West of Scotland Hellholes
I'm surprised no-one seems to have picked up on Girvan yet.

Once a nice fishing village on the West coast of Scotland, now populated by freezing angry spitting neds and quite possibly the most depressing pubs in Scotland... and I have drank in a few depressing holes here.

Also, why is always fucking freezing and windy?
(Skatanic, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 22:32, 3 replies)

palmerston north
About 2 years ago i had the missfortune to go there for a few days to attend my brothers graduation ceremony.
As the poor bastard had been there for 3 long years i was somewhat forewarned but nothing could truly prepare me.

After arriving at Palmerston North International airport we had a quick look at the duty free shop. Its a cupboard with a till and a security grill.

The City of Palmerston North or palmy or shit hole as its more commonly known as primarly serves the surrounding rural areas massey university and the nearby army base.Consequently frictions between farmers students and squaddies sometimes boil over.

The whole city center stinks of stale piss as a result of nights out by the afore mentioned.
The locals are a little strange , to me it seemed as if they held the special olympics in palmy about 30 years ago and only half of them went back home . The rest seem to have settled down and interbred spawning a whole new generation of mouthbreathers. This is a place where they point and stare at passing aircraft.

A few years ago the local paper had to print an appeal to who ever stole some used mattresses out of the hospital skip not to use them. I mean of all the things you could steal why on earth these and if the hospital is chucking them out theres a dammed good reason. This fairley well sums up the criminal element in town.

To coincide with my visit the Samoan circus was in town. End result i was acosted by a slightley schitsophrenic , angry , possibly drunken midget clown trying to flog tickets. The locals regarded this as a cultural highlight. This is a place where a night out means going to the rugby wearing a green bucket on your head.

A few years ago john Cleese of monthy python fame visited and described it thus " If you have even contemplated scuicide but lacked the courage , a visit to Palmerston North will do the trick"

Once the torches and pitchforks had been put down the council decided to name the hillock at the newly closed landfill site Mt Cleese in honour of this event.

To add insult to injury if flying out of palmy a $5 local departure tax is levied , although many regard it as money well spent if it means getting out of the dump.
The standard reply to tourists driving through and daring to ask the question "So whats the best thing to do here?" is just keep driving.

I have only scratched the surface of how god awfull the place is , it really is satans septic sphincter.
(welgar, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 22:29, 6 replies)

U. G. L.(e)Y.
You aint got no alibi, you Ugley, you Ugley Ugley Ugley Ugley.

For those of you not aquianted with small town north Essex its a tiny, quaint little village near Saffron Walden, and the residents pronounce it ooshlee
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 22:17, Reply)

Cannich
Werewolves ... on balance still better than anywhere in East Ayrshire of course...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 22:09, Reply)

Imber
1. Nobody around
2. place is near derelict
3. Lots of banging noises all the time
4. Not even a take away!
( Signify, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 22:06, Reply)

Hull
I have worked all over the UK, and spent nights in lots of diffeent towns and cities.

I booked in at the Ibis in hull - i dont recommend it, it is a craphole

unlike EVERY OTHER BLOODY HOTEL ON THE ENTIRE PLANET they dont have a car park.
But at least They told us where to park

The room was nasty and we got woken up in the middle of the night a fire alarm. the staff said it was a faulty fire alarm.

after a grotty breakfast we went back to the car and found it had a broken window and had been ransacked. the hotels reaction was 'tough.. these things happen in Hull'

and finally when we complained to Ibis group, hoping for, at elast, a free night somewhere, they said that the alarm was set off by chavs smoking in their room and as nothing else was their problem, so 'tough.. these things happen in Hull'

so, i'll never go back to hull and i'll never stay in an ibis/ accor group hotel again
(essexfriend, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 22:05, 2 replies)

Swindon and Dundee
the only two towns i can think of where on asking myself "where should i go for something to eat this evening?" i ended up in bristol and perth respectively ...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:55, 3 replies)

Merthyr Tydfil
I'm an Essex boy, living in Welsh Valleys. I'd been warned about Merthyr (and I come from Thurrock and am all too familiar with places like Basildon and Pitsea)...but Merthyr?

It's well, special.

Most towns have nice areas. Some are nice with rough parts. Some are rough with nice parts. Some are just rough. Merthyr is one of them.

