Going to university.
It's a trap.
(SSSSSSSSSS, Tue 29 Jul 2014, 6:42, 17 replies)

Hosting all my b3ta pictures on b3tards.com

(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Mon 28 Jul 2014, 21:26, 1 reply)

Signing up to b3ta :'(

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 28 Jul 2014, 20:44, 5 replies)

I once took the wires from a 6v brake light, wired a plug on to the end and plugged it into the mains.
It exploded.
( Peej, Mon 28 Jul 2014, 15:50, 4 replies)

Why do some people give their kids stupid fucking names?
www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/commonwealth-games/28175561

Poor reporter.
( Muns, Mon 28 Jul 2014, 13:19, 17 replies)

Guessing correctly
That "what it is yet" is Rolf's scaly pecker
(Moag_R_Brainbow kicks the mods dog to death out of pity, Mon 28 Jul 2014, 13:07, Reply)

In the words of my mate: "Don't you hate it when you say something dickish trying to be funny, and people miss it and just think you're a dick?"
Thus at the weekend at a family party, having returned from a mission, I said to my sister, across the table, "I see there's a shop down the road called Country Butchers - does it belong to David Cameron?! Ahem! Ahem!"

Which got me stared at by everyone like I'm fucking special.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 28 Jul 2014, 10:43, 4 replies)

Posh bath salts innit.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 28 Jul 2014, 10:40, Reply)

Last weekend It was sunny so I decided to leave my cardigan at home
But it turned out to be quite chilly
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 28 Jul 2014, 8:26, 4 replies)

Decided to make some Hash Oil....
Using butane... In a very, very small closed bathroom.

Decided to shut the vents, and the window, in case the neigbors smelled anything suspect.

Extracting I go, got through about three lighter-gas refill's worth when
my head was going 'WOOOMMMM WOOOMMM WOOOOMMM' and the walls were breathing, and everything was all sparkly, and everything was all wibbly wobbly tinfoily, so I abandoned ship, to outside, and wheezed for a while.

In retrospect, lucky I never blew my fucking fool self up or asphyxiated.

In case you were wondering, it yielded a pathetic amount, that I could not work out how to un-stick from the glass collection tray, that made you choke like a bastard when heated.

All round fail I thought.

EDIT: Whoops, forgot to say MASSIVE DRUGS!
(yeswehavenopasties, Mon 28 Jul 2014, 1:31, Reply)

Slate in the barbeque
In theory, bricks can act as a heat sink, and help keep the barbie hot.

In practice, when placed in the hot barbeque by drunk engineers and an ex-squadie, scavenged slabs of slate may - being flakey sedimentary stone, and lying exposed on the wet earth, and thus filled with pockets tiny of water trapped in between the layers - explode, sending sharp flakes of slate and burning charcoal all over the patio of the posh rented cottage.

We retreated to the kitchen and waited for it all to cook off.
Our veteran mate said it was like chucking ammo in the campfire, only less predictable.
( Invisible Wizard - 9th Level Pissant, Sun 27 Jul 2014, 18:14, 8 replies)

couldn't find the football, used a golf ball instead
(A small damp ball of cotton, Sun 27 Jul 2014, 18:08, 1 reply)

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sun 27 Jul 2014, 16:10, 17 replies)

How to make your own ultra-bright warning beacon... briefly.
Years ago, a friend of mine used to throw 'parties'. He'd invite you over with claims that half the neighborhood would come and everyone would get laid. What usually happened is that me and one or two others from our group would come over and get stoned and bored. One day, there was a fella there that we all knew from college. Quite a clever guy, but a bit of a twat and probably long since jailed. Anyway...

The night before the party thrower, and another guy, had raided some buildings in a local quarry. One of the items stolen was a magnetic amber flashing beacon taken from one of the trucks. It turned out to be a 24 volt, rather than a 12 so it couldn't be used in a normal car. It kind of ran from a battery charger, but not very well. After a while of having it half heatedly trying to flash while we drank crap beer and smoked up, Mark (for that was the little fuckers name) found a lonely 13 amp plug and decided that he would wire the poorly flashing beacon straight to the mains. He spent about ten minutes stripping back wires and wiring it up before plugging it in, giving a short count down while we all sat around the light, waiting to see what would happen.

Mark hit the switch. there was an almighty fucking bang, with a very bright and final orange flash and the entire house was plunged into darkness as the main breakers blew. It was a big house and the party host... fuck it, let's just call him Tim, he's not going to read this... Tim hadn't lived there long and didn't know where the breakers were. It took about fifteen minutes to locate the panel by Zippo light (God forbid he had a working torch) and when the power came on, we discovered that the beacon, which we had all been sitting far to close to, was full of smoke. when somebody broke the plastic dome off, it had bits of glass embedded all over the inside, one of which had nearly gone all the way through. The bulb had been completely blown to pieces. Had the plastic dome been cracked or weakened, it could have shattered we could have had flying glass coming right at us. Great idea in general.

After connecting the light back to the battery charger it was, not surprisingly, found to be completely fucked. I seem to remember that a club hammer was then produced and the thing was smashed into tiny pieces. When I look back, I feel so proud...
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Sun 27 Jul 2014, 15:54, Reply)

I once had a shit in the shower rather than face the hassle of getting out and going to the toilet whose bowl was over 5 feet away
When I attempted to stamp the turds down the drain, all they did was clog it up, and the shower started overflowing until the bathmat was soaked and flecked with faecal matter. In hindsight, it was a bad idea, but it was ok: it was somebody else's bathroom
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sun 27 Jul 2014, 14:38, 4 replies)

Golden Showers are a very bad idea.

