Easily remove small splinters
with a hatchet or chainsaw.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 15 May 2012, 22:05, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

to get a smug feeling of satisfaction
why not shit through the eye of a needle just so you can say you have done it
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 15 May 2012, 20:41, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Don't trust tomorrow's weather prediction on the tv?
simply sit still on the couch for 24 hours and then get a more accurate description of the past day's weather
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 15 May 2012, 17:28, Reply)

Help prevent cancer
by 'liking' lots of things on facebook....
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 10 May 2012, 9:57, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Prevent drunkeness
by only drinking Carling.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 10 May 2012, 9:51, Reply)

Eggs with faeces painted on
and placed back in the box make convincing 'free range local organic eggs' which you can sell at a roadside stand for twice the normal price.
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Tue 8 May 2012, 23:38, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Test if your dog is gay
By putting jam on your willy and seeing if he licks it off.

Simple.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 8 May 2012, 11:07, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Opening your garage door, and placing a couple of red lights in there,
Makes an ideal barcode scanner for zebras.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 7 May 2012, 14:44, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Eggs, with faces painted on
Make ideal 'weebles' in an emergency. However they dont wobble and they do fall down, and often break when using the Weeble fun house.
I'm sure hard boiled they may work, but I have ran out of eggs so cant test this.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 7 May 2012, 14:42, Reply)

Convince people...
...that you are a spy.

Sent from my locked red North Face bag
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 5 May 2012, 18:00, Reply)

Convince people...
...by wearing a t shirt that says "I am very convincing".
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 5 May 2012, 17:53, Reply)

Convince people you're not wearing a T-shirt
by wearing a T-shirt with "I'm not wearing a T-shirt" printed on it.
posted via iPhone
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sat 5 May 2012, 14:46, Reply)

Convince people you have a big cock...
...by wearing a t-shirt that has "I've got a big cock" printed on it.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 5 May 2012, 2:57, Reply)

Convince people you have an Iphone
by wearing womens clothes*





*If you're a woman, this isn't so much a top tip, as common sense. Although if you want to wear mens clothes, who am I to interfere?
(username failed moderation, Thu 3 May 2012, 12:41, Reply)

Convince people you have an iPhone
by fitting it into every conversation. "The sunset was so pretty I had to take a picture on my iPhone", "I'll google this pub quiz answer on my iPhone" etc..

Posted from my netbook because typing on glass using the second-rate browser on my iPad was pissing me off.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 1 May 2012, 1:05, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

A salad spinner
makes an ideal hand-cranked centrifuge for prawn sandwiches.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 30 Apr 2012, 16:16, Reply)

Make yourself quite queasy
by ingesting almost a full bag of American hard gums.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 30 Apr 2012, 16:13, Reply)

In fact, fuck it.
Just watch William Hartnell as Doctor Who anyway as it's fucking ace. It's on Netflix. Once you get used to the fact that your Netflix subscription costs more than each episode cost to make, they're surprisingly addictive.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 30 Apr 2012, 16:12, Reply)

Feel smug about
your belief that special effects do not a good sci-fi story make by watching William Hartnell as Dr Who.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 30 Apr 2012, 16:10, Reply)

Need to polish up some really tarnished brass?
Before getting the Brasso out give it a rub down with lots of Cillit Bang or if possible soak it in the stuff. This will blast most of the shite off and leave you with little to do but wipe it down and give it a quick polish to bring it up to a shine.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Sat 28 Apr 2012, 11:25, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Convince people you don't have an iPhone
By ending all your emails with "Not sent from my iPhone because I am not a ponce".

Sent from my iPad
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Sat 28 Apr 2012, 10:48, Reply)

Forgotten to pull together that important spreadsheet for your boss by the end of the day?
Need more time to play minesweeper/read b3ta newsletter/buy crap on eBay? Leave it right till the end of the day. Send them an email just before you log off, saying "Please find attached as requested". Then don't attach anything, and leg it. Then sneak into work early the next morning, finish it in the morning, then when your boss says nothing was attached, feign innocence, and send it across to them. I have never done this.*

*I have done this several times
(Dolly_Diva Dolly_Diva knows what you did..., Fri 27 Apr 2012, 21:34, Reply)

Convince people you have an iPhone
By mentioning that you have an iPhone rather than just calling it a phone
E.g. "I was calling someone on my iPhone the other day." As opposed to just saying, "I was calling someone on my phone the other day."
No one else mentions what phone they have. "I was calling someone on my Samsung Galaxy S II the other day."

*this message was sent via iPhone*
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 21:33, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Are you a bit of a cunt?
Then sign up and start posting on B3ta, you'll fit right in

Yes, I realise the irony of what I just said
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 21:29, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Convince people you own an iPhone...
By ending all of your emails with the line:

Sent from my iPhone.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 12:00, Reply)

win at any MMORPG
by harvesting all the water and waiting for the inevitable hosepipe ban
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 26 Apr 2012, 23:14, Reply)

Prevent unwanted attaention from women
By being just like me.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 17:39, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Convince friends that they have a cat.
By sneaking into their house, shitting and puking on the carpet and shredding their furniture with a Stanley Knife.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 17:38, Reply)

mice make ideal pets
for cats.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 26 Apr 2012, 15:29, Reply)