"Can you believe, I've never cooked before?"
Went round to my friend Jane's house for a house-warming dinner party. She'd made brown splodge and rice, and scooped us all extra big portions.
As we hungry folk raised the forks to our ravenous mouths, Jane announces "I'm so excited you're here for dinner. Can you believe I've never cooked before? But I followed a recipe, and I think I've done OK!"

overstatement

the rice was raw, I've still no idea what the brown splodge was supposed to be (entrails stew? testicle crumble?), the portions were huge.

being a well-brought up type, I forced down every last rancid mouthful. My friend Matthew later confessed to having tipped his into a pot-plant.

We all declined seconds. "So delicious! So full!"

I didn't even let her make me a cup of tea after that
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Thu 17 May 2007, 22:20, Reply)

Spain tour
With the orchestra I'm in. First stop was in Burgos. After a hefty 15 hour coach journey, we were pretty hungry and went into the hotel restaurant looking forward to some Paella or at least something edible.

We were disappointed to say the least

Starters consisted of boiled green vegetables with ham (being Spain, the vegitarian option was the same with the ham picked out). The vegetables had been boiled for at least an hour and had a pot full of salt poured/spilt onto them. Result, a boiled grey mush that tasted strongly of salt. Yum.

Next course was meat of dubious origin. Dunno what it was but thats not the worst part. Oh no. The fucker was green. All of it was. Not a tasty bit of pink in sight. I shall re-iterate. It was fucking green. But thats still not the worst. Oh no. I found a nice, curly pube in the middle of mine. Yum

Dessert was waxy ice cream. Fin

Length? Straightened out, it was huge

Edit: laniik is that really true?
(The_Reaper, Thu 17 May 2007, 22:14, Reply)

butter.
when i was little, my freinds little brother (he would have been maybe 5 years old) just LOVED to go to the fridge, stick his hand into a tub of butter or margarine, scoop out a big wad and eat it. he would love this so much, he just couldnt resist eating the rest of the tub. handful by handful, with nothing else.


unfortunately they moved away, so i have no idea if he looks like a sumo or not.
(BLuFFaLo, Thu 17 May 2007, 22:12, Reply)

Flow-epsie-osie-asis
Back in the days of school it seemed a good idea at the time to make a beverage/food like concoction consisting of Flapjack, Pepsi, some random berry's from a near by bush, our dining halls best chocolate crackle, crisps and Oasis (which is what it was all put into). A friend sampled the delight and then proceeded to spit it out while practically gagging. Later that day my friend decided it would be a good idea to take it home a microwave some of it and see if that would make it taste better. Instead it just filled his kitchen up with a stomach churning smell of bile or something similar. What remained of it was brought back to school, the bottle was wrapped in cling film and it was promptly buried behind in a flowerbed never to be seen again.
(Rt Hon Quargflax, Thu 17 May 2007, 22:09, Reply)

My friend's sister...
...decided to pleasure herself with a cucumber. Afterwards she put it back in her boyfriend's fridge without washing it. His mum had a cucumber sandwich later that day.
(WaffleMonster, Thu 17 May 2007, 21:55, Reply)

Why are all vegetarians up their own arses?
I went for a fried breakfast a while ago all hung over and everything. And the sausages weren't cooked, so I left a little rude note on the napkin. The owner said (in nasal supercillious whiny voice) "They're vegetarian sausages, actually!"

You still have to cook them, you fucking wanker. Be a real man and eat steak.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Thu 17 May 2007, 21:54, Reply)

China
Had the delights of working in China a couple of times this year.

Generally a really good time - but a couple of near misses on the food:

Whole frogs, deep fried and served. (Yum - the rice wine really helped with those. The verdict - like chicken but with a billion small bones.)

Scorpions, snakes, silk worm bugs, grasshoppers - on the night market. The best was a 'starfish on a stick'. Didn't touch any of it.

http://www.evilzenscientist.com/blog/2007/03/06/mmm-delicious/

Woo - first (real) post after years of lurking.
( evilzenscientist, Thu 17 May 2007, 21:46, Reply)

A mate of mine (who knows his food)...
...says 'Expiry dates are for pussies' :)

Still, I think even he would balk at what coops found in his stepdad's larder :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 17 May 2007, 21:36, Reply)

My mother-in-law...
...or at least as close as I'll ever get to having one, anyway. This is the mother of my last and most dearly-held girlfriend before I jumped the fence - a truly lovely lady, but my heart would sink when she invited us for victuals of any kind.