Maybe it's because I've got an accent that makes the denizens think I have stepped off the set of Eastenders. Or Gavin and Stacey. The place has NO redeeming features other than the fact it's a short drive to Brecon - just the other side of the mountains, but a world away.

But Basildon? Oh yes. Last year in a fine `all you can eat Chinese buffet' emporium (surprisingly good food actually) we watched a loud family eat nothing but chicken wings. No seriously. Their plates were piled with the bones.

After they left the head waiter asked us `what kind of people were they?' - they were Irish travellers by the sound of them. Apparently he wasn't happy...because to use the waiter's own words the father figure of the family had refused to pay and `got his toilet parts out'...just another night in Basildon then...
(Audax Victor, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:49, 1 reply)

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, get off the train at Westbury
I don't know why I keep doing it, but on the way back from Londinium to Plymouth I have a habit of changing trains at Westbury. I say changing trains, that would imply a train will arrive at some point to allow me to continue my journey. Invariably it does not. I have walked around the fishing lake, I have walked into town, I have walked out again. I have stared at the entrance to what I think is a garden roller museum, but not dared to enter. I have bought a chocolate bar at the petrol station. I have nearly frozen to death in the middle of winter because none of the station buildings were open. I hold Westbury responsible for me starting smoking again, simply because there was nothing else to do than slowly kill myself.

I admit you are unlikely to be stabbed or robbed or sucked off by a chavette, but please, when the train rolls up to the platform, do not get up out of your seat.
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:43, 4 replies)

Another vote for Rotherham
Rotherham locals were shocked when news recently reached them of the death of one of music's great performers, visibly stunned some wept whilst and others refuse to believe Elvis was dead.

Queues formed at the recent opening of Pound Land in Rotherham, local man Ron, who refused to have his picture taken for fear it would steal his soul, remarked "It's about time Rotherham had an up market shop like Pound Land"

Rotherham's main (and only) cinema screened the latest James Bond film to arrive in Rotherham yesterday, but trouble broke out when supporters of Sean Connery booed Roger Moore whenever he appeared on screen.

A £20 note is making local chip shop owner, Alf Buttress, a fortune, "A chap from Sheffield recently called in and paid for his fish and chips with a £20 note, I did manage to give him is change but it took all my pennies" remarked Alf, "But since then word has got round that a £20 note was in my shop so I put it up for display and folks round here are coming in to the chippie to see it, some travelling from Rawmarsh even. And I've heard there is a coach party from Chesterfield coming up in August"

More breaking news from Rotherham as it happens ....
( Vambo, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:36, 3 replies)

Sthelens
My home town.

Okay besides the very small alternative scene (which is in actual fact quite good these days) Sthelens seems to consist of the following:

The one shopping strip seems to consist of the following inhabitants, smack heads, police, fake police, chavs, miserable as fuck old people, gobby youths and tesco employee's. Oh and we have a black family who we see occasionaly around town.

Non inhabitants include: Plastic scousers who have wandered in to Sthelens for a fight, those people with clipboards (lots of those bastards), people who have taken the wrong turn and the odd scared looking student.

We have a celebrity tramp though: Johnny wellies and we are occasionaly visited by a molestor called purple aki who just goes for 'big guys'.

Culture isn't welcome in Sthelens, if anything it is stamped out by either the chavs or the police.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:33, 4 replies)

Innsmouth
There is something distinctly fishy about the whole place
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:26, 5 replies)

the Rossendale valley - all of it
you might recall that a couple of years ago (Aug '07), in a shithole called Bacup, a couple of local teenagers kicked a goth girl to death for a laugh (she was protecting her goth boyfriend who they'd attacked because "he looked different") ... i stayed around here for the best part of a year back in '88/'89 and it wasn't any better then ... one of the delightful cultural celebrations involves the Britannia Coconut Dancers (a bit like Morris Men) blacking up and dancing round town clacking coconuts together ... Haslingden, Rawtenstall, Bacup - all shit ... (Britannia is a village at the arse end of Bacup - it is neither happy nor glorious)
the countryside around? how can moorland and sheep look *unwashed*? but they do ... a trip over the great divide to Hebden Bridge felt like a day out at the British Museum; a shopping expedition to Blackburn, Bury, Burnley or even (god help me) Rochdale was an occasional treat ... witches live up Pendle Hill above Burnley because the town is *too dangerous* ... Burnley was also the place where i saw my first ever full-on English football violence (locals, Walsall supporters and police with drawn batons all beating the shit out of each other - not kids either, but middle aged men with truly awful lives) ...
It takes a lot to make West Yorkshire look good but East Lancs manages it easily ...
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:19, Reply)

I live in Brixton
and I fucking love it. Wait - have I misunderstood the question?
(nd1001 slamdunked my funk, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:19, 5 replies)

Saint Dié, Alsace
Saint Dié is the dullest town in all of France. 'Nuffsed.
(The Jannie, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:14, 2 replies)

The town where I grew up wasn't very nice
And I was pretty much fed up of the whole place. So I left. Moved abroad to a much nicer place, where I'm much happier.

