Not sure if it was stupid per se, but...
Signing up to b3ta has meant that I've done much less work for the last few months than I ought - with the result that I'll be working every day over Christmas and the New Year trying to clear the backlog ready for it all to start again in 2008.

Oh, well. Gives me an escape route from the family...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:48, 6 replies)

Wearing contacts when drunk
Went away for a weekend with friends and decided to leave the specs at home and enjoy the new found freedom of my lovely new contact lenses. Unfortunately one of the lenses fell out after about five pints, so I spent the remainder of the evening wandering around with one squint eye and the other wide open, like a drunken quasimodo. After a few more pints, I even managed the speech impediment and drooling.

Knowing that sleeping with contact lenses in is a bad thing, I dutifully removed the lenses before bed. Unfortunately I was still in plural while forgetting the lens was in the singular.

Remaining lens was popped without a problem. In trying to remve the non existant lens, however, I resorted to pinching the sides of where the lens should have been, with increasing firmness, again and again, for about 10 minutes.

The following morning my eye had glued itself shut, prying it open revealed two large, red fingerprint-shaped, bruises either side of my eyeball.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:46, 4 replies)

Bicycle Horror
Whilst out and about the town with a few mates, one of which has a rather nice mountain bike, we wandered into an art college which has a very large ramp leading down to an underground car park.

This ramp is at an angle of about 45 degrees and is about 100 yards long with about another 15 yards of flat tarmac and a metal gate at the end.

My friend on the mountain bike decides to wheelie down the ramp (show off) and tells me to do the same. Now in my stoned state I though this would be fun, even though I'm shit on a bike so I start rolling down the hill trying to pull aforementioned wheelie.

Down the hill..

Trying to wheelie...

Not braking...

FUUUCKK!

Hit the flat bit of the tarmac at about 20mph and bounce into the air heading face first into this metal gate which was coming at me rather quickly. I hit the floor about 5 yards in front of the gate and luckily after the bounce, had been turning slightly so skidded sideways into this gate and smashed my head and my mates very expensive mountain bike on it.

I picked myself off the floor and immediately fell back to ground with a terrible ringing in my ears and the feeling of liquid oozing from them. There was no blood coming out luckily.

I was seriously woozy for the next few days, but my mates bike was fucked.

That was quite a silly thing to do now wasn't it?
(Jimmy Large Is huffing Jenkem on, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:43, 7 replies)

Expensive mountain bikes + pub = injuries
A couple of years back I was visiting two of my mountain biking buddies. All three of us had just bought brand new, full suspension Specialized Enduro mountain bikes with all trimmings. Between the three of us our bikes amounted to some £7k worth.

Post ride, we decided to head to the local pub for a few jars to ease the conversation, which consisted mainly of words like "dude!", "gnarly" and "big air".

We're riding through a rural Essex village which is distinguishable by it's very lack of craggy geological features, when the urge to tit around like seven year olds takes over. Phil (he of builder fame) is practicing jumping off things and I'm keen to follow in his tyre tracks, gleefully hurling myself off anything like a demented lemming.

Nathan however is practicing the fine art of hitting the front brake and lifting the rear wheel in one smooth motion - known to all as the "stoppie". Having lept off a kerb, I'm airborne as Nathan decides to execute a stoppie when he's directly in my path.

My beer fuzzed senses are slow to react, something in my brain screams "stop", so I jam on the brakes. However, four pot hydraulic disc brakes are as much use as a pair of chocolate trousers when both wheels aren't touching the ground.

The bike lands with the brakes applied, which throws me over the bars right at Nathan. Being on a pub ride, I'm not wearing any headgear so I hit Nathan noggin first in the kidneys, winding him. I drop like a sack of spuds onto Nathan's rear tyre with all my weight, and then bounce down the road a few more times for effect.

Dazed, I get back on the bike and inspect for damage. Thankfully there's not a scratch, so we gingerly proceed to the next beer garden on the list. I'm aware of a few strange pains on the way but think nothing of it.

Sat in the beer garden, I lift my t shirt to inspect the damage. Much to everyone's amusement I seemed to be sporting an imprint of Nathan's rear tyre all the way across my torso, from my right armpit to my left kidney. I had a near perfect tyre tread image embossed in bruises, of which I was understandably very proud.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:39, Reply)

I was almost decapitated...!
I was probably about 13. We boarded the "high speed train"- at that age, it seemed like boarding a rocket.

I cant remember where we were going, but it did take a couple of hours to get there.

The train was one of those old fashioned one's that was still around in the 90's the type here the windows on the carrage doors slid vertically down about 1/2 way.

