Wedding Particles
The infinitesimal particles of 'wedding' that turn any easy job of work into a specialist area justified in charging a fucking fortune.

Wedding flowers -v- flowers
Wedding cakes -v- cakes
Wedding hairdressing -v- haircut
Wedding stationery -v- photocopying
etc
(MartinB9999, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 20:44, 10 replies)

Watching other people use the Internet
I don't consider myself a computer expert by any stretch of the imagination, but 99% of the time I see someone use the Internet, I find myself wanting to eat my toes in sheer frustration within about 30 seconds. When helping family members, it's all I can do not to yell "Click there! NO, THERE! THERE! WHERE I'M POINTING!"

Worse is when someone asks "Do you think I should click on this link?" I don't know, click it and see. What do you think the back button's for?

But what really has me foaming at the mouth is people who use Google to find every single website they visit i.e. find Facebook by typing "Facebook" into Google and clicking on the first link. How hard is it to start typing "Faceb" into the address bar? And a little bit of me dies every time someone in my house finds their email by Googling "Yahoo mail" even though I've helpfully provided a speed dial for it which shows up in every new browser tab.
(lolwhites, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 20:35, 4 replies)

James Martin
Specifically his pronunciation of 'butter'.


EDIT: I've just looked down and seen I'm not alone, howling at a James Martin shaped moon.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 20:28, 4 replies)

The Nun...
...who sat behind me on a flight out of Dublin last week and sodding *sang* all the way.

If it'd been Kum Bi Ya (with an acoustic guitar) I'd have just put it down to general nunnery.

But no, she had a score of Verdi's Requiem and was *butchering* the alto choral line, which she couldn't tell because she had some variety of music player on, presumably with the full recording playing, so couldn't hear herself.

Everyone else on the plane could though.

This went on from the departure lounge (20 mins before the flight) until disembarkation at our destination.
(MartinB9999, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 20:27, 4 replies)

Facebook
No, not what people post on it. Its very existence and that its trying to reinvent stuff we *already have* on the internet. IRC for example. To the extent that for some people, the existence of the rest of the internet is entirely superfluous.

And the fact that too many of my bastard friends & family think the sun shines out of its arse.
(MartinB9999, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 20:17, 3 replies)

Writing in an accent
a friend's girlfriend puts her FB statuses in Black Country speak. Makes her appear a retard.
(kitescreech still here, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 20:10, 2 replies)

While I'm on about books...
... see my previous answer what the frak is it with publishers not putting a blurb about the book on the back cover/inside dust cover (if hardback)?

Look, I get that it's well reviewed. Oh, it's won a few awards as well? Made it on a few 'best of' lists? Congratu-frakking-lations. But, here's the thing. If I can't find out what the book is about, while holding it in my hand in a bookstore, I really don't care if the cover features Kelly Brook and Christina Hendricks getting hot and heavy, it's been praised by every deity known to humankind and every single literary award just handed over and shut up shop as it will never be beaten.

I will not buy it. Why should I, with not even a basic idea of the story contained within.
(williamthebloody, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 19:32, 1 reply)

Jeff Goldblum

I have no idea why I hate him so. The mere sight of him drives me into an incoherent red rage, but I can't for the life of me figure out why.
(new_dawn, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 19:13, 1 reply)

HKLP
Holds Knife Like Pen.
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 19:12, Reply)

The fact that John Candy
was never in a Police Academy movie.

It just seems like he should have been.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 19:04, Reply)

Visible Egg White
You'll notice from the subject line this isn't an 'all-encompassing' hatred of Egg White. If it's been cooked in a cake, meringue etc. or even an Omlette I can handle that with ease (well, almost with ease in the case of the Omlette)
but there are two instances when egg white makes my stomach turn:

1.) Boiled Eggs. I enjoy a Boiled Egg Yolk, but the white gets left in the shell, can't stand the texture of it.

2.) Fried Eggs. This is a little trickier to get around. I have been known to spend considerably longer in dissecting every scrap of egg white from a fried egg than I have in eating the yolk that's left over.

EDIT: Thinking about it, there is a third option as well: Poached Eggs. Never had one, never want to. I treat them as the possible catalyst that will turn inward dry heaving into an outward expression of the same.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 18:52, 3 replies)

The way James Martin says "Butter".
In that fake fucking Yorkshire trying to sound posh fucking way.
CUNT.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 3 Apr 2011, 18:45, 4 replies)

Cotton Wool
I dunno what it is, but that stuff goes right through me. I can't even touch the stuff without feeling repulsed.

