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This is a question Off Topic

Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.

(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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So some kept breaking wind in Swipe's direction this morning.
What is the worst thing about travelling on public transport? What would you change?

Alt: if you could create another form of transport what would it be?

AltAlt: are you staring at my pint?

AltAltAlt: Why do people ask Alt questions?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:36, Reply)
Alt: If Back to the Future is to be believed
and I see no reason why it shouldn't, hoverboards and flying cars are now only three years away.

AltAlt: Something something pint-sized something.

AltAltAlt: Because the main question is shit.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:42, Reply)
No school children on there.
Alt: Something like hoverboards, definitely.

Alt Alt: Mr Battered, you need to place your sample over there, not just leave it on the table.

Alt Alt Alt: Just because.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:45, Reply)
The bigger kids are still picking on you?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:49, Reply)
No, just sick of hearing the girls shouting shit at each other, drives me up the wall.
Also, I'm not Battered.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:52, Reply)
Nobody is foolish enough to pick on me - I'm the angriest person on the web.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:55, Reply)
thats why i want a battered mobile
it'll be totally good for the environment, since it will be powered entirely by getting angry at the internet
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:01, Reply)
This is very good idea. I want one too.
When you want it to brake you have to take everything too seriously.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:11, Reply)
Gravity trains.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:45, Reply)
?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:59, Reply)
Dig a hole through the earth, jump down and if you'll come out the other side
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravity_train
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:01, Reply)
Cool

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:03, Reply)
i don't use public transport, are you descriminitaing against me?
alt the Battered Mobile

altalt yes, your pint is a poof

altaltalt what thingy said, the main question is shit
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:46, Reply)
The worst thing about travelling on public transport?
Outside the capital and (most) cities - the inconvenience and infrequency.
Alt: Teleportation

AltAlt: Yeah, I am. So fuckin' what!!

AltAltAlt: Fucked if I know.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:48, Reply)
Either a) Being held at a red signal to regulate the service.
I couldn't give a shit about the train in front of or indeed behind the one I'm on. Get moving you fucking cunt.

or b) Tube drivers: their salaries and their blackmailing of London

Alt: Whites only buses and trains, to protect our homeless kids from predatory gangs of Muslim rapists

Alt alt: I simply wondered what that was down there. Bit hard to see from here.

Alt alt alt: To enable even little Timmy to be able to contribute in some way. Alt questions are the equivalent of the shit roles in school plays.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:50, Reply)
i read somewhere that the more alts you have in the post
the gayer the poster
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:52, Reply)
Is it here ^ ?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:54, Reply)
it was on the news

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:54, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1549324
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:55, Reply)
if you're asking me out, i accept

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:56, Reply)

Alt Alt: that's because your eyesight is ruined by drugs and the fact you are a stupendous wanker of the highest order.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:54, Reply)
In summary, Monty gives a good hand job then?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:59, Reply)
Worst thing is JUST missing a metro at my stop
as you have to peg it down the stairs and everyone lols heartily as the doors shut 0.2 seconds before you get there.

Alt:
Teleportation chamber

Alt Alt:
No, I'm drinking it

Alt Alt Alt:
To give people more things to talk about?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 10:54, Reply)
I think the worst thing is the prrice and the fact it is underfunded.
I'd plow massive government subsidies into public transport and ban the majority of private vehicles from central london.

Alt: I'd like to see more trams. Or those moving walkway things they have in that asimov book with the robot detective. Caves of Steel, that's the one.

AltAlt: Yup, whatcha gonna do about it?

AltAltAlt: incase the first one's shit, innit?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:01, Reply)
Give it up Ken, you lost, OK?
Deal with it. Sheesh.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:10, Reply)
Needs MOAR mole

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:11, Reply)
Needs moar 'people of Lundin'

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:14, Reply)
Didin't even vote for the fucker.
Fuck off Boyce.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:11, Reply)
You couldn't bring yourself to vote for such a rabid right-winger, right?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)
Driving is by far the best way to get about

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:12, Reply)
Incorrect.
Getting lifts is.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)
I too have a farty train nemesis
Except she is a slim girl in her very early twenties who wears floaty little summer dresses, so whenever someone walks through the carriage they wrinkle their nose in my direction, whilst she continues to befoul the air with impunity. And I've tried getting on another carriage, but she seems to follow me.

Help.

What would I change, aside from flatulent nymphettes in floral outfits? The cost. After that, I'd make special provision in the law to have the chairman of Southeastern Trains put in a pillory at Charing Cross station so that everyone could throw rotten fruit at him whenever their train is late because a guard is too busy eating a sandwich to do their job.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:11, Reply)
I'd advise brutally ravaging her, but as your other half also frequents these pages, it might not be such a good idea.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)
I'm not ravaging anything that makes cabbagey, rotten egg type smells with such alarming frequency
I wouldn't have any eyebrows left.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)
+again

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)
People should pay for their transport by a combination of weight and width
Then, and only then, is your fat fucking arse allowed to spread across two seats.

