Go prepared.
Ingredients:

1) Small carton of apple juice.

2) Some peanut butter.


Instructions:

Wait until someone is in the lock-in next to you and proceed to squirt the apple juice (using the 'ickle straw) under the partition. When your neighbour is fully horrified, put a blob of peanut butter on a few sheets of bog roll, drop it on the floor, then scoot it under the partition with your shoe.

Works a treat!
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:23, Reply)

This one makes one wonder...
Playing football down our local park a few years back, a friend of mine got hit on the head with the ball. For reasons unknown this caused his nose to bleed (despite the ball being no where near his nose on impact). Anyway, to sort it all out we went to our local village toilets, not the best of places but all in working order.

As we entered the smell in there was truly disgusting as if several people had shit without flushing. My mate began cleaning his nose when simultaneously we all realised the extent of the situation. Not only did it smell of shit, but someone had rubbed it all over the walls creating a sort of shit wallpaper effect. Further still, the culprit had taken it upon themselves to draw smiley faces in the faeces. The worrying thing was these smiley faces were about a fingers width in detail. Man can be a truly disgusting animal. To this day, I've never gone in that toilet again.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:18, Reply)

I know someone
who keeps a poo diary. It's the best thing I've ever read.
( HappyBadger, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:15, Reply)

The Phantom
A colleague of mine used to ride a motorbike back to his remote house after nightshifts. One night, as was his wont, he stopped in a small village for a fag break while sitting on a wall. As he was taking his first puff, lights flashed on all around him, torches shone in his eyes and large men appeared from nowhere to grab him. Apparently the settlement was haunted by a phantom crapper who kept leaving his ... ahem ... mark on people's doorsteps at night. The local polis had laid a trap for him/her and proceeded to enthusiastically interrogate my colleague. To this day he refuses to admit he was the Phantom Crapper, which I think is unsporting.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:14, Reply)

Back shit
Been told the story of a bank in Aberdeen:

Man in there, argueing becuase he's taken too much miney out that day, or they won't give him an overdraught or something. "This is what i think of your bank" man takes a shit on carpet in front of everyone, and walks out.
(ben_1903 www.crackout.tk, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:07, Reply)

A story about poo just for you, its what i do!
3 stories that must to be included:

Many years ago our cat was regularly terrorised by a large alsatian dog and coincidentally at the same time we would discover very large poos (8-12" and of a noble girth) on a small path hidden away by the side of our house. This provided a topic for conversation round the dinner table and a story for my sister and I to regale to our mates. Despite these benefits for us my Dad found it downright unpleasant and vowed to put a stop to it. He was advised to catch it pooing and give it a good fright and it would never return, although he was up by 7 most mornings the damage had already been done, the perpertrator was an early riser, that was for sure! My dad rigged an alarm (he's an electrical engineer type) that went off just in the bedroom when triggered and was tripped when something went up the path. the first night there were several false alarms but in the end aroung six in the morning he legged it down stairs and out the front door only to turn round the corner and be confronted by the local paperboy having his daily massive turd on our path. his 'patch' was soon changed. Luckily he attended the same school as my sister and she told me he never recovered from the related abuse that only school kids can create. I know not what became of him but hope it turned out well for him.

A village idiot type character (couldn't count to 20 aged ten. refused to wear shoes. shot pigeons alot) coerced by his brother to crap on Dock leaf (perfect shape!), this was then wrapped up and some petrol was added. this was then placed on village green and lit. it fooking stank, people walking past would wonder over have a look and then recoil in horror at stench. it burnt for a good while. he was a dirty little barsteward!

Keep this one brief, walked back from night on piss causing a relaxed anal sphincter and could feel bully's special prize wanting to make an appearance, thought i can make it. i couldn't, i shat myself. woke up in morning thought that was horrible but nobody knows so I'm OK. take rubbish out to bin, shit covered clothes strewn down my path = disgusted neighbours. i still wear those trousers.
(donald_semblance, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:04, Reply)

Goatse
Imagine the state of the ceramic throne after Goatse's been in there. Oooh!
( Irregular Shed is trying to remember what it is he does, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:01, Reply)

Some dirty bastard
in the office here made a terrible mess of one of the bogs. Up the walls it was. Wouldn't have been so bad but some other dirty fucker threw a newspaper in on top of it.
This tabloid trash soaked up the liquid manure a treat and as it dried out the individual sheets spread out like petals. After 2 weeks a large, smelly, brown flower was there where a useful facility once was...
...to this day all you need to do to make any man in the office cringe and shudder is mention "cubicle three".
( helmetcream, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:00, Reply)

Poo Chart
Me and my friends got taken to some activity center place mid wales. The activity center didnt have any activitys. The main one was sitting inside whilst it pissed down.

