Sharing time
Ok lets try that again:

1) Share a genuine cooking tip, i.e. when doing any sauce based food (curries, bolognaise etc) I always add twice as much liquid and cook for longer I find you get a better flavour.
2) Share a genuine DIY/ helpful tip i.e. Forgot which wire goes where in a plug, Brown = BR = Bottom right... Blue = BL = Bottom left
3) share an infectious disease.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:01, 164 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Brute force and ignorance solves every problem eventually.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:02, Reply)

1) throw away the meat
2) call frog, he's surprisingly good at things like that
3) i don't have any :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:04, Reply)

Canines, back molars, long intestines.
Get it down yer.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:12, Reply)

You've had a kebab from our local, then?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:20, Reply)

Yes, because I am a TOP LAD.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:29, Reply)

Known as a BOSS LAD in the UK.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:31, Reply)

Indisputable

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:43, Reply)

no that was Captain Scarlet

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:32, Reply)

Ketchup goes good with bacon.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:04, Reply)

so does a good orange marmalade

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:08, Reply)

Really, I'll give that a go.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:13, Reply)

yes, really. It is a thing.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:17, Reply)

1) When making a chilli, season the onions with the cumin & paprika, rather than waiting until you've added the meat.
2) A potato can be used to remove a broken lightbulb.

3) Gay AIDS.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:06, Reply)

seasoned onions are the tits

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:07, Reply)

Seasoned Tits are the onions

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:20, Reply)

tit onions are seasoned

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:23, Reply)

Why would I want to cook for longer?
I hate it enough as it is and I never start until I'm already hungry. Shit tip.
( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:06, Reply)

It tastes better
you just get it all in the pot and fuck off down the pub
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:20, Reply)

While hungry?
Why don't I just go down to the pub and have a pie?
( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:23, Reply)

yeah well... fuck you thats why

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:24, Reply)

CONVINCING ARGUMENT

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:24, Reply)

Phew
I wasn't sure I was going to get away with that
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:28, Reply)

1) always decrease supermarket recommended oven cooking times for raw meat by about half.
a one kilogram chicken does not need 2hr 30mins.

2) DIY - earn some money and GSI.

3)
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:07, Reply)

Here's a good one that I discovered at the weekend...
2) if you're trying to run some cabling under floorboards from point A to point B, simply raise a board at A, one board at B, and then spool out a measuring tape under the floor from point A until it becomes visible at point B. Then tape your cable to end of the now-visible measuring tape, return to point A, and then retract the tape, pulling the cable along under the floor.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:09, Reply)

Everything's wireless now, Grandad

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:10, Reply)

yeah, including electrical wiring

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:11, Reply)

Not far off.

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:17, Reply)

I want induction coils to make that final leap
then just have coils built into the walls to run everything
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:58, Reply)

Sky cables?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:11, Reply)

Yeah, unless you've got one of those shit old boxes.

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:17, Reply)

My Sky box is about 2 months old, so yeah, well old.
So how does the signal get from the dish to the box in your house, Obi Wan?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:21, Reply)

Duh, via wireless.
Prick.
( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:22, Reply)

Absolute bollocks.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:25, Reply)

Yeah? How does it get from the satellite to the dish?
Use your loaf, mongie.
( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:30, Reply)

Magic string, you fucknugget.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:32, Reply)

^Nakers-level tech retard

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:38, Reply)

^^Doesn't even have a Sky box

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:41, Reply)

Or tie it to a passing mouse.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:21, Reply)

The only mouse I could see was running from north to south instead of east to west.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:25, Reply)

Put its feet on sideways.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:29, Reply)

Where were you with your bright ideas when I needed them on Saturday morning?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:30, Reply)

I take it you dont have joists in your flooring

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:23, Reply)

Yes I do Mr Bonzodog
I believe that they mainly stop the floor from collapsing.

