Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Good morning allSo it's a sunny day, it's a friday, I have already recieved a text from a member of staff saying that they will not be in today & would I kindly look after X-Y & Z for them, I know it's an excuse to have an early weekend, so excuses you have used, what, where, why and how?
www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/aug/09/couple-falsely-claim-child-missing
Alt:Say something nice, I dare you.
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 7:15,
170 replies,
latest was 7 years ago)
I'm pleasedYour absent staff trust you with the office Coldplay cd.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 7:31,
Reply)
Not my staff Jeffer's, I'm somewhat lucky that I have no staff below or above me in the office I work from.It just means I will receive part of his workload for the day.
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 7:57,
Reply)
if you aint his manager why is he telling you?(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:13,
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I get all his e-mails diverted to me(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:24,
Reply)
Morning RoryI thought I was spakkerman, Is wilf the moustache one that Monty really gets on well with?
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 7:59,
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you both share positive vibes in your threads mannow please fall off your bike under a six wheeler to fulfill your potential
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:07,
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Thanks I knew you could be niceMumsnet here I come
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:21,
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"I'm sick with a migraine and can't go out into bright lights".Worked a treat. What did I do instead? Studied like a motherfucker.
Alt: I'd sooner rip out each one of my arteries with my fingernails than be nice at the moment.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:07, Reply)
What would Skippy say?(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:20,
Reply)
He'd say someone is trapped down a mine.Lying marsupial cunt.
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Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:27,
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The day after a lunchtime 'team building'* meeting where I was the only one who ordered seafood......'Can't come in today, daredn't be more than six feet from a toilet' - worked a treat, no-one wanted to question me further. Had a great day faffing about on t'interweb.
Alt: It's a beautiful day, Ihope it carries on into the weekend and you all have a great and relaxing time.
*Read 'An utter pointless and patronising waste of my time to the point where I was actually contemplating punching the MD square in the mouth'
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:20, Reply)
By faffing about on t'interwebYou mean cry wanking all day don't cha?
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:23,
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Of courseAnd your point is? Right this minute I'm sitting here stark naked except for some strategically placed pieces of stippled latex and clothespegs, slathered in a mixture of KY and patchouli oil, but then who amongst us isn't?
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:28, Reply)
No point in just loosening one's tie.(
Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:36,
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There still have to be standardsYour latex colour shouldn't clash with the clothespegs, for example. Just simple ettiquette stuff really, don't drip KY on someone else's paperwork and any spurts should bo on one's own monitor, and cleaned up before hometime.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:50, Reply)
good morning Hartley, you look smashing today, have you dono something new with your hair?Is that a new dress?
I was drunk in London once, didn't wanna come back for work, luckily for me, i was chefing then, and you can't work for 48 hours if you have the shots, so told him I had the galloping runs and boom, 2 days more partying.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:28,
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almost.Y'alright KP?
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:32,
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They're making a CGI movie of ALFJust when you thought they couldn't sink any lower
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:38, Reply)
I think its time we burned down hollywood.(
Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:41,
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Of all the shite they've remade/rebooted/reimagined over the last 10 yearsWhy have they never done a remake of The Warriors? I reckon they could do something with that. Gang culture has...changed a fair bit since the original was made.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:42, Reply)
they have KP.(
Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:45,
Reply)
According to IMDB it never got madewww.imdb.com/title/tt0080120/faq#.2.1.2
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:48, Reply)
there we go.Good. A decision I can support.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:50,
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the original is excellent kp, i agree, A remake would be shit.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:07,
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Remakes are typically terribleBut you never know. KEEP THE FAITH WINDY! KEEP IT!
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:10, Reply)
A couple years ago i think, Didn't see it. I'm guessing no.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:48,
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I don't think they have.There was talk of it, with Tony Scott, but I'm about 95% sure it hasn't happened yet.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:49,
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Nope it never happenedRock star bought the rights to the movie about 7 years ago and released a shit game on the PS2
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:17,
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I don't trust any of the negroes in my officeseems to work a treat
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:30, Reply)
"Sorry I'm late, I forgot to get off the boat"It was actually true because I am THAT stupid.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:40,
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*gameshow applause* It's Scarpe !(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:42,
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Please, it goes "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAARPE!"
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:43,
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I need an excuse for this morning, horrendous hangover leaving me fit for nothing. I have a lot to do today. Damn my friends for forcing cider down my throat until 3am.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:45,
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I was going to do the obvious cock strikethroughbut I think drinking cider might be even gayer.
Morning twatface.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:49, Reply)
Yes I facking amOut on the piss tonight, going away this weekend and off to Italy Wednesday. Just have to negotiate three more days of four people's work. And yourself?
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:55, Reply)
Very tired. Extremely hungover. V good apart from these things. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:58,
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bacainelolz(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:18,
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"We're going to be late, Google Maps is a lying cunt"More times than I care to remember. Better then the AA's website though, they talk BOLLOCKS.
