Ladieswear! Relatives! Beards! Jizz!
My aunt is responsible for a very upmarket ladieswear store aimed at wealthy, middle-aged, ladies who like to spend significant sums of money on items of clothing. They appreciate the boutique nature of the stores, the high level of service and are typified by two celebrity clients, Judi Dench and Delia Smith.

Several months ago, this client based increased in an unexpected way. While in the back office doing some paperwork, my aunt (known only as E, for the sake of her anonymity) was disturbed by the shriek of one of her tweenie staff members. Heroically running to the scene, E was surprised by the sight of a stocky man with a five o clock shadow preening himself in front of the mirror wearing an evening dress (bias cut, apparently), and sporting a substantial erection.

"How do you think I look?" asked the bearded (and thoroughly prepared) weirdo, pouting his freshly carmined lips, pushing forward a stiletto clad foot and displaying his balloon breasts.

"Not terribly good" said E, dragging him from the mirror and parading him around the shop, exposing him to the ridicule of those nearby, before offering a little constructive criticism as to how to improve his appearance.

Explaining that purple really wasn't the right colour for him, and the his natural shape needed some improvements, she bashed his balloon-tits down closer to his waist "After all, dear, you are over 40 you know" before suggesting he may find more suitable clothing elsewhere.

He left, quickly, and E relaxed, feeling satisfied at defending her satff and ridding herself of a pervert. In fact, she felt as though she had had the last laugh.

Six months later (in fact, three days ago!) he returned to the store. He picked up a velvet dress and stroked it, mewing appreciatively. After four minutes of this, he left the store. Two days ago, he returned, while E was again in the office. She came out at the request of the shop-girl, before asking where he was. He'd left, but had been trying on scarves, leaving one poking out of a handbag that was ther as par of the display.

While asking her staff why the velvet-stroking nutjob had been let into the changing rooms again, E went to recover the scarf. She bent to pick it up, took a firm grip, and discovered her hand was slightly stickier than it had been before.

Gasping in horror, she opened the scarf and discovered that her hand was now in a substantial deposit of population paste.

Wherever he is now, in his lair, surrounded by suitable sniffable, slightly soiled schoolgirl's scanties, hemmed in on all sides by pervert's paraphenalia, our bearded tranny is chuckling away, confident the last laugh is his.

However, bollock champagne does identify people pretty accurately so, as the Old Bill are aware of most local perverted and public-exposure oriented gender-benders, the last laugh is, in fact, yet to be decided...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sat 5 Feb 2011, 19:57, 23 replies)

I bet he's a PEEDO or an IMIGRUNT as well.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 20:42, closed)

Why?
It's not a children's clothes shop, and he seemed to be English.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 10:41, closed)

Why would the old bill be aware of gender benders?
I missed the bit when being trans gender was made a crime.

He just sounds like your common or garden pervert though.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 5 Feb 2011, 22:02, closed)

Makes me think of this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=6npfjWoBCRM
(RJWEcology is just sharpening his axe on, Sun 6 Feb 2011, 10:57, closed)

When mentioning gender-benders, I did mean perverts who whack off in shops..
Perhaps I should have been clearer, for the dimmer amongst you.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sun 6 Feb 2011, 12:02, closed)

There is a huge difference
between people who are trans gender and people who wank in public.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 6 Feb 2011, 17:18, closed)

Totally this...
with added 'you fucking idiot'.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Sun 6 Feb 2011, 17:30, closed)

I'm glad someone pointed this out

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Sun 6 Feb 2011, 18:39, closed)

Speaking as someone who is transgender...
...I have never whacked one off in public. Is it too late to start now?
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Sun 6 Feb 2011, 20:48, closed)

Not at all, nock yourself out.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 7 Feb 2011, 16:23, closed)

Congratulations on mashing the keyboard and spelling words as a consequence.
You know, you do take things a bit too seriously sometimes.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:16, closed)

*BEEP* This Tory is a belligerent pleb...
*BEEP* This Tory is a belligerent pleb...
*BEEP* This Tory is a belligerent pleb...
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 6 Feb 2011, 23:55, closed)

Oh I get it.
It's like when people say 'homosexual' to mean 'paedophile'.
( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 0:57, closed)

Oddly enough
transgender and pervert are not synonymous. You can't substitute them in for each other.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 4:12, closed)

I accept that, it's perfectly accurate.
However the local plod do have tabs on a number of local perverts who happen to be trans-gender.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 8:43, closed)

The police keep records of everyone who engage in wrong sex, basically anything that isn't missionary position with the lights out.

I once lightly stroked Mrs RoF buttocks, but we were on holiday in France at the time, so i think we got away with it.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 6 Feb 2011, 13:09, closed)

If this did happen in Brighton
as is inferred below, then the plod will have a whole division devoted to records of people who do wrong sex. I hear there are gayers there.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 6 Feb 2011, 17:41, closed)

I hear the same
and believe it's the exact reason my sister moved there...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:30, closed)

I highly doubt that they are going to use genetic fingerprinting to track him down
Also, what she said ^
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 22:05, closed)

I dunno - he's clearly left DNA and if it matches on the database then surely it's proof of a crime.
I know that I've seen friends/acquaintances convicted of petty (and serious) crimes as a result of leaving blood or saliva on crime scenes - from little things like gozzing in someone's face (horrible, but not major crime) through to serious crime.

