When I was little,
for my birthday I had a Sonic the Hedgehog cake with blue marzipan. The next day I had blue poo.
(I Want Billy, Thu 6 May 2004, 21:27, Reply)

Motorway poo story
I used to drive a lorry, mostly at night. This one time I'm on the way home down the M1 and dive into the Welcome Break services as they always had the cleanest crouchers. I had just settled in a trap about half way down the room when some urgent footsteps hurry past, not quite running, but certainly not relaxed. A door to a nearby trap slams and there is the sound of someone practically ripping their trousers down, such is their urgency.
Then came the noise.
I've pondered long and hard how to convey to you all the truly bestial range of sounds this bloke was producing. Imagine someone with third degree burns, covered in iodine slipping in and out of conciousness while the morphine wears off.
Overlay this with the sound you would get if you pumped large volumes of air through a straw dipped into a bucket of warm McDonalds milkshake.
I was understandably helpless after having listened to this for about 15 minutes. I was biting my lip with my hands clamped across my mouth while I rocked around on my own throne with tears rolling down my face. I had to know who, at 2am, could possibly be in such a state, what did they look like, how old were they,how could they still drive in that state?
I had pretty much regained my composure, and remembered to do my own paperwork, when I heard the other trap open. I opened my door and observed a well dressed, respectable looking businessman-type individual in a decent pinstripe suit, 5'8", a little overweight, probably late forties, shuffle past, ashen faced and looking not a little dishevelled. He seemed to be avoiding my enquiring gaze, can't think why.
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 21:16, Reply)

Mars Bar
I remember when I was a wee nipper, we had a down syndrome lad who always used to ride around the village on his pushbike, who we rather fondly dubbed "Spaggy Richard".
Unfortunately for him, he was gullible as ducks, so when my friend told him that the dogshit that was under a car tyre was a mars bar, he picked it up and started chewing on it while "Mmmmmm"-ing loudly.
Good old Spaggy Richard.
(thegreatrobino, Thu 6 May 2004, 21:16, Reply)

Bedroom poop
Went out drinking with some of my housemates from uni a few months back, we had a few too many and came back to our halls. One of them went for a shower to try and clear his head, he then walked out 5 minutes later, butt naked, went into his room, passed out on his floor and shit all over it. He then proceeded to roll around in it. A few hours later, he woke up and just left. He went back to his parents house and we havent seen him since. He didnt even clean it up, just left it all over the floor stinking the entire flat out. Which was nice.
Got my own back though, instead of helping him while he was soiling himself, we got the digital camera and took a few shots (which he still dosent know about) :D
(PantsofDoom, Thu 6 May 2004, 21:09, Reply)

Contracting
I used to do contract work for a CCTV company around the UK. The working day normally finished off with a few beers and a bar meal.
On a particularly big contract, we got to know of a club (chicago rock cafe) that did £12 entry, free buffet food and drink all you can.

This particular wednesday, I left the club, in need of a bed, to say the least. I woke up the next morning to discover what can only be described as a 'CrackerBread' of shit in my underwear.

After wondering all the next day what could've happened, it only came to me that night when i was walking into town to catch a movie at the cinema.

On seeing the NCP, I stopped sharply when the memory of crouching behind a mini metro came rushing back, along with the hoards of pub, cinema and restaurant go-ers showing their discust at my crammings and resultant verbal obscenities.

