A lovely dinner
There was the time I thought it would be a good idea to take a couple of pills after an afternoon in the pub and just before heading off to a very posh dinner party with my gf. I'm told I refused to eat anything, knocked back a bottle of champagne before starters, drank straight from the water jug as the other guests looked on in horror, danced on my own in the living room (there was no music playing), ripped a hole in one of my hostess's fine linel napkins and wore it as a hat and talked utter bollocks to a tee-total guest (a city banker) about my love of gabba. Apparently I saved the best for last. When asked to leave at the end of the evening, I decided to exit the flat via the dining room window, which is on the third floor. My alarmed hostess sprang into action and attempted to wrestle me back in - an effort I rewarded by farting a big wet one right in her face. Amazingly, everyone forgave me.
(lookingglass, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 13:26, Reply)

A long and rambling road...
What comes of doing drugs for half your life? A load of half-remembered stories...

To try and summarise the best bits...
First time stoned - under a railway bridge in Oxford, with a couple of friends who were also at OCFE. Nothing happened apart from wanting to eat everything in sight. Yeah right, nothing happened!

First time on acid - a couple of blotters dropped whilst baby sitting. I spent the night after the parents came home sitting on the garden fence, on a bright moonlit night in autumn, looking at the cartoon mother hens in the sky looking down on me. After a while (it could have been 10 minutes, could have been a couple of hours) I went back to my bedroom to listen to some music. Spaceman 3 was no good but the colours in front of my eyes from listening to Mudhoney was amazing! I got bored of that and ended up getting into the carpet.

First time on a black microdot - dropped mid-afternoon on a late summers day. By this time I had been regularly tripping for a year (once every couple of weeks, or so) and thought that I could handle pretty much anything that my mind could throw at me... Coming up, sat in a deckchair in the garden of my Gran’s flat on Royal York Crescent in Bristol, I began to see knights in armour, on horseback, charging across the sky... Even now, 14 years after it occurring there is too much to say, but thats for my mind, not to bore other people stupid with!

My nights on acid or ‘shrooms have been damn strange, nothing comes near! All thats needed is for you (the taker) to be happy and secure in yourself, not like a friend who had a bad trip and spent 8 hours thinking that Pinhead from Hellraiser was out to get him. Not nice!

Coke is over-rated, good speed is more fun and much cheaper. Pills make me talk shit for hours on end, then give me jaw-ache... Squalid solid makes me sleep and skunk makes me stupid!

Remember kids, drugs are fun but if you fuck up, you are solely to blame!

Fuck, I could answer this question so many times over it would be embarrassing / boring!
(Tibbins, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 13:25, Reply)

fucked on spliff
Never had anything embarassing but two things spring to mind.

Me and an old flatmate for a fleeting moment fully understood the historical and social implications of the Roman Empire.

Then, with same flatmate, sat through Michael Jackson's Madison Square Gardens gig, sometime in the 1990's. On TV. Jackson appears on stage having flown in by Jet-Pack does his gig. Then flies out again. End of gig. Me and flatmate flabbergasted. We seriously began to believe Jackson was actually an alien sent onto earth to entertain.

By the way. I haven't seen my old flatmate for years but my last image is of him with head in hands crying:

'It won't ever end. It's never going to end."

Happy days.
(kevon45uk, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 13:21, Reply)

dazed and confused
at my house about a year ago, sampling some little ones(pills) with about 5 or 6 guys. It was mid way through the session and we were crashed out in my housemates bedroom, listening to some blues music.

I felt i had to physically demonstrate my love for the music in the state i was in, and whilst on the bed, looked round and saw a hockey stick, which i preceeded to play air guitar on, lying on the bed with my eyes closed.

After ten minutes or so, getting really into it, the guitar had become a bass and i was slapping faster than a chav with a cameraphone.

I suddenly realised that the instrument didn't feel quite right. I got up and stated to a silent room of fuck heads.....


