Tiny fragments of letters left on black/whiteboards when someone tries to wipe it clean
It bugged me at school, it bugged me through college, I'm doing evening classes now and it bugs me more than ever. I realise it's some kind of OCD problem but if you're going to wipe the board clean GET EVERY LAST SQUIGGLE off it.
( thecrapgatsby isn't listening LALALALALALA, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 17:28, Reply)

I've had another think
People who say "at this moment in time" when they mean "now" deserve all they get. What they get should involve pain.
People who use reflexive pronouns incorrectly need to have English lessons beaten into them with nail-encrusted floorboard.
Where in all creation did someone get the idea that the bog roll should unroll from the bottom of the roll? Aaaargh!
Whoever invented karaoke should have his achievement tattooed on his forehead with a pickaxe.
(The Jannie, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 17:20, 1 reply)

Me Vs. Them
A bit of explanation is required first.

I ride a bicycle. A lot. It is one of my genuinely favourite things to do – I don’t drive, so it gives me some freedom to get around and it also keeps me relatively in shape. I enjoy very few things more than going out by myself for a good couple of hours and cover myself in mud and sweat. Yes – on occasion I wear lycra trousers. In the winter, these are pretty much a necessity. I also wear gloves, cycling shorts (with under-shorts) when the weather permits, specific shoes and the rest of the general getup. I abide by the rules of the road and am very aware of my surroundings – if I get hit by a car it doesn’t really matter who’s fault it was, it’s still going to be my problem. Likewise, I look out for pedestrians when I’m on a cycle path as I know who any onlookers are going to side with if there’s a problem.

I also use an iPad. It’s not that I’m the bastard love-child of Steve Jobs and a MacBookPro – I have a few other Apple appliances because they’re easy to use, functionally and aesthetically tasteful(ish). I use an iPad because it does what I need – I’m often on the move and it gives me easy access to my e-mails, books, films and music whilst also being able to keep me entertained and informed through the ease of 3G. I know that I could use a smart-phone for this, but they just don’t suit me personally.

Finally, I like vodka. Neat. Maybe with a couple of lumps of ice, but it has to be good. Yes – I will turn my nose up if I ask for a neat vodka and somebody offers me that distilled formaldehyde that passes for Smirnoff. Yes, I will be a snob and ask for brands that few people have heard of, and yes – I will happily pay what many people think is an extortionate amount for a large measure of transparent liquid that they think tastes like burning. The simple reason is that I enjoy a good vodka – nothing more, nothing less.

So here’s the irrational hatred – I hate the fact that other people look at me and judge me for what I’m doing/using/drinking. They make an assumption on what I happen to have with me rather than actually knowing me. I hate the fact that people think I’m a self-serving, smug, egotistical prick for using things that I actually like. They’re not a fucking lifestyle choice and they don’t tell somebody who I am, so why the fuck should they make a judgement about me?

It’s THEIR irrational hatred, and I fucking hate them for it.
( Hunter Stockton was murdered by a bicycle wielding axolotl,.,.,.,., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 17:09, 23 replies)

internet dating.
Every time it's the same: I send a message to someone online. She gets back to me. We start to exchange messages. Eventually I suggest meeting up. We meet up. We get on well.

And then it never. Goes. Anywhere.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong / failing to do. The site's here if anyone wants to look at my profile (apeloverage, same as on b3ta).
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 17:03, 2 replies)

I am a raging sea of hate and vitriol
Someone in another department just sent me an email with both a "delivery receipt" and a "read receipt".

You could probably boil an egg on my parietal lobe right now.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 16:51, 3 replies)

ARGH!
It is a fairly nice form of greeting so i shouldn't be so pissed off by it.

But it grinds, when people say "What's up"

"MY MIDDLE FINGER, NOW FUCK OFF YOU CUNT"
(Pectacular Almost spectacular...but somethings missing!, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 16:46, 5 replies)

Random
It's not "random" its deterministic, you cunt.
(teebie jeebie, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 16:45, 7 replies)

Alan Carr
I know it isn't irrational to dislike Alan Carr. But I hate his 'comedy' far more than is healthy. I'm actually seething with rage just typing his name.

