person (hmmmm....) and got extremely drunk.

Whilst I was helping my "friend" (who I never met before or seen since) out of his trousers I accidently grabbed too hard and sliced his member, causing a lot of pain (for him) and a lot of blood.

When I called the Ambulance and the 2 paramedics turned up, I tried to explain what happened "tactfully" but for some reason they (and later the entire staff at Accident and Emergency) found this funny. This guy ended up having 5 stitches for this wound.

I have since cut off my nails for fear of "Self-mutilation" or being called something out of Silence of the Lambs.
(Timbi, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:44, Reply)

Hey....what is this!
Last year, i had the misfortune to endure the worst rugby injury in my rather stunted career. A fracas had erupted with the poepoe’s in the front row. Ref calls the offending players over, and being the captain I was summoned to. The opposition nutter decides to argue his point via the medium of a head butt to our player! Ouch. As the whole field stops in amazement at this development, I though I would take action (I though a good telling off was in order). Before I could move closer, the sod decided to try his best Bruce lee impersonation and did a side kick right into my ‘wee chap’, sending me down quicker than a $2 hooker. 2 mintues to breath again, and 10 before on feet!

Took me about 2 weeks before any hand to gland combat was resumed! It looks rather funny when its bruised!
(duchats, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:42, Reply)

Bum Conker!
was once checking for winnets while watching the telly as you do when i found a little tangle nut in me underpants, on closer examination it was 'conkered' to a hair I must have inadvertently swallowed and not fully passed. Well I tell thee it must have been one of Rapunzels fuckers as it took ages to extract, each little tug cheesewired my bum and beyond, which made me chuckle and cry all at the same time, did stop to do a little 'swing' half way through tho!
(bong69, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:42, Reply)

me too
I touched a girl's boob once too. Just shows how young male hormones can be blinding... somehow I failed to notice that she was holding a golf club, having just finished up gym class.
Ay ay ay! Mis huevos!
(archemeaty, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:40, Reply)

3rd grade prank
A popular prank in grade school was to place objects on someone's chair just as they were sitting down. Just uncomfortable items, mind you, paper wads, pencil cases, etc.

A friend of mine went too far one day when he held newly sharpened pencil, point upright, on the chair of a mild-mannered female classmate as she was regaining her desk.

Effectively broke off 1 cm of graphite in her right butt-pillow which required surgical removal and much psychological counseling later on in life.
(archemeaty, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:38, Reply)

Expertly Probed
Having been a long time sufferer of various bowel complaints (I know, what a catch you are thinking) I have been professionally probed on many occasions. Some have been gentle, even kind, whilst others have been rather more brusque and brutal.

My pain was not on the probing of my rude bits on this occasion, it was more the shame of looking over my shoulder whilst the probing was in progress in a consulting room in the London Hospital. As the doctor had me at a disadvantage, all I could muster was 'Could you please close the door.......'
(tell me about the rabbits, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:35, Reply)

A pitta bad luck
I woke up one morning after a big night out, really late for work. I just jumped out of bed and pulled on my clothes and set off.
On the tube I could feel a burning sensation in my back, which was getting steadily worse. I reached back under my shirt, and to my horror I could feel a massive strip of skin peeling off. I touched it and it peeled off even more. Eventually a whole chunk peeled off in my hand, I thought I was going to faint. I had a look at what I was holding, and it was a large piece of kebab meat, that had been stuck to my back with chilli sauce, that I had spent the night sharing my bed with.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:28, Reply)

I hurt my rude bits
whilst at school we were playing "pile ons" as you do. I jumped on top and then straight off. I felt a searing pain in my left arse cheek. I asked If any one had anything sharp in their pockets and this kid pulled out a knife with a 3inch blade. I had landed on top of it am now left with nice scar. On another occasion I shot a friend with a home made bow and arrow straight in the nuts. He went down like a sack of shit
(snelly, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:23, Reply)

i touched a girl's boob once...
she kicked me in the nads so hard i walked awkward the whole day...
( Mr. Johnson, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:23, Reply)

arse bite
when we were about 8 me and my cousin were
having a fight. i pulled her hair an she bit
a chunk out of my arse. so now when anyone comments on my lack of
an arse (i'm quite skinny) i just tell them my cousin ate it
(i eat crayons, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:18, Reply)

Cock + Pants = Gash Hell
I severed my penis. I was having some dirty love with a one night stand and couldn't be bothered with removing her pants, just edging them over.