My cabling was going in the same direction as the joists, thankfully.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:27, Reply)

I merely wished to point out the flaw in your plan

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:28, Reply)

My solution won't work in all situations, but it worked for me.
I couldn't care less about the rest of you, obviously.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:31, Reply)

Mango chutney is good on doners.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:16, Reply)

1: Genuine tip for cooking
A: Start going out with someone and having lots of vigorous monkey sex.
B: During a pause in the monkey sex, when smiling at each other over a coffee or something, tell of how your sister makes a really good (whatever your favourite dish is).
C: Await their rebuttal "Oh, but you haven't tried MY (whatever your favourite dish is)."
D: Agree, suggest they cook you some.
E: Enjoy the dish.
F: Compliment them on their cooking, but instruct them that it's not QUITE as good as the one your sister makes.
G: Enjoy another round.

Played correctly, you should be able to get several dishes out of them before they cotton on, and by then it's time to end the relationship anyway.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:22, Reply)

Bit Bert

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:55, Reply)

lol wut?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:20, Reply)

HE SAID IT WAS A BIT BERT

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:21, Reply)

I think we've got another slow one here

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:21, Reply)

It's like being in the special needs class.

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:23, Reply)

I'm not slow.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:36, Reply)

"monkey sex"
"my sister was better"
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:21, Reply)

TBF Your sister was better
Ahahahaha
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:22, Reply)

Excellent employment of capital A in the rejoiner.
7/10.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:36, Reply)

Why thank you

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:37, Reply)

Hm.
Reaching a bit - I'm afraid this only gets a 6/10 from me.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:35, Reply)

When cooking meat cook half as long like d.r. and quinch suggests
however leave the meat rest in the pan for the other half of the cooking time.

Also 1kg of chicken according to the supermarket requires 1hr I would cook for half an hour and rest for half an hour.

Beef should be shown the general vicinity of the flame and then be served.

Lamb should be cooked with rosemary and garlic but never mint.
( Peej, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:35, Reply)

What's the good word on this restaurant I have booked then, Jethro?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:38, Reply)

I have asked everyone I know in the vicinity of the restaurant and they all say that they have never been there but they hear its very good
In other words I am shit. Perhaps you should come to Camborne for a beer instead.
( Peej, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:42, Reply)

Perhaps you should be a bit better at getting back to people.
You are the Dozer of Cornwall.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:48, Reply)

Look, you booked the place? What did the online reviews say? You think I can afford to eat out? You think I hvae friends that can afford to eat out? A fucking carrotless pasty is a fucking luxury dinner here!

( Peej, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:52, Reply)

YM asked me to eat out last night

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:05, Reply)

She only asked me to skull fuck her.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:07, Reply)

Eye socket lulz

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:13, Reply)

Always a good sign when no one has actually eaten there
but all confirm its good.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:49, Reply)

They can't afford it.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:49, Reply)

This is actually the truth

( Peej, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:52, Reply)

Cant be that expensive its in Cornwall FFS
you probably just have to leave one of your 6 toed children with the owner
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:53, Reply)

THe place he has booked is in the same area as those celebrity restaurants the locals can't afford to eat at.

( Peej, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:58, Reply)

That's how I roll, Worzel.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:00, Reply)

Can you punch Rick Stein in teh face for me please

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:04, Reply)

In Padstein. lol.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:06, Reply)

Main course is £14!!!!!!!
Shut the front door, boyfriend.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:59, Reply)

Fucking hell, you're going to need to take out a mortgage.

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:01, Reply)

On my second home.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:04, Reply)

thats a fucking disgrace
You will have to sell the other foot to Oscar to cover the charge
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:04, Reply)

I got that in loose change in my necrotic foot sock.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:09, Reply)

I just had a massive shit.
It made my fucking eyes water.

Mind you, I have just ploughed through stewed cheese, chump chop, bubble, mushrooms and spinach. Washed down with two glasses of red and 4 pints.

I love the City.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:35, Reply)

I had one this morning that felt like a wild animal was trying to claw its way out.

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:37, Reply)

I had to keep "snipping" to get it all out.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:38, Reply)

Worst one felt like a nail studded bowling ball.
It was agony. When it was over I nearly cried out of sheer relief.
( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:39, Reply)

I normally take a photo when I do something like that.
I like the ones that are almost constipation on the first heave, then 10 litres of hot runny shit.