Am I not normal?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 18:07, 2 replies)

laminate floor
But not for the same reasons. We put proper wooden flooring down in the living room. Because it's on a concrete floor, nobody wears shoes in there and that it's a good 10mm thick means there is hardly any noise.

My gripe is with visitors who comment on it and I have to correct them and tell them that it's not laminate flooring at all. In fact it doesn't even look like it. Bloody philistines.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 18:06, 1 reply)

Bear Grylls
Cock-eyed piss-drinking twunt!
(hadr0n Craic whore, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 18:03, Reply)

It's a texture thing
Sandpaper.

Can't stand it, can't stand even thinking about touching it. The texture just gives me the dry heaves. We currently have some in the house and it sits in a corner goading me and gathering dust as I can't bring myself to move it.

Also, people who mispronounce words like nukular, pacific, arx, would of, proply, ikkul etc, but no doubt that's been done to death by now.
(new_dawn, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 18:03, 4 replies)

On the roads (including appropriate punishments for transgression)
Cyclists:
1) Red-light ignorers: They obviously have no use for their eyes. Tear them out and fill the bleeding sockets with lemons and salt. Obey the Highway Code, fuckwits.
2) Pavement jockeys: Only fit to be smashed in the face with a bat. Get on the road, retards.
Car drivers:
1) Red-light ignorers: Treat as cyclists, but add some chilli pepper.
2) Stop-line incompetents: Cars stop at the FIRST stop-line. The advanced stop-line is for cyclists (where it exists). Simply chop off and crush any part of the car that extends beyond the first stop line. Hopefully that includes the driver.
3) Non-indicators: Usually BMW drivers. Usually total cunts. Snap each bone in each finger with pliers. And what does BMW stand for? "Big Massive Wanker".
Bikers:
1) Licence minnows: Simply insert the sub-size plate into the offender's rectum. Sharpen the edges first.
2) Street-stunters: Get Kevin Carmichael to do a burn out on their genitalia. Then tell the stunters to use a close track next time.
All:
1) Poor lane discipline: Not keeping left, not letting others pass etc. Just publicly execute them. With spoons.
(SpangleDangle >->)))'>, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 17:53, 6 replies)

Laminate flooring
The mention of property shows brought this one to mind.

I hate this stuff. I really don't see the point of it. Hey! Lets put down something that's easily scratched to buggery, has a polished surface so you risk sliding around on it, and amplifies every footstep. And it's all the fault of these fucking property shows that there's so much of it about.

I'm stuck in a badly designed terrace with no proper sound insulation. So what did I get a couple of years back? A couple of scum bucket property developers turn up next door, make an absolutely horrendous racket for months, couldn't give a shit about anyone who was put out by it all, then turn around and install laminate flooring throughout the property turning the place into a socking great echo chamber. I could hear them taking a piss with the door open. I now have to listen to the people they screwed over when they sold it clomping around in their shoes day in, day out.

Ban the stuff, ban it now! Nowt wrong with carpet!
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 17:46, 1 reply)

"Vaguebooking"
Urban Dictionary describes this as:

"An intentionally vague Facebook status update, that prompts friends to ask what's going on, or is possibly a cry for help."

I bloody hate this. The most annoying part is that if you try and put a witty remark you justify the original post.

Whilst on the subject of Facebook.

I have two "friends", who are actually my wifes friends who do this all the bloody time as well as update everyone on every aspect of their life. They recently moved house and I had every detail. Twice over. It got to a point where i almost deleted them from my friends list but could not because my wife worried they might get offended. They even have the same bloody family portrait profile pic so its really fucking annoying.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Sun 3 Apr 2011, 17:38, 10 replies)

With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan. (Sorry if it has been done)
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list -- I've got a little list,
Of society offenders, who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed:

There's the person hawking Bible class on British Rail trains,
All people who asked, "How are you?", complain about their pains,
The loudmouth with an anecdote that no one asked to hear,
Especially one that leaves you with a sense of morbid fear,
Vegetarians, Greens, Communists and Fundamentalists,
They'd none of them be missed -- they'd none of them be missed.

Chorus:
He's got 'em on the list -- he's got 'em on the list,
And they'll none of them be missed -- they'll none of them be missed.


There's the troll who posts a comment in an effort to offend,
He should go and slash his wrists -- I'll kick him off the list!
And those who think apostrophes are just a passing trend,
Apostrophes are missed -- but THEY would not be be missed!
And the BBC reporter on apocalyptic scenes,
She says: "It's radioactive, but I don't know what that means."
The banksters who have robbed us. Yes, you know they're on here too,
And their paid-for politicians, sometimes red and sometimes blue,
AND ANYONE WHO DOESN'T POST A PICTURE TO THE LIST,
You know he'd not be missed -- he never would be missed.

