They said it couldn't be done...
July 2006. I'd had a few drinks and the pub was closing. A mate decided to go over to the late-night off licence across town and bring back some beer. I said I'd get us some food and just sit and watch TV and wait for him.

The KFC Family Bucket looked so enticing I couldn't wait. I started on the drumsticks, then tackled the chips. The chips were hard work, so I had to have a bit more chicken to help grease them down. By this time I was about half way though the bucket, but I thought, 'I can do this. I know I can. I'm a drunk fat bastard.'

It's the chips that are the killer. After a while it just feels like shovelling salty pulp down your gullet. The chicken by this time was cooling and pools of grease lay at the bottom of the bucket. Dipping the chicken into this reserve of grease mixed with ketchup helped a little, but I won't lie and say that it was easy. I had to keep telling myself that I had passed the point of no return and my honour was on the line.

Finally, I was finished. I felt a mixture of disgust and elation. I was sat on the sofa barely able to move, and so harrowed by the experience that I couldn't even be bothered to go to the fridge and open another can of Fanta. Reasoning that my friend should be on the way back by now, I texted him to pick up some chips.

I have since avoided this sort of behaviour other than a slight relapse in 2011 when I ate three large burritos in an hour in a misguided attempt to impress some attractive girls I worked with.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:20, 20 replies)

What sort of women are impressed by a fat greasy man shovelling food down his gullet?

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:22, closed)

All of them?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:24, closed)

That's where I went wrong
They weren't impressed when I put the toilet out of action later in the afternoon either.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:24, closed)

try putting the burritos up your bum next time.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:34, closed)

this is a good idea.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:37, closed)

Don't think they would have maintained their structural integrity
I'd just have been stood there mashing spicy pork against my anus
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:43, closed)

nothing wrong with that.

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:56, closed)

Well
it would itch.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 14:00, closed)

Quote of the week, right here

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 14:42, closed)

talking from experience right there.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 14:49, closed)

That made me giggle like a lttle girl.

(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 17:04, closed)

Freeze them first.

(speedevil, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 18:26, closed)

Fair play to you Snowy.
That's a good effort.

I want fried chicken now.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:24, closed)

Should have used your anus.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:29, closed)

*burrito bum fives*

( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:34, closed)

this is the sort of quality advice you just can't buy.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 13:37, closed)

"like shovelling salty pulp down your gullet"
Now you know how the chickens feel.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 14:20, closed)

chickens
swallow Jarvis Cocker's spunk?
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 14:50, closed)

Jarvis Cocker's Pulp Brand Chicken Feed
The only nutritious grain mix, enriched with the ground remains of Russell Senior, and now with 100% more semen!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 13 Dec 2012, 15:06, closed)

The secret with a bargin bucket is to let it stand for 10 minutes before tucking in. That way there's enough grease collected to dunk at least half a loaf of Mother's Pride.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 13 Dec 2012, 20:52, closed)