Freud
A tall ginger friend of mine loves to tell this little one...

A Freudian slip is where you say one thing and do your mother.


pardon. first post.
(EvaLynne, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 7:07, 2 replies)

There's now't so queer as folk
Talking with a friend Charlotte about a mutual acquaintance.
She says "Look, it can't be easy being gay in a small northern town can it?"
'You reckon?' says I 'from what I hear Hebden Bridge is the lesbian capitol of England at the moment!'
"Yeah" she concedes "but lesbians go down better!"
('tin'tintin, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 4:11, Reply)

Double Entendre
Last week I had a conversdation with my girlfriend on the differences on a double entendre and a sexual innuendo. She was still unsure about it and asked me to give her an example of a double entendre.

So I gave her one.

Be kind, first post.
(Big Tom Reaching new heights of mediocrity since 1988, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 3:18, 7 replies)

Biochemist Humour
Be gentle.
This one didn't come from me, but I was working at a genetics company and we had a fairly multinational mix. In our field sometimes the proteins we studdied splits, or 'cleaves'. I think you can guess where this is going. Anyway, Fan (chinese) is showing Koen (dutch) her latest analysis, resulting in the priceless, straightfaced comment, "Hey, Fan, nice cleavage!" Other members of the lab dissolved into Sid James-style chuckling.
On another note, at a party with work colleagues and our resident goth is there wearing a black vest-style top affording a good view of her tattoos - as well as her othernot inconsiderable attributes. Prompting me to stop her and state, genuinely about the tats 'My god! Those are fabulous!', then, being possessed by the ghost of Sid James, '...And the tattoos aren't bad either.'
My mate, a passed master at the filthy comment, nodded sagely beside me before I made a swift getaway.
(sleekloon Curing Cancer one cell at a time., Wed 18 Jun 2008, 3:03, 1 reply)

Oh God!
I'd forgotten this. Standing on George Square in Glasgow at 3 AM waiting for a taxi a few weeks back, this rather attractive blonde runs up to us and asks "do you want a sausage supper?" causing me to splutterlol. Her taxi had arrived and she couldn't take her food with her.

What really made it was the old fellow standing nearby, who went into a fit of laughing and shouted "you canny turn down an offer like that, boys!"
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 2:33, Reply)

gta
playing gta iv online the other week, this guy was in helicopter in the airport when he was attacked by someone else from behind in another helicopter. he replied with the immortal line...

"hey, who's coming up my rear?"

didn't really go down well with everyone but it was pretty funny at the time
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 0:34, Reply)

at the pub...
friend; What you been up to then?
me; just bumming around. I like bumming...

cue sniggering...not fun... I'm now Ryf de la Anal...
(Ryfelwr can't stop here... this is bat country, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 23:30, Reply)

Musical Instrument
In a school outing to an Indian music festival thing I asked the girl next to me "can you hold my bols for a minute while i go to the bog?"

Bols are tiny symbol things.
Bog aka toilet.
(Treadfeather, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 22:39, 4 replies)

I feel like I've come too late
This QOTW is really slowing down...
( Cawl, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 22:35, 196 replies)

I've got a horrible feeling...
...that someone else will have already posted this, but I'm not reading through 36 pages to find it. So let me just say now that I once carved a polo mint using some old dentures and lumberjack tools, then stuck it up your arse.

That was my Axe-y Dental in-your-end 'o'.

*bows*
*runs from hurled fruit*
(nobuttocks last besmirched the internet on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 22:25, 1 reply)

Pet shops in Pinner?
I dunno, you tell me.


