Staples
Back in the good old days when I was at uni. My house mates and I got exceptionally drunk and decided to staple our jeans to our legs (about 8 staples per leg)... I even went to bed with the staples still in... absolutely wrecked in the morning when I had to pull them out whilst extremely hung-over.
( hygor gyrates with animatronic emptyness, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 23:06, Reply)

Safety first
Another Opel Kadett incident. When I was at Uni in Belfast I lived in a house right next to a very busy street. One day a car crash happened just in front of the house, one of my Uni friends was involved. He was trying to enter our parking lot, when a car crashed into him. The thing with our parking lot is it was surrounded by a high wall so you could not see the traffic on the street. So the next day - to play it safe - one of my friends stood at the entrance to see whether I could drive onto the road. I watched for his instuctions, driving slowly forwards - crashing the side of the car into the wall when turning into the street. From then on my Opel Kadett had a rather shockingly looking football sized dent right behind the passenger door.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Thu 20 Dec 2007, 22:51, 1 reply)

Bomb Threat
I have no i dea why i decided to do it, bar a silly school boy bet, but i did it. Only one girl knew about it, which was to prove my downfall. The deal was i was to phone my old high school and say there was a bomb within the premises. The effects were far greater than i ever expected. One teacher fainted, ambulances, police, fire brigade and the bomb squad turned up. The entire school was evacuated. I had won the bet, but sharon (for that is the tarts name) decided to tell her mate, and another. Within 5 minutes it went around the whole school. I was subsiquently arrested and charged 2 days later.

To cut a long story short, i got sentenced with only a breach of the peace and made to do 240 of community service in a charity shop, which i enjoyed doing. I still feel like a bit of a muppet for doing it now and again

Im a bit of a legend round here now, still need to get that little tart back though.
(Krissgti is chasing the greasy homeless of glasgow, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 22:45, 2 replies)

I forgot how to start my car
I had this very old Opel Kadett, which I drove for nearly 200000km in total. Towards the end of its lifetime something embarrassingly stupid happened. I was away on holiday for 6 weeks in Canada, driving a shining new Nissan Patrol. Came back and wanted to start my old car - and simply forgot that the bloody thing had a choke - which you needed to operate in order to cold start it. Since the fuel gauge was down to nearly 0 I assumed it had run out of fuel (while I was away ?!?). Called my sisters to bring some fuel, and when she finally arrived the word "CHOKE" materialized in my brain. In capital letters approx. 5 miles high. Oh the shame.

Length? It was considerably shorter than the Nissan Patrol.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Thu 20 Dec 2007, 22:39, 1 reply)

glasses
Now, I am the queen of doing stupid things. However, there aren't many stupid things I've done that I want to admit to. So, have a story that I'm not so ashamed about.

I wear glasses, I should probably wear them all of the time but usually don't for work because I'm too lazy to go back upstairs to get them. However, I'm not very good at looking after my glasses and have a habit of sleeping on them, sitting on them, standing on them etc etc, you get the point. This means that the arms on them usually bend meaning they don't fit on my face too well. This one pair I had used to fall off my face quite easily. So, as people tend to do I was on the toilet, got up, went to flush the chain. However, my glasses decided at this point to fall off my face, into the toilet, whilst the toilet was flushing.

yup, I flushed my glasses down the toilet, over a hundred quids worth of eye wear gone and me without my glasses til I got a new pair.
(lei, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 22:29, 2 replies)

I dropped it like it was hot.
I once dislocated my right knee whilst dancing to "Drop it Like it's Hot" in a pirate hat round my friends house.

I had to pop my kneecap back into place and consume several nurofen, just to make things worse I only had about 45 minutes to recover before going to the cinema with some mates, I failed to see the funny side of the incident.
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 22:20, Reply)

Been there
Did it to my boot once. Convinced me of the need for kevlar trousers and proper training, and someone else actually doing the bloody sawing.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 22:07, Reply)

Another electrical one
Working live on industrial wiring is one of those things that works alright in in principle but in practice is downright dangerous without a lot of training. Most of the time I've got away with it but the time I didn't, there was a bang about as loud as a shotgun blast and a ball of plasma the size of a pineapple exploded between my hands. Simutaneously (and instantaneously, for you technical types) the C60 breaker protecting the submain operated and pulled out all the lights, all the computers, all the test gear, the whole lot... i was less than popular, and worse, I'd blown the end clean off my best screwdriver. Once more, meh.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:57, Reply)

I spent £30 on the original Lego Star Wars II for the DS
THIRTY FUCKING POUNDS!!!
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:57, Reply)

Power tools are dangerous kids! :oP
When doing DIY, do you ever have those moments where you know what you are doing is silly and dangerous, but you continue anyway?

I was trying to plain a small piece of wood around the size of a large matchbox. Holding the electric plainer upside down, i tried passing the wood over the blade... it snagged and kicked the piece of wood away letting my hand hit the blade. In an instance the tips of my fingers were removed. It felt like being whacked really had with a ruler. No real pain at first.

I saw stars, hyperventilated and almost passed out because of the shock!

The damage is pictured here:



Amazingly, it healed perfectly, including fingerprints after many dressings got stuck to the wound.
(JohnO, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:56, 5 replies)

broke my wrist
didn't realise for 3 and a bit months ...cue an operation set with chisel, plate and pins

owwy
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:55, Reply)

I ate a five pound note once
My reward? Five pounds.
(Coin Operated Boy is reading the new Bravissimo catalogue on, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:48, 3 replies)

Fiddly gadgets
I once had a Casio G-Shock wristwatch. You know the type, the ones which you can chuck around and twat with hammers, not to mention swim down to a depth of two hundred metres and not even give a second thought. I loved this watch as it was very comfortable and looked good. Eventually, the battery went and I decided that as I had a set of jeweller's screwdrivers, I could take the back off and fit a new battery. I unscrewed the four screws on the case back of the watch and as I slowly removed the cover, all of the protective layers, covers and shock absorbing springs inside of the watch shot out of the casing like they were desperate to escape the housing which was holding them captive for the past few years.

Gutted and feeling like the five year old kid who'd just dropped his ice cream cone, I decided to stick to a wind up watch.
(Taunting Lunatics Belming at you since, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:47, Reply)

well
I bought a central heating system for my house, then moved house before winter set in. First and only house I've had with modern central heating, and I never used it. Five grand...

Meh.
Freezing in here. Running out of furniture to burn.
(Jack Rarebit ...We like chillies, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:35, Reply)

I've never posted a fake.
Now, I'm scared. I'm afraid I won't do this tale justice.

18 months ago Myself and 3 friends went out to canada, fernie to see a couple of equally friendly friends who had spent 4ish months there to become skiiers of ultimate power and skill. One of these friends (I shall call hime fred, for that is his real name) was staying with some lovely lads from around the UK. There was Emo James, Ginger James... actually those are the only two i can remember the names of. Anyway... i decided to steal freds housemates for drinking purposes. The legal drinking age over there is 19 and i was one of few old enough to go out on the raz. Now snowy regions are fantasic to get pissed in. You fall over and there is comfy snow, you slip up every other step, which is bloody hilarious. As you might be able to tell i'm not very good a telling jokes. I decided to entertain these lads and be proud of the laughs i would recieve. No matter what i had to do to receive them. After finally getting kicked out of the last bar to close we veered and slid our way to Fred's house to crash and burn. I thought 'yes, this is my time to shine!' after already trying backflips in a bar to impress this girl who was totally the fit one from rules of attraction and landing on my back 5 times in a row. I decided physical humour was my forte. Cue me running into a chain link fence...

It springs me back