Family meal
Once went on a big posh family meal to Spud'u'like.

In Cornwall I think.

Maybe Wales.

It was definely raining.

My cousin was asked what he wanted on his spud.

He said chips.

Twunt.
(Tim K, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 23:40, Reply)

A certain curry house in Lincoln...
...opened its doors a couple of years ago, and having worked in Shoreditch for a while and then lived in Leicester, I thought I had a reasonable background in curry houses to give this new place the taste test.

It was crap. I went for the hottest curry they had and it was about as weak a bowl full of yoghurt. The beer was flat and the poppadoms were soggy rubbish.

To cap it all off, me and my girlfriend were violently sick that night, and she became so weak after repeatedly throwing up I had to prop her up and I got her vomit all over me.

I went back the following day and I got told in no uncertain terms to 'fuck off'.

You hear that Planet Masala - YOU FUCKING SUCK.
(Biromunch, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 23:35, Reply)

Lucky me
My Mum used to take us to The Little Chef as a treat.
(Tim K, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 23:35, Reply)

My Mum
So when my Mum picks the place to eat we know we are fucked.

Dad says it's too expensive.

Sister says she fell in the bog.

I say "if that's fucking chicken then chicken tastes like fucking cat".

And Dad says "don't say things like that you'll upset your Mum".

Bring on the Burger King ... shite maybe, be the same shite wherever you go.
(Tim K, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 23:34, Reply)

There's a voice, keeps on calling me . . .
When I was younger and spent most of my time hitching around watching dodgy bands, I recall having a huge argument at a Little Chef because I wanted a meal off the kids menu (and I wasn't a kid) cos I couldn't afford anything else. Eventually I got some food, more than likely the scrapings from other peoples plates, but at the time I was glad of it. I think I had a tin of beans in my kit bag but no can opener.
(garrison, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 23:24, Reply)

the shining, spanish style
I know I just posted but fuck it.


Got to South spain's main airport (forget which one it is now) to find that our flight was delayed by about 5 hours. Not one to stand for any shit I marched up to the Iberia checkin desk and demanded compensation. The family and I were told we could all have a complimentary meal at the best restaurant in the airport. "great" I thought looking forward to some tasty fayre.
We traipsed up to the food area and entered the most desolate, cold horrible restaraunt you ever saw. I'm not kidding but it looked just like the bar in The Shining, with one very very old, lonely man sitting behind the till and no customers whatsoever. Alarm bells had already sounded but we carried on regardless. Handing our tokens to the old man we sat down and waited for the menu. It didn't arrive. The old man hobbled over and told us that we were having soup, then Chicken.
There clearly wasn't any staff, just an old man. He shuffled off and we waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally he turns up with four bowls of vegetable soup which looked and smelled like sick. I had one spoonful and politely spat it back into the bowl. Unfortunately the old man was watching and seemed to take great offence at this. "whats wrong with my food?" he asked in broken english. Never one to mince my words I told him that it was shit and had come out of a tin can, and had been microwaved. With a downfallen puppies face he told me it couldn't be shit as was a great cook who had cooked for the Beatles and the Queen of England.
By this point my mum had run out of the restaraunt pissing herself laughing, closely followed by my sister. My brother and I sat there trying to stifle our laughter, but we ended our nice Spanish holiday laughing in a sad old mans face. We didn't wait for the Chicken.
(drshipman iz in yr shower killing yr nan, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 22:54, Reply)

Yum
Not really a meal...

But I once found a wasp in my bun.

True story.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 22:49, Reply)

my mother is the queen of breaking things gently
so my mother takes me out for a curry.

"this is nice mum, I can't remember the last time the two of us went out to eat together"
"well, I wanted to get you on your own so I could tell you I've decided to leave your dad".

yep, that was a pretty crap meal out...!
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 22:43, Reply)

Ahh Euro Disney
Super, great smashing... what a place, crap american food with the world renowned service of the French!