I don't get why Alan Carr is so very successful. He's just not funny, and as far as I have ever seen, completely devoid of wit. He punctuates all of his punchlines by scrunching up his stupid face, and (if you notice) audiences often laugh in cue with his silly faces rather than the culmination of his joke (unless it's one of those lowest common denominator 'ooh willies' type 'jokes' that he has built a career out of).

Why is he on the radio? Why? Is it because someone at the BBC made the following argument?
Paul O'Grady = perfectly inoffensive radio 2 host
Paul O'Grady = Gay
Paul O'Grady = Channel 4 presenter
Therefore
Gay + Channel 4 presenter = perfectly acceptable radio 2 host
I think it is.

You might say: "Hey Levi, you know, Alan Carr's type of humour really isn't aimed at you, it's not surprising you don't find him funny." But that is such bollocks.

Like most people under the age of 50, I'm no fan of camp humour. I think it's old hat, and probably hinders the gay cause more than it helps, and unless innuendo has that tension of "I can't believe they said that" or "how clever they are to get that past the censors" or "only about 10 people in this room understood that reference to that sex act" it's just not funny. But when I see Graham Norton or Paul O'Grady, or even (back in the day) Julian Clary, even though I wouldn't buy tickets to see them or anything, I can at least recognise that they are professionals, and very talented, very funny individuals who probably deserve a career on the telly. When I see Alan Carr I just think - you could go to any gay bar in Britain and find one of a million gay men who have exactly the same schtick, but with several times the wit and natural comedic ability.

I just can't fathom his massive, runaway popularity. Here's my hypothesis:
Some people are so earth-shatteringly thick that they find most stand-up comedians baffling, incomprehensible, inaccessible, and therefore annoying and even offensive. Then a comedian comes a long with no discernable talent whatsoever, who is willing to say 'willy' and then scrunch his face up in public ad infinitum, whose entire on-stage persona is reducible to a few lazy stereotypes, and who is very nearly equally as thick as the great unwashed masses who had previously felt alienated even from a form of culture as simple as joke-telling, and so they flock to him like he's the new messiah and buy all his stupid fucking DVDs.

Apologies. Just, apologies.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 16:43, 7 replies)

Hipsters
Not teh pants type, teh human turd type.

I would happily stab each and every one of the cunts' eye sockets repeatedly with a rusty tin-opener.

For my reasons I give you (and these are just the tip of the iceberg); a)Living in Ibiza for ten years and seeing them wear skinny jeans, scarves and pork-pie hats in 40 degree heat
b) Massive spectacles with no lenses in. FUCKING WHY?
c) For pictoral evidence www.latfh.com and www.gocryemokid.com

Vitriol doesn't even start to cover it.
(Mao's stepson is doing his bit for East/West relation's, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 16:30, 3 replies)

"the babby"
Nothing seems to boil my piss more than people (black country types usually but I've heard it elsewhere) who refer to their children regardless of their actual age as "the babby"

eg: "oim ganna get the babby from colleeege"

:o(
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 16:26, 2 replies)

People who try to imply being middle class is a bad thing.
Shit I'm sorry - I appear to work hard for a decent wage and thus can afford nice things.

What's that, Bob Crow? Oh - you DO rent a council house at below the market price despite being on more than 5 times my wage? Boo fucking hoo. Now, go on - tell me about how my parent's choices for my education are my fault, and how I perpetuate the system by oppressing the working masses, you blithering idiot.

While you're at it, have a pop at Ian Hislop when on public television, too - that will make you look really clever.