If that wasn't bad enough, I also remembered ordering 'the works' pizza from a take away near the train station, paying for it, and walking straight out of the place without eating a slice.
(freddybloggspooh Smash!, Thu 6 May 2004, 21:09, Reply)

coloured poo
I found out one xmas eve that if you drink enough Blue Lagoon cocktail your shit will turn a strange bluey green for about 4 days.
(Ant's in his pants, Thu 6 May 2004, 21:02, Reply)

bundles of joy
sorry if someone's already posted this, but this is a rather amusing messageboard all about women who inadvertently poo during the throes of childbirth. Fascinating stuff, and a compelling argument for adoption:
poopreport.com/Techniques/Content/Labor/labor.html
(Mabel DelTaco, Thu 6 May 2004, 20:56, Reply)

Byebye pizza!
Stumbling home from a club, pizza box in hand looking forwards to tasty goodness, the thought occured to me of "ooh. need to shit" (pronounced 'ffffrrrrrp'), so off i bimble to the small bit of woods i see by the side of the road.
AAAH AMBUSH!! A stream leaped out and surprised me.
The final picture - me, lying on my side, water up to my belly button, pants filled with guinnessy nugget of crappiness due to the surprising guerrilla tactics patches of water have adopted, folornly watching my much anticipated pizza float away into the darkness.
Very unhappy walking home. (stinking of shit and squelching)
(jagerman, Thu 6 May 2004, 20:55, Reply)

Haven't been arsed to check all of the posts,
but I'm sure there's already been something like this.

Anyway, my mate's brother's mate was having sex with his bird on the toilet... they'd been going out for a while and were experimenting with different places, I believe.

Said person, while having sex, decided he needed a shit. So, while his girlfriend was bouncing on his balls, he let a loud "Uuunnngghhh" sound, of which she was not the cause.

He continued to shag her for several minutes. It was only after they'd stopped that she remarked....

"What's that smell?"
( Detrius521, Thu 6 May 2004, 20:54, Reply)

I have no poo stories worth sharing
but I did just want to mention I've been eating chocolate pudding while reading this whole board.

It's delicious, and I have to say I'm rather proud of my nonchalant air of detachment.
(Mabel DelTaco, Thu 6 May 2004, 20:51, Reply)

Oh yeah...
I farted once and it smelled like poo
(lifelikeandposeable, Thu 6 May 2004, 20:30, Reply)

I used to do care work
working in a flat with 5 adults all of whom were deafblind with learning disabilties and doubly incontinent. 3 of them had faecal attraction and liked to apply H block factor sunscreen. Often one would stuff as much into their gob as possible necessitating removal with fingers or the special toothbrush kept for such occasions.
A personal favourite was a gentlemen of indolent nature who would spice up his lavatorial visits by crapping on his fingers then using it as a lube to wank with.

Yes, sometimes to completion.
(MrHackenbacker, Thu 6 May 2004, 20:30, Reply)

Swimming Poo-l
Woo and yay for bad puns...ahem
Yeah anyways at the grand old age of 6 it was a fine and dandy idea of my parents to send me to swimming lessons. So swim away we did, us little barely potty trained ones.
One day, to our petite bemusement, we were all rushed out of the pool, along with everyone else. Turned out the lifeguards thought they had seen a drowned baby in the corner of the pool. So in they went with nets and swimmers.
How we chortled when the lifeguards fished a large turd out of the water. This was no normal turd, this was a big old baby sized turd.
(lifelikeandposeable, Thu 6 May 2004, 20:29, Reply)

After reading an article in a b3ta newletter
that some guy made his piss purple through eating beetroot, we (mates) bet that we could do it too.

So, 8 jars of cheapo morrisons beetroot and 3 hours later (goes straight through yer!), I laid the slippiest purple torpedo ever.

The one that makes you feel really empty on the inside, so you have to curl up in a ball.
(Attention Whore, Thu 6 May 2004, 20:27, Reply)

Scarborough Poo
On a highly charged geography field trip to Scarborough when I was 14, a friend of mine was slightly drunk and decided to piss out of his hotel window onto the proprietor’s patio below. Stunned by this remarkable act of bravado, we dared our friend to shit out of the window the following night, a challenge which he duly responded to by dropping a staggering load from his 4th floor room, making somewhat of a pat on the hotel managers paving below. The following night we were all called into the dining area where our teacher quizzed us as to why the hotel proprietor had slipped over whilst pacing around his patio at night, on what he confessed to the teacher as being a fried egg (???). At which point my friend, blinded by the sheer ignorance of the managers mistake, quite foolishly claimed “it wasn’t an egg, it was a poo!”. My teacher didn’t have the heart to tell the manager, but made my friend apologise and write 20 sides of lines of “it wasn’t an egg, it was a poo” and have each signed by his parents.
(le_poulet_de_la_funk, Thu 6 May 2004, 20:15, Reply)