It was also the local village reasturant / post office/ town hall thing and had a huge blackboard with chalk there. Being bored as we were we decided to turn the blackboard into the Poo Chart and it featured all of our names and the 5 days we were staying there.

The idea was to give your poo a mark out of 10 and give it a nickname. We didnt write what the chart was for, to everyone else it was a graph with "7/10 The Silencer" etc on it

One of my friends had managed no hold one in for aabout 3/4 days, whilst the rest of us knocked up a impressive 5 or 6. Oh the joy we had filling in "10/10 The Bizmark" for him.

another story, Me and a few friends went to the cinema to see a film. Whilst we were there me and 2 of my mates decided to goto the loo. I went in one cubicle and my friend in the one next to it. Joking around my friend starts shouting "Thats it baby, I wanna hear it plop" etc. I quickly finished and exited the cubicle to find my friend in the corner pissing himself and some random bloke giving me a funny look.
(Chutney_Pie, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:55, Reply)

Shitty Bollocks
I once had a shit in a toilet with a particularly shallow bowl. It was a quite a long solid one, and unfortunately was just shorter than the distance twixt anus and porcelain.

It left my arse and almost immediately hit the bowl, and because the fall had been so gentle it stood up straight for a second instead of breaking or splatting. It then leaned forwards and gently caressed my unsuspecting bollocks with its shitty tip, leaving behind a fair sized deposit, before slumping against the front of the bowl as if satisfied with its evil work. I had to clean my poor shit-smeared sack and run home for a shower.

The sensation of having shit on your bollocks is fucking awful, especially when you were just having a normal casual shit and you weren't even fucked or ill or anything. *shudders*
( wingphil, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:44, Reply)

Gravity defying poo
When my sister was about three I was getting her ready to have a bath. I left her alone for about two minutes and when I came back she'd pooed all over my room. My mum came down and we cleaned the floor up. But then I noticed something astounding, I shouted up to my Mum 'Mum, Grace has pooed on the wall'. She shouted back 'Well get some tissue to wipe it off then.' I replied 'No, you misunderstand me. She has actually done a poo on the wall'. It was quite a sight, god knows how she performed this gravity defying stunt, but we were so impressed at the turd, a foot from the ground and showing no signs of heading to earth, that we rang our neighbor up to come and have a look as well.
(Svajoklis, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:41, Reply)

Can't take the credit for this one...
When my younger brother was in primary school, he used to have a lot of stomach aches, and it usually turned out he was lying. Anyway, once he was about to go to school but said he had a really bad stomach, then he ran upstairs and proceeded to unload the runnyest crap you ever seen (he shouted me in to see). My mother said that he can go to school, he should be fine now. So much for that. He was in school for about an hour, and told his teacher he felt very sick, so he was proptly sent to the medical room. He got there, and chucked up all over the floor. After this he shit his pants, again, with the runnyest crap you would ever see. It filled his underpants, travelled down his leg, and made a mess of his socks and shoes. Luckily for him this was in year 3 when nobody could remember.

Also, another story about him. When we was at holiday (good old butlins), we all went to bed after a long night. It was only in the morning that I was woken by my mother screaming. Here is a quote from my brother:
"I needed a crap when we got back, but dad was in the toilet so I just went to bed. But I got up in the middle of the night, ran to the toilet, put my hand on the doorknob, farted, and shit my pants." His pants were filled, I seen them. They were so bad my mother put them in a plastic carrier bag and we had to put them in a nearby dumpster.