(spankybumchunks, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 21:53, Reply)

Deliberate Inuendo
I had to fill an audit in regarding what we provide for nursing students on my ward; I was meticulous in my spelling and punctuation, double checking it etc. And then I deliberately left the "l" out of public.
(kitescreech still here, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 21:52, Reply)

Hairdressers
Down where my parents live and where I grew up is a salon called "Dead Swanky"
the people living bove the shop (I mention no names) Kept stealing the 'S'

The sign ended up in FHM!
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Tue 17 Jun 2008, 21:37, 2 replies)

On holiday
On route to the beach from the caravan whilst on holiday in Wales, my dad, laden with deck chairs and towels, spots a public toilets. 'I´m just off for a wee' says my dad. 'Do you want me to hold anything?' my mom shouts after him, eliciting a guffaw from a chap passing by.
(druidus, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 21:32, Reply)

Have just heard a trailer
for a documetary on 5 - "Viagra - 10 years on the rise"
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 21:12, 2 replies)

accidental...
Once, when travelling with pater and my brother in the car I happened to yell back at him from the passenger seat, "Hey, can you get me a particular tape out of my bag?", to which pater said, "I'm not listening to your music."

My ripost, quite unintentionally, was "I don't want to force it on anyone I just want to get it out."

True anecdote, promise.
(quotha Get ready for The Goblin's Foot!, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 21:05, Reply)

Two cultures, two languages
On my first trip to San Francisco I was in a bar and ran out of cigarettes. In retrospect asking where the fag machine was was a bit of a mistake, at least judging from the look on the bar man's face.
(paxvobiscum, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 21:04, 1 reply)

Widen your... in a minute.
I have a friend. Let's just call him... not me... who, when drunk, repeats what you've said with "I'll [insert sentence here] in a minute."

At a party, let's call it a theatrical do, a beautiful young lady said "I'm sorry I late, I had a wide hole in my tights and had to change them."

In his bid to impress her he said "I'll widen your hole in a minute."

Accidental innuendo as informal threat of violation?

Tut tut.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 20:37, Reply)

They all want to be in my gang...
I can be quite eloquent when I try. Despite the northern accent and propensity to curse like a navvy, I’ve been told that one of my strengths is my ability to explain scientific concepts in a clear, concise manner and to convey instructions to students in such a way that they feel confident that they understand what it is that I want them to do. I’ve also been working on my “dealing with people” skills (yes, I’m applying for jobs) as we’ve been having a few issues at work with postdocs treating undergraduate students like slaves. I was asked to step in and mediate in one instance to try to resolve the issue. I gathered together some of the undergraduates and we talked through what they felt the issues were and what we could do as a group to resolve them. I used the occasion to canvas their opinion on what they thought my strengths and weaknesses were in terms of supervision so that I could work on these.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that the students found me easy to work with. They weren’t shy about telling me where I needed help (“not panicking” was one of the things they suggested I could try harder at).

Now I said I can be quite eloquent. This, unfortunately only comes as part of an iterative process, where I work out what it is that I’d like to say and carefully hone it so that the words eventually leave my mouth in the right order, minus the “ums”, “erms” and “fucks”. I’m not good if put on the spot. I was asked by a colleague about the outcome of my meeting with the students and how they had rated me. One of the things we had discussed was motivation and that they felt that I was good at motivating them to carry out experiments that they were nervous about or that they had been putting off.

Unfortunately when I tried to convey this to my colleague, I told them that, “the students say I make them do stuff with me. You know, unpleasant things. Things they don’t want to do…”

The silence that followed has been hitherto unmatched in duration or awkwardness.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 20:35, 6 replies)

HDRI imaging
Im in a flickr group about HDRI, and one of the discussions is whether to shoot raw or jpg, some wag has put

'be sure you have a big one before shooting in raw'

I giggled, I know I shouldn't have, but I did
(lordy lordy, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 20:13, 1 reply)

Innuendo?
I'll in-your-end-o!
(shungho, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 20:00, 1 reply)

*pfffft*
Friend comments on friend's photo on Facebook:

[Maladicta's friend] commented on [someone]'s photo.
Where's the photo of the one with the girls on the bottom?
( Maladicta, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 19:53, Reply)

Terry Wogan
Was it just me, or did Terry's traffic totty yesterday do a report about an area of Glasgow with the words "Ladys but has been blocked for some time" and manage to finish but you could hear the smile in her voice?
(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Tue 17 Jun 2008, 19:49, 5 replies)

Badly handled innuendo
I work part-time in the local old-mans boozer. One night I was in my usual position (sat on my bum on a bar stool awaiting instruction) when a middle aged gent entered the pub and approached the bar. Surveying our large range of draught bitters, he ummed and erred for a while before asking for:

'One of your handjobs please'

whilst making a pulling motion with his arm.