A couple of years ago a group of us went to Euro Disney for a few days travelling by the Eurostar. So carless of an evening it appeared we were obliged to go to the plastic american village outside. Hungry and with two kids tired out and almost asleep in buggies we queue for the Rainforest Cafe. An attractive young lady asks us how many there are, I reply, but ask whether it is possible for us to have a table with space where we can keep the kids in the buggies without causing disruption. The little attractive french filly smiles and helpfully phones up to enquire. ....Bloody hell better than those other Frenchies whom really had shut the shops/cafes etc when the rain started during the day inside the park WTF....hardly any "you English pig" attitude at all.
To make conversation with the beauty I ask whether the "prices around have increased with the recent Euro introduction" (something I had heard happened)and man were the prices steep there.
"Non it has always been expensive here, too expensive for the French" came the demure response.
"well not just the French it is pretty expensive for the English too." I respond gazing at her wonderfull eyes and noticing a slight narrowing of them.

"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T BE SPENDING ALL YOUR FILTHY MONEY BOMBING THE IRAQI'S THEN SHOULD YOU!!"

Shocked we proceed up to to be seated knowing full well she was going to be back on that phone "Give the English Pigs on the spacious table extra spittle in their food"

So American plastic themed tat, junk food, shite service and spittle. and all for 250 pounds...lucky we just had cokes!
(Froddo, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 22:40, Reply)

Little
(Theif) Chef anywhere in the UK. Whatever you order comes with peas in 3.7 pints of water making everything sodden - would rather eat someone elses vomit.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 22:38, Reply)

well
I was in vigrinia in some town with the extravigant population smaller than my High school seinor class, We stoped into a place to eat, called "EAT" by the big sign on the window apparently. anyway, I go there and its the mornin tyme so i get a cheese ommolete with orange juice
20 minutes later (how long does it take to make an omlette serriosly?)
waitress arives with the food, now ther was pulp in the orange juice, but this isnt what bothered me, i kinda like it like taht, the thing is, the pulp ws all majically settled onto the bottom, it was all there, it looked like it had formed some giant mass of pulp and was working twords reversing the juicing process.
so I drank a little of that before I theorised that If the pulp was inteligent enough to reform itself at the botom of the glass, i had no right to destroy it.
The ommolete however, was the fun part
and I do NOT know how they did this
bottom? burnt, almost to a crisp
middle, not even cooked and cold! what the hell, not to mention there must have been half a shell in there
and I had ordered a cheese ommolete, so what do they do?
they took a slice of krafts cheese and half melted it onto the top, it didnt melt fully because THE PAPER WAS STILL ON IT!

I dont know what that chef was on but it had to be something better than the entree
( Arsonade is saving up for a new box of hummus, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 22:37, Reply)

A group of us
went to a local restaurant in Hemel for my birthday. Considering it was so close, it was surprising we'd never been before, but I guess noone had ever recommended it.
From the outside it looked ok, but inside we noticed little things like tin foil wrapped around the light fittings to hide bare wires. The owners wife 'served' us, and for 'served' read 'attacked'.

Waitress school 101 ;
* When someone does not finish their meal the correct approach is "Was everything OK with your meal madam ?" and not "What's wrong with it ? You could do with eating more anyway."
* The correct way to take an order is "May I take your orders ladies and gentlemen ?" and not "Hands up for soup"
(Redbull_(UK) pfffft, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 22:29, Reply)

Special Greek Veal
On a lovely holiday with the girlfriend in Greece, we popped into the delightful sounding Restaurant Roma. I ordered the veal. Thirty minutes later at our table.... 'chicken bearnaise?' No answer from me, I'm having veal. The waiter was convinced it was for me and when I sent him back to the kitchen, he was back within seconds to assure me that it was what I wanted. 'This is special Greek veal, from the other side of the cow!' I reminded him he told me it was chicken, he just smiled and continued to profer the delicacy. We got takeaway.
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 22:28, Reply)

Any
MaccyD or equivalent is shit, as are the vast majority of ready meals from supermarkets. Being a bit of a fussy bastard, I prefer to cook for myself or pay serious money for good food in reputable establishments (still love good old-fashioned fish and chips!)

/edit - agree with sham
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 22:28, Reply)

chicken balls with thai whores
We arrive in Bangkok after a numbing 13 hour flight, dog tired and feeling shit. So what's the best thing to do? That's right, get twatted on super super strong eye blinding beer, and hang around with whores eating unidentifiable food.