"NICK, THERES NO FUCKIN STRINGS ON THIS BASS!!!"

the worst part was that i realised what i was saying as i opened my eyes and saw the aforementioned hockey stick in my hands.

no one laughed for a good ten seconds, they were all in a state of shock (possibly due to being higher then kites). i still haven't lived it down, but i'm actually quite proud cause its moments like that that make life worth it.

the moral of the story........

drugs are good, mmmkayyy.



long live bill hicks.
(join my cult, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 13:19, Reply)

Regrets?
I regret the numerous times I've over done it while getting the hang of a new substance and scared or upset my freinds. Or being somewhat liberal with my affections towards utter strangers. Or imagined my mates were somehow a threat and bombarded them with fire extinguishers (not the contents, the full metal cylinder- good job he's a strapping lad).
Ketamine is almost always immediately regetted, but that for me is the point. It's like snorting a temporary brain injury up your nose.
Another aquaintance fell off the front of the BBC Manchester Building on a speed and booze binge and earned herself a concussion and a bizarre night in A&E. I must admit the thing does cry out to be climbed, but safety first people.
Oh, and if your chosen dose makes you soil yourself, you took too much. Experience can be bitter.
(impostercat, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 12:57, Reply)

My mate ...
My mates had all been mushroom picking in the morning before this party we were going to. And picked a shit load - maybe a couple of 1000.

So obviously they all take big bags of 'shrooms to this party. Except that by the time they get there one of my friends (we'll call him A) has eaten all of his, and half an hour or so later decides he needs to go for a walk. Being kind and concerned friends we dispatch someone to keep an eye on him (who we'll call J). Which J does by stalking him - hiding behind parked cars/trees/fences - and jumping out on A.

Serves A right for eating all the 'shrooms!
(basshedz2, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 12:35, Reply)

drugs are bad mmkay
i seem to remember my first time taking anything other than weed.

my friend decided it would be funny to pump 6 e tablets into me, closely followed by 2 acid (strawberrys mmm). we then proceeded to walk around the village, trying not to get run over from bin wagons, running away from ducks, and generally just laughing at everyone. fun time.
(Geoff Leopard, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 12:26, Reply)

helloooooo
good question! I have lots and lots of stories the first one though is a story that still makes me laugh everytime I think of it.

A couple of years ago I got chatting to a boy I met on a music forum. We spent about 6 months chatting on msn and eventually arranged to meet up at a big rave.

That day I had bought 25 pills for 50p each and had the idea to sell them on. I arrive at this rave with my mates and I go to the meeting place and meet up with this boy lets call him John!

He was already pissed and he asked me if I had any pills so I gave him one and he asked for another, by this stage I was pretty gone myself so I handed it over and he asked for another one and another one, I thought he wanted them for his mates but to my horror I realised he had taken them all!

We was chatting for about 5 mins until he said "your pills are fucking shit" and with that walked away. I said to my mate oh well fuck him lets go dance.

About 20 mins later I was going to the toilet and by the fag machine I saw someone slumped over it with their tounge hanging out at one side, I realised it was John, I went over and asked him if he was ok but I couldnt make any sense of what he was saying, me and my friend walked him to the side and sat him down. He then proceeded to call me Bill, I asked him who Bill was he would look at me strangly and then ask who I was, I would say to him "its Fran, we met up earlier" to which he would reply "nah sorry mate dont know ya" he then started telling me about midgets falling from planes and also asking me to click on the red cross cos he didnt wanna be here anymore!

By this stage I knew he was just fucked and wasnt in any danger but decided to sit with him to make sure he was ok. I was smoking a joint and he kept asking for some, everytime I gave him some he would put the lit end in his mouth then throw the joint, so I had to keep getting it. he done this about 4 times until I just refused to give him any more smoke.

Then the creme de la creme of the evening..... my friend who was with me was drinking some water, she took a sip screwed the lid back on and John grabbed it off her, he undid the lid put the bottle to his ear and started shouting "what u calling me in a rave for, hello I cant hear you, what do you want" at the top of his voice, the water was all falling all over him and I dont think I have ever ever laughed so much in my life!

