Bored of that now. As suggested, what cuntish things have you done for the lolz?
Alt: lunch.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:34, 27 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

I spunked into the conditioner bottle of an ex-girfriend.
Made me laugh to think how many times she used it.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:35, Reply)

I helped a mate escape his whale of a girlfriend by moving him out when she was at work
He cleaned the bog with her toothbrush and put butter into her face cream
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:41, Reply)

That Jonah, what a cad!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:49, Reply)

i tricked a gay into fucking a monkey and created AIDS

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:36, Reply)

'tricked'?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:57, Reply)

i posted on beethreeteaehhhh

(Mr Udagawa, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:38, Reply)

in opposite land !

(Mr Udagawa, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:38, Reply)

I asked my boss to open our sandwich toaster/panini press thing as it had given me a static shock
then pulled a party popper behind his back.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:40, Reply)

lol, back in the day at a houseparty we told a lad who was experiencing his first bout of weed-induced paranoia that there was a nutter running around with a chainsaw, then got a mate to rev a dustbuster behind his head.
He ran away and knocked himself over on the clothesline. Good times.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:47, Reply)

That Mephedrone shit made me paranoid as fuck
I was high on it walking through finsbury park after the free Rage Against the Machine gig when there was a loud bang. My mate SJ mumbled really casually "Oh fuck someone just got shot" and then carried on walking. I freaked out and started looking around in a panic but not wanting to run or draw attention to myself. My mates were all acting normally. After half a minute or so they asked why I was acting weird and I said "What was it? A drive by or something?" They looked at me like I was nuts obviously having no idea what I was on about until SJ twigged and said "It was a car backfiring you dozy twat!"
( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:52, Reply)

Classic SJ!? What scrapes will she get up to next

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:56, Reply)

He

( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:58, Reply)

You know a guy called Sarah-Jane? Bit odd even for Cornwall

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:59, Reply)

He was Spanish and lived in London

( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:01, Reply)

That stuff is horrible.
Better to stick to the stuff that's been around for a decades really.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:56, Reply)

I know, I was actually glad when it was made illegal because I found it harder to get and stopped taking it.
I was buying it in bulk and snorting fuck loads of it. Dirty horrible stuff.
( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:59, Reply)

Are you sure it was the mephedrone?
and not just you being a fucking retard?
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:58, Reply)

I'm pretty sure. I had lived in London for years and heard a lot of cars backfiring and never reacted in such a twatish manner.

( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:00, Reply)

Its not been done for a long time but I enjoy swapping the M and N keys round on people's keyboards
Also, its been far too long since I defaced the kitchen supply of breakfast cereals, adding a G to anything with oats

Hot Quick Goats FTW
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:52, Reply)

Hey sporters loving that Simpsons tie you've got on today! "Don't have a cow man"!!! Classic stuff

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:58, Reply)

Simple things please simple minds

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:58, Reply)

DON'T YOU... FORGET ABOUT ME

( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:00, Reply)

Must be why I enjoy this ball in a cup game so much

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:00, Reply)

YM certainly enjoys balls in her cup

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:06, Reply)

Between August and November of 1888
I murdered and mutilated the bodies of 5 women in and around the Whitechapel district of London
( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:45, Reply)

I sharpened my pencil over someone's head

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:45, Reply)

i sought out the identities of internet strangers and posted pictures of their families, i'm not mental though.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:45, Reply)

To be fair that's all some of them get to see of their kids

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:47, Reply)

alright stop boasting about your happy family life with your successful marriage and normal relationship with your kids each and every (full) day

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:48, Reply)

Leave my kids fucking out of it! What have they done? You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!

Insult my fucking kids? That's going overboard, mate!
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:50, Reply)

^FILM

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:06, Reply)

Did you gaz them to popular poster d*z*r?

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:07, Reply)

what?