When all the bars and clubs shut at 2am, we found a bar made out of bits of a pram and lego, staffed entirely by cute thai prostitutes, after sitting on the floor underneath the city's biggest, noisiest dirtiest flyover and drinking blood poison cocktails with these lovelies until 8am, we asked where the best place to have breakfast was.

A girl directed us to a street about 10 minutes away, so we got in one of those death cab tuktuk things and arrived at what can only be described as the filthiest street stall ever seen. Fuck it, we thought, way to drunk and tired to care so we ploughed in. I had some grotesque green soup thing with 'chicken balls'. To this day neither of us are any the wiser as to what these things are made of, but Chicken they ain't. Think about the nastiest slimiest piece of crap you ever put in your mouth and multiply it by 1000. I almost vomited just smelling it. I reckon it was dog ar something. To top it all the stallholder's 15 year old daughter was sitting next to us in her school uniform,smashed out of her mind drinking a bottle of shit looking rum and her dad kept asking us if we wanted her.
(drshipman iz in yr shower killing yr nan, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 22:07, Reply)

first prize to...
First place goes to the MILL HOUSE and BROUGHTON , North Wales.

they served me frozen lamb shank, when i complained they took it back re heated it and served it back to me.

Second place goes to KFC. i ordered a burger, when i got it, the mayo was yellow and had a skin on it and the salad was black and crispy, the chips had a hair in them and there was black moulding food stains all over the floor and tables.

YUK!!!
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Thu 27 Apr 2006, 21:59, Reply)

Vietnamese soup
Now-defunct restaurant in Chicago. The soup smelled like feet. WTF?!
(REJ, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 21:55, Reply)

What's in a Name?
For many years I called myself a vegetarian. This appellation was both incorrect, and disconcerting: I readily ate fish and eggs (but not "meat"), and I weigh over 23 stone (330 pounds for fellow yanks). Vegetarian was the easiest way to explain why I was ordering the salad as an entree instead of the steak.

I had recently discovered the joy of sushi, and was busily sampling different sushi restaurants in the New York City area. I'd encountered a lovely special item at one shop, the Scallops sushi. Scallops wrapped in nori, topped with mayonnaise & pepper, lightly toasted.

The next night, I asked the sushi chef at a new restaurant if they had Scallops. He sadly said no, but helpfully suggested Razor Clams instead. I obligingly agreed to the substitution, then sat in thought, wondering just how Razor Clams could substitute for Scallops. Turning to the menu, I read that the specialty of this particular sushi restaurant was "Live Scallops". Just as I realized my horrible mistake, I was presented with a tray with two juicy, wriggling pieces of clam nested on rice.

What could I do, but pop one into my mouth, and proceed to eat the poor thing. Then again with the second one.

After that, I no longer claim to be a Vegetarian. Pretty much the height of carnivorous behaviour -- killing your meal with your own teeth.
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Thu 27 Apr 2006, 21:46, Reply)

I wish I had that.
Had been with a new girlfriend for a few months (she's my wife now, but I digress) and we went over to her best friends house, and was promised slap up meal, woo hoo! I think, and basically starve myself all day.

So we get to her friends house and her boyfriend has cooked but refuses to tell us what it is, so we have the starter and a few drinks, then he brings out this whole squid, stuffed with rice, one for each of us, it's got the tentacles and the beak and everything still on it. Now I'll eat fish, but any other seafood is out, *barf*

So, as not to upset anyone I eat it, with PLENTY of wine to wash it down, come 10:30 I'm smashed and me an another guy who were invited are having beak eating competitions!

In the cab on the way home she turns to me and says "I didn't think you liked seafood" I replied in a very sorry voice "I f**king hate squid!"

I made the cabbie stop for a bucket of chicken on the way home, just to get rid of the taste...