I would suggest other b3tans try it, but I don't want you lot round my way...
(minlan no longer barks at bancleys, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:10, Reply)

Larkhall
I'm surprised no-one's mentioned this vile, vile place yet. As Obi-wan Kenobi said; ' You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villiany.'
Its not the neds, though there are plenty of them, its the sectarian pish that pervades the place. Union flags and Rangers strips everywhere. 12th July is like Mardi-Gras. If there's a Rangers v. Celtic match on, anything green is obliterated; traffic lights, shop fronts, green cars. I'm not kidding. Even some big-name companies have changed their shop fronts to avoid offending the hatchet faced protestant locals. The town itself isn't too shabby, but the looks on everyones faces when you drive through the town are just pure unadulterated hatred. I could go on but it's making me angry just typing this
(kilt101, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 21:00, 3 replies)

I love this QOTW
mainly because almost everywhere I've lived has been nominated by someone already.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 20:53, 2 replies)

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome...
to Immingham!

This is a phrase you will never hear from a local. Immingham, primarily populated by chavs, slags and people who have more tattoo's than teeth, is a place I called home for almost 13 years.

It is the home to 2 oil refineries, a gypsum board manufacturing plant and a dock, that brings in coal and titanium dioxide on huge ships. The latter helps select women-folk of the town earn money from semen....this is not a spelling mistake.

The local shopping area, called The Civic, has an historic sculpture on one of its walls, primarily constructed from bird shit and rust. This area is always populated with neanderthal-browed, teenage chavs willing to try and punch you out to gain recognition from the younger, slack-jawed female chavettes.

The estate is a wasteland. I once saw a 4 year old boy emerging from a storm drain. The local shop is built like a fortress. Teenage pregnancy, drug use and horrific violence based on someone beleiving that someone else is a nonce is rife and regular.

The school...jebus. 6 of the people I went to school with are serving time for murder. One of the guys in the year above me was Ian Huntley. The school has been on "special measures" since "special measures" were invented. GCSE pass rates rarely improve, meaning that most of the poor kids that go there end up staying in the area all of their lives. My best mate (who is a gentle soul, but still tough to survive these wicked streets) is still there. Until recently he was living on his mum's drive, in a caravan with his pregnant, teenage girlfriend.

So I nominate Immingham for Shittest B3ta Town 2009.

It really is very, very, incredibly shit.
( Beejay Proper old bastard, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 20:49, 4 replies)

loughborough
nearest town to me and a right shitter (it only has 2 decent pubs) the rest are dens of pissed up chavs and clubs that play pop and that RNB shit.

still its better than the town i used to live in (Hastings) think Scunthorpe without the glamour
(imgunnabesick rawr ^ \_/ ^, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 20:31, Reply)

Shit places I have lived.....
Wishaw, Lanarkshire - Grew up here, and have somehow gravitated back here over the years. Would be a nice town, if it weren't for the neds, drunks, unemployed and slappers.

Lee-on-the-Solent, Hampshire - Where old people go to die, while admiring the Isle of Wight.

Rangeworthy, South Gloucestershire - Was once a one horse town, but the horse ran away. Didn't even possess a local pub.

Bradley Stoke, South Gloucestershire - Red-brick nightmare made real. The whole place was built from 1989 to 1995 and ever house looks the same. More roundabouts than Milton Keynes.

Brislington, Bristol - A nice suburb of the nicest city in Britain, but a bit too close to Knowle and also my house was atop a fecking gert hill.