After years of working as a nurse, she had developed a technique for cooking for the family and any guests. What she would do is cook the various components of a meal hours in advance, and when time came to serve it up she would microwave it all. Imagine a Sunday dinner that tastes of fuck-all, dried up so that you'd think it had crossed the Sahara to get to your plate. Can't taste thing throughout, unless you really pile on the condiments.

There was always an Iceland pavlova for afters though, which whilst predictable and not really special was a shining beacon of taste explosion in comparison to anything that preceeded it.

Like I said, lovely lady but a terrible, terrible cook.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 17 May 2007, 21:34, Reply)

Nice down, not so much up
The other week I ordered a pizza from Dominos-I think it had 2 sorts of chillis, Sausage, Meatball, Pepperoni and chilli cheese on it
Bloody yummy going down
Not so nice at 5am when I was bringing it back. Smelt, looked and tasted absolutely sodding foul.
(The Who Bird is eating Jaffa Cakes on, Thu 17 May 2007, 21:32, Reply)

Expiry Dates??
Not quite eaten, only because none of us had the balls to do it....

My Step-Father still owns his former bachelor pad in East London, which he rents out to unsuspecting 'art' types for shedloads.. anyhew..

So a few years ago, we needed to generally redecorate and put in a new kitchen before it could be let out. Having been the scene for many drunken parties (so he tells me) the kitchen was a little worse for wear - but nothing a good clean wouldn't fix. So we start emptying the cupboards and dumping everything in the bin.

Out of Date powder mixes (expired 1989). Check!
Solid blocks of gravy granules (ohh 1992 vintage I'd say). Check!
Bottle of Brown Sauce, now a greeny-black colour. Check!
A jar of what used to be marmalade, but has now evolved into something black with rudimentary intelligence... Check!

And several tins only marked with dubious expiry dates. Only without any labels or clue as to what they contain. Being curious we carefully opened some of them to find catfood, canned peaches, something meat-like and mushey peas.

Simply combine all these ingredients in a black bag, allow to slowly warm in the sun and the smell... let's just say I was praying to every God there is that the bag didn't split when it was thrown into the communal bin.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 17 May 2007, 21:31, Reply)

Tart.
Round my Grans, many years ago when young and broke, cadging a meal and my Gran asked me if I wanted some tart. I like tart. I said yes.
Except she hadn't said "tart". I found myself staring at a lump of roasted sheeps heart on my plate.
I managed one bite, hoping I could fool myself into thinking it was steak. Nope.

More recently: Cooked some cheapo noodles. Tried to drain noodles. Dropped noodles into sink. Sink currently holding grillpan full of soapy water and grease. Which is draining into sink. Grabbed fistful of noodles back out of sink, aiming for the middle of the pile in the hope they weren't too soapy. Ate soapy noodles with Thai chilli suce and charcoaled economy burgers. Yum.
(Big D, Thu 17 May 2007, 21:29, Reply)

When I was about 9 or so.
I got it into my head that I wanted to bake a cake for my mum - no real reason, just one of those passing fancies you get at a young age*.

Anyway, the cake came out great, with a little help from my aunt, and I was left to decorate it with icing.

So I rake around for the icing sugar, and eventually find it. I dump in what there is, and make up this cobalt-blue coloured icing, and try to spread it on the cake, but it only covers about a quarter of the top.

So what did my befuddled 9-year-old brain think would make a good substitute? Flour.
White, self raising, flour.

The cake looked bloody marvelous, and as a first time cooking something, I was expecting a lot of yums and nice things from the folks. Instead, I get a lot of retching and bad words.

I sulked off to my room, ate the entire cake to spite them, and declared it was 'lovely'.