Remember kids drugs are bad!
(Fran, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 12:08, Reply)

this is a post for a friend who hasn't joined b3ta yet but wants to answer
"was back when me and a few mates decided to hit the castle (oldham), usualy consisting of arriving at opening hours, drinking until we're steaming, dance like tits (try and grope a bouncer), and then walk home in the rain whilst enjoying some form of "chicken" filled plastic tray, so night went as planned then the usual walk home, for some reason our beer jackets were a tad warmer than usual, we start doing army rolls and shit... not content with that we start fucking speaking in army speak, and ducking behind cars... as the walk goes on (bout 2miles home) we start screaming shit at each other, "GO GO GO!!" and running from behind cars to safer cover, basically imagine 3, 20 odd year olds, pissed as hell playing army, ended up with us having to part ways as my house was on a different street to the where the others were staying..... dont know bout those 2 but I ran all the fucking way home... semi crouched down.."to avoid ememy snipers"

"we were all doing stupid hand gestures at each other, being totally serious.... like pointing at eyes and shit.... I didnt know what the fuck it meant but I was soo into it hahaha"
( GrandmaOfShoes, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 12:03, Reply)

I remember (just)
Working out why we're here and solving the world’s political problems, whilst lying in an empty bath while my best mate was sitting cross legged on the toilet (both fully dressed) whilst on acid. My mum thought we had "had a couple of beers". Which was nice.
(smugit, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 12:01, Reply)

I'm sure I did something at the new years eve party 2 years ago....
It's just that, even now, I have no recollection.

Oh sure I can remember arriving. I can remember getting up for a bit of a boogie too.

But then I rememeber waking up the next day in my own bed at about 2pm feeling as rough as rough can be.

And whenever I see the people I was with that night, they all look at me with a knowing smile...
(bdgr can't think of anything witty to type here, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 11:29, Reply)

the joys of teleportation
earlier this year i experienced bona fide teleportation! no really i did.

my wife and i had made plans for the children to be at my folks and for us to go into town for a nice evening - just the two of us. some coctails, maybe some food. just a generally chilled night out.

best laid plans of mice etc..

first stop was reading's cafe iguana for some coctails. well 3 pints of long island ice tea and i was into party mood (ie. acting like a twat). i'd already started to hassle to 2 djs in the place ("so you like breaks? you know who i am? (as it happened they did) i'll hook you up with loads of rekkids gimme yer numbers) and was well into thinking i was still touring when a friend "arrived" (apparently i had called him) with some pills.

or a teleport machine as they turned out to be.

i remember very little of the next 6 hours. apparently the teleport device wasn;t working properly as we didn't go straight from the bar to my house as i suspected, but had stopped off at 2 local clubs and several houses of ill repute before returning to haze towers where i really came into my element.

to my mind though one minute i'm in iguana and it's 10pm the next i'm lying flat on my back in my back garden at 4am quite clearly off my swede!

apparently i'd been up to all manner of amusing antics - taking 2 hours to put some music on via the all new wireless media system at home. rolling around like some spazz to the delight of my wife and old friend and some bird we picked up along the way (apparently teleporting can do that). jumping around in the studio so much that i practicaly fractured my ankle (couldnt walk for 2 days. twas a lovely black colour).

at one point we were having a conversation about dinosaurs (!) and what omnivores ate. my reply - "well they mainly eat wooden doorhandles". hmmmm quite.
( MrHaze likes to poo, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 11:22, Reply)

the first time we got our little bro stoned
would have been about 5 years ago my folks had gone off on a swinggers weekend, well they say its a break but we found the k.y, anyway my older bro and i got a little bit of green a started smoking.
Our younger bro who was about 13-14 maybe asked if he could join us, after a few lung busters we went and chilled in the living room which was, once the curtins were closed the darkest most comfy place in the house.
Some how (i have no idea why) my little bro decided to crawl around imatating a diosour sticking hes neck out as far as he could and making rawwwwww type sounds this was very funny but soon we all drifted off to sleep in a vegatated state with the telly on.
I woke up sometime later to the sounds of "what the fuck" from my bro and ' twizzle sticks twizzle and you get two, well done jim, lets twizzle again oooooh sorry twizzle sticks say zero, you lose."

