I once wrote to Stewart Lee
To ask him if he could sign a copy of his then latest DVD for my mate who is a massive fan.

To my surprise, he not only signed and returned the DVD (admittedly by way of a giant cock drawn in permanent marker on his own head, as well as his actual signature) but also thoughtfully included a pack of chalk.
( evilrob saw that ludicrous display last night, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:51, 2 replies)

My dad once got pissed with the cast of Dad's Army who were staying at the same hotel as him

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:48, Reply)

I once watched a colleague process an insurance renewal for Edwina Currie

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:46, 10 replies)

I once bought Sean Bean a macdonalds burger
but he was a prick about it so I ate it
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:43, Reply)

Told this story before but oh well
Nearly 30 years ago, My nan was on the train between Liverpool and London I believe when a long haired Phil Collins sat with her and was chatting about this band he was in called Genesis, which she noticed was on the shirt he was wearing. She thought he was some student who had started a band. He offered her a lift at the train station but she was waiting for her husband. She left him, patting him on the shoulder saying "I hope you do very well" not really expecting him to.

Few days later she pointed him out on the TV and my dad lost it.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:43, 4 replies)

I was on BBC's 'Food & Drink' twice

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:42, 4 replies)

When I was doing work experience at school
I was photocopying in the back room of the estate agents I was placed at,
and Barbara Dickson came in to look at some houses
I didn't see her
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:41, Reply)

a mate of mine has a pair of Minnie Driver's knickers

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:40, 3 replies)

The lead singer out of Tiny Monroe smiled at me once

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:39, Reply)

Margot Kidder
asked where I was from and I said Essex. She said she'd heard of that and it sounded lovely. I think she was lying
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:37, 1 reply)

I once accidentally said hello to James Dean Bradfield out of the Manic Street Preachers
he walked past me and I recognised him but didn't know why, so figuring I knew him I said 'Hello'
he said 'Hi' back
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:37, Reply)

Hugh Laurie hasn't got big toenails
I know this because I've seen him naked
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:35, Reply)

I fucked Amanda Holden's cousin
she was a bitch too
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:34, Reply)

I once accidentally knocked Graham Norton off the pavement

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:34, 2 replies)

I once kicked out at annoying pigeon in Berwick Street market
and Pascoe out of Dalziel & Pascoe gave me a dirty look
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:34, Reply)

One sunday afternoon I found myself sitting in the cab of a luton van
with Elijah Wood, who I sang a duet of the song 'Hard Fucking' by Tenacious D
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:33, Reply)

I've kissed Audrey Tatou

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:31, 1 reply)

i once annoyed Spudgun from Bottom in a pub when I was incredibly pissed
by shouting 'SPUDGUN' really loudly at him
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:31, 1 reply)

I believe I've told this story before,
but years ago, on my last day in a job and after my leaving lunch I was lagging behind everyone else on the way back to the office near Russell Square, struggling to light a cigarette in the wind, when I got stopped by a big fat bloke asking me dirctions to Great Ormond Street Hospital. A bottle of cheap white wine to the good, it seemed hilarious to me at the time to confidently and accurately direct him to the rear entrance of The British Museum. How I laughed as he strode off in completely the opposite direction to the one he really needed. "That'll teach the fucker for Viva Rock Vegas" I thought. And about an hour later I was struck down by guilt. No one goes to Great Ormond Street for a good reason.

What if i deprived a dying child of his life long dream to meet Fred Flintstone?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:29, Reply)

Prince Edward
A friend of mine was at Jesus College Cambridge, I was at a Polytechnic in London but used to go and stay with my mate because he had a better social life than I did. My mate was captain of the rugby team that Prince Edward was in, and one week Eddy had been knocked out during a game and my mate had carried him off the pitch. The following week I went to stay with my mate, and we went to get something to eat in the college. I had a girlfriend at the time who had a cat that I hated, and I was telling an expletive-laden and wildly embellished story about how the filthy vile creature had shat diarrhoea on the duvet, and had then tried to bury it; flicking liquid cat shit all over the bedroom. I was aware of being poked in the ribs by my mate, and looking up from my meal found myself face to face with a slack-jawed prince, a slice of roast beef dripping with gravy hovering from his open mouth. He didn't appear to have the appetite to eat it.
( Varmint, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:11, Reply)

Mediaeval Baebes
Does anyone here remember The Mediaeval Baebes? No - me neither - they were a bunch of pretty girls that could carry a tune (I think) put together by a Simon Fuller-alike or something but ANYWAY

The band I was in played a couple of - ahem - Witchfests. They were hilarious - festivals for "witches" and "pagans", and basically full of hippies trying to sell you pieces of rowan stick for £15 a pop and talking about the colour of their auras.

