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This is a question Terrible food

Back when I was a student, we had a "clear out the fridge" party. Everyone brought what they had left and the idea was to make a big meal out of it.

The stew/casserole/whatever was going surprisingly well until someone added the tin of mackerel in tomato sauce they'd been hoarding all year.

What's the worst thing you've ever cooked or eaten? Who's the worst cook you've encountered?

[and yes, we've asked this before, but way, way back before we had the fancy QOTW pages]

(, Thu 17 May 2007, 10:23)
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This question is now closed.

Pate de foie gras
I love it - can't get enough of it

Yes - I hope to offend the vegans, vegetarians and tree-huggers. Saying that, you're probably too weak to lift your arms up to type as you're malnorished anyway*

Anyhoo - I love pate de foie gras. When I was in Paris a few weeks back, I ordered it - expecting, well, the pate...

It tasted odd - couldn't place it really - until I realised it was just liver. Cold, wet, slimy liver.

Then I told my colleague.

He has an pathological hatred of liver - He did NOT thank me.....

I left it. It wasn't nice......

* Sorry - ranting there
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 22:39, Reply)
cookies!
my mum used to make these beautiful cookies, that involved making a base of dough, putting a block of chocolate on it, then putting another circle of dough on top of it. the chocolate would melt and you would get these amazing oozie cookies, that were basically bad-ass.

anyway, a few months ago i was tasked with co-planning a junior church session based on food. whilst thinking of games to play, i was reminded of the cookies of joy, and how they could be used. i decided that we'd play a game of cookie roulette, where i make some cookies of joy, and some cookies of doom, and the kids have to eat a whole cookie to get a point.

the first batch had a handful of chocolate ones, a handful of chocolate ones spiked with really hot chili seeds, and a couple of marmalade and cabbage ones. it was entertaining but i felt not disgusting. we played the game at a later date, at my own youth group, but i added a new ingredient set to the mix...

what are the two most disgusting things to eat? yep, marmalade and gherkin.

one girl had to eat two, and was almost sick, but all credit to her, she ate both of them completely. well done freya.

rank...

i have a big willy
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 21:55, Reply)
oh, yeah...
Loismustdie reminded me of the macaroni and cheese pizza we had a couple of years back. Grossness oozing lumpy noodles and crunchy bits where the powdered cheese wasn't quite mixed in. My 6 year old's comment .. "it looks like brains!" I think it tasted of them as well.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 21:15, Reply)
Not me... but a friend
Once ate a nettle without rubbing off the stings first... it was funny watching him roll around... into more nettles
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 21:10, Reply)
Plastic does not taste good
One Hallowe'en when I was little, my neighbor put a handful of rosary beads in my trick-or-treat bag. Not being a Catholic, young me had no idea what they were. But they were very pretty, and looked like no candy I had ever eaten before. "This must be the good stuff!" thought I. Bit into one as hard as I could. Needless to say, this was not nearly as pleasant as I had anticipated.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 20:56, Reply)
not me exactly, but..
the english obsession with sandwiches has gone too far. the opinion that [anything + anything] between two slices of bread = a proper meal is not only misguided but damned risky when you often have an under-stocked fridge.

my housemate specialises in such dangerous combinations. she's done pretty much any combination of the last bits left before a shopping trip; including cheese and gherkin relish, which makes me get the creeping horrors just thinking about it, and recently in a moment of snack desperation, turkey-ham and chilli sauce.

just because it's in a sandwich - DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 20:55, Reply)
Soy pork
My mother was constantly on diets and we had to eat her weird concoctions making us look like albino ethiopians throughout our school years. One such adventure into the anti-cullinary experience was a homemede soy/flour porkchop wannabe rubber thing that when we found it inedible we tossed to the dog who commenced to growl at it and bark for an hour. It was pure Evil!And hillariously so.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 20:50, Reply)
Anchovies
they are vile, and therefore I have never ever eaten a whole one due to the fact that by simply imagining them, I feel like my oesophagus if going to crawl out of my mouth. The smell horrible and the only time i ever ate one (a half of one to be honest..), it reminded me of goatse, and I had to leave the premises immediately for therapy.

That is my tale of deepest woe...
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 20:40, Reply)
Tinned chicken curry
It didn't seem such a bad idea at the time. Chicken curry. In a tin? Bob's your uncle! "Pah to your microwave curries!" I chortled as I ran to the checkout with the tin and a carton of Ribena, "I laugh in your face, Mr Vesta, for I have the subcontinental goodness in a handy cylindrical container... and what's more, judging by the gorgeously tempting photo on the label, it's going to be something to really savour!"