And don't get me started on the fucking "Socialist Workers Party" - grow up, you fucking students - you're 40 years old - buy a new jumper, you scumbag.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 16:24, 6 replies)

People who say things 'make their blood boil'
That really gets my goat.
And people who say things get their goat.
That really makes my blood boil.
I'm still OK with boiling goats, though.
(bravenewmalden, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 16:00, 6 replies)

bad kids tv
i have a 3 yr old daught and while she is into good childrens shows like Adventure Time and Dogtanian (yes we bought it her on DVD) she is also into terrible, awful stuff like Special Agent OSO. and by special they mean the stupid fucktard of a character needs detailed instructions to cut a cake or stand in a queue. BUT IS ALLOWED TO DRIVE A CAR. Also the creepy little shit spies on children with hidden cameras in their bedrooms and no-one thinks this wrong. but most of all it's how fucking dumb he is. It's patronising to 2 yr olds and i have had to watch far too much of it.
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:51, 3 replies)

People who hold their knife like a pen,
it doesn't make you look posh, it makes you look like a twat who is struggling to cut up their food.
(Kip, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:50, 6 replies)

Bald men wearing wigs
I know this is a personal thing for some men, who set great store by their thatch, so never quite come to terms with it when it starts to go, especially if it goes in mid life.

I went bald in my early 20s, and all the male members of my family over the age of 30 on both sides were slapheads, so I suppose I was ok with the idea of it happening to me. As a kid I remember my dad having a ridiculous combover every bit as daft as the one in the old Hamlet ads, and so when he eventually gave up on that and got a straightforward buzzcut it was cause for celebration in our house, not admission of defeat.

To point is, when a sleb with a very obvious syrup comes on the telly, I find myself getting a bit agitated that they're presenting themselves under false pretences. It's especially true of people who've been in the public eye a long time, and have been balder in the past than they are now. To wit:
Elton John
Terry Wogan
Bruce Forsyth
Brendan Fraser
Austin Healey and the other assorted rugby players and cricketers who advertise baldness "treatment"* on telly
And my mate Paul, who's generally a diamond and quite happily spends 99% of his time bald, but seems to think he's more likely to pull on a night out if he wears one of his collection (yes, he has more than one) of wigs, all of which look like the pubic hair of a nylon giant dyed different shades of unnatural. He wears them like hats - he'll take them off if he gets hot and put them back on again to go outside, the big nob-end. Needless to say he hasn't had a shag to my knowledge as long as I've known him (he may have been to a hooker, but we aren't that close and I'm not that nosy), but that has far more to do with the whiff of desperation he exudes from every pore than his follicular deficiencies...

It just feels so irrational because Paul's a really good bloke, but every time I see him poncing about with a collar length blond pudding bowl wig I just want to punch his lights out. Presumably for "betraying" some unspoken and non-existent slaphead brotherhood.

*Treatment? Male pattern baldness is not a fucking disease, it's normal.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:35, 20 replies)

Minutes over moments
I slump a little when I hear people say 'at the minute' instead of 'at the moment'.
(bravenewmalden, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:34, 1 reply)

Richard Hammond
I doubt I need to give reasons.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:32, 3 replies)

Jeremy Cunting Vine
No idea why I hate him so passionately, but every time I hear his voice on the radio my blood boils.
( parttimedogfish is a Born-Again Reincarnationist, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:29, 3 replies)

Facebook posts
that are puctuated with lol, rofl and pmsl

And people who post "good morning" (or variants) every morning.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:27, 1 reply)

Text speak.
That thing Gordon Brown does when he inhales. People who repeat themselves. Parents who call their children ridiculous names. The indecisive. Reduced salt/sugar baked beans*. People who don't have their money ready when buying stuff. People who rush to be the first to make a bad or recycled joke about a recent tragedy. "Keep apart two chevrons." Rebellious teenagers. Aquarians. People that relay their night out/holiday/life on facebook. Single function devices that don't work. Asterisks with no explanation. Definately. Not being allowed to hit kids. Jeremy Kyle. People who look at their phone while you're talking to them. Ppl who answer their phone mid-conversation. Stupid people on quiz shows. It being frowned upon to ridicule fat people. Religious tolerance. The intolerant religious. You-Tube comments. Noticing, like, someone repeatedly, like, uses a word making you wait for them to, like, use it again rather than actually, like, listen to them. People listing rational hatreds. People who repeat themselves. Opening a door for someone who doesn't say 'thank you.' The decisive. My daughter Taloolah-boo's annoying laugh. Astrology. Having to end lists with something poignant or resounding.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:17, 4 replies)