The "frilly" cotton edging bit cut into my John Thomas leaving me with a massive gash on my cock. That could also be said about the sex, too...

Yes.

EDIT: To explain this further, just imagine a cotton hacksaw....
(blackfacedfightinggibbon, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 16:06, Reply)

Purely Accidental!
I was once messinga round with my then boyfriend in my parents house, we'd been running round upstairs naked (as you do) and having the odd fumble here and there. He'd managed to whack my ass well and truly a good few times, soI decided it was time for revenge...so I trubdle downstairs (avoiding windows) and get the tea towel...which is in perfect 'slightly damp' conditions. I span it round and round and legged it upstairs and tried to do the whippy thing on his ass. I missed, I get him right in the sack, he managed to slam the door in my face before falling to the floor and crying. A Lot.
(wormeater, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:54, Reply)

Olbas Oil
Ever heard of the stuff? You put it on a hankerchief, keep it in a warm place and sniff it occasionally to clear your bunged up nose.

Whatever you do, do NOT keep it warm by putting it in your underpants (as I did), unless of course you like your bollock sack to feel like it's at sub zero temperatures :-(
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:53, Reply)

And it burns, burns, burns...
There we all were, stoned off our coconuts in the park figuring out 101 uses for a traffic cone and sharing drink/drugs/women/skateboards when the nut that is my mate Henry announced he was 'going bald'. As he was well known for having a fine afro we were slightly bemused.

Down went the kegs, out came the lighter and snap, crackle and pop went his pubes. Yes, he had set fire to the hair in his nether regions for no discernable reason. Must have been excruciating but we laughed until we cried as he rolled up into a ball.

Scorched earth? Scorched girth more like.

He then part shaved/part pulled off remaining offending pubic hairs and buried them in a little plot between the flower beds and firs in Kings Heath park. Years later people still come up to him and say 'remember that night when you...'

Dont do drugs kids.
( prem1um is full of life, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:53, Reply)

another mint disaster!
I am the proud and happylittleowner of a pot of some special green minty "tingling" lube, made by that saucy lady Mrs Summers. It's rather pleasurable when applied and makes me lady bits feel all cold and tingly and exciting - ooh! mr happylittletulip is also rather partial, so funfun nookie fun to be had all round!

But not when you're on the brink of an attack of thrush. Oh no. It went from being an innocent blob of naughty love-help to a full on
screaming pubic napalm decimation attack. I wriggled like a big wriggling thing away from the evil ectoplasmic scourge, scampered like a crippled albatross to the bathroom and soothed my poor burning stinging lady bits with lovely cold water and some "shh, there there" noises.

length? girth? it's all in your mind, my dear...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:49, Reply)

Knackers on the dance floor
At one of the last and best parties my mate Louise had in our final school years (60's theme, we made posters for the room, fancy dress n everything), in her attic party/crash out room. Her bf was sitting on the floor at one point and this girl from my form stood right in his knackers accidently, causing him to stay on the floor for the rest of the night.

This stompy girl is the same girl that later admitting pleasuring herself with frozen fish fingers. Ow, and , why!?!?!
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:47, Reply)

CS gas canisters. Like guns and knives, don't play with 'em
On a wonderfully sunny day not too long ago I took my first ever road trip to Swansea, oh, it was lovely, ice creams and walking on the beach. Positively scrumptious.

As day turned to dusk, we did what any group of 21 year olds would do, we went and got completely spanked in a delightful club called Jumping Jacks (My God, what a place) on cherry WKD (it was on offer, there is no other excuse to drink it, not fit for a scummy man in Scarborough that stuff). On returning to my friends palacial home, we continued drinking and as I had travelled down with my on/off f*ck buddy (wonderful thing that) things were obviously heading in *that* direction so off I toddled upstairs to myself look all sexy and stuff...

He's taking too long, me thinks and I'm starting to get a little agitated. I wonder out of my room to see what the hell is going on and as I descend the stairs my eyes start to burn as does pretty much my WHOLE face and hands. I hear screaming from the bathroom... Man screams... Another one of my friends has locked three of them in a bathroom and let off a CS gas canister. Clever right? They were all in a right old state, goodness me. IT BURNS TO BUGGERY.