East Kilbride, Lanarkshire - A shining example of why new towns are a bad idea, especially those built in the 60's to house the rejects from Glasgow.
(badbob82 actually has mates called Rex and Wendy, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 20:31, Reply)

I don't mean to be terse, but
WATFORD - It sucks
But at least it's not as bad as Luton
(StruStru saving the world at no extra charge, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 20:12, 4 replies)

Hate to be an anthropolgist here
Surely any town you are in is shite if you are out of work and skint.

I've lived in a few towns that are considered piss-awful but the effectis magnified 1,000 times if you can't spend your way out of boredom.

Coventry = Both in equal measures, the advantages of being a large city with the disadvantages of being a large city. But I met some top-bods and lifelong friends there so Overall, 7/8

Birmingham = Lots of industrial heritage shitelands but also 'it's trying hard!' and this is recognised and appreciated. Subtract 1 point for XL's at Edgebaston no longer having Rock Night on Saturday.

Stourbridge - The glass blowing and local band scene from the 90s may have evapourated but it's only 3 minutes to the countryside and/or Merry Hill. A nice balancing act.

South West Cornwall (without specifics) the crime in the newspapers rarely goes beyond 'potting shed broken into' but there's coast within 30 miles of anywhere. Average wage 15.5k, average house price 200k. This cannot be a recipe for happiness.

Shepherd's Bush - accommodation may be skanky but you're in the Capital of England FFS and the tube is regular.

Congleton, Cheshire - dull but at least it's not dangerous...

Oldham... (Cheshire)ah, hang on.

Denton... (Cheshire)... oh dear, gimme a second.

Banbury. There now, that's much better :-)

Here. Rural Warwickshire. Friendly locals, zero crime, farmers' markets. This will do for now.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 29 Oct 2009, 20:03, 3 replies)

How did we get to page 7 without mentioning....
Yeovil??

I don't live there, but it doesn't stop the place from being the most inbred town in the Western Hemisphere and very much deserving of having walls built around it to stop the locals from spreading.
(Laxly, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 19:53, Reply)

St Helens.
God, if you're ever unlucky enough to live here. Kill yourself. There's a video doing it's rounds on the internet that sums it up perfectly.

There's the notorious paedo purple aki, known across Merseyside. You've never lived till you've been chased by a 6ft5 20 stone body builder.

The people are thicker than pigshit and twice as ugly.

The highest incest rate in the UK.

It's full of dole scum who sit on their arses in their deck chairs wearing adidas trackies, wife beater vests, bling from the local argos and fake caps pointed at a stupidly high angle. If you dare walk past them you get abuse for "walken past mah ouse" as they sup their 6th special brew of the day at 1pm.

We're close to Liverpool so everyone wants to be scouse meaning there's a horde of retarded accents. Complete with girls who try to be scouse and end up with that high pitched voice that could strip paint. (Anyone who's ever been to liverpool will know what I mean.)

It's full of retarded, smack head, pitiful, small minded, aggresive dick turtles. Build a wall round the place, let me out and fucking nuke the place.
(Hitler's other ball. R soul., Thu 29 Oct 2009, 19:51, 3 replies)

Wishaw, North Lanarkshire
I live there. It's shit. But it does have one positive to it... it isn't our nearby neighbour of Motherwell.

Motherwell takes shit to a whole new level for the following reasons... More neds per capita than any Scottish town you care to mention. Everyone is unemployed, but can all afford to smoke and be drunk all the time. Contains Motherwell FC. Too many slapper nedettes in the pubs. The once thriving town centre is a ghost town adorned by charity shops and its pride and joy of a big new Wilkinson (Motherwell folk are too thick to realise it's a bargain shop in England and not Fortnum & bloody Masons).

It's so shit even Tesco haven't opened a proper store in the town (though they did open a little Express on the outskirts).
(badbob82 actually has mates called Rex and Wendy, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 19:43, 2 replies)

I actually quite like it here now
If you drive towards Norwich on the A11 you'll pass at least one sign bearing the legend

Diss
Norwich

For those of you yet to venture this far East, there's a town in Norfolk called Diss, and Norwich is lovely when you get used to it, but really. Talk about an open goal. Not quite as tempting as when a Robbie Williams gig was marked with one of those roadsigns directing concert traffic, underneath which another proclaimed "Get some fucking taste", but the former is, y'know, real.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 19:37, 3 replies)

Brighton...
...wins, hands down. THE nicest place to live in the UK, currently.

Sorry, but there you are.
(nobuttocks last besmirched the internet on, Thu 29 Oct 2009, 19:28, 8 replies)