I think it was once the tin was opened that I realised I'd made a terrible error. It smelt like I imagine it smells in that bit in the abbatoir where they rip the shit out of the dangling animals' guts.

But I was young, hungry and impoverished; I'd spunked the rest of my money on fizzy lager and cigarettes, so it was tinned chicken curry or nothing. I slopped the humming brown mass into a saucepan and began to stir. And besides, how bad could it be? After all, I grew up on Uncle Ben's curries made by my mum that had carrots and sultanas in them.

(Think about that for a minute. You young folk have probably never had to endure the late 1970s-early 1980s concept of curry that oldies like me did. Yes, "curry" that bore about as much resemblance to South Asian cookery as Spud-u-like does to The Fat Duck. With *carrots* in it. And *sultanas*. Presumably so you'd have something to recognise when it came steaming out of your hoop the next day at the speed of light. All mixed up with shitloads of "Ignorant White Bastard Bloody Hot Curry Powder". It tasted like white spirit, but without the subtlety.)

Nothing could be worse than that. Could it?

About 20 minutes' stirring, in a desperate bid to find chicken meat among the bits of brain stem and pancreas, it was just about burnt enough that I'd have a go at it. Two mouthfuls in, there was a gurgle of protest from down below. "Damn you to hell!" I told my stomach, "This baby's coming down, and you're going to like it!" I forced a dozen or so mouthfuls of half-chewed chicken rectum and eyeball down before I couldn't bear it any more.

I spent the night in the bathroom, vomiting into the bath and over my legs, while spluttering gangrenous turds into an overflowing bowl, wishing I could rip myself a new hole so it would come out quicker and spare me the misery. I must have lost about three stone.

I haven't eaten tinned chicken curry since.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 20:24, Reply)
It tasted great at first
We took a friend's teenage niece to Canada for lunch. She had never been out of the country or met anyone who wasn't American. I thought it would be a cool treat for her.

Guess again. It was horrible. I'm amazed we went lynched by a mob of angry Canadians. She consistently said the absolute wrong thing--"hey, this looks like Monopoly money!" "What's that word we aren't supposed to say again, Canucks?" "This is just like a little America".

In the Vietnamese restaurant, her conversational opener to the waiter was "We sure bombed the hell out of your country, didn't we?" (I was speechless, a truly rare condition for me) She complained about: the food (which was exquisitely tasty) likening its appearance to dog food, the prices, the neighborhood, why couldn't they do things the right/American way, blah blah.

The topper occured during dessert. Hubby, friend and I all ordered sweet bean and coconut milk sundaes. It comes in a big parfait glass and is a mixture of red and green sweet beans with diced chunks of papaya and mango floating in a thin white milk. I dig in just in time to hear Terrible Tina say loudly, "Hey, that looks exactly like vomit!"

And it did.

Every Asian person there, i.e. all the other people in the place turned and gave us the stink-eye. We left. In a hurry. I have not seen Terrible Tina since. (22 years)
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 20:20, Reply)
anchor spray cream
does not replace milk on a bowl of crunchy nut clusters. trust me on this.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 20:14, Reply)
That's not the saying, it's
In China they will eat anything that's back faces the sky.

The most horrible thing I ate in China was KFC.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 20:12, Reply)
In China...
Boors thing about Spain and pigs reminded me of a saying about China.

"In China they will eat everything of anything with four legs; except for the table"
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 20:08, Reply)
Just remembered one
A few years ago, our cousins were round our house. We got fish and chips for tea one day and shortly after tucking into her portion of chips my sister turned green and rushed off to the toilet. After about 5 minutes my then 8-year old cousin knocked on the bathroom door and said "Is it OK if I finish your chips?"

It was a good thing we've got two toilets in our house.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 19:59, Reply)
Obnov.
Liver.

FFS it's only there to filter out the shit from the blood - how could it possibly taste of anything good? No wonder the French love it.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 18:39, Reply)
Young and stupid
Brandy.
Cheerios.

Brandios!

Oh to be young and on the sauce at 9am again.