The Mediaeval Baebes were playing, and, well - my story is - one of them came into the communal dressing room (there were about six or seven bands playing), and didn't know how to make instant coffee. She was really brusque, rude, and clearly had a massive sense of entitlement.

TL;DR: I once saw a not-famous singer act like a prick.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:10, 1 reply)

I've had a beer with the Prime Minister
In conversation he's extremely nice and extremely posh. That's about it.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:04, 14 replies)

Paranormal investigations... in the loo
I had the privilege of showing skeptical paranormal investigator Joe Nickell how to work a Dyson Airblade hand drier.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 16:02, Reply)

Attenborough
When I was little I wrote a piece of fan mail to David Attenborough, saying how I wanted to be just like him and also providing a shit-quality snot-and-crayon drawing of a bonobo or something for him to enjoy.

Couple of weeks later having brekkie before school, I get a posh-looking piece of post, back when morning post was actually before 8am. My mum was curious; 7-year-old-girls don't get much post with embossed envelopes,and I was all like 'Prolly just David Attenborough.' She was like 'Nah, probably your Nan.'

I opened it at the breakfast table and it was indeed a hand-written-in-scrawly-old-man-writing letter from David Attenborough himself, thanking me for my correspondence, suggesting I go to university to study a biology related subject when I was older, and wishing me good luck in my future endeavors. LEGEND.

I think my mum was surprised to say the least (she didn't know I'd posted the fanmail in the first place) as I nonchalantly placed it in my schoolbag and proceeded with my Rice Krispies.

I'll try to scan the letter and get it on here if anyone's interested - I still have (and treasure) it and still want to be like David Attenborough. Not least because he makes the time to personally respond, by hand, on posh stationery, from his home address to young, slightly obnoxious, over-achieving children who just want to be among the beasts.
(dancebiscuits, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 15:49, 25 replies)

I went to primary school with TV presenter Ben Shepherd
I can't remember him in the slightest. Apparently he was rather annoying and played the piano in assemblies.
(cs1ca, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 15:43, Reply)

one of my mates
Releases techno records on Bunker Records and regularly gets playlisted by Dave Clark.

I once asked him to sign one of his own records. He refused.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 15:39, 4 replies)

I print Noddy Holders Xmas cards.
And David Dickinson's business cards.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 15:35, 2 replies)

Found a ladies purse
outside the Driftwood Spars pub in St Agnes Cornwall. Had a quick look inside, loads of cash / cards, thought I recognised the name on the drivers licence in the see through pocket.
Took the purse into the pub and gave it to the landlord. He had a quick look at it and took it over to a couple sat eating in the corner of the pub. The barman spoke to them then pointed at me to say who had handed it it. I put my hand up to acknowledge the fact that one of them was about to come over and reward my honest actions.
Did they fuck.
Carried on eating as if nothing had happened.
It was Keren Woodward, slag, multi-millionaire 'singer' with Bananarama, and her wanker of a husband, multi-millionaire ex 'singer' with Wham, Andrew Ridgeley.
Tight fisted cunts, and I didn't even get to meet them. Cunts.

Lovely pub though.

... and I saw Frank Butcher from Eastenders putting his bins out on Corfu. This was before his death obviously.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 15:20, 2 replies)

nightclub in liverpool city centre
i called wayne rooney a cunt.
sadly, i don't think he heard me.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 15:19, 8 replies)

My mum used to know Shaun Williamson's mum.
I doubt anyone will top this.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 5 Dec 2013, 15:18, 3 replies)