Until you pay more than me, don't act like a miserable prick when I don't make allowances for the fact that you are shovelling fistfuls of Quavers from a grab bag into your greasy, sweaty ill looking face while trying to fit two spacehopper sized thighs under the table.

Alt: I think there should be a massive waterslide from the top of The Shard to my back door. And then a highspeed cable car for my own personal use back in the other direction.

AltAlt: Probably. I'm jealous.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:11, Reply)
Barclays customers already have this

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:13, Reply)
Anyone who's too wide to fit in the seat should be made to run behind the train until they meet the required standard
I'd go so far as to staple a pizza to the back of the train as an extra incentive.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:13, Reply)
Good planning

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:14, Reply)
The spectator comedy value would entice more people to use trains.
Or at least watch them go by, pursued by a queue of waddling fattehs parodying The Benny Hill Show.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)
I'm already picturing the pile up every time the train stops unexpectedly.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)
Every station tannoy would play "Yakkety Sax" as trains go through.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)
People are the worst thing about public transport
The retched and contagious populous filling the carriage with their pointless breath and inane converstations.

Alt: teleportation
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:11, Reply)
Wretched, you fucking spanner.
And 'converstations'? Give up, you imbecile.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:12, Reply)
They puke in their trainers

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:14, Reply)
It was a pun on train based travel....

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)
Yeah yeah

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)
Chinny fucking reck-on son.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:18, Reply)


(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:22, Reply)
My phone seems to hav stopped autocorrecting

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)
Don't worry, I'll do it for you.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)
Thanks.
Can you add some encouraging insults at the same time please ?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)
Sure thing!

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)
Did it ever start?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)
So your excuse for shit spelling is that you can't even work your phone properly?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)
no my excuse is that I can't spell for shit
When I'm writing something matters I check over it, I do t bother for this place though.

Also typing on a phone isn't exactly ideal
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:18, Reply)
The trouble with spellcheckers is..
... they won't correct a word if it's correctly spelled. Hence 'retched' - a perfectly correctly spelled word, it's just that you meant 'wretched'.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:22, Reply)
This is known as the 'bent spastic paradox'

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:23, Reply)
You can read more about it here:
https://m.waterstones.com/BookDetails.aspx?bookId=8663195
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:30, Reply)
The trouble with Naked Ape is...
...he's a bent spastic.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:24, Reply)
That is only the beginning

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:25, Reply)
Get some thinner fingers you chubby prick.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:22, Reply)
But then I'll never satisfy your mum

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:24, Reply)
Thanks Jeremy Beadle

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:25, Reply)
Watch out beadle's about, beadle's about

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:26, Reply)
Thanks for that.
Great post. Would read again *******

Paul Ross, News of the World
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:32, Reply)
So you're saying your cock is smaller than your chubby fingers?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:26, Reply)
No way I'm putting my cock in your mum's sulphurous slot

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:27, Reply)
Did Ape always have an underscore?
Or is he now Fake Ape?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:28, Reply)
FakedApe.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)
Rory stole my real name ages ago :(

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:30, Reply)
The faker in this thread is Darth_Faketrot.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)
O2 are such mongols.
My phone broke two months ago, whilst still under warranty. The replacement phone is playing up so I rang them this morning, only to be told that the warranty had expired. The dozy northern bint tried to tell me that the remaining one month of warranty from my previous handset was all I got on the new one.

Needless to say I abused her and passed her amongst my Muslim brothers in the greater Manchester area until she capitulated.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)
copy and paste some legal sounding stuff off the internet into a email
it means you skip past the "meat shield" of retards on the front line and deal with someone who actualy knows (sort of) what they're doing.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:32, Reply)
he should get rachelswipe to write something up on her shotgun bastard & dribble headed paper

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:33, Reply)
No need.
I am now getting a brand new handset tomorrow (with another year's warranty), and the same monthly package for less, due to my FEARSOME TELEPHONE BULLYING*

*phrases such as 'ARE YOU SERIOUSALY TRYING TO TELL ME' and 'IN MY TWELVE YEARS AS A CUSTOMER OF YOURS I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A RIDICULOUS' were employed
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:34, Reply)
+ 'I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE' and 'I AM GOING TO RAPE YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE ME A NEW PHONE'

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:39, Reply)
'I HAVE YOUR KIDS HOSTAGE'

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:44, Reply)
+ BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE MY OWN

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:47, Reply)
*stern face*
Now steady on.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:50, Reply)
bender x

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:56, Reply)
Ouch!