*Still haven't grown out of this - Monday morning I plan on taking my shed apart and rebuilding it with my 15-year-old cousin who is almost a qualified carpenter!
( OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Thu 17 May 2007, 21:11, Reply)

My halls food...
used to regularly (as in, about three times a week) feature pasta in what I can only assume was intended to be some sort of creamy mushroom sauce, but which was in fact like chewing through liquefied bread. Nonetheless, I was occasionally forced into it by the absence of anything else even vaguely palatable. One such time, I noticed that there seemed to be extra lumps of something in the sauce, and anticipated the addition of some new ingredient that might make it a bit more interesting.

Which it did, in a way. You see, although the lumps were really quite big, they were also entirely covered in the thick white sauce. When I experimentally prodded one, I discovered big, moist, succulent pieces of...cake.
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Thu 17 May 2007, 21:07, Reply)

Disgraceful bacon sandwhich in Gran Canaria
It was the last day of our holdiday and we got turfed out fo bed stupidly early by the twat of a holiday rep informing us that our last day would be void as there was some gay festival going on and we wouldnt be bale to get to the airport otherwise blah blah blah.
Anyway, we were still VERY drunk having only gone to bed about 3 hours prior so we were in a bad state on the coach. We got out of the main town and i decided i needed something to eat or i was going to be sick pretty sharpish.
We went to a little beach side cafe full of people and ordered a bacon baguette. "MMMMMM" I think, i cant wait for this! The food turns up and i take a big old bite into it and CRUNCH. I start wretching and spit out whats in my mouth.. its a f*kin big splinter of bone! I take another bite and CRUNCH/WRETCH again. ANOTHER big bit of bone. I Opened my 'food' and saw the whole of the bacon was peppered with bone chunks (in the meat, not just on it). I tried a few more mouthfulls before almost honking up all over the people sat either side. Makes me sick thinking about it even now. GOd only knows how i held my puke in the back of my mouth though consecutive wretches.
*wretches*
( Victor Meldrew, Thu 17 May 2007, 21:01, Reply)

In brief...
Spaghetti with Nesquik.
Can't pass the 5th bite.

(Well, I was very hungry, was worth a try)
(fred foobar Yeah, whatever..., Thu 17 May 2007, 20:51, Reply)

Dinner in Nigeria
Although most of the food was OK (if junk is your thing) the worst meal i've ever had was in a place incorrectly called Master Chef in Port Harcourt. Went there with an ex-pat and two Nigerian guys from the same oil plant as me and ordered what they ordered, chicken soup with garri. Garri turned out to be like a combination of bread and potatoes with all the flavour taken out but the chewiness left in. It was like blue-tac. But not blue. Anyhoo, we waited about 30 minutes for the Master Chef to wow us, which I was finding it harder and harder to imagine thanks to the smells coming through from the kitchen.
The food arrived and the only way I can describe this chicken soup was like a chicken that had died of starvation after being caught in an avalanche of grass cuttings. Not a clue what the green stuff was. The Nigerians didn't wait for the starting pistol, they were straight into it with their fingers, grabbing things, stuffing it into the garri and wolfing it down. Can't be all that bad then, I thought. I did the same as them, stuffed my garri full of chicken meat and green stuff, and chucked it into my mouth. After about two circuits of my taste buds I had already decided that I wasn't going to swallow whatever it was but hadn't decided if the chicken was in fact fish. I think it had gone off. I felt a bit bad leaving the food whilst the Nigerian boys were raising their bowls to theor faces and draining the last of the liquid into their mouths. I said I wasn't feeling well and I think they believed me (probably thinking "he must be ill not to eat this beautiful dish!"). The aftertaste of those two chews lasted me well into the afternoon but it wasn't chicken, grass or fish that I was getting, it was the taste of pencil sharpenings for a reason that I will never work out.
( Fray Brentos *mega-belms*, Thu 17 May 2007, 20:50, Reply)

Fish Head Soup..
I was on a job on main land China, where as has already been pointed out, they don't tend to have alot of lovely crispy duck with scrummy pancakes and a nice chicken chow mein. Oh no.
After eating various bits of crushed animals in peoples homes, we had a night out in the capital of Schezuan Province, Cheng Du. Special restaurant serves Fish Head Soup. You sit around a huge boiling bowl of stuff in the middle of the table, into which you have to chuck stuff in to cook then attempt to scoop out and eat, if it hadn't floated off round the table! Like a meat fondue on a grand scale. So they bring out a succession of stuff, including the fish heads (there is supposed to be meat in the cheeks!) some veg, lots of barely identifiable frozen meat shavings(?), but the over-riding memory is of the pigs penis and the solid lumps of pig blood.
Mind you this was eased down with plenty of beer, followed by rice spirit, which can only likened to high octane rocket fuel that is drunk only from thimbles. 6 or 7 and you don't care about the chewy pig cock in your mouth!
Well I didn't anyway..