I really think he has bowel problems.
(King Mong, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:40, Reply)

Northern Line pooh carriage...
I was waiting at Clapham North tube station for the next train into town at morning rush hour. I had been waiting ten minutes and about 4 fully-packed trains had gone past already, that were so full I couldn't get on. The next one pulled into the station. Carriage after carriage went past, all of them full to bursting point of commuters. Fuck, I thought. This is taking the piss. Then I noticed one carriage out of them all was almost empty! What luck!! I sprinted down the platform as fast as I could to reach my Holy Grail before some other cunts got it. The doors started closing, the beep-beep-beep-beep was beeping but I got there just in time as the doors closed behind me. How pround I was, looking out of the window smugly at the other poor sods who didn't make it as the train departed. I turned around, time to find a seat. Loads of choice. The other three people in this carriage are right at the ends. How strange, I thought. It was then that I noticed a pile of at least 6 human poos slipping around on the floor this way and that, riding a lake of piss. Thankfully, I managed to ride it out to the next stop without getting any shit or piss on my feet. Some more poor sods got on at the next stop though. Hehehehee love it!
(freshtonic, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:40, Reply)

Turd tales!
Whilst on holiday in Wales, I trod on a huge cow poo. What made it worse, from my point of view (but not of my dad's and my brother's, who both found it hilarious), was that I trod on it on purpose, thinking it was a stone. It had crusted over and looked very dry and solid, but inside it was still green and brown and runny.

My brother once fell asleep on his front, with no clothes on (as little kids do), and pooed in his sleep. It went upwards in a sort of spiral.

When in holiday in New York, I ate no fruit for the five days I was there. The trip was arranged by the school, and we ate out for all our meals, including breakfast, and so we had none of the bog-standard stuff I normally eat. I normally quaff fruit like a gorilla (you're supposed to eat five portions of fruit and veg a day, but I eat between seven and fifteen), and as a result am very regular (two or three times daily). My body didn't like this shock to my system, so I was constipated and didn't poo for three days. When I did, it was nearly as thick as a coke can, and as long as my forearm. It was also very dry and took a great deal of effort to egest. I felt about half a stone lighter once it was finally out.

I once had the squits so badly when I was little that I farted and a chocolate sauce-like splat came out.

I once did green poo.

Once I tried so hard to fart that a little bit of shit came out. Bleurrgghh.

Needing a poo in the middle of the night but being only little and so very disoriented with tiredness, I somehow missed the toilet bowl. It still baffles me as to how the smeg I actually did that. I had to wake up my mother and get her to clean it up. She was not happy.

Even though I was perfectly continent, I chose to wear nappies until I was three, because I found pooing in a nappy more fun (ahah, it was a childhood fetish) than pooing in a potty or in the toilet. Eventually I stopped because my mother was getting sick of changing nappies on a child who didn't need them (and who was old enough to do really gross poos as opposed to the little yellow ones that babies do).

My brother got pooed on by a female moth once. And by a mouse.

I used to have a rat who I let run around in my hair (it was down to my shoulders then). When brushing my hair, my mother found a dried-up rat poo tangled up in it.

When holidaying in France, we found rat poo baked right into the supermarket bread. We bought all our bread elsewhere thereafter.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:33, Reply)

once i was collectin sum photos from the chemist
and on the way home i suddenly got the urge so i started to run but i knew i wouldnt make it, fotunatly for me it waqs during school holidays an my route took me past this school so i climbed over the fence into the schools football field an proceeded to squat in the corner. in my panic i had not pulled my trousers down properly and although the log got out fine my pecker was hooked over my underwear an i ended up pissin all over my jeans, i just ran the remaining mile home and went straight for the bathroom to clean up but luckily it was summer and i had dried off before reaching my destination
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:29, Reply)

flatmate called Dog (second time he's been an answer)
shat himself somehow on the 1/4 mile walk from uni to home.

tried to dry out his kecks on his radiator, filling the flat with the smell of baked shit.

to make matters worse. after shitting himself, he thought 'what the hell' and had a piss in his trousers too.

and more. the turd slimed it's way down his trouser leg where he kicked it out. tourists walking just behind him saw this. eww.
( monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:24, Reply)

When I was a little baby
...I took of my recently filled nappy and scrubbed it all over the wall, creating my first piece of art. I'm still very very proud.
(Experiment 626, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:22, Reply)

when i was in primary school
i was eating my packed lunch one day but i really needed to do a shit. but i had a rather large lunch that day and was determined to eat it all before i went to the loo. unfortunately i didn't last long enough and did a bit shit in my thick wooley tights. i was so embarrassed about it that i didn't do anyhting about it.
that afternoon my friend rachel's mum was picking me up. we all piled in the car and she dropped off another kid and then turned around and said "let me check your shoes! someone has stepped in dog poo!" finding no dog shitters, she carried on. i promptly burst into tears as soon as i got home as the shit had travelled down my leg and solidified into little lumps.
(jeaneye, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:19, Reply)

