As there has been a good deal of 'erotic' writing posted
I thought I'd stick some of my own in....

This isn't as hardcore as others have been and it's not as graphic as the erotica I posted some time ago....

Instead it's a bit of Literary Erotica ... well, I'd like to think it is...but I'm inclined to think it's just pretentious tosh...however, it is part of a novel I've written which is still sitting in its virtual drawer as a first draft. Maybe one day I'll get it out, redraft it and send it around to publishers to be rejected properly.

For now, all you lovely people can read it...
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 17:18, 15 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Story reply thingy
While knocking back the prosecco the other evening my friend challenged me to write a story called "Cooking by the light of the fridge". I think maybe she expected something more comic or, indeed, more interesting, but I'm not in a humourous mood much these days and am rarely interesting, so have this instead. It's a 20-minute, first draft effort so, well, meh.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 16:32, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Stories eh?
On a psychic theme. Needs work lots of work. 495 words. Posted as reply.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 8 Jul 2008, 15:30, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

just remembered something randomly
anyone ever play a game called Moonstone on the Amiga?

think the tagline was "A Hard Days Knight"

it was awesome
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 14:54, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

since we're all so talented at writing and stuff
And since the nice people sent me heaps of leaflets about their spanky Creative Works compy, I thought I would do a linky so you's can all have a go at winning £500. Just click on this clever linky thingy which works properly now thankyou for alerting me msswipe

Of course, if any of you win, I will be expecting 25% commission
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 14:49, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

G8 irony?
Am I alone in being slightly tickled yet simultaneously hacked off by the stuff on 'food wastage' that our beloved leader was spouting forth yesterday at the G8 summit? I think it was the bit on the 10 o'clock news that said the delegates ended the day with an 8 course banquet that had me spluttering on my wine with indignation...

I wonder how many plates were completely cleaned at that banquet? And how much food was actually chucked out? I think we should be told...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 8 Jul 2008, 12:15, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

what
is the difference between a duck?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 10:57, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Boss Keloid
Happy birthday to you

Congrats yer old ,)


Morning all
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 8:32, 287 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just saw something on /links that reminds me of something that has been bothering me recently.
What is the deal with all these school productions (plays and musicals) where they put microphones on all the kids? What ever happened to teaching the kids to project their voices? Has technology ruined The School Play?
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 8 Jul 2008, 3:10, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello, I'm doing something not very interesting.
What are you doiing?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 20:25, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So.
What are you all having for lunch?
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 20:20, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Whoop WHOOP!
I'm shoving a squirrel into my dad's ex-wife!

YEEEHAA!
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 20:19, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hey guys I just shat out an onion

(__, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 20:18, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

As quite a few of us
live in the South East, how does a mini QOTWers' bash sound somewhere Canterbury way? Hop on below if you're interested.
( Maladicta, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 19:51, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello!
Let's set up a new home for evening - the last place of abode is rather crammed.


( thealternativefact, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 19:41, 115 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What did I miss?
I was reading an old thread from last night and I saw this....

This is a question reply Oh crap...
*looks at hoover*

*grabs bottle of bleach*

[CONTENT REMOVED FOR LEGAL REASONS]
(Kaol had a visit from the Pointy Fairy, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 0:51, Ignore)
This is a question reply Bwah ha ha ha ha ...


Did Kaol put up that just to terrify titillate us?

Or were there mysterious b3ta mod things going on during the night?

The b3ta public demands to know!

But I don't want to know exactly what it was that was removed...for legal purposes of course...

I'm guessing something purple maybe.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 18:04, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

why
do I see a spider/wasp/creepy crawly and then instantly feel as though I am covered in spiders/wasps/creepy crawlies???

I know it's not just me. explain please clever ones. thanks.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 16:02, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've just submitted this to an online short story place
They don't have a bar to stories that have appeared elsewhere so long as you hold the copywrite. Added to which it'll take up to FIVE MONTHS for them to decide whether or not to take it.
So as I'm too lazy today to write something new - I've got various ideas knocking around my head at the moment and something may come up soon - have this to read instead.

As seems to be the current habit, it's in the reply.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:14, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

“Hawk’s” the name, “Mo Hawk”

Following an accident with a Remington beard trimmer, the experience having been so good but lacking the requisite liquidity to buy the company, I contented myself merely to shave my hair off.

Ze German (baz’s special ladyfriend) had been charged with a task she had successfully completed once before, namely shaving my hair to a sensible, presentable but above all, low maintenance length.

All was going swimmingly until the shaver appeared to stick. It dragged at my hair and caused some discomfort. Ze German thought the blade had gone blunt. I doubted this and taking it from her, took it apart and advised her to go clean the detachable parts.