Soon after that I did get food poisoning from some spicy prawns (should've been a bit wary as we were a fuck of a long way from ANY sea!)

What ensued was many many painful hours spent naked, hovering over open toilets, the ones in the floor with foot rests. You had to get naked because it was just all too messy for clothes..

Ah, I'll never forget that..
( moosecow and that was... Karate., Thu 17 May 2007, 20:45, Reply)

I got two words for ya...
Seal pie. In Newfoundland, you can buy seal flipper pie at the local grocery. I can't figure out if it's for real or if the entire province is having one on.

It's greasy, fishy, stringy, pungent meat with weird little bits of gristle in it and every once in a while, something that appears to be a hair all wrapped up in tasty flaky pastry.

I have seen people eat this with a smile on their face, but these people also eat batter dipped deepfried tongues ripped out of cod's faces and fried bread dough drenched in molasses (called damper dogs).

Edit: I forgot. The local NF MaDonald's had on their marquee "Today's special: McLobster" I have no idea, I wouldn't touch it. My 15 year old daughter states it must be either horrible or really good in a shitty sort of way.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 17 May 2007, 20:44, Reply)

Unfortunatly I know none worse than me at cooking
My speciality at Uni was onion ring sandwiches, which are as simple as they sound. One day though I thougth "bollocks to it, lets experiment". After adding many different sauces and fillings, I dediced to use mayo and heat it. DISCLAIMER: hot mayo is really, really, really to close to spunk.
(Big Poppa Gurf mole stations unite against molestation, Thu 17 May 2007, 20:43, Reply)

Its not that bad
500g Morrisons/Asda pasta
1 Jar Morrisons 'pasta sauce' or Asda bolognaise sauce
3/4 jar's worth of water
Heavy dosage of cheese.

It makes a pretty generic cheesy-tomatoey pasta mess. But it fills a hole (quite a big one at that).

I might also add the first ever shepards pie i made was just cheapo mince topped with smash and nothing else.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 17 May 2007, 20:41, Reply)

On leaving home
When I first left home and before I learned to cook, I lived with an old girlfriend and her gay (male) mate.
None of us had lived away from home before and although we could cook a little, it was much easier to just get stoned all the time and eat whatever we had in.
Nic, my ex, lived on boiled pasta with salt and pepper.
Tim lived on pot noodles
I had the most varied of diets, tomato puree on bread and dipped in olive oil.
This probably would have been fine for a day or so. We did it for three months and it only came to an end when my girlfriend visited and cooked as a roast with all the trimmings. I swear that each one of us was sick afterwards as we hadn't had any vitimins for months.
We were all pale and thin, pretty much heroin chic (quite fashionable at the time).
There were lots of leftovers from the roast so for the next couple of days we ate well and started to feel normal again. We resolved that we needed to cook properly and eat a decent meal at least once a day.
It was during this stage that I discovered, whilst experimenting, that sweet & sour caper stir-fry is not only a no no, it can make a demure girl projectile vomit by smell alone.
(EvilMeister, Thu 17 May 2007, 20:40, Reply)

Remembered another one
Not me this time but a housemate. He had a tendency to like making spicy food. Nothing wrong in that as such, I like spicy food too- usually. Not, however, when the spices were added to a shepherd's pie and were of the variety that are usually found in apple crumble or rice pudding. He had emptied about half a jar of Schwartz Mixed Spice (cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg) into the meat mix along with a load of garlic. It was truly disgusting.
( Lord Gnome, Thu 17 May 2007, 20:33, Reply)

You may think it's terrible, but I love it!
The worst thing I’ve ever eaten….Hmmm…..


I could be vulgar and comment on people I’ve known in the past….but I’m a lady and we don’t do that sort of thing….