Pooing Abroad
A few years back me and my Dad went over to Dublin for England vs Ireland in the 6 Nations. Also on the trip was a guy my Dad used to work with. Anyway we went to the game and as is the custom got fucking shit-faced before, during and after. We ended up in a bar in the city centre downing tequila, pernod, Jack Daniels, vodka and anything and everything the barman would serve us. As you can imagine I was out of it, we ended up in a burger bar which I decorated with my vomit. We somehow got back to the B&B where in the room was a single and double bed. Dad being most senior got the single and me and the other bloke shared the double. He had to get up early to catch a flight home, we were staying for another day. I didn't hear him leave and when I eventually came round was greeted by shit stains all over the sheets. My shit stains. As the name was in my Dad's colleagues name we just put the duvet back and scarpered!!!

Sorry about length.
(Joons, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:19, Reply)

I was at a bike rally one weekend
I was busting for a shit. I walked the full length of the field getting more and more desparate. At the end of the field was a solitary Portaloo. Marvellous. I dashed in and......You should have seen it. There was a mound of shit to about six inches below the lid. (It was a non-flushing variety). Ah well, any port in a storm. I pulled my leathers down and sat........Ahhhhhhhhh, bliss. Except........I happened to do one of those turds you occasionally do that seem to be about fifteen inches long. As I was shitting this out, it bottomed out on top of the pile and stopped leaving my arse. I had to gradually lift myself off it so that it could finish coming out of my arse. It ended up looking like excalibur rising from the lake, about six inches higher than the lid. I walked back up the field sniggering away to myself. I can still imagine the look on the next persons face when the saw it.
( Unklian Lives in the only country where "Glass" is a verb., Thu 6 May 2004, 17:12, Reply)

OOh, also...
...I got tummy ache. "here, take these" mum says, and gives me a couple of those chalky tummy tablet things (no brand names here folks). Thus 'cured', my patient, understanding, attentive, gorgeous boyfriend and I go for a walk by the river.

This particular stretch of the fine Thames is pretty much deserted of people and facilities, and about half way down, my gut starts to tremble. And then shake horribly.

Cue lovely boyfriend assisting (he can't carry me, that would have menat trouble for his new coat) crippled niceandwarmandhot down muddy path (how appropriate) whilst we figure out where I can 'go'. I know its going to be messy, so bushes are out of question as I'm wearing a skirt, and it will, ahem, 'show'.

So we race to the flashy garden centre, and I ask the nice man at the deskif they have any loos. Yes, over there, so staggering by this point, I get to the skank hole that is the toilet.

And let rip.

No words to describe, only my boyfriend's face when I came out (the first time, there was a lot of running back in). Sheer horror. I have not been back to the centre because of the damage I did. And I will NEVER take said tablets EVER again. I can't even have chalky mints...

Smell travels.

Still have boyfriend though! (hence the wonderfulness earlier)
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:11, Reply)

I still don't know what I had eaten to produce this.
My mate used to live in a relatively small house with just his mum and his sister.

One day in the summer holidays off school I used the downstairs toilet in said house, and unleashed what has since that day been referred to as 'Hiroshima'. It wasn't so much the fact that I couldn't flush it away, it was just the intoxicating reek it produced. It could have taken the flesh off your face...

So his mum wasn't too happy when she arrived home from work. 2 cans of Pledge hadn't even scratched the surface.