Well, the 13 year old yours truely, had his head sticking out of one of these door windows turning against the wind so my glasses didnt fly off, like a dog in a car my head was sticking out, tongue was rolling around. I felt like the fastest kid in the world.

Well, I turned my head just in time to see another high speed train hurtling along on the other direction and managed to somehow pull my head in just before I felt the blast of air caused by the two trains meeting.

I was pretty quiet the rest of that trip.
(drain_bamaged, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:29, 3 replies)

Not me...
When the ex was a good little Catholic churchgoer, she would do the usual candle-lighty thing in the church.

Except one time, she was wearing one of those cardigans with the REALLY big and baggy sleeves. As she leaned over to put a lit candle on the altar, her sleeve dangled in the naked flame of one of the already lit candles. Her cardie went up in a ball of flames within 3 seconds…

Actually, when I think about it her family has something of a history with places of worship and pyromania. One of her cousins went one better when he were a nipper and burned a whole bloody church down.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:27, Reply)

My true story poem :

I walked back to my office chair
without checking my underwear
'seconds from disaster' will buy my tale
of how my boxer shorts did fail
As i sat i felt the pain
the twisting agony , and testicular strain
Its seems I'd let slip my 2 veg and meat
and trapped my bits between my arse and my seat
( Damion International - now taking orders., Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:26, 1 reply)

On a more cheerful note
Back at uni me and my mates went to a Back To School ent at the union. It was usually a top night. Lots of cheesy 80s/early 90s music and more importantly lots of fit girls in uniforms which I'm sure weren't officially de rigeur at their schools (and if they were then I definitely went to the wrong school).

Anyway we got chatting to a group of attractive freshers in the bar who were hooked on our every word as we were old, mature worldly wise third years. Everything was going swimmingly and me and my mates quickly got into a semi-serious contest of taking it in turns to get more and more outlandish rounds in. Thus we'd made out way from whiskey to G&Ts to absinthe to port etc and were all fairly hammered. The girls seemed suitably impressed too.

Then it came to my round. Unfortunately my booze addled brain was unable to come up with any ideas for a new and exciting shot for us to try so I settled for sambuca. On returning to the table I was greeted with a mixture of derision and scorn for my lack of imagination.

In a desperate attempt to salvage my rapidly flagging image I whipped out my lighter and said "No, no it's ok they're going to be flaming sambucas!"

I should have noticed the sudden concern on some of the girls faces. I should have noticed the way my mates changed from piss taking to egging me on. I should have remembered I was wearing shorts...




I should have remembered that the union only used plastic glasses after 9 o'clock.
(Milo Minderbinder, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:18, Reply)

Never listen to your older brother
When I was about 15, my older brother convinced me that it would be a great idea for him to turn the hoover on, spray lighter fuel into the hose and then for me to hold a lighter next to vent that the air comes out of.

You would think that a 15 year old would think better of this, but for some unknown reason I did not.

The resultant wall of flame pretty much engulfed half of my head and left me with a crazy lopsided haircut with one side all melted giving off a distinct burning smell.

We quickly ran upstairs and he gave me a quick impromtu hair cut before our folks came back and bollocked us for being complete eedjits.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:16, Reply)

Fell asleep at a bus stop
On Tuesday. At 1 in the morning. At Seven Sisters. Unsurprisingly alcohol was involved.

Woke up half an hour later to find a bloke with his hand in my left pocket removing my phone and holding my wallet in his right.

He ran off and the really dumb thing I did was to then chase after him, off the main road and into an estate.

Fortunately being trashed I then tripped over the curb and fell flat on my face. Got a couple of scrapes and bruises and ripped my trousers for my troubles. But as my girlfriend pointed out it was probably a good thing I didn't catch him as he might well have had a knife or something.

Arsebiscuits. Anyways happy Christmas everyone. Hope its going better than mine.
(Milo Minderbinder, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:06, Reply)

Flame on!
I had one of those mini blowtorch lighters back in the day, thought the damn thing had ran out of gas so did the usual shake and press the button but no joy.
Held it up to my ear and shook it, could hear no gas at all so i pressed the button (i still don't know why) and brûlée-ed my ear

fun.....
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 10:00, Reply)

garden fork
I was about 7 or 8 and round the back of one of the sheds at our house there was a huge pile of wood - mostly boxes and driftwood taken up from the beach. At the bottom of the pile right next to the wall of the shed there was a small hole that I could crawl through into the middle of this pile of wood where, because of the way the wood was piled, there was enough space for little eight year old me to sit in. I thought this was excellent - clearly the best place ever to hide in games etc. Only thing was the hole you crawl in was pretty obvious. Off I went to find something to block it up. Best I came up with was the head of a rusty old garden fork - but this was cool because it'd be like a portcullis. Got back to the pile and, insted of placing it over the enterence I lifted it above my head and dropped it... right through my red wellies with the picture of Eric turning into Banana Man, right into my foot. Surprisingly for my age the first thing I did was wrench it right out of my foot before running in crying to my Mum. Had to get a tetanus injection and wasn't allowed a new pair of Banana Man wellies for a few months so had to not step in puddles.