What the fuck, so with us all around the telly freaking out that we couldn't understand what the fuck was going on, our grandmother lets herself in a is stood behind us watching.

anyway cut a long story in to bite size bits, i don't think she knew that we were all out of our faces and thanks to some smooth talking by my older bro she left.

i can say i have never been so stoned and not wanted to die in my life it was amazing and if any of us say "twizzle sticks twizzle" it brings on instant giggles.




drugs are not cool as i found out in amstadamn, with in two hours of turning up with my college i got so fucked i whited, crashing out on the top bunk everyone keept smoking, which didn't help me all that much, cue my only opening my eyes or moving to run to the toilet to chunder, ever since i have been know as whiteeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


that and watching countdown with 5 people in a very small room and no one talking at all not even during the breaks.

sorry for the spelling mistakes i think drugs made me stiuepd






p.s i must admit the story sounds better in my head
(the dennis, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 11:19, Reply)

Getting drunk can strain friendships
So apparently, when I had a bit too much to drink on a night out and was talking to the girlfriend of a friend of mine, I apparently kissed her improperly though I don't remember any kissing happening. Anyway, monday comes around and I see this guy at school (was still in high school when it happened). He just comes up to me, says "touch my girlfriend again and I'll beat the living shit out of you." Then he just walked away. Had a bit of difficulty talking to him for a short while, though everything's fine now. Probably also thanks to drugs, as he's quite into weed and quickly forgetful.
(Psychosomatic Tumor Laugh your life cause there ain't much to cry for, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 11:14, Reply)

A number of people but none of them are me
I'm a good boy. I don't take drugs seeing as they are the the bane of the civilised mind. Unless they are really good ones, and then I'll take whatever you have, but only in the interests of science, you understand.

At a house party at uni, a friend of mine had dropped a couple of tabs & had vanished for a couple of hours. We were at a random house in a part of town that was quite rough & the gent in question had been known to vanish & end up in silly scrapes. So in our slightly fucked up state we were looking for him, but only in the hosue to begin with. There was a huge great big queue outside the bathroom & with a lot irate people shouting at whoever was inside to come out. They'd been in there for about 2 hours - but weren't passed out as you could here them talking. It was my mate. We eventually managed him to open the door so people could toilet - but he was really pissy with us as he thought he was nearly in there with a really hot girl. Or the showerhead, as it turned out to be.

In the 'dam in March this year a few of us took a wee weekend away. My friend Mikey had never taken any form of chemical barring alcool into his system. He wouldn't smoke so he was on cakes; now the more experienced of us warned mikey to take it very slowly so he wouldn't get too ruined. Did he listen? Did he buggery. Ended up making snow angels in the pissy, dirty snow. I had to pull him away from paying money & going to spend time with a lady of the night under a blue light (if you don't know what that signifies, go to the 'dam & hand over your 40 euros). His speech was reduced to repeating the word nuts again & again & again. Or talking in snoop talk & ending all words in 'izzle'. Fo' shizzle. No mizzle drugizzle for thizzle manizzle.
(Lord of the Pies, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 11:06, Reply)

All those people posting stuff about beiung chased by...
... giant Carnivorous Mars bar's and the like. It doesn't really work like that.......
(Pandaemonium, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 11:04, Reply)

water
off to a warehouse for a party, in the taxi, had couple of pills - should really get some water - stop at the next garage.

so as I'm at the window I start thinking: it's a warehouse, there'll be no taps... we might want a bottle each, or maybe three between us... no, hold on, there'll be other people there... shit, they might want some too...

I bought seventeen.

the taxi driver couldn't drive for laughing.
(eightAce, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 11:04, Reply)

The joys of Xtacy
My first experience was slightly distressing (for me anywho), I was at a gig with my g/f and a few mates.

We popped about 2 pills each and after about 30 mins I was in full swing.

After a bout of agressive dancing, I attempet conversation with my g/f. However every word that came out of her mouth was in russian (she was born there but can't speak a word of it normally), so I started to freek out.

I turned to my mate but he went cross-eyed and was trying to light an none existant cigarette. I think it was about 1am at this point.

My other mate was dancing with a speaker with a cocktail in his hand. God knows where he got that from as we were at a gig.

The next thing I know, I'm sitting with my leg bouncing up and down and I was unable to stop clenching my jaw.

I think that I must have taken about 3 or 4 altogether (lightweight) but I felt something bubbling in my stomach. I got up and ran to the toilet, but as I reached the door I realised it was too late.

Vomit left my mouth like water from a hose and splattered all over the door of the toilet. I went inside, cleaned myself up and laughted at the the poor sod wiping the door down on my way out.

What felt like 30 mins later, we were chucked out of the gig as the set had finished and it was 6am.
(Balron doesn't care how big his photos are, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 10:48, Reply)

The Strange Circle of Mushrooms & Cheese
When I was at college, a few mates and I bought into a large supply of mushrooms and planned to take them on a Friday night and have much fun!