I'd have thought that bashing off in a shop and leaving a deposit would count as criminal damage at the least, with potential for some assault/endangerment based charge (eg spitting is considered to have serious consequences if the spitter has HIV, Hep C or something, raising the crime to a higher level than merely being a disgusting insult).

I'm no expert though.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 10:45, closed)

bollock champagne. nice
( 4Q just lurking, Sun 6 Feb 2011, 4:32, closed)

This isn't a shop in Brighton, is it?
My suspicions were aroused by the mention of Judi Dench, and then confirmed by the probability of that kind of velvet-fetishist residing in our fair and liberal town. If so, I'm going to give a big supportive grin to your impressively brave aunt next time I pass it (although maybe only metaphorically, in case she worries she's become a nutter-magnet).
(slitherytove, Sun 6 Feb 2011, 12:33, closed)

No, it's not Brighton
it's a posh town in Suffolk.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 10:41, closed)

OH MAN THOSE TRANNIES. LOCK 'EM ALL UP.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Sun 6 Feb 2011, 14:38, closed)

I've heard disasterprone laughed when he heard about the Matthew Shepard case.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 6 Feb 2011, 23:59, closed)

I've heard disasterprone goes on Combat 18 marches and stamps on people's faces if he thinks they're trying to deny him his "human rights" and "freedom of speech".

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 0:09, closed)

I've heard disasterprone is from Basildon, has eight children, has never held down a job in his life and goes round with six of his mates beating up people who look a bit like "imigrunt's" because they're allegedly "steelin are job's".

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 0:13, closed)

I've no idea if any of this is true, but y'know, there's no fire without smoke.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 0:15, closed)

Get back under your bridge and wait for the goats.

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 5:40, closed)

says the poster who equates transgender people with criminals and perverts.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:05, closed)

Is my post trolling? No.
You may not like it, which is fine, I can live with that.

You can make a point, which is fine.

Old "jumble of letters" has a habit of trolling, hence the reference to The Billy Goats Gruff. Or did you misinterpret that?

BTW - My feelings on homosexuals - don't care, doesn't affect me, all good (it's a cliche but I do know and mix with a number of gays, and my sister is a lez. They're entirely normal people).

My feelings on trans-genders - makes me a little uncomfortable to be honest; I'd never advocate abuse or assault, but it's not something I feel comfortable with. A the same time, trans-gender is entirely different to transvestite (don't care), which is entirely different to weirdo dressing up in bird's clothes for kicks.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:30, closed)

not deliberate trolling, just a little surprising.
as for your lolopinion on transgender people and transvestites - you're entitled to them, but you're wrong.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 12:50, closed)

Bear in mind, I wasn't accusing you of trolling.
Our opinions are our own, and are not always acceptable to others. I don't have any active prejudice, in that I would not discriminate against anyone, regardless of background.

However, some things I just don't feel comfortable with. It doesn't mean they're wrong (and bear in mind my OP, while absolutely true, is a web post and isn't intended to reflect my personal views in any great depth), and it doesn't mean I'm right.

Loads of other people are uncomfortable with IV heroin use. I'm not. Does that mean I think everyone else should be comfortable around me while I dig around for a vein and push the plunger? No. Equally, should I be allowed to get on with what i want as long as I hurt no-one else? Yes.

btw, I'm not even starting or considering the wider socio-political implications of drug use. Life's too short for it. Also, I'm not an active user or addict, before anyone tries to pull that one on me.

Cheers.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:00, closed)

You have clearly also heard of my inability to spell.
I'm not quite sure where these imigrunt/racism comments are coming from, nor the suggestion of violence. You're fine to call me on my language or what I think, but surely you shouldn't be trying to project some pretty unpleasant (and inaccurate) things at me.

BTW - your sig - what's a compainer?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:23, closed)

I've just looked that up.
That's pretty unpleasant. I'm glad the death penalty wasn't enforced though.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 8:45, closed)

Go gender benders WOO!

(rampants, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 0:21, closed)

This is close
to the French post last week, that people were calling racist. Don't know what the fuss is about. I think your getting trolled by /talk. You must have done something to upset them. lolz,lmao etc etc..

A dose of Frankie Boyles tramdol nights and those eye clamps from clockwork orange, should chill them out a bit. I call it Ultra bad taste humour, although his standup is still genuius.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:22, closed)

It happen from time to time
This post is 100% true, but because I speak about a minority with less than total respect, the PC brigade are out in force, especially old "Jumbled Letters".

Leave 'em to it. They enjoy it, bless 'em.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:26, closed)

Aye
let the baby have it's bottle.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:39, closed)