Was alright actually.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 18:13, Reply)
leftovers
anyone else's leftovers. including your own. leftovers are horrid, cold, claggy, solidified pieces of former food brimming with someone else's dried saliva and small pieces of pre-chewed food.

i don't care if you've just spent the last three hours sucking and licking every imaginable bodily fluid from every imaginable inch of each other, there is no need to eat their rejected scran. just throw it out and buy some more!

don't even get me started on jokers who eat food from the pan whilst cooking; who stick their horrible probing uninvited forks in your dinner or who lick their fingers whilst eating crisps and then offer you one from the same packet.

and possibly the worst of the lot? double dipping. or using someone else's toothbrush. i'm not sure which.

funnily enough it's only food/drink i'm weird like this about. swopping spit, as legless beautifully puts it, for any other reason is absolutely fine...
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 18:12, Reply)
cottage cheese
ok, cottage cheese tastes as shit as it is anyway, I mean it tastes of nothing. But to hide PINEAPPLE in there is an insult to everyone. Well, possibly only me. I nearly cried.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 18:06, Reply)
Deep fried Mars bars
Don't. Just don't.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 17:39, Reply)
the burger i had in "the bridge bar" at heathrow airport T1 only 5 minutes ago
tasted fucking shitty.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 17:03, Reply)
There is a saying:
In Spain they eat every part of a pork, except from it's grunt. It's true.
I didn't know you could cook the feet of this miserable animal so that the skin remains like leather, and everything inside of it has the texture of Jelly mixed with cod liver oil.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 16:37, Reply)
Hash cakes
when we were younger. Dug out mates mums recipe book. Rock cakes - perfect. Only flour we could find wholemeal. Chucked in a quarter and baked them. Only when they came out realised we had forgotten the sugar. Fuck me they were foul. Like hand sized balls of mud and grit.
I was the only one to eat both mine.
Wish I hadnt, cos I had a lonely six hour mind-fuck, during which I only came down for the brief seconds which I was at full retch vomitting up bile.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 16:32, Reply)
Cheque please
A friend of mine, whose cooking skills are infamous to all, once offered me a cheque of some amount to help with my rent. I refused his kind offer, knowing I'd always be in the bastard's debt even after paying him back.
His response to my refusal was "You'll come crawling back before the loan comes in - if you don't I'll eat the damn thing."

My rent came and went and I got poorer and poorer, but still I didn't accept his cheque.
Then my student loan came through, all was joyous and right with the world until I remembered about the cheque.

After a few beers, a ton of arguments, and a quick google research lesson on the dangers of eating paper, we gathered in the kitchen for the act of cheque cuisine.

Now, I expected him to rip the thing up and wash it down, but he had other ideas.

After frying the shredded cheque in some butter and onions, he added some bacon fat - then he decided it needed a sauce.
Did I mention this guy can't cook? After blackening the above, he added some bacardi, some Lamb's navy rum and a dash of tommy k for flavour.

The whole thing just shouted of wrong. The kitchen was blackened from the smoke and the cheque was now a lumpy, congealed mess of onion, burnt fat and AIDs.

Still, he managed a mouthful.
Still, he managed to chew.
Still, as the juices were released, he managed to spit the concoction nearly 10 feet towards the sink, where it lies today as a rock hard lump of crusty death.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 16:19, Reply)
Exchange trip to France
I was genuinely excited at the prospect of spending two weeks with a new French family as part of my A level. I was especially looking forward to the food, French cuisine being world-renowned and all that.

First evening there, pleasantries exchanged, we sit outside for dinner. How European! An outdoor family-based dinner!

"Ai 'ope you arr 'ungree?"*, asked the smiling Mother, as she brought in a huge tray of...

...

Aubergines.

Fucking aubergines. Served with...

NOTHING.

The best first night dish they could come up with was a plate of Aubuergines.

Being polite, I inserted the hideous soggy garbage into my mouth.

"What you arr feenkeeng of ze taste?", asked the mother.

I replied with, "Eet eez delic-*WRETCH*"

I tried to make it appear as though that vomiting sound was me just clearing my throat, in order to pronounce my French better. Would have worked too if I didn't follow it up with another, more liquid-sounding *WRETCH*, complete with hamster-cheeks.

"Ai 'ave to go to zee bafroom, eef you pleez..." I said, and I happily chundered out that vile filth from my guts.

The parents were really rude to me the whole time after that, ignoring me when I tried to have proper conversations. I think I really offended them with that first dinner encounter. Either that or they were just French cunts.

* The conversations were actually in French but I thought I'd translate for those monolingual types :)
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 16:18, Reply)
Student daze
In an attempt tofeed myself during uni, I volunteered for a trial of anti depressants. I though that they were great anf earned the princely sum of approx 50 weekly plus expenses (and I did abuse them, it was never 23 miles!!!)