We weren't sure on the best way to take them, so we made cheese sandwiches (using really, really strong cheese, and waited.

For me it kicked in as we walked into town, and I just started talking stupidly fast and utter bollox to boot, I then decided I was hyper-ventilating so I need water. I went downhill from this point so said friends left me outside Supermarket, I became seriously paranoid that these chavs next to me where planning on chasing me and beating me up. Then to make matters worse, I heard someone call my name and it was only my bloody doctor and family friend, through out the whole 2 minute conversation he stared at my eyes, I tried to convince him I had only just had a few pints, I fear he was doubtful, especially as ever 10 seconds he would ask ‘Are you ok….?’

Set off to pub again, started seeing stars decided I needed to make myself sick as that will make me feel better (its seemed like good logic at the time), so my mate and I decide to do the ole 2 fingers down the throat trick, didn't work and we just end up in a heap laughing.

The pub consisted of many strange moments, I made an epic poem regarding lemon tree's and candles, finishing with me staring at my hand for 10 minutes and announcing I had grown 4 extra hands. Blow-Job became the funniest word in the world, ever, only to us 3 though. We had spread round the pub because people where just getting annoyed by us collapsing in a heap laughing over the slightest thing. Though it became a great game to spot one my friends and mouth ‘Blow-Job’ and watched them break-down in laughter!

Anyway they wore off and I attempted to go home but ended up asking a mate if I could sleep in his car due to a strange man who was trying to convince me I was on heroin.
( Sheep in Socks it is illegal to take a lion to the cinema., Fri 16 Dec 2005, 10:47, Reply)

Poo
Pills make me poo, if I take them, I need a bog for when they come on. Unfortunately i was at this club and the queue for the gents wasn't moving. I ended up standing there with pants full of poo.

I havent taken a pill now for 5 years.
( Lando, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 10:39, Reply)

Exterminate!
Best drug story I ever heard?

Comes from a friend who dropped acid one night clubbing and started to fall into one seriously bad trip.

Wisely, he decided to ditch the club and head home as quickly as possible. The closer to home he got, the worse the trip and he eventually fell into a complete psychedelic meltdown.

He had one particularly harrowing episode when he was convinced he was being chased by Daleks and ended up cornered by them in an alleyway. Despite falling to his knees and pleading for his life, they still kept coming for him. So screwed up was he that he didn't leave his flat until Monday morning.

Funny thing was, that the Dalek episode seemed real... Must have been bad acid.

Our hero's confusion is resolved when he picks up the local newpaper on his way to work.

Upon reading the headline it all became clearer.... The shortcut past the back of the town hall... Being trapped in an alleyway by Daleks...

Turned out he'd had the misfortune to be running past the back of the town hall whilst tripping, just as the exhibits from the weekend's Dr Who convention were being loaded into the back of a van.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 16 Dec 2005, 10:22, Reply)

Ah, the joys of hindsight.
I should probably do this as a list. To clarify, the only substance I really partake in any more is weed- even pints are occasional now as I get absolute fuckers of hangovers.

Hmm.

Coke- came on to an ex who I probably shouldn't have done and made a total fool of myself. He's a gorgeous guy, but our relationship (both times) consisted of watching ER and smoking too many cigarettes. Oh, and when I say came on I mean an elephant masturbating furiously onto a photo of their lover whilst under a big flashing sign saying 'HORNY ELEPHANT' would probably be more subtle.

Beer/alcohol- Dear Christ. This is the other reason I don't drink. Went to see WASP- can't remember the gig but I can remember falling over about 90 times, having an argument at (note the 'at') my then boyfriend and breaking my hand on one of my tumbles.

Weed- girls, never fart while a man is going down on you. Even if you think it'll be the funniest thing ever. And NEVER burst out laughing whilst wheezing 'your... face... is.... priceless' afterwards. *shame*


It's horrid to say, but most of my embarrassing moments have been stone cold sober. I'm just not good at this social thing.