Alt: Simon Cox might sign today apparently (stress: MIGHT), dunno if this is the solution to our goalscoring woes or just a seventh not-quite-good enough striker on the books.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:48, Reply)
Oi, are your lot going to sign Ryan Hall or what?(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:50,
Reply)
Not heard that one mateand we've been linked with everyone from Aaron A. Aaronson to Zebediah Z. Zorro since the Al-Hasawis took over.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:52, Reply)
OK, just gossip among Southend Fans then, I hope.(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:53,
Reply)
Ha, you know what, I don't think any of us had even thought of that.And yeah, best player in the division on the days where he doesn't play like he thinks he's the best player in the division, if that makes sense.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:59,
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It doesn'tIn fact none of this conversation makes any sense to me.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:02,
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Cristiano Ronaldo syndromeExcept he doesn't have a million on his hair gel budget
#Jadakisslols
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:03, Reply)
The word in the WestIs that you might be in for Maynard if the Hammers sign another striker.
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:01,
Reply)
He's an excellent Championship-level strikerNot sure he ever really got the chance to show whether he could cut it in the Prem.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:14,
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I don't make up excuses to get out of workIf I need time off I am able to book it off as paid holiday.
This seems to work fairly well for both me and my employer.
Alt: Cunt.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:56,
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SimilarlyLast time I went to hospital I told my boss I needed a day off as I was undergoing minor surgery. He seemed to accept this as a reasonable excuse for time off. What a world eh??
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 8:58, Reply)
terrible ain't it, I had to take 2 months off after a nasty accident, and I still got paid due to my longevity within the company. It's a wonder the world still spins.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:20,
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Injured in an accident that wasn't your fault?Watch where you are fucking going!
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:25,
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Injured in an accident that was your fault?Blame someone else and claim thousands of pounds you dole scum cunt fart.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:27,
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When will David CameWRONG learnThat paying people for being loyal and hardworking is RUINING the fabric of this great nation. IF PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO WORK THEY SHOULDN'T BE FORCED TO!
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:26, Reply)
Morning 'dozerYork was fucking great
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:24,
Reply)
"It's never happened before"Alt:
I feel fucking great these last two days. I have an all afternoon/evening BBQ planned for tomorrow and its going to be lovely all weekend
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:08,
Reply)
"I can't come in today, I'm in Sheffield"I went to a weekend party and my lift was too fucked to drive Monday morning. Not technically an excuse but I did consent to carrying on drinking into Sunday evening/Monday morning.
I usually use the shits if I'm too hungover to come in to work. /notanalcoholichonest
Alt: Well done Jade Jones, Olympic Gold in the Combat Hopping.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:12,
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Alt: This thread is fucking shit, but there have been fucking shitter ones(
Reginald Donkeyfuck, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:13,
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Excellent faint praising there, Mr Carrey(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:24,
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Dunno, probably have. Keep it simple with not too many details, they don't need to know that you're bleeding heavily from the anus, whether it's true or not.Alt: I'm in the reply screen now and can't remember who I'm replying to but I'm sure you're an alright sort, good on yer!
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:17, Reply)
I was due in work in Northamptonshire in four hours whilst pissed as a fart at a party in HounslowWhatever I said in the phonecall to my supervisor to excuse me from work that day was almost certainly utter bollocks and as transparent as [insert something clever here, it's too early for me]
Alt: Dares are for quenders, double-dares are where it's at.
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Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:20,
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Double donkey dare trumps a double dareNo returns
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:23,
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I have 24hr bum AIDSalt: That bird over there has nice tits
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:20,
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There appeared to be a nork-off of epic proportions on the Metro to work\o/ Fucking champion
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:24,
Reply)
There were breasts fighting?I think I'd quite like to see that.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:24,
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The blonde in the tight white top/deadheatinzepplinrace
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:39,
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BRAvo(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:36,
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Working for the council parks and garden departments, the most common two excuses for a sickie were bad back and diarrhoea.Only noone, myself included were too certain ot the spelling, so invariably sick notes would contain the excuse "the shits".
Alt, I love you B3ta, and not in a shirter way.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:36, Reply)
And he thought he was into something good.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:39,
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Speaking of the alt:From Jade Jones' trainer - "I'm so proud of her," said Green. "The effort that she has put in over the last six months has been incredible, she's like a man in the female division, she just fights and works so hard."
So his best compliment for a woman is that she's like a man? I'm no Bella but that strikes me as a tiny bit sexist. Or perhaps he's bent.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:40,
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Also he spoke like that in front of her like she wasn't even there(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:42,
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I'm not ruling it out(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:48,
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He wolf whistles at birds whilst up to his nuts in Darth?(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:49,
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Seems to me he could have said "she's really fucking nails"and got the same message across without being a sexist prick about it.
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Kroney, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:55,
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Incidentally, did you see the men's match? Stamper and the turkish guy?They were proper battering each other, Stamper got ruined.
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Kroney, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:57,
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Oh God.I'm really hungover :(
So it turns out that I was showing the entire bar my Dagenham cleavage for a significant portion of the evening. I only found out when some guy sent his wife up to tell me. And then she said that her husband was having trouble concentrating because of it and would I like to go back to theirs? And THEN she cracked on to my friend.