As an after note, my wife then girlfriend was veggie, she had stuffed peppers, it is the only time in my life I have looked at a vegetarian meal and thought "I wish I had that"
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 21:40, Reply)

McDonalds
Not my worst meal ever (as I worked there at the time), but Im pretty sure the customers have not come back after the band of gypsies shit on the floor and preceded to wank into condoms and throw them at the windows. They were ginger Gypos too, the kind with monobrows.
(Chutney_Pie, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 21:36, Reply)

bad meals in restaurants ?
HOW MANY ?

cold thais, greasy indians, rancid oil and dirty glasses .... ffs, it's a rubbish, negative QOTW.

there's 2 places I will eat in and freely recommend: Morells in keswick, the lakes and 5, north street in winchcombe, glos.

try em, if I'm wrong I'll refund you ;-)
(sham-il-eer-tak-tak noes better but still can't give a fuck at, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 21:36, Reply)

I'll have what he's having....
Was in a Denny's outside of Boston with some friends prior to us all heading out west where he married "the hag" but that's another story. Denny's is a cheap and nasty resturant chain, same food everywhere you go, but at least I've never gotten food poisoning from them.

So there we sit 4 chaps with a waitress ready to take our order and a little kid about 6 walks by looking very distressed - when he gets level with our table his stomach decideds to give Denny's back what they gave him and he left a little pile of eggs and what looked like apple juice (or bile) on the floor.. Now what do you say at a moment like that?

Well the eggs look good, I think I'll have them please, but cook them so there's no runny stuff in them, not like his.

The waitress was none too amused by it all but what can you do eh?

Length? Girth? it's all in the weight.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 21:33, Reply)

McDonald's, Of Course
Here in Sacramento, I once saw a guy pull out a knife in order to get better service. People played it cool, and he got the service he demanded.

I once heard the pulpy sound of a watermelon shattering on the floor. Turned out the gigantic woman in line behind me had fainted, and the watermelon sound came from her head hitting the linoleum.

In Winslow, Arizona, I once ordered a Fudge Sundae AND a Diet Coke, together, and the pleasant Mormon behind the counter refused to comply, saying both were bad for me. Dammit, didn't have a knife!

In Las Vegas, there was once a McDonald's (mid-1980's, since closed) in the basement of one of the Strip hotels. Labor then was scarce, and so the night crew, with just one exception, was composed of near-unemployables: the lame, slow, halt, and mentally-compromised. A big theatrical performance had just let out around midnight, and people piled into the place - rich, impatient, obnoxious people, who quickly began making rude and imperious demands. Retards they might have been, but they still had their pride, and so they went on an impromptu work slow-down. It took me an hour and a half to get a burger, but it was sure fun to watch!
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 21:18, Reply)

Orange Squash
As a kid we used to go to Abersoch in Wales every year for our summer holidays. Every year we'd stop off in the same godforsaken Little Chef for some wooden food.

When I was about 8 we sat down for our usual crap food. I had a glass of orange squash with a straw.

I sucked up a straw full of squash, and very carefully and surreptitiously placed the other end of the straw by my father's earhole.

And blew. Hard.

Apparently the dulcet tones of 'Arrgh you fucking little cunt' followed by a clout round the back of the head is frowned upon in Little Chef eateries and we had to leave.

Me and dad still don't talk about the incident, though my step-mum thinks its hilarious.
( sm.pl.crt.rs I don't fucking know, do I?, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 21:06, Reply)

Two awful dinners in a row -- and we were attacked with a dead chicken
Half way through a holiday in Vietnam, we arrived in Hue. Ah, gastronomic capital of South East Asia. Dinner number 1 was a Vegetarian Restaurant. With Pork, Chicken and Beef on the menu. I ordered a stir fried dish with pork and vegetables. It turns out some sick bastard invented vegetarian pork with vegetarian pork fat on it. And it didn't taste of pork.

Meal number 2 was even worse. I ordered a "special" off the menu -- beer steamed chicken. When it arrived, it was rubbery, pale and smelled of stale beer (not surprising, in hindsight). I cut off a piece and found it was raw inside. I told them I don't generally eat raw chicken. I refused to have it resteamed over the same beer and instead ordered sweet and sour chicken. When it arrived, it smelled and tasted of stale beer. When I complained and told them that they had reused the last meal to make this meal, the waiter went to the kitchen, and then ran out waving a chicken carcass at me to show that he had used a different chicken. Didn't make a lot of sense to me. I told him that it was the worst meal I had ever been served and that the restaurant should be shut down. That was when we realised that we were in a foreign land, with an unfamiliar police force. We walked out slowly, but we were sprinting by the end of the driveway.