Pretty stupid.
(cannonfodder fodder for cannons on, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 9:56, 1 reply)

Short and stupid
Being alcoholically-challenged on the occasion of my 21st birthday, I attempted to take a shortcut back to my student house...

...which is how I ended up hanging upside down from a railing, the spike of one firmly embedded though my shoe, and my head about three feet from the ground, at 2 in the morning, in Middlesbrough. Still, my friends found me after about half an hour.
(Mousy Tongue ...Generally bemused by life..., Fri 21 Dec 2007, 9:51, Reply)

Biggest phone bill ever...
So one night upon returning from the pub I thought I'd catch some late night telly in hope of some softcore p0rn - hey I was drunk and horny what can I say?

Anyway nothing was on but I did catch a lovely lady doing a phone in quiz show.

So I thought why not I'll give 'em a bell, I got through on the 3rd attempt and won £50. Woot.

Cue the next two hours constantly trying to get through. I won £350 in total and the girl was drawing hearts on screen for me, yay.

Sadly though the £350 just about paid for the VAT on my phone bill. Seeing as my phone only clocks 29 calls I didnt think it was that big, but it was :-(

My sim got barred until I paid the £1,080 that I owed - luckily I paid it off the same day and nothing is against my name, but the guy at T-Mobile said it was the biggest bill he's ever seen.

And I guess the other bad thing was is that it was my Christmas Bonus of a £1000 that went down the shitter.

I felt sick for a week after that.

no apologies for length.
(Shifty Bloke, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 9:50, 3 replies)

brilliant parking
My first car was a ford orion, it stalled a lot, but it was my first car and I loved it.

Oner day I was driving into the works car park, it was at the top of a small hill, with a gate you got through with a card swipe.

I drive up and get out to swipe my card, the engine stalls, bugger thinks i. gets in and attempts to start the car, nothing.

I opened the bonnet, got out and as I attempted to lift the bonnet the car starts rolling back down the hill, I'd left the handbrake off.

I just stood there as the car rolled down the hill and slowly began to turn. then the turning began to get faster.

Finally it mounted a grass verge which thankfully slowed it down, the turning increased and I watched as my car slowly parked itself perfectly into a parking bay with only the front wheels on the grass, and not a bit of damage.

I was happy no one seen the embarrassing incident, until I walked into the building and the two security guards were pissing themselves having watched the entire thing via CCTV on their monitor.
(Andy-Bhoy I'm here all week, try the veal., Fri 21 Dec 2007, 9:37, Reply)

I said "I do"
That was pretty stupid.
(Cane: I love Sushi, Sobriety & Shotokan, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 8:55, 1 reply)

We were on Ko Phag Nagn, a Thai island famed for its full moon parties (although everyone's doing them nowadays)
Anyway, we were on one of the quieter beaches and spot a large crowd sitting outside one of the bars, so we saunter along to see what's going on.
Hey, it's a fire jumper, he sets up his big hoop, covers it in petrol and lights it.
Does lots of acrobatics, leping through backwards, sideways and so forth, all very spectacular.

then he invites the audience to have a go.

One bloke is straight up to the challenge, he's up and through the hoop without pausing for breath, then another chap, then a girl goes through and catches her shin, ooh nasty.

Then I think "I could do that" so I walk over, have a look and then decide "actually no, that hoop is just a tad too high for me to be sure of clearing it" and then I go and sit down again and some more folks jump through.

Of course, by the time I finish my beer I realise that it's not too high and I could easily clear it, so I head over, line my self up with the flaming hoop, I start running, I throw myself through the hoop....



I fell on my face with a burning ankle, had to wear bandages and limped for weeks, still have the scars BUT THAT'S NOT THE BEST PART

PART 2
I run into the conveniently situated sea and cool my ankle, then I hobble back to my seat and start of subsequent beers. Meanwhile this german girl (a nurse apparently, not that that has much bearing) has decided she wants to do the leap of doom, but she's looking a bit nervous. So in order to be sure she clears the hoop, she's decided to give herself a boost.
She drags over a plastic chair and sets it in from of the ring, now these chairs are unstable at the best of times, never mind trying to put them up on sand.
She climbs on the chair and everyone is shouting "no don't do it you dozy person" or similar
She's evaluated her situation and thought better of it, she climbs down from the chair, everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

She moves the chair closer to the hoop and gets back on, everyone decides to stop shouting at her and let darwinism take over.