I'd apologise for dimensions but I can't be held responsible for any of my actions when CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST IN SIGHT!!!! *whoop!*
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 10:20, Reply)

Regret under the influence eh?
That’ll be me and a mate going to the pub while the people we were with suggesting we were mental for doing so. After eating chocolate laced with mushrooms, E, speed and various other pharmaceuticals of course.

We both came on just after managing to buy a pint at the local peoples local (think “The Slaughtered Lamb”), and the jukebox cd started skipping. It was Hendrix singing “Purple haze all in my brain – click - Purple haze all in my brain – click - Purple haze all in my brain – click - Purple haze all in my brain – click” repeatedly. I swear the pub jukebox must have know how to tip us over the edge once and for all.

This went on for probably no more than 10 minutes before we shambled out of the pub, drooling wrecks, but it seemed like an absolute lifetime…………
(Pandaemonium, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 10:01, Reply)

Many many moons ago.....
....I had had a good green day with an eighth of hash and was pretty skittled by about 8 in the evening. I watched the episode of brookside where Jimmy Corkhill took an overdose and nearly died. Heavens, my poor addled head did not take too kindly to that. The rest of the evening I variously


1. Thought poor Jimmy dying on the telly was me, not good
2. Almost rang my parents to make them come round and sort my life out and "make the drugs go away"
3. Was convinced that every noise was the police listening in the houses next door before they burst in and send me down for life coz I was such a bad and wicked man
4. Checked and rechecked the cooker and gas fires because one way or another, drugs or gas explosion, I was due to die that night, I HAD SEEN IT ON THE TELLY



and many more odd things I'm sure. Don't have these problems with beer, best stick to that methinks. Remember kids, drugs are great, but just sign this disclaimer please, it's nothing to worry about, you can read it later
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Fri 16 Dec 2005, 9:32, Reply)

Dublin Folly

When I was at university, me and 3 friends went to Dublin for a weekend. There was me, two Asian guys and Jones; a scouser with Irish parents.

Anish, (whose parents are Indian) said as we boarded the plane: "How do they treat dingers over there? (His words, not mine) 'Cause I ain't taking no shit."

Jones replied: "They're the friendliest people in the world. Remember, we're ambassadors for England, so no-one act like a cunt."

"Fair enough" we all thought and settled in to the flight.

When we arrived, we found a hovel of a hostel, only £5 a night in the city centre somewhere, and went out on a bender.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we all got boxed on pills, drink, etc, and managed to lose each other. I eventually managed to find my way back to the hostel at about 3am to see all hell breaking loose. Jones was standing arguing with the manager, who was screaming: “You fucking English, you’ve been coming to my country and pissing on us for centuries!”

Turns out ‘Ambassador Jones’ had come back and pissed on some guy’s bed “because he looks like Richard Branson.”

So we all get turfed out of the hostel and spend the next hour walking round the city trying to find a hotel to let us in. Eventually we do; I went to the wrong room, and slept till 3pm the next day. The cleaning ladies came charging in. “Jesus, we thought you were dead!” one said, before looking round he room, seeing all the empty Bud bottles I had nicked from the hotel bar, and the *ahem* tissue on the floor I had used for a wank I didn’t remember. “This is not use, this is abuse!”

I charged past them, and out onto the street. This was before the time of mobile phones kids, so I was stuck in a city I didn’t know, without any of my mates and absolutely fucked up. Eventually, through a message system that consisted on phoning a mutual friend in England, we managed to arrange to meet in the bar at the train station. By this point, the comedown/hangover/shame had really kicked in. I stood at the bar, shakingly drinking an orange juice and crying. Some bloke standing next to me asked me what the matter was. I pointed at the TV which was playing the video of ‘2 become 1’ by the Spice Girls.

“I’m just looking at that. It’s beautiful.” I told him; deeply and religiously moved. He called me a cunt.

Anyway, my mates eventually turned up, we all had a laugh, and then started it all over again.

Happy days.
(geegee, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 9:14, Reply)

Cant think off anything I said right at this moment.....
But years ago I had 4 mates who all lived together during their first year at uni. I was visiting them one weekend and after 2 long days off smoking the strongest skunk weed, we had all ran out of things to talk about.

It was at this point one of my mates, Warren, suddenly stood up, pulled his jeans up and said:

"hey lads, I'm wearing ladies tights!"

In the smuggest voice and this incredible smug expression on his face, and indeed he was wearing his girlfriends tights under his jeans.