Actually being a lady means that when it comes to eating, of course, we don’t spit….

I’ve eaten some things that other people find revolting but I’ve rather developed a taste for…..

- Like very rare steak – when it’s still slightly blue inside and the juices come running out of it as it melts upon your tongue, leaving a delicious meaty flavour.

- Or oysters which always remind me of playing in rock pools as a kid, but have the wonderful adult saltiness coupled with that delicate texture that just slides down your throat.

- Or foods like king prawns or lobsters which require eating with my fingers and within moments of lifting it to my mouth, tongue ready for the deliciousness, the garlic butter will have started to run down my chin, and be all over my fingers so I have to suck each one in turn.

But all of that eating just pales in comparison to the joys of cooking….

there is nothing better than spending a quiet evening in the kitchen enjoying the truly sensual pleasures of baking your own bread or even, dare I say it, gutting your own freshly caught fish or freshly shot rabbit….

Wild food – marvellous!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 17 May 2007, 20:32, Reply)

Okay, I can't be the only one.
But I can not stand mars bars.

It's not the taste, it's just the size I cannot handle. Eating a whole on makes me vomit uncontrollably (really), and I cannot eat for at least 6 hours afterwards. It's just the sheer size and calories of them. Horrible.

Fun size ones and the mars in celebrations I'm fine with, it's just the regular (and I assume) king size ones that ruin me.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 17 May 2007, 20:11, Reply)

........
b3ta.com/questions/badtaste/
(abignumber, Thu 17 May 2007, 20:08, Reply)

Rumptof
This is basically a large earthenware tub, which you fill with sugar, fruit, and rum, and then leave to ferment for six months or so. My parents received one as a wedding gift, and used it once.

In July, all the requisite ingredients were added, and it was left, and forgotten about. Until Christmas, when my Grandparents were staying over. Now, my Grandma is a wonderful woman, but does have the tendency to occasionally get cunnied at family gatherings. This was one of those times. She allegedly single-handedly devoured quite a large amount of the strong-but-not-brilliant-tasting substance, till she was rather merry, bright red, and hilarious. She is quite barmy at the best of times, but when alcohol is involved, things go downhill: 'Ohhh! Catherine! Have you seen the flying fish? I wouldn't normally ask anyone, but I know you get around a bit!', being one notable example. At this point, everyone was having fits of hysterics... Aside from my Dad, who had broken several ribs a few weeks before. Apparently it was the most painful Christmas ever.
(Merrep, Thu 17 May 2007, 20:03, Reply)

oh man i got this one down
so, setup is im staying in an old house near newquay. its tea time, so we break out the crackers and cheese (brie). so brie looks kind of like a slice of pizza, with white tops and bottoms and slightly yellowish insides. after spreading it on a couple crackers and taking a few bites, my sister screams. turns out that she spotted these little black dots moving in the brie.

yup. it turned out that we were eating a wedge of maggots. there was no cheese. none. just the white tops and bottoms and inside was a perfectly wedge shaped chunk of maggots with little tiny black heads moving around.

they tasted just like brie, as that was all that had eaten in their existence.

i still cant eat brie.
(laniik, Thu 17 May 2007, 19:58, Reply)

Curry
Way back when in my late teens, we used to hang around a Friends house we would usually end up with a few beers and maybe a few bottles of spirits.
Not a party more of a get together for a few people for the purposes of getting pissed, His house was always free because is parents were always away.
Anyway during one of these piss ups I get the munchies and manage to persuade someone to stop drinking and make a curry, about ½ hour later we are all tucking into a rather nice meaty curry and as I'm eating it I ask what is in it.
The 'Chef' who was not eating said 'you know the usual stuff, Onion, Garlic, Ginger, Chili, Dog Food, '
Yep, I was chewing on a Pedigree Chum Curry.

Not too bad though.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 17 May 2007, 19:51, Reply)

Template for most of these posts:
[food item]

It was [adjective with negative meaning].

Surely this everyday [food item] should not be made any more, because I do not like it! I imagine everyone clicking "I Like This", just because I do not like [food item].

~

Original thought died here today.
( Awesome Welles petitioning for foetuses to be rebranded 'wombles', Thu 17 May 2007, 19:35, Reply)