Chorus:
He's got him on the list -- he's got him on the list;
And I don't think he'll be missed -- I'm sure he'll not be missed!

And the man who sells dictators arms, then bombs their countries flat,
The Neo-Imperialist -- I've got him on the list!
And people who sport goatees and a silly woolen hat,
The Hipster's on my list -- you know he'd not be missed!
Then there's fat people and thin people and people not like me,
All foreigners and racists, to a similar degree,
And pessimists, and optimists, both really get me down,
And people's screaming children whom they ought to bloody drown,
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of them be missed, they'd really not be missed.

Chorus:
You may put 'em on the list -- you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed -- they'll none of 'em be missed!
( An Egg ,D, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 17:32, 2 replies)

property shows
Not the programs themselves, it's the people on them. Ignoring the fact that they all seem to have a budget of 450k, they go wander about a house and suddenly go from speaking English, to talking like an estate agent. Don't say the place has potential, nobody says that about a house and your attempts to sound intelligent just backfire every single time.
And if you ever use the hackneyed phrase 'light and airy', I will start a facebook campaign for someone to pull your lips off with pliers.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 17:12, 2 replies)

decking
Not knocking someone spark out. The wooden platform stuff that people adorn their gardens with. I would try and justify but that would do my blood pressure no good and also defy the point of the QOTW.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 16:21, 2 replies)

One specific person and I don't actually know who they are.
The idiot who walked up behind me last night, pushed me over and then demanded to have my phone. For some reason I cant explain, I hate that fucker.

(He didn't get anything out of me tho)
(funkatron, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 16:21, Reply)

Martine McCutcheon
Snackpotssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
(terrorbite, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 16:06, 4 replies)

Using the words "we would ask"
Generally at supermarkets, as in:

"In the interests of hygiene, we would ask customers to xyz"
(fatboybubba, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 14:44, 4 replies)

Crikey, I have an awful one
EYES.

Eyes are vile, disgusting things. How people wear contact lenses I will never know.

I don't have a clue where this has stemmed from, but the thought of touching my eyes or having to try and get something out of my eye is actually gip-worthy.

People I know wear contacts and say they don't see what the issue is. NO. You're wrong. If eyes were meant to be touched, we wouldn't have eyelids. If it was ok to get things in your eyes, you wouldn't have that bloody protective barrier of hair above them to stop falling debris and the likes.

Some of my friends touch their eyeballs just to see me cringe and squirm. This is unacceptable behaviour. If I told them I don't like having things up my bum (which I don't, but I don't really have to say that, its normally presumed) they wouldn't just get their rusty sheriff's badge out and finger themselves, because it would be frowned upon. THIS SHOULD BE CONSIDERED THE SAME WITH EYES.

Anyone remember on Guinness World Records (the TV show) with those absolute FREAKS who could make it look like their eyeballs were about to pop out their fuckin' stupid faces? That is my personal idea of hell. Having people wonder around with giant bubble wrap faces where their eyes are dangling around. And my eyes being the same. Makes me shiver with disgust just thinking about it.

I had to have eye drops once, when I found out that I'm allergic to horse hair by my eyes swelling up to inconceivable football sized levels. It was possibly the worst experience of my life, having to be forcibly pinned down to have the drops, because I flat out refused to take them.

In biology at school we had to disect a sheep's eye. The smell was indescribable, and made an awful sort of popping noise when we cut into it. The eye cord (was too focussed on not being sick to listen to that bastard teacher Miss Golly tell us the proper names. Didn't like her before, hated her afterwards) was the most vom-inducing thing i have ever touched.

Just think about yours now. Just sat there in your head. Never really thought about your eyes before have you? That's right, feel sick.

Eyes. EYES. EEEEEEEEYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Sun 3 Apr 2011, 14:35, 20 replies)

lost
no, not the t.v show, but when people say they've lost someone.
"oh yes, i lost my husband last year".
no, he died. losing implies that you might find him again. you won't. he's not shoved down the back of the sofa cushions or rammed in a kitchen drawer, he's dead.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 14:06, 10 replies)

All the animals come out at night - whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets.
(Kitty Fantastico "Dwarf, Anorexic and In a Fight ", Sun 3 Apr 2011, 13:52, 3 replies)