Huffing instead of laughing
Terribly well bred horsey women do this most often, as far as I can tell. They'll be relating an hhhhhhhhilaaaaaaaaaaarious anecdote about how "little Oliver told the lady in Blackwell's bookshop to fuck off because she had put the Ogden Nash poetry anthology back in the Children's section HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and then when he told his nanny about it she asked if that was the same man who wrote the poem that starts 'Spring is sprung' HHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH so little Ollie told her in no uncertain terms that no, Ogden Nash didn't write that - it was anonymous HHHHUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and besdies she shouldn't interrupt him while he was playing Grand Theft Auto 67 HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH which is terribly useful because it teaches him the correct way to deal with social workers and liberals and socialist and anyone else who wears tweed in the city on a weekday HHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" for fifteen minutes solid.

HHHHHUUUUHHHHHHHHHHH isn't a replacement for laughter in such cases, but merely a way of signalling that you're supposed to be laughing at the user's erudition and wit, and their total and utter disdain for anyone who doesn't share their interests and preoccupations.

I share and office with one of these people (in this particular instance, a woman, though it's not limited to women) and, while she works a part-time day of five hours, at least four of them are spent braying and huffing in this fashion. Thankfully little of it is directed at me, so I can quietly get on with some of the work she's supposed to be doing. (And mooching about on b3ta, of course.)
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:08, Reply)

2nd time moan: people talking in French
Im really sorry..I know French/Some Belgian/some Swiss etc etc people speak French...I get it..its their language, their mother tongue and to the sane, liberal minded, easy going part of me that's that and all fine with me...its just the sound of it and all those vowels and 'er, er, er' pauses that for some reason really grips my shit.
It must be the sound of the words or the fact that in my chippy, bitter lower class mind it sounds pretentious and snooty or the speed they speak at or the horrid paranoia I have that they're talking about me..whatever it is, the intolerant,irrational part of me really doesn't care for it at all.. so can you stop speaking French with all that 'je ne bleuh bleuh bleuh ' nonsense and please have the decency to speak another language that doesn't sound so irritating and poncey to my repressed inner Alf Garnett.
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 14:58, Reply)

Just One
Keyboards with just one windows key.

It's not good enough that the keyboard already holds one...im too frigging lazy to use two hands and it becomes a hand-cramp-inducing stretch to lock the computer with the windows key - L shortcut!
(Pectacular Almost spectacular...but somethings missing!, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 14:49, 8 replies)

A personal favourite of my mother's:
Bette Midler.

Probably because my mum played her records ad nauseum when I was little, but I absolutely cannot stand the woman. I'd rather have my teeth drilled than listen to her. Even the slightest reminder of her existence is enough to send me into paroxysms of rage.

Yes, I'm talking to you, Shambolic.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 14:49, 2 replies)

Stopping at roundabouts!
Now there is a perfectly reasonable reason why people do this*, but that doesn't stop it making my blood boil:

If there is nobody on the roundabout when you approach it, keep going. Do not f'ing stop to take in the view. The number of times I have nearly rear-ended a car because I have been looking right to see if there is anything I need to give way to without realising some moron has stopped dead in front of me. Buggers.




*Up until 1805 or something the Highway Code told you to stop at a roundabout apparently.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 14:30, 5 replies)

Cucumber
It taints all other sandwich fillings, even after careful removal.

And besides, I don't want to eat anything with "cum" in it...
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 14:29, 5 replies)

Jaw cracking
My brother's jaw used to crack - like a knuckle cracking - every time he bit down on whatever he was eating. Nobody else at the table seemed to mind but it went straight through me and I'd have to go somewhere else to eat. Rational?
(Hypergluco, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 14:27, 3 replies)

Simples.
Peoples.

Peeps.

Yous.

Random.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 14:16, 1 reply)