We exploded into laughter and still rip the piss to this day
( Bamboo Steamer, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 9:13, Reply)

Windy Nook
This place actually exists, it's near Gateshead I think. The rest is, however, utter bollocks.

"I've got relatives in Windy Nook"
"Where's that?"
"It's a hill that goes up but doesn't come down"
"...."
"And dogs walk men. And hamburgers eat people. A popular drink in Windy Nook is Grimto. It's gravy made out of Vimto"
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 9:10, Reply)

A friends birthday..
After a particularly heavy 24 hours canning it, we ended up at a friends house, just 5 of us.

lots of talking having a laugh, and the topic of conversation goes round to my brothers girlfriends mum....

It turns out she was having a bit with a old school friend of mine.

So i proceeded to say what the fuck is he doing he needs to get a life.

Queue brothers girlfriend getting a little upset and asking 'whats wrong with my mum' my response 'I'm not being funny, but your mum's a fucking minger'

My mate in the kitchen of the house was bent over double in hysterics and I was trying my hardest not to laugh (so was my brother)

Luckily she doesn't remember the incident, though it doesn't matter now as they split up..
( pimpingeezer, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 8:57, Reply)

Coke and Viagra.
Charlie shrinks your willy but one gram of gak followed by 100mg of Kamagra turned me into the energiser bunny with an everlasting hard-on.

The poor burd I was fucking couldn't sit straight for two days.
(Cane: I love Sushi, Sobriety & Shotokan, Fri 16 Dec 2005, 7:55, Reply)

Conspiracy Theory...
Known Facts.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

I mean really.. who trusts horses to put an egg together anyway? Shouldn't the men have had the first go??

You'll note with interest that the reason for humpty's fall was not infact documented.

This gives light to some alternative story lines, one of which MUST be somewhere near true.

Humpty usually is portrayed as an anthropomorphised egg… someitmes with arms legs poking at at bizzarre angles, but mostly with the legs meeting to form some sort of stable base. Given that an Egg is an inherrently unstable shape (and unlike the weebles, egg's centers of gravity are not within the lower hempispherical portion of the body… leading to a cocky "won't fall down" attitude), it is likely that the only thing that stops our bald and shell-clad friend from toppling sideways is his arse. (wow.. imagine.. an egg with legs .. *giggle*)

Humpty was also of some importance… after all, it was all the king's horses and men who tried to patch him up. Why would they have charge of an eggy-boy, if he weren't loaded and of royal yolk? Eh??

Goood I can see you're with me *pass the doughnuts* so.. Right… he's a royal naturally unstable egg-boy, sat on the wall. We can safely assume that the young chap is not undressed, (we've all seen his silky trousers, and what illustrator wants to tackle the nightmare that would be an egg's testicles and winkie, plus the join between shell-body an humanoid legs… nightmare right.. Good… so he's got trousers.) *got any more of the custard doughnuts? They're amaazing*

Erm. Yeah. Trousers. Probably silk: he's posh after all. And sitting on a wall in silk trousers is a BAD idea…. You'll ruin them!! Unless.. The wall is smooooth. ahHA!! A tiled wall. So, he's wearing silk, on a smooth wall, and is inherrantly unstable. Now... royalty aren't stoners (well, not in the OLD days anyway) and they didn't have doughnuts (like these ones.. Hey, you know what? Try eating one without licking your lips… *giggle*) infact.. Royalty were most likely to eat Sushi and Gaspacho soup, and with Humpty being portrayed as FAT, he's sure to have eaten LOADS of it. Loads of Sushi can only do one thing…. The boy had the shits.

So… a fat, unstable rich eggy-boy with silk trousers and un-sketched genitalia is sitting on a smooth shiny wall while plagued with the shits…. But given that eggs don't have a nervous system, he won't have known this… Humpty probably shat himself thus reducing the "already perilously low" co-efficient of friction, between silk-clad egg-arse and nicely-tiled wall, and thus slipped to his own demise in a shitty shower of fishy-crap, only to be insulted by a bunch of Horses trying to stick him back together.

Yeah. That's probably it.

Or is it. I dunno… maybe All the King's Men had the munches and fancied a giant fekkin' omlette… and that's why...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 16 Dec 2005, 7:51, Reply)