She's on the chair, bracing herself like a diver, her friend is on the other side of the firey ring, beckoning her to her doom, we're all watching, expecting the worst, but what happened next was still shocking.

She does it! The german lass propels herself off the chair, but as she lifts one foot, the other sends the chair backwards, she's unbalanced, she has no momentum, she's falling forward, but unexpectedly, she lands on her foot.

One foot on either side of the ring of fire.

Her shorts quickly go up, she's standing there with a burning crotch that cannot be cured by natural yoghurt, her friends drag her out and into the sea.

Length? I doubt she was getting any after that
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 8:08, 3 replies)

Ive set my hair on fire
doing hot knives pissed, over a gas cooker.

Just say no thank you.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 21 Dec 2007, 7:54, 1 reply)

Married a lass...
Because she had lovely norks and sucked dick as if the antidote was in it.

Cost me AUD$xxxK in divorce expenses. Thank Christ I didn't breed with her.

Found out ten years later that she had been putting it away with her five years younger brother. I shit you not.

Length? Mine was bigger than his!
(EffinNitWit asks his tobacco where his whisky is, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 7:42, Reply)

Sent This Pic To People
That was prtty dumb. Me on holiday. That's a knotted hanky that is.



You can take the boy out of the village....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 6:07, 9 replies)

Happily this was not me...
...but some retard from the Furniture Design course at uni (who probably should have known better, I'd have expected this from some spastic Fine Art student) managed to cut the ends of their own fingers off with one of the big saws in the workshop (that both courses share), meaning that all of us now have to have another day-long induction on how to use power tools and not fall into them and cut limbs off, just in case we are as dumb as that guy.
Thanks a lot, you mahogany-feeling twat.
(Ryuken-Kai, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 4:53, Reply)

I made a pact with a dark thing of the underworld.
Not only that, I made a pact with one that

Couldn't read - which I found out after writing a contract on my own skin, in my own blood.
Interrupted my incantations wanting to go to McDonalds.
asked me every five seconds why I'd bound it within a magic circle.

Honestly - never try and summon a demong.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 4:48, Reply)

The other week...
I set my hair on fire trying to smell a lit candle to see if it was a scented candle.
It wasn't.
(Ryuken-Kai, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 4:40, 1 reply)

A friend of mine
who is far nerdier than I (and this is hard) was cleaning up a "role-playing miniature" prior to painting it. Now, this guy had something up with the nerve endings in his wrists and hands, something I'm pretty sure was caused by copious amounts of masturbation, but regardless, he had bouts where he couldn't feel a thing.

He was drilling something with a pin-vice*, while we were watching something on TV. Quite interesting it was. In fact, so interesting as to distract him from the task quite literally in hand.

He'd drilled through the model, and continued through his hand. Missed everything important, didn't even bleed. Its healed perfectly now.

I myself have done alot of stupid things, but this requires concentration!

_{*A pin vice isn't actually a vice, its a small hand-tuned drill you brace against the palm of your hand, and turn with your fingers.}
( Mr.Ons knows you can hear him, Earthmen., Fri 21 Dec 2007, 4:38, Reply)

Without doubt
dumbest thing I did was send the goatse link around the office with the message "Worst thing on the web".
Fast forward through the years to now and I am STILL getting replies from various people who considered that a challenge.
Oh dear Jesus... the things I've seen since then.
( difficultchild, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 4:25, 1 reply)

QOTW Doubled...
plenty of wafflement I think shall be had here...

Being a raging alcoholic there have been numerous situations where my imbuement with various tinctures have led me to a variety of severly daft evening conclusions...

The one that specifically comes to mind is the occasion I decided to cycle to university to save the couple of quid on bus fare.

We're only talking 3 miles each way, but my pocket was burning deep with jangling pound coins saved - so I did what all self respecting (or not) student alcoholics do and spent it in the union... it was barely 5pm by the time I had spent my 20 pence, but I was quite far from drunk - equally far from sober... for the ride home...

I made it 90% of the way back.

Navigating my homeward retreat on the pavement, as is my choice even to this day...

where, unfortunatly, I met a distinguishing blow from a car - at about 30mph...

Nothing was broken except the bike - but I did close down the major road into birmingham at peek rush hour with 2 ambulances, 2 police cars, a paramedic motor bike and a paddy wagon... and the result -

apparantly I bounced off the bonnet - suffered deep bruising of the ribs - lost a few nwe piercings as they had to be taken out for xrays - and the worst 2 weeks ever, as anyone will tell you, having a cough and cold when you have damamged ribs is hell...

Quite dumb - I think I learnt - didnt touch a bike for years after!!!
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 3:28, 4 replies)