Off she toddled with the two disconnected parts; the plastic attachment for keeping a wee bit of hair on my head and the cutting blade which attaches to the spinning doo-hickey in the main shaft which makes the cutting happen (a technically sound explanation if ever there was one).

I, meanwhile, applied my technical know-how to blowing bits of hair out of the main shaft of the device with short, sharp blows.

All appeared in order once Ze German returned and I put the parts back together again. Only that’s not quite what happened.

Ze German set about her task with her customary ruthless efficiency and painlessly gouged a 2-inch wide, 7-inch long furrow into the hair above my left temple. Ze German screamed, stood back and placed her hand over her mouth.

“What? What’s the matter?”, I said. “What are you screaming at, you loon?”

“Oh bazmorningstar”, she said. “You didn’t attach the plastic yoke.”

I had been sitting shirtless in the garden on a plastic chair on a day which rained intermittently in torrents twixt periods of glorious sunshine. It was a typical Irish summers day and in my haste to get the job over and done with, lest another shower should scupper the enterprise, I handed her the shaft with the blade attached but not the plastic attachment for leaving a bit of hair on my head.

Seeing my reflection only in the kitchen window, I laughed. I could only laugh. It wasn’t her fault. Her Teutonic fastidiousness has been somewhat decreased after eight years of living in tweedly-deedly-another-pint-of-Guinness-please-landlord land and she genuinely failed to see the missing part.

It was my fault for hurrying her and for not paying attention to the parts in my hand. The part was still in my hand. I immediately accepted my fate.

One of two coupes-de-cheveux presented themselves; The Dalai Lama or the Balding Punk. I had spent years in my twenties sporting the Hare Krishna look, convinced as I was that I was balding significantly ( I wasn’t – it grew back thicker after having been shaved weekly for about two years), so I decided the Playboy stripe was the way to go.

“Sweetie”, I said. “There is nothing for it only to persevere.”

Chuckling, she set about her task of shearing me like a soon-to-butchered-sheep entered as a last minute reprieve into a ghastly ovine ‘Crufts’.

So, “Mohawk?” you say. “Doesn’t it lend you an air of menace?”

“Don’t old ladies and children avoid you in the street?”

“Aren’t your colleagues shocked and appalled at your unprofessional appearance?”

“Has John Q. Law given you a knowing glance?”

“Shopkeepers coming round the counter to keep an eye on you?”

“Bouncers giving you the heave-ho without even an explanatory word?”

Not a bit of it. I’m Irish. I look Irish; all pale skin, rosy cheeks and freckles galore.

On top of it, I wear glasses, the blue-tinted half-framed rectangular type. I have a double chin, a pot belly and short, squat legs.

In short, I look like a mental patient on day release.

Rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 13:57, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello Kids
its my 2nd to last day at work, and I need some excitement, any ideas for office games I can play to pass the time??!!!

Daz x
(drain_bamaged, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 13:46, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Photoshop...
As seems to be the way today, I have a question, which I'm hoping you lovely B3ta types can solve.

Not sure how many of you use Photoshop, but it's worth a go as no one in my office has a clue about it.

I have a picture of a vodka bottle (that's the kind of job I have) which has a white background. I need it not to have a white background.

The wand tool doesn't work as it just selects most of the bottle as well as the background. The magnetic lasso tool frustrates the arse off me, and doesn't really work either.

Is there anyway of cutting the bottle out without having to use the eraser and spend hours on it?

Answers on a postcard. Bottle of vodka* for the winner...




*may only be virtual vodka
( Moey, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 13:31, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Interviews
I've just read the b3ta interview with the Disney guy.

Do they advertise whom they're going to be interviewing in advance? How do you submit questions?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 13:11, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

help!!
first of all, have work bowling on wed this week. i suck at bowling. really badly. anyone got any tips? other than put the barriers up, which was howled down with mirth by the boys on the team.

second of all, i am trying to buy a new car. i literally cannot decide between the TT soft top, the new A3 cabriolet soft top, or the new facelifted SLK (i love the facelift. but it has knocked about a grand off the non facelifted one that i have to trade in. so thanks for that, merc). what should i get????????
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 11:36, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Help please!
Ages ago I downloaded some free software which I decided I didn't want. You know the stuff - you have x days to use it and then buy it or it locks. So once it had locked I uninstalled it. All fine as far as that is concerned, except that it has a pop-up reminder that it's locked and if I want it I should go and purchase it...this pop-up appears on startup every. bloody. time.

I know I need to go into the start up directory (or something like that) and I've taken a look but can't see that there is anything there.

Can anyone tell me the proper file I should be searching in to delete this bit of rubbish? It's not affecting my laptop or causing anything more than vague annoyance on my part...but I'd love to be rid of it!

Ta.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 11:35, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)