And it rained nonstop for 48 hours.
(blairslovechild, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 21:06, Reply)

Sea urchin eggs
Went to a very nice Sushi restaurant in Japan, together with a few colleagues. Everything served looked really lovely, tasted phantastic. Until we stumbled over a dish which - with 2 Japanese guys accompanying us - we roughly translated to be eggs from sea urchin. One of my colleagues was very interested but a little concerned what it would taste like. So one of the others poked the chopsticks into the stuff and tried a small amount. He then said "tastes fine", and went on to eat something else. Since that sounded convincing Mr. Anxious took a really big bite, and a split second later his face turns all green. He then proceeded to the little boys room for a rather relieving vomit. After he came back, he described it as the worst experience in his whole life. He asked why the other guy hadn't warned him, to which he replied "I thought it would be a laugh". It was.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Thu 27 Apr 2006, 20:39, Reply)

I'm Lovin' It
On the way home from work, needing a quick turnaround so I could go to the pub, I decided to go to the drive-thru at the local McDonalds (therefore it was a meal, I bought it whilst out and it was obviously crap, so this story counts, shut up). The quick turnaround part was slightly ruined by there being a massive queue. As I waited, impatiently tapping on the steering wheel, I noticed something rather odd. Every single car exiting the drive-thru contained people with massive smiles on their faces. Some were even laughing like retards, tears streaming down their cheeks. I gave the first few odd looks and began getting more and more intrigued as to what the hell could be so funny. As I waited I was imagining Ronald himself, handing out the burgers and blessing the patrons with his amazing comedic wit or, at the very least, a crudely drawn sign pinned, unnoticed, below the window reading "I am a cunthorse". But no. What did I see when I finally drove nearer to the window? Well it's the thing that has made me go "Awwwwwwww" in genuine heartfelt sympathy more than anything else has for quite a few years.

Standing at the window was what looked like a 12 year old boy but I'm guessing was, in reality, a late developer of a teenager. It was blatantly his first day and some neanderthal charver superior was standing behind him grunting orders at him, shaking his head and generally ripping the piss out of him whenever he got something wrong. He was struggling under pressure, screwing more and more things up the more he was shouted at, blushing furiously, being totally humiliated in public and couldn't understand why all the customers were finding it just so goddamn amusing. It felt cruel at the time but I just couldn't let his torture continue anymore. So I calmly pointed out that it was probably because he was standing at a window that made him visible to every car that went by, not only with his flies open, but with the end of his cock poking out for good measure.

If you're listening God, in my mind, he went on to win the lottery.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 27 Apr 2006, 20:27, Reply)

Redditch
About 1990 Im living in Redditch (dont worry, I recovered). Went out with then G/f for a slap up meal at a Chinese in the city centre (at he bottom of the hill past the Cinema). I decided to go for something other than Sweet & Sour chicken so ordered booiled rice and Squid in black bean sauce on a sizzling dish. Food arrives, waitress puts a bit on our plates and wanders off. I eat a bit, very nice, decide to put it all on my plate. Now, the sizzler consists of a shallow, heavy, metal bowl, resting on a wooden tray. For some bizare reason I thought the metal dish was somehow fastened to the wood, so I tipped it up to get all the juice/sauce out...metal slips, crashes into my meal and half of it goes on the floor. Fucksox. Cost a fuckin' bomb too. Fortunately ex G/f was anorexic so she left half her food and I had it. Result
(kitescreech still here, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 20:20, Reply)

Worst meal
Worst meal I ever ate was a dog shit sandwich. The bread was okay but the filling tasted like shit. I ended up just picking the crunchy bits out and eating them, its also a very messy sandwich to eat so would not recommend as I had shit all over my mouth.
(henryfoole, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 20:18, Reply)

Last time I ate out, I had a fish supper
It was disgusting, because I got a hair stuck between my teeth, and the dessert tasted like shit.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 20:16, Reply)