Shitsuey
A ginger I used to know at college had a bit of a shit problem during a maths lesson. He put his had up to ask the teacher "Can I go to the loo miss" she replied. "No can't you wait till the end of the lesson" she was a bit of a bitch, even for a teacher. Then he said "No I can't miss I have already done it" He ran out of the class and for the rest of the day walked around with the shitty pants in his pocket. He wasn't "Officially" retarded either. Everyone then called him shitsuey. It continues to this day.
(joeydoo, Thu 6 May 2004, 20:01, Reply)

Not me, but my brother.
My brother (being the athletic guy that he once was) used to go jogging every morning. This one weekend morning, he left as per usual while i sat at the kitchen table eating breakfast with the parents. All seemed normal until my brother came running thru the house only 10 minutes after leaving, passing thru the kitchen, on the way to the bathroom, all the while holding his ass. I thought nothing of this until my delicate nostrils were assaulted with this vile horrid stench of what i can only imagine dead cadavers smell like. To make this long story even longer, my dear brother proceeded to throw his shit covered shorts & undies out the ground-floor bathroom window, only to be first discovered by my dog, who was then caught by my mom eating up all my bro's crap. If he knew i posted this...he would kill me.
(hornyTadette, Thu 6 May 2004, 19:52, Reply)

I have many-a-tale of poo
1) While on holiday in america I was on the bus with me sister who was 17 at the time. She leans over to me and says 'Tom I think I just followed through'. Now this might not have been so bad had it not been for the fact she was wearing a thong.

2) My sister used to sleepwalk alot when she was younger and once, she went into my mum and dads room, dropped her pyjama bottoms, did a big diarrohea poo on my dads new jeans which were on a stool and then proceeded to comb her hair while looking in the mirror.

3) My mate works at a local Matalan store and went to tidy the changing rooms but to discover someone had decided to use one cubicle and toilet and proceeded to do a massive sloppy poo in the corner of it.

More to come.
(Deiwos - Woo I found my old name!, Thu 6 May 2004, 19:45, Reply)

Green Pue
i once ate at a Mexican Restaurant popular with the college kids. I ate a very tasty burrito at Chilango's. Very nice burrito. I went back to work and proceeded to tap away at my computer. I felt the need to poo, so I went to the facilities.
Everything was nice and easy. It wasn't even a greasy turd. It wasn't burning. It jus slid out like a miracle birth. I stood up and looked. There it was...just floating placidly in crystal clear water.....my green poo. No foul smell was detected. In fact, the form in the water was as quiet as zen.

Varied in shades of green, from pine to pea soup. It was beautiful.

Then I flushed it.
(andophiroxia, Thu 6 May 2004, 19:43, Reply)

On a school ski trip...
to austria i managed to pull off the biggest shit you ever did see. As it was austria they had those german style toilets where your shit rests on a shelf before u flush (no idea why but hey) so after my giant struggle of the push i was left with a giant turd about the width of my arm lying there looking up at me...... the bastard wouldnt flush!!! So ten minutes someone walked in to the cubicle already expecting something nasty (the smell was horrific). I could hear the shout from my room down the corridor. Not content with beating it with the guy went and got his mates to have a look who al brought cameras and posed beside it as if it was theirs, strange people. After its fifteen minutes of fame the turd remained there overnight until i was awoken by loud scream of disgust of the cleaning lady.....
(Lanky, Thu 6 May 2004, 19:40, Reply)

i have far too many poop stories
my flatmate shat in a plastic bag, froze it and then put it in with my mate's luggage, so when he got to jersey customs everyone would wonder where that strange smell was coming from.