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:08, Reply)

oh, you're still upset about a joke you didn't get. i see.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:08, Reply)

he's nearly as upset as Baggenfock

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:16, Reply)

how are the budgies?
have you talked your wife out of giving one to the school yet?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:22, Reply)

S*me*n* deleted my reply. All good, baby is staying with us, next door have the other, so we can visit :)

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:44, Reply)

Semen Patel?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:51, Reply)

SP

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:02, Reply)

I started both the "Beatles are shit thread" and the " chipolater to sausage ratio thread" leading to the departure of two of B3ta's longest serving posters

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:48, Reply)

who left because of the Beatles thread?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:00, Reply)

Chompy; it was the final swipe V chomp battle
imagine the end scene of Highlander, but in text form and with more bloo bloo
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:02, Reply)

Except
a) that wasn't the thread that made him leave
b) he hasn't left, he's still posting
c) delete this please
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:07, Reply)

There can be more than one

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:09, Reply)

Oh I'm sorry Mr. Autism-memory-man
if only the thread had t been deleted
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:11, Reply)

it's funny because weed normally fucks up your memory

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:23, Reply)

your mum

(PsychoChomp, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:49, Reply)

i got asked to delete this please by proxy and didn't delete it please immediately but i did a bit later

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:50, Reply)

Hello.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:54, Reply)

I fucked an exes younger sister for a few weeks after we split up.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:54, Reply)

Nice!
When I was at uni my girlfriend dumped me but I had got close to a lot of her housemates over the year she was there and ended up fucking the girl in the room adjacent to her, several times, loudly, up the arse too. I miss her!
( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:57, Reply)

Hahahaha.
That younger sister was quite dirty for a 15 year old. But thick as pigshit.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:00, Reply)

^nonce

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:01, Reply)

He was 12 at the time

( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:02, Reply)

I was 19.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:05, Reply)

jelly.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2449413
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:09, Reply)

STRANGER DANGER

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:01, Reply)

I'd known her since she was 10.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:09, Reply)

yet another case of historic sexual abuse

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:10, Reply)

Grooming innit

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:11, Reply)

It was OK because I'd only fingered her before she was 15.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:11, Reply)

frigid little slag

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:13, Reply)

she was really wet for a 10 year old.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:14, Reply)

That's the blood

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:15, Reply)

it was piss as she was really frightened.
that she wouldn't be able to get all of my cock in her mouth.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:18, Reply)

was she a willing participant or did you have her tied up in the basement?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:00, Reply)

After I'd been hanging around the school for a few days, picking her up in the car,
she was well up for it.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:08, Reply)

I remotely managed a work colleague's PC and turned off the blackberry service so he couldn't connect his phone anymore
He reported me to my boss.
( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:55, Reply)

We managed to change Word autocorrect to switch out the name of our company to "I FUCKING LOVE CAKE"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:56, Reply)

He sounds like a barrel of laughs.

( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:57, Reply)

I mentioned him last week
My boss was sick of the cunt too and he was gone about a week later,
( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:57, Reply)

Oh that guy.
Big up your boss for not having time for petty pricks.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:58, Reply)

Did your boss bollock you or tell you both to grow up and stop being a pair of cunts?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:58, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2447701
( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:05, Reply)

pushed my brother off a balcony in to the pool.
He was alright after a week in the hospital.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:59, Reply)

Got a taste for murder early eh?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:00, Reply)

I was mates with a couple of brothers who fought all the time.
My personal favourite was one of them punching the other in the mouth for being greedy with chocolate and the receiver of the punch phoning his mum to dob the other in, but being unable to swallow, so the phonecall consisted of 'mmmmphphphpmhhhhhhhmphmh'.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:03, Reply)

nowt really
I'm jolly nice.
(old man river possible lesbian, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 12:59, Reply)

bollobollocks.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:01, Reply)

serious
I'm fucking adorable.
(old man river possible lesbian, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:35, Reply)

A member of staff managed to bork their mouse and requested a new one
Whilst plugging the new one in I told them that if it happens again they could just press windows key + T to activate the touchscreen until a new mouse could be provided. I could only keep a straight face for about five seconds of unsuccessful screen fingering
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:11, Reply)

I signed the no more page 3 petition.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:12, Reply)

wanker

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:13, Reply)

I did read a rather excellent tweet on the subject earlier.
Page 3 in the age of the internet is comparable to someone trying to show you an engraving of an arsehole.
( Muns, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:25, Reply)

I always enjoyed doing that thing where you flip peoples screens upside down.
Our IT department are notoriously shit, so rather than them sorting it out, people just used to turn their monitors upside down to compensate. Some cunt figure out how to rectify it and told everyone though.
( Muns, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:23, Reply)

I liked to do a screen shot of someones desktop
and then hide all their stuff in a folder and then set the screen shot as the desktop image
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:29, Reply)

This, and also
tape over the sensor underneath their mouse.