Anyhoo, as time passes my FB comes back upstairs to, um, continue what we started. It's getting rather heated (excuse the pun) and his wee hand starts wondering down *there*. Oooh, I think, how spiffy. Ha! Had I spoke to soon? YES.

I start squirming, thinking, My God, he's given me some kind of horrific STD and we haven't even, you know, gone all the way yet. How many people HAS he been shagging. Only then did I stop and think, Oh Sh*t.

Five minutes later I am hopping about the room trying to soothe what feels like a f*cking fire in my lady cup.

Needless to say the mood was somewhat ruined.

You don't know pain until you've had CS gas rubbed into your lady parts, my friends. Death would have been preferable*.

*Slight exageration
(Spoil Me please, oh, please, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:47, Reply)

Oh Pants
My little brother was about 8 at the time. He had a face like thunder in coming home from school one day. Turned out he'd lost his pants after swimming and his jeans had been chaffing his little-boy-bits all day.
(Fuzzy Mornings, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:45, Reply)

At school
I was walking down from the top of the campus to the bottom. I see a manhole, the cover is slightly wobbly. Before I even THINK about it properly my legs have decided, Ooh wobbly drain cover I'LL JUST WALK ON IT.

The cover slips. I fall straight down. The only thing that saved me from plunging to the bottom (and probably certain death) was the fact that the lid hadn't actually come off. Oh no. It had flipped so the edge was pointing straight up. Right. Between. My. Fucking. LEGS.

Next thing I know I'm half sticking out of a filthy manhole, my poor ladyparts are bruised and hurting like a big hurty mass of HURT, and I'm surrounded by schoolkids who think they've just witnessed the funniest thing ever.
(therocker, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:45, Reply)

Burny!
About a year ago or so I was in Walkabout (crappy club that you never want to go to but always have a good time once you're in) for a workmate's birthday. I have a pint. And another. And another. In fact I have several pints. Of alcoholic beverages, no less!

After a few of these pints, the inevitable happens: Nature is calling upon my bladder and I must scurry myself towards the stinky marshes known as the Men's room.

I walk down the stairs with a slight swaying due to the alcohol; pint in one hand, handrail oin the other hand, cigarette drooping from my mouth in the coolest possible fashion.

I get to the toilet, walk up to the urinal, get my penis out ready for some fluid excretion. I look down at him and give him a wink. He winks back. And then....bliss.....I can feel my bladder emptying. I let out a sigh of pissy relief: "Aaaaaahh!".

Disaster!

The sigh of relief made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth and the exact moment I was tucking my love length back into my boxers and, as you already probably guessed, the cigarette followed it.

What resulted was a slightly burnt foreskin that looked like I'd shagged the town bicycle and an excruciating pain that made me sound like a schoolgirl! What amazes me to this day is that I actually took the time to put my pint down in an appropriate place where it wouldn't fall before saving my manhood from a fiery death.

Apologies for length but it was almost shorter!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:35, Reply)

Grapefruit
My first mrs. squashed my left testacle between my leg and hers. It swelled like a grapefruit. Then, the doctor shoved his finger in my ass. The first wife is gone but I still see the doctor semi-annually.
(janetdoggy, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:26, Reply)

Y-front Kerplunk...
Years back when my kid bro was 3 or 4, he had the great idea of seeing just how many marbles he could fit in his pants. Dunno what the world record is but he easy got 20-30 in his duds.

Full of childish pride he decides to go and show our Mum, giggling like crazy as he waddles out the bedroom in just his pants, across the landing and down the first few stairs.

Now child law clearly states that the bottom four steps should never be used, so he does the kid thing and jumps them.

As he gracefully flies through the air, every single marble separates in his pants... only to be brought back together at great speed on landing.

Poor little buggers face went from joy to sheer agony as balls, scrote, dick and foreskin were nipped simultaneosly between the colorful glass orbs.

...looked like he'd been attacked by chicken according to me Mum.
(tinpixel, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:17, Reply)

Ouch
Due to a freak accident, I got chewing gum stuck in my pubes. If you've ever got chewy stuck in your hair, you'll know it's nigh-on-impossible to get it out, so I thought I'd just leave it there till I got home. However, with every step I took, the evil mass of gum drew in more pubes, pulling them tighter and tighter until I was wincing as I walked.

I had to shave them all off when I got home.


A little more length is always nice.
(Fuzzy Mornings, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 15:12, Reply)