Just demonstrates what an instrument the human body is.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:41, Reply)

^ top internet conversation ^

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:44, Reply)

Well. You wouldn't do it IRL.
What's your favourite poo?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:46, Reply)

I liked the one where he got his hand stuck in the hunny pot

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:47, Reply)

I like the one where he went for the full tongue swallow in Iceland.
Flids go to Iceland.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:48, Reply)

A loose stool broken up with pockets of gas.
Creating, upon evacuation, a machine gun sound effect.
( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:48, Reply)

Like the lid taken off a box of racing pigeons.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:49, Reply)

Oh do fuck off.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:49, Reply)

And mine was better.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:50, Reply)

Brevity is the soul of wit.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:53, Reply)

cu

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:54, Reply)

f

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:59, Reply)

 
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:02, Reply)

Like releasing a flock of pigeons

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:49, Reply)

A nice splattery post curry one, where you can still smell the spices.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:52, Reply)

Nice. With a certain amount of chilli ring sting?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:53, Reply)

Of course.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:58, Reply)

Ah, the type containing a month's worth of pain in a split second explosion.
Barely having time to scream, you settle for whimpering as your ringer settles into a dull aching sting.
( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:54, Reply)

where you find yourself actually doing that knuckle biting thing you'd previously only seen in films

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:58, Reply)

I like to call it "The Shartgun"

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:59, Reply)

By coincidence this is the finishing move your missus asks from me
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:24, Reply)

don't think that makes you special

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:48, Reply)

Well its a killer move
so I am not surprised
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:50, Reply)

pffft, you'd be lucky.

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:57, Reply)

Thanks Kylie

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 17:07, Reply)

Nice to see we're all still getting along nicely.
Im good at cooking but do it off the cuff generally. My tip would be to use a slow cooker. Less washing and hassle.

No to DIY and venereal diseases.

Alright?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:44, Reply)

A slow cooker is not cooking.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:46, Reply)

I agree

( Peej, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:59, Reply)

me too
but most importantly it's something I can actually do, and therefore I can eat.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:48, Reply)

1) You don't need meat to have a good time
2) Pay someone else to do it
3) *bums*
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:56, Reply)

You dont have to take your clothes off
To have a good time Oh NO
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:58, Reply)

*proffers cherry wine*

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 15:59, Reply)

Who doesn't love a bit of frottage?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:00, Reply)

Not keen on french cheese soz

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:06, Reply)

I really need to start hammering F5 a bit more

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:06, Reply)

worst Jermaine Stewart cover ever

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:01, Reply)

I don't even recognise the last two lines.
He's got no idea.
( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:02, Reply)

It was Germaine Greer, AKSHULLY.
Listen to the feminist lyrics. "We don't have to take our clothes off, to finger Herve Villechaize. Oh, no." Obvious when you think about it.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:04, Reply)

Who upset Frog and made him delete the subthread in that other thread?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:09, Reply)

fuck nose

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:10, Reply)

If you could type it out word for word that would be great KTHXBYE

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:11, Reply)

Yeah I memorise all the subthreads that appear on here

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:12, Reply)

Good to hear, now:
jelly.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2252155
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:13, Reply)

Terrible bullying of Chompy Version 2.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:14, Reply)

11th anniversary in my job today.
I'd have got less for murder.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:37, Reply)

celebratory pies with boyce next week maybe?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:39, Reply)

I'm alright thanks.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:49, Reply)

i meant for his house move
and by pies i meant beers. you ungrateful monolith, you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:56, Reply)

lith ped
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:58, Reply)

this too

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 17:00, Reply)

Are you lot still here?
You should be out enjoying the sunshine.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:54, Reply)

Working in'I?

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:56, Reply)

It's not good enough, is it?
Me and the dog have been for a wander round the park. It was right nice.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 1 Apr 2014, 16:58, Reply)

It's alright, off to the Med tomorrow.

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 17:02, Reply)

Going home?

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 1 Apr 2014, 17:04, Reply)

I'm no Occitan.

( Kroney, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 17:05, Reply)

+s
don't take them all at once with a bottle of gin
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 1 Apr 2014, 17:05, Reply)

That's the *only* way to take them!

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 1 Apr 2014, 17:07, Reply)