Unfortunately, the pills totally destroyed my appetite & after finishing the course of drugs I spunked all monies "earned" and when my appetite returned I had no money which resulted in eating supernoodles garnished with tommy ketchuo (stolen from McD's).

I now feed myself like theres no tomorrow.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 15:56, Reply)
Edinburgh chippie's
Steak pie after a night out. Smelt a bit of cat food.

Did I eat it?

You bloody well bet I did, I was starving. Besides, if it's good enough for cats then it's probably good enough for humans. Those little furry beggars have turned their nose up at better.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 15:49, Reply)
Tofu
My Mum cooked me up a curry once - A proper Mauritian curry. It was gooood.

The chicken had a funny texture though...

"Mum, what's with the chicken"
"Is it nice?"
"What is it?"
"Tofu"

I stopped eating it there and then.

I will not eat pretend meat on principle - just give me the real stuff and stop pissing about.....
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 15:23, Reply)
Curry
I've been laying low so apologies for this post as it's not the greatest.

I'd been out drinking at Uni (I know, what a shocker!) and I'd got in at about 2am dying for a curry - the ratmeat kebab had already worked it's way out of me so I was hungry again.

Except I didn't have any in - I know, "I'll make some"

That was my first error.

I rapidly realized, through my fog of drunkenness that I didn't have any curry powder. Or chilli. Or meat. What to do....

The obvious thing - go into the freezer and pull out something that resembles meat (pork, it turned out).

Ok, now what? Ah, I have tinned tomato and tomato puree, herbs and whatever happens to be in various cupboards - and Aha! I do have chilli (powder). 5 minutes of frying and cooking and simmering and I have a fully authentic curry.

I even ate half of the delicious mix before retiring to bed - That was my second error.

The next morning - "FUCK!" there's blood everywhere all over my pillow, sheets, floor....

No, it was my "curry" - how or even why the hell I took it upstairs is beyond me. This stuff was redder than a really bad Indian Restaraunt Curry.....

Further investigation of the curry revealed some worrying things - I couldn't identify the meat (pork was/is the assumption) and it tasted vile.

There was my third error - eating it the next morning.

An error because after eating one piece "this tastes funny" - I cut open another piece. Which, dear reader, was raw.

Pork + not cooked = very bad.

The "Curry" was binned - and after a couple of days, I could eat and actually move more than 12 yards from a toilet.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'd like to say I never did that again, but I did - except this time, I did have chilli in, I used beef and I shared the resultant cookery masterpiece to my (also drunken) friends.

I'm now never allowed to cook for at least 3 of my friends. Ever. Again.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 15:19, Reply)
Oooh!
Almost forgot about this one.

It's a meat pie with a huge, deep-fried sausage stuck vertically into it. Around the sausage goes a pineapple ring for garnish.

It's called an Amble Picnic.

Cheers
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 14:58, Reply)
You asked for it sir
In a restaurant in Lido Di Jesolo, a few years ago. Last day of holiday and we'd pretty much exhausted all types/flavours of Pizza on every menu in the whole of northern Italy. Leigh decides he wants them to make a pizza up that is not on the menu. He asks for a seafood pizza. When it arrived, my margherita looked like a wonderful choice. His pizza looked like they'd chucked a net in the sea and just emptied the contents of it onto a 30" diameter tomato puree basted loaf of bread!
Amongst other fishy delights it contained 2 giant prawns (heads included), muscles (in shells), two crispy baby octopuses and what looked like an eel!!! Absolutely everything on this pizza needed something doing to it by hand before eating, (peeling, beheading etc) added to the fact that everything that was inedible on the pizza was covered in tomato puree it was a complete waste of time, he ended up in a right mess.

Of course, he said that this was exactly what he was expecting and that he was going to enjoy it. He cut one of the baby octopuses in half and I tried it (I got the tenticle half). That was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my life.

Credit to Leigh, he ate it though (although it may have had something to do with the fact that the chef was stood watching him eat it, with a giant machete in hand whilst probably thinking 'silly eeeenglish twat, I'll teach him to ask for a silly pizza').

He admitted later that 'all he wanted was a few fucking prawns'. Quite amusing at the time but I suppose you had to be there!

Click 'I like this' to give those little baby octopusses deaths some kind of meaning. To be in b3ta's 'best' section of QOTW was all that the little buggers wanted from life.
(, Mon 21 May 2007, 14:07, Reply)

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