they also pooped in one of my mate's rolled up posters as he was moving out of our uni residence. as far as i know it's still in the rolled up poster.

one more, one day after about three days of non-pooping i let a big one go. flushed and thought nothing more of it. few hours later i walked past the bathroom to see four flatmates standing around the toilet in a state of astonishment. it turns out that the poop was huge and hadn't been delivered past the u-bend. i didn't think that much of it but my flatmates were deeply fascinated, proclaiming it to be made of "dark matter" and looking "like a trout poking it's head out from under some rocks." they still mention it to this day. i'm soo glad i moved out.
( krang, Thu 6 May 2004, 19:34, Reply)

party poo
We were having a large drunken party back in the college days.
Back then, our homes were pretty shabby, being poor college students.
The toilets were shabby as well and inevitably stopped working during parties.
During this particular shindig, the toilet overflowed after one of the guys left a big dump.
The turds floated out of the toilet and onto the floor.
I opened the door to see him throwing his turds out the window.
Now that was some funny shit!
(Hypolite, Thu 6 May 2004, 19:28, Reply)

during
one of those long days you have when you're a student with nothing better to do, me and my flatmate decided to get pissed. we didn't fancy wine so we got big £2.99 3 litre bottles of strongbow instead. we drank one each, got pissed and got that kind of yellow-bearded-westcountry-hippy-melancholy you get when you drink cider.
the next day we both needed poops and my flatmate found his ass was bleeding. it wouldn't stop. he had to go to the doctor and phone his mum who informed him that cider does make your ass bleed, especially if you drink lots of it.
my fate? i just got piles.
( krang, Thu 6 May 2004, 19:27, Reply)

urghhh...
It was the summer and me and a mate were bored. We were hanging around his house in the afternoon, waiting for his mum to come home from work so we could get some money and go and grab some movies or otherwise waste our idle time. Somehow the conversation turned to me betting my mate that he would'nt shit out of his bedroom window.(facing the road outside) Well, my mate, never been one to turn down a dare, prepaired himself with a bucket incase he pissed at the same time when straining. i went downstairs and opened the door, stood in the drive and gazed towards his room. He was hanging his arse out the window, as the plummeting shit would have to clear a bit of a ledge, also the thought of shit smeared down his front room windows was simply too horrible. Now he's there for about a minute, forcing one out, as he doesnt really need to go, making sure to hold the bucket in place at the same time so as not the get piss all over his room. the fucker only went and did it, it was a classic comic dog shit shape, with a point on top. to top it off his neibour (grumpy twunt) happened to come out of his house, just and said incident took place. we scrambled inside. That shit was never cleared up, just left in the front gardern. not nice at all, but fucking funny.
(nagrub, Thu 6 May 2004, 19:20, Reply)

I have no stories about shit.
Sorry.
(Market Man, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:53, Reply)

.
The worst i ever had the squits was shen i went into town with some friends to see finding nemo, and we were sat in the cinema for about three hours because we turned up so early. When i left, i was feeling ok, but my phone ran out of battery so i couldnt call my parents, so i had to walk a mile or so to my friends house to use his charger. by the time it was charged, i was starting to need the loo, but then my parents turned up before i could go, so i just held it in. then we went to pizza hut, and i swear the queue alone was half an hour, plus than again while they make the bloody thing. its a shame then, that i never use public toilets. we got home, which is another 15 minutes, and i rushed into the loo. i was feeling a bit sick too, so i looked directly into the bowl to be ready for a deluge of vom. it was at that point i shat myself. so, i turned around to empty into the bog, and puked on the floor.
(NPC, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:53, Reply)

The "Thousand Meter Shitter"
Once upon a time, I was a young army lieutenant attached to an artillery battalion. We often found ourselves out in the woods for weeks performing endless training exercises with the cannons. (Our motto: shoot, move, communicate!) We moved around a lot! One or our favorite firing points was in a huge, sprawling meadow bordered by pine trees. For reasons, which I've never been able to figure out, the army, in its infinite wisdom, installed a massive cinder-block latrine in the middle of the meadow. It must have been 50 feet long and could accommodated 30-40 troops at a time....all this out in the middle of nowhere.