I know what he meant, but ended up wheezing with silent laughter, shoulders a-shaking, while having to deliver said 'handjob' ie. pint of bitter for those unfamiliar with the good ole British pub.

That should have been it, and I wish to god it had been, but when the hysteria began to subside I replied;

'I'm afraid I don't do those'

and then, for why I do not know, said;

'Oh, well, I do, just not in here'

When I saw the look of horror on his face, I realised I'd just told a respectable-looking, pillar of the community-type complete stranger, that I wank people off in my spare time.

Horrors.

First post - yay woo!
(G-Lo, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 19:31, 6 replies)

Living the company values
One of our corporate values, as originated by the illustrious senior management (you know, those guys with their devilish perception of language and popular cultural references) is:

The Client Comes First

Happy finish anybody?
(clockworkkillbot, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 19:16, Reply)

Proof that the voice work autonomously
I studied Italian at university. This meant two years in the UK, one year abroad and then the final year back in the UK.

During my year abroad, I was asked to join the ladies' football team for the college I was in. I am possibly the least sporty person alive, so this was laughably inappropriate.

Back in the UK, I was telling a uni friend about this, a friend I had a gay crush on who was in our university football team.

"Honestly," I said. "Can you imagine me dribbling between people's legs?"

This statement kept her giggling, and me blushing, for about three hours.

On my return to the UK for my final year, I moved into a house that had a bin in the back yard, but no way of carrying it through to the road for refuse collection (except through the house, which I found appallingly unhygienic, even though I was a 12-day-old bowl of cornflakes-eating student). My new housemate explained that it was OK, as there was a passageway behind the backyard and you left the bin there on collection days.

"Right," I said. "So the bin men come up your back passage?"

In both these instances, I knew - halfway through speaking these ill-fated sentences, that I needed to shut up, but my voice and mouth just carried on regardless. Free will is an illusion, it really is.
(McGingersnap, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 19:05, 2 replies)

A geography field trip to the Pembrokeshire coast.
We got a supply teacher called Mrs Barker.. For some reason we christened her Mrs Cadaver, I forget why now.

The entire 5 days were spent passing thinly veiled sexual innuendoes in front of her.

On a beach profile exercise with a theodolite and ranging pole:
"Excuse me 'x' could you help me manouvre my rig around your pole?"

On leaving the minibus lights on and explaining to her why the bus would no longer start:
"We've worked it too hard, all the juice has leaked out"

A comment from her about a passing car:
"My husbands one is bigger than that. Whenever he gets inside mine, he comments on how little space there is.."

When we put salt in her tea instead of sugar.
"It's too salty, it's making me gag!"

The crowning glory was when me and a classmate drew an enormous 300 foot long cock in the sand on Tenby beach. She collared us when we got back up to the top of the cliff and demanded:
"Go back down and rub that off now!"

Stupid bitch, she was the worst teacher I'd ever known.
(Vic Flange, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 18:52, Reply)

Near Spitalflids Market
On Commercial Street is a luverley little shop selling material
It's called "touching cloth"
I giggle every time I walk past it.
(Vinegar strokes Should know better on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 18:07, 1 reply)

I was in my art class...
and a guy complimented my hair (it was in two plaits at the time).

I laughed and said 'They're handlebars.'

suffice to say i never had my hair like that again.
(Purple Noodle is conjugating the verb 'to go', Tue 17 Jun 2008, 17:56, Reply)