Or swap the mice of people whose PCs are back to back, leaving them plugged into the original PC.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:38, Reply)

Dont hide all of their shortcuts
Just 50%
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:43, Reply)

Ooo I like this

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:51, Reply)

But Word works and Excel doesn't!!!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:54, Reply)

click harder

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:56, Reply)

nothing really, i'm far too nice
paperchase bring out these unutterably vile sparkly reindeer every christmas. i buy one and sneak into my boss' office along with all the others. he's now up to a herd of about 8, and he HATES them because they get glitter on everything. heh.

missbeautifullydepressed.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/pink-reindeer-8.jpg
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:27, Reply)

Fucking hell mate
Get some help.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:30, Reply)

^^gay

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:41, Reply)

I set a rule in a work colleagues outlook
to open up the Kettering Town website and set his desktop background to the Kettering Town badge every time I sent him an email. (He was a Rushden and Diamonds fan*)

* Think Spurs/Arsenal Newcastle/Sunderland type of rivalry but more shit
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:32, Reply)

and people say IT is boring

(old man river possible lesbian, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:43, Reply)

being too cool for school

( $$ ✅, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:41, Reply)

they don't let you in because you're too old
not because you're too cool
(old man river possible lesbian, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:43, Reply)

Vegan meal I cooked, had bacon fat in it. Feel a bit cuntish, but there you go.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:48, Reply)

that's not cuntish ... it'll be the first thing with flavour they've had in years
it's the equivalent of giving a mate's wife a knee trembler by the bins ... not exactly kosher but everybody goes away happy
(old man river possible lesbian, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:52, Reply)

She did compliment me on it.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:57, Reply)

Only on the speed of finishing

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:59, Reply)

Alright cowman.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:02, Reply)

alreet?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:09, Reply)

Good, yeah. Heading off to Manchester soon for the beer festival \0/

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:11, Reply)

Sounds like a better plan than working

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:22, Reply)

Networking mate, very important.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:26, Reply)

A former colleague of mine had bad OCD
to the point where before going home his entire desk had to be just so, everything straight, parallel or 90 degrees to the desk, the lot.

My mate commented on this, and from then on after he'd gone home would move one thing (e.g. the keyboard) ever so slightly so it was no longer perfectly straight.

The following morning would start with an inevitable rant about the cleaners not leaving his desk tidy. This went on for months.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 13:51, Reply)

Me and a mate shot some Jornos in Paris the other week.
Then just for the lolz "accidentally left" a couple of ID's we'd nicked off some muzzahs in the getaway car.
( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:14, Reply)

When I first moved out I lived in the nurses home
of the royal masonic hospital in Hammersmith. Good times.

I had some South African cunts living up the hall from me who used to make a hell of a racket at all times of the day and night.

So I started shitting in the hallway outside their rooms. For about two weeks. They hushed down after that.

Needless to say I had the last laugh and Mum made Dalesteaks for tea!
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:15, Reply)

I knew a south african lass at uni, blonde, legs up to her armpits, fucking gorgeous
Fucking snooty bitch though. Everyone hated her but wanted to fuck her anyway.
( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:17, Reply)

dorty bitches, the saffer birds.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:22, Reply)

Not blick then?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:22, Reply)

Ive never met a nice one.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:57, Reply)

*is not shocked*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:58, Reply)

I had lamb chops and chippy chips btw

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:19, Reply)

Good lad!

( Peej, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:31, Reply)

I had a sausage and potato pie I made last night.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:33, Reply)

I had chicken soup and a couple of rolls.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:38, Reply)

I'm having soup for the rest of the week. I had lamb last night too. Last nights was better because I cooked it and a dirty turk did todays

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:39, Reply)

imma have thai green curry soup the neet.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:48, Reply)

*soup fives*
I had Goan chicken or something
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:49, Reply)

My wife went to India...

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:50, Reply)

I've had a few trips to a Goa over the years
YM, for instance
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 14:58, Reply)

She's a right Goa from what I hear

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 15:06, Reply)

TTJ.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 20 Jan 2015, 15:09, Reply)