Not only that but the next time I was round there when she came home, me and my mate had been doing kung-fu in the lounge, and after a crafty 3 inch punch from my sparring partner, my nose had exploded with blood which I proceeded to drip all over the very same downstairs toilet.
(localknowledge, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:09, Reply)

Fuck, just remembered another one
Me and a mate went to this all you can eat chinese restaurant last year. When we got there the waiters and the head waiter bloke (about 5 of them in total) were having a massive argument with this sligtly trampy looking customer who didn't have enough money for the meal he'd just had. He was shitfaced pissed too so he must have owed them a bit. He said something like "fnnaagh ya baasssttaaards, I'll pay youse when I get back from the bog", so off he went up to the toilet.
I was busting for a piss so I went up a minute or two later. When I opened the toilet door I was hit with the most appalling shit smell I have ever smelt, the kind that makes your eyes water. I nearly puked. The pissed trampy guy came out of a cubicle to reveal that yes indeed he had done a big stinking shit on the floor. Then he trod in it, and began walking shitty footprints around the bog. I legged it down to tell the waiters, they went racing up the stairs before he could walk it all over the place. We didn't see him come down so I would imagine they took him out the back for a kicking. Dirty fucker. But hey he probably got away with not paying for his meal
(mr pete, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:09, Reply)

oh yeah
and my dad always claimed that when my older brother was younger, he had done a projectile shit-missile and my dad had leapt up and caught it.

i think he was chatting shit though
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:08, Reply)

bag o' shite...
my mate found a bag of shit today. he threw it at a barrier, but it just sailed over...
how we laughed. good old sammy!

also a mate (youth leader, colin you leg!) told us about a freind who was working in an oldies home, and one of the dears was walking along and started doing a shit. so the guy had to catch it in a carrier bag.

for funny shits see ratemypoo.com
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Thu 6 May 2004, 17:07, Reply)

not going for a shit world record
Whilst undergoing my Royal Navy basic training at HMS Raleigh in 1995 I acheived the impressive record of not going for a shit for 2 weeks 3 days. This was the base record at the time and Im pretty sure it hasnt yet been matched...Of course this, and the equally impressive fact that I totally failed to gain an erection for nearly 3 weeks, is mainly due to the amount of bromide put into trainee ratings food at the time

anyone else beat this??
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:06, Reply)

This happened to a mate of mine while at uni
He lived in a student house with a bunch of psychos. The house was always a left like it had been in several earthquakes, and one of the guys he lived with hated this. So one day he decided to go into my mates room with a dinner plate, clear a space in the middle of the floor, drop trou, squeeze out a cleveland steamer on the plate and place the plate on the floor.

One of the other factors in this tale is that it was the height of summer and the windows never opened in his room.

Therefore on my mates return his room smelt like medieval sewer.

The moral of the story; tidy your room or people will shit in it!
(extreme pete, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:04, Reply)

Another one...
My friend works with people with severe mental problems (he's a nurse but I forget his proper title thing), when he was doing his training he spent a lot of time with care in the community people.
One day he turned up to meet his mentor and was told that they were going to the house of a social recluse with the 'Void' squad. Long story short, this guy had endless mental and social problems and had basically shut himself away in his house for a very long time - to the point that the council had contacted the 'void' squad and the social services.
My friend was told that the 'void' squad go into houses that pose a bio hazard and decontaminate, fumigate etc. So big radioactive suits. My friend and his mentor were there with the relative authorities to section the man into care.
Well.... apparently this man had a debilitating fear of flushing the toilet so as you can guess had been crapping and pissing in his toilet for a long long time.... When the Void squad entered the bathroom they were greeted with the sight of a toilet filled past the seat with shit. it was bulging out of the top of the toilet and caked on the sides, and because it was summer it had hardened to a crust.
Apparently the smell alone K'od one of the void squad and rest set about the task of removing the crap.... My friend recalls that not long after all of the void squad guys came rushing out the front door to tell him that when the crust had been broken a big fucking cloud of flies had come spilling out and into their faces! How is that for fucking disgusting????!

(apologies for length)
(Manatee Fondler, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:03, Reply)

Our dog found a bucket of Artex in the garden
And by the following morning had left perfect white plastercast turds all over the house. They had to be chipped off the floor with a spade.
(Mild Green Fairy, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:02, Reply)

I was talking to my (now ex) girlfriend on the phone one day
when she suddenly started screaming.. i was wondering why, until she told me that her neice's cat had just diarheed all over the carpet, and her dog and just come and eaten it all- but i guess that's kinda standard..

edit/ oh yeah, and at school today we were trying to recruit people to walk up to her and piss on her head- not because i hate her but because it would be amusing : D

stupid italian little whore

anyway, i'll post a very oldschool pixelpuss to make up for lack of storyage


( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:58, Reply)