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:53, Reply)
I've just been forwarded a customer complaint,
from a customer who has BEEN MEASURED BY MENSA TO HAVE AN IQ OF 155!!!
and who is also BRITISH TO THE BONE!!!
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:41, Reply)
Well I hope that now you will take my complaint seriously, Narinder.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:44, Reply)
nothing to boast of
I got either 156 or 165 on one of their poxy tests and I'm not exactly a fucking genius.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:46, Reply)
Never a truer word said.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:47, Reply)
Did it also test for dyscalculia?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:50, Reply)
Oh v good

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:50, Reply)
Silly tangles
CQ is not a vampire
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:51, Reply)
Cool story.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:32, Reply)
Putting your phone onto 'vibrate'
then shoving it up your fetid dirtbox may have invalidated your warranty.

Just saying.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:34, Reply)
Yes but I used to be married to Cheryl Cole - surely that counts for something?

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:49, Reply)
Cheryl Curl

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:54, Reply)
Yes it does
You are black, well past your best and trying (and failing) to keep yourself in the closet.

Sorry to be the bearer, etc..
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:00, Reply)
He is the best left back in the world, Ashally

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:04, Reply)
Oh you should listen to todays womans hour on the iPlayer
primarily because you're a girl, but also because there was a discussion about kids and access and shit like that.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:34, Reply)
Ah I see.
Shame I missed it.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)
Though she is technically correct
You can still get them on the rules about reasonable expectation of lifespan. Our washing machine died after 14 months and they said sorry tough shit and we pointed out that 14 months for an 800 washing machine was not what a reasonable person would expect from the appliance and quoted the Consumer Guarantees Act at them. We got a new one free of charge.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)
Your mum is technically correct.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:40, Reply)
Just not anatomically, as I'm sure she shouldn't be able to trip over her own tits.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:41, Reply)
Bitch be tit tripping

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:42, Reply)
This post almost gets you off the 'converstation' one earlier.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:47, Reply)
My mum is younger than half of the old cunt on OT
No tit trippin for her yet
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:44, Reply)
Vodafone don't have visual voicemail on the iphone, according to their forms, they've been trying to do it for 4 years.
When I asked them about it, he said their enginers are working on it _now_ and it'll be 'released soon'... pretty much the exact thing their forum post from 2009 said.

I thought vodafone was all about business, I'm buying out my contract and moving back to O2 when my contract is done.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:07, Reply)
I was on public transport yesterday
And this dickhead behind me was going on to his mate about how a fucked a girl last night. Good for you I thought but he went on about how upset he was because he liked her but she just wanted to be fuck buddies. Then he moaned about how she bit him. So the guy gets to have regular sex with a girl he likes who sounds a bit active in the sack, with no commitment and he's fucking complaining, what a twat. And that is what I hate about public transport, the public.

Alt: Tubes like in Futurama

AltAlt: Depends on if its a pint of girly lager or proper beer

AltAltAlt: Because they are insecure about their sexuality.

Can I go home now?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:32, Reply)
I think you are projecting when you wish for "tubes"

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)
I think you are a bent spastic.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:42, Reply)
The worst thing about travelling alone on trains
is that you can't just get up and wander about and leave all your stuff on the seat. I don't mind doing it on planes and coaches, and I don't know what the difference is with trains. I'd have stewards in each carriage on trains, the way you do in the first class carriages. If they wanted to keep fetching me free drinks too, that would be awesome.

Alt: transporter beam.

Alt Alt: No I am not, you tedious cunt.

Alt Alt Alt: it's a throwback from when /OT used to be interesting.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:42, Reply)
THERE ARE THIEVES EVERYWHERE!
Probably best just to stay at home, eh?
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:44, Reply)
When was that?
Links would be helpful
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:56, Reply)
Before I got here

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:16, Reply)
I hate people rushing to get the tube.
There'll be another one in two minutes you daft cunts, you may be late for something but that's your own fault, don't push past me without apologising so you can be two whole minutes less late.
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:42, Reply)
Yes but 2 minutes to you and me is 2 minutes
2 minutes to people like swipey is 550000 quid +VAT
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 11:47, Reply)
+ disbs

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:03, Reply)
ROCKET SHOES!!!!!!!

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:01, Reply)
Elton John's less successful etc...

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:03, Reply)
Donno, public transport is alright, but sometimes I prefer a cab, depends on the situation.
This made me =/ www.guardian.co.uk/world/interactive/2012/may/08/gay-rights-united-states?fb=native
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:14, Reply)
i like the pretty colors

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:15, Reply)
Oh man, I donno if you realised, but they all mean different things, when you highlight a section (which is each state) on the side it'll tell you what they can and can't do.

(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:50, Reply)
You're totally addicted to cabs
Not crabs, which I originally wrote
(, Wed 9 May 2012, 12:53, Reply)

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