London. Wrong.
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Kroney, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:54,
Reply)
You mentioned how great your arse is to them, didn't you?and forgot you were IRL.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 9:59, Reply)
I was way too polite to mention it.But apparently getting it out in public is right up my street.
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Kroney, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:00,
Reply)
Just as well they weren't looking for somewhere to leave a bicycle (, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:03, Reply)
Was she fat or bony, kroney?(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:02,
Reply)
Morning LustySo are we going to be Montyless for 2 weeks?
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:47,
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He'll probably be about at some point.He started his holiday off with a beer at 9.45 this morning.
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wanderlust, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:51,
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Can't fault him(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:52,
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The yardarm is set very high round your place.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:58,
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Curse my vivid and detailed imagination.Curse it.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:04,
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Put the Brazil Vs Japan volley ball game onI bet you won't be able to stand up for 5 mins
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hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:08,
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lets just imagine for a second you did go, Which would have you preferred,
1. Poking the lady while the man watched and touched himself
2. Spit roast, so you could look to guy straight in the eye
3. Being in the middle so you could have a bit of cock in your botty
4. Poking the man while the lady watched.
5. Hanging from your balls by a rope while the both hit you with dildos and screamed the lords prayer in your face.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:13,
Reply)
I'm no scientistbut I'm pretty sure all of those things would totally get me pregnant. Unless, of course, I jump up and down afterwards.
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Kroney, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:18,
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i ninjad it.Sorry.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:19,
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Ah wellIt's not much of a choice, anyway. Everybody knows that high-fiving and congratulating your bro on his technique is the only way to do these things, so option number 2.
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Kroney, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:21,
Reply)
There's always 6. the DP option.Though I think this only exists in porn, as I've heard of people doing all sorts of things IRL but never that.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:27, Reply)
One in each hole I can understandbut when they both have their willys in the same hole, that must feel really, really weird.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:29, Reply)
I've always had kroney down as an ass to mouth kindof guy(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:31,
Reply)
I would just liek to point out that I'm crippingly hungoverand don't need any further nudges towards vomiting. Ta.
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Kroney, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:33,
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You should ensure that it is cleaned before putting it in your mouth then.and watch that gag reflex.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:37,
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You should probably google for 2 girls one cup then.cheer you up no end.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:38, Reply)
I just want to know what they're all supposed to do with their legs.They must need at least one double-amputee for DVDA.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:41,
Reply)
That's not actually realit was invented by Trey Parker for one of his films.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:50, Reply)
Yeah, I knowAlthough isn't it the name of his band not a film thing?
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:56,
Reply)
Yes, it is..think the band gets mentioned in South Park-The Movie though as well
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 11:08, Reply)
High fives and winksand oranges for half-time when you change ends.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:38,
Reply)
The important thing is that he pads it out to a full page, convoluted simile-ridden, made up story for qotw.(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:39,
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I should let my old mate Yorkshire Rob loose on /QOTW.They genuninely wouldn't know what hit them.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:41,
Reply)
His story about bible camp is one of the funniest things I've read.(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:42, Reply)
Frankspencer's sex lies weren't really painted as anything but that though, were they?Whereas all of SpankyHanky's sexploits DEFINITELY HAPPENED
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:48,
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Also, morning badgo.Long time, no see. How are you?
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:41,
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Hey tangles.Not bad, ta. Been tied up with work and that in the US. How's you?
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:42,
Reply)
Get you and your international jet-setting lifestyle.I'm also 'not bad', although perhaps a little tired from late night shenanigans.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:44,
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My legs are tiredI thought I hadn't run for a week, but when I checked my logs I realised it had actually been 2.
(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:51, Reply)
That's not a typing error, is it?You keep a log of your running?
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:53,
Reply)
Darth gets rid of his in some bushes I hear(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 11:07,
Reply)
It's not as much fun as it sounds.Although I did get to drive a stupidly huge SUV thing for a week and crush other puny humans.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:55,
Reply)
I'm missing out on a BBQ with the boys and Dinosaur themed crazy golfto go to a wedding I don't want to go to tomorrow
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:17,
Reply)
Thats what that bit in the middle where the priest asks if anyone knows if they shouldn't get married is for.You'll miss the beginning bit, but hopefully catch crazy golf.
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Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:19,
Reply)
Genius!I foresee two little problems:
1: angry bride/groom/family
2: angry wife
3: mad dash from Wiltshire to New Malden
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:20,
Reply)
Which one of those three can you not forsee then?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:25,
Reply)
I'm continually amazed tha Naked Ape doesn't just fall over a lot more.(, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:30, Reply)
I imagine that the reason that he hasn't responded to thisis that he has fallen off his chair and is waiting for someone to come in and notice him.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:49,
Reply)
He'll be rocking to and fro on is backwith his legs waving in the air like an up-turned tortoise
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Kroney, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:50,
Reply)
You don't need to forsee the angry wifeit's a perpetual state chez NA.
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the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:40,
Reply)
New thread please(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:28,
Reply)
Vinegarstrokelolz(
hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 10:32,
Reply)
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