We typically installed the cannons against the tree line and would fire over this latrine to the impact area miles away. Many times during the day, a 'cease fire' would be called and all eyes would turn to see some lonely soldier, toilet paper in hand, making the long, hard trip across the distance to the latrine, usually with clenched buttocks. In short time, the latrine affectionately came to be known as the "thousand meter shitter".

At dusk one evening it was my turn to make the trek. The guns went silent and off I went, weapon, rucksack, and t-paper in hand. The 'facilities' consisted of 4 platforms covered with plywood out of which jagged holes had been cut with a saw. The holes were just smaller than your ass (so you wouldn't fall through) and positioned so that if every hole were occupied, the soldiers would literally be sitting "cheek-to-cheek". And did I mention the smell? Bad. Really fucking bad.

Anyway, no sooner had I 'dropped trou' when I heard the door slam and saw boots rounding the corner. Up stepped this grizzly, old noncom. He must have been about 60 years old. Out of all the open holes in the latrine to select from, where does he choose to park his ass? Right next to mine, of course. He dropped his fatigues to the floor and the next thing I know his hoary, gnarly, hairy arse is rubbing up against my thigh.

Being young and shy, I immediately forgot all about taking a dump. In fact, you wouldn't have been able to insert a sewing needle through my sphincter.

"How you doin' LT?", he grumbled. He then proceeded to light a smoke and get down to business. Let me tell you, I feel uncomfortable having a conversation while I'm shitting even if the other party is on the other side of a locked bathroom door. It was excruciating! And he wouldn't shut up, either. I didn't want to be rude, so I just kept my mouth shut and nodded a lot hoping he'd finish and toddle off.

Suddenly, in the middle of a sentence, his faced screwed up and turned red. He lifted a cheek, and I could sense he was about to punch out some ungodly, fetid turd. Then, his face relaxed. But, he held up his hand as if to say "shush...wait". About 5 seconds later we both heard the huge 'KER-SPLASH' of that monster hitting the viscous goo some 50 feet below. A big smile lit up his face. That was it for me. I hoisted my battle skivvies and without another word shot out of that stank hole and sprinted back to the battery area.

I guess I'm a big homo. I turned in my papers and resigned my commission 2 months later.
(blindspot, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:32, Reply)

Oh fuck. Who shit themselves?
Not me, but some fat girl in my Spanish class shit herself and didn't tell anyone. As she was walking out the door, it hit the floor and the teacher yelled "Oh fuck. Who shit themselves?" Christ, she had to move to another school because everyone here basically tortured her over it. Names like 'shitty-knickers'.
(King In Crimson, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:23, Reply)

China Shits
I used to fear going to the toilet When travelling in China a few years back - At first I would hold it in until I could find a macdonalds or hotel that had a western toilet, this became impractical once I left Beijing and impossible once I entered the countryside.

anyway, my first experience of a real chinese toilet was in a university in Xian - A row of porcelian holes in floor with no doors to protect ur privacy. I was so scared that I ran out of the room leaving all my bags - someone chased after me to give them back.

Of course, I soon got horrendous food poisoning and became far less picky about where i placed my end. The problem was that as i was often the only white person within 50 square km I would frequently draw a crowd around me. The locals would find nothing more amusing than trying to engage me in conversation in public restrooms.

local - where are you from? What is ur name?
Me - fuck off im taking a shit!
(Frozenpeas42, Thu 6 May 2004, 18:23, Reply)