Sure, it looks pretty straightforward in all those instructive magazines and videos - shave off all your body hair, speak German...then halfway through a perfectly good fuck, stop everything and unleash a stream of piss on each other. After the last drop of eye-stinging piss is delivered, carry on with some "normal" non-saline sex, until the partner's face is splurged with cock vomit.

With the benefit of hindsight, may I advise to never introduce piss into the equation. When it's sprung upon you without prior warning or agreement, it certainly puts you off your stride, it ain't pretty during delivery, it doesn't enhance the soft furnishings or compliment the mood.

Best leave it to the Germans.
( Ken Oath, Sun 27 Jul 2014, 12:56, 3 replies)

I once accepted a dinner invitation from Gonzo.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 27 Jul 2014, 10:45, 5 replies)

French fusion
I spent a weekend at an astronomical observatory with an eclectic group of international scholars, including two French astronomers very much in love. They were so cute and romantic. It was as if they were a single fused personality, with each completing the other's sentences.

I unwisely got into the back seat of a car with the French astronomers in the front seat, and we went driving around the mountain top. I thought the male half was driving, but he was only working the pedals. The female half was doing the steering, and in truth they really weren't a single coordinated person. Their lack of coordination caused them to lose control coming down a steep narrow washboard dirt road. We fish tailed back and forth and nearly flipped the car.

Love hurts, as they say.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 27 Jul 2014, 10:12, 4 replies)

david cameron
hahaha! topical and edgy.
( $$ ✅, Sun 27 Jul 2014, 9:53, 4 replies)

A level art.
6th form pottery class.I said to my mate, " See this lump of clay...shaped like a massive pointed tit... pretend it's Joe's head." Joe was our headmaster,a cunt and a half who had made our lives hell for the past six years.My mate stood up and before I could stop him he slammed his open hand down as hard as he could onto the lump of clay.I forgot to tell him that 'as a joke' I had secreted a wooden clay modelling tool vertically within the clay.The tit was duly flattened and the wooden tool passed almost completely through my ex mate's hand stretching the skin on his upper hand like a 5" translucent tepee.I threw up, our art teacher wet her knickers before fainting and my friend was dragged into the head's office to explain what had happened.To his credit he lied and said I had described the massive tit as being Hodgson, the school bully.
Oh, happy days.
(mallyjoe, Sat 26 Jul 2014, 17:02, 4 replies)

Phimrallax - Don't Do It
I have often heard it said that it is a bad idea to go to Phimrallax Alpha.

So one day I decided to go to Phimrallax Alpha.

Now I know why they say it is a bad idea to go to Phimrallax Alpha.

Don't go to Phimrallax Alpha. It's shit.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 26 Jul 2014, 16:10, 4 replies)

As a neo-soul/heavy metal fusion DJ
I like to mix the works of Erykah and Ronnie James.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Sat 26 Jul 2014, 14:45, 4 replies)

Why doesn't everyone just get fucked.
There are no real bad ideas. Just things you did and regretted or things you did and didn't regret. However neither of these two descriptions satisfying being a bad idea.

Hitler had some bad ideas conceptually. He didn't fucking regret it though.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 26 Jul 2014, 13:21, 8 replies)

I asked a B3ta mod to look after my dog while I went on holiday
:(
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sat 26 Jul 2014, 6:28, 3 replies)

Anyone said anything yet. if they have - BAD IDEA
snoozefuckingville - trainers, train thread

alt - bad idea


alt alt - shit rechell swoop convenyawnsing

altaltalt - new oozer name for trolling
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 25 Jul 2014, 22:22, 6 replies)

has anyone said B3ta yet?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 25 Jul 2014, 21:54, Reply)

This is classed as a good idea. Never read any qotfw answers that last more than one paragraph.
Personally, I feel I miss out on very little by following this pearl of wisdom. Interpret that as you wish.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 25 Jul 2014, 21:15, 8 replies)

WHAT?!
When I was a teen, there was a small newsagents that all us kids used to frequent, for sweets, football stickers and daring each other to shoplift. The staff turnover was pretty high for some reason (probably tiny wages). One day a new bloke (who looked like a very thin M. Night Shyamalan before anyone knew what M. Night Shyamalan looked like as this was the 80s) started in there. I thought it would be a whizz if, during the brief time this guy was staff, I pretended to be deaf. I would talk to him in my best "this is how deaf people talk" voice and stare fixedly at his lips when he spoke to me. My chums thought this was hilarious, as they were easily pleased.

Except of course this guy wasn't a temporary worker - he had just bought the newsagents and managed to turn it around. So, between the ages of 13 and 15 when in his shop I kept up the pretence that I was as deaf as a dead dog. It was fun for about three weeks. The other one hundred odd were an embarrassment. I was still applauded by idiotic friends for keeping up the pretence, but inwardly I hated going in there, scared that someone I knew would be in there who wasn't in on this pathetic joke and would blow my cover by calling to me. Some of the other school knobs would yell abusive names at me when I was in there, goading me to react. I just had to tough it out ... for some logic that now escapes me.

The summer when I was 15 involved me spending a lot of time away from home. I basically had six weeks of holidays with various relatives.

First day back at school I walked into the shop, chatting and yelling happily with my buddies. We'd all forgotten that in the shop, I was deaf. I even said "thank you" in a bright, clear voice when M. Night passed me my change. My insides went cold as I remembered that I should have been acting "hearing free" when in M. Night's presence. However, the smirk on M. Night's face told me two things: (1) he had never believed I was deaf in the first place and (2) I was an utter, utter, twat.

The irony of it all is I am now in my late 40s and have, according to my doctor's tests, the hearing of a 70 year old.
(jrd, Fri 25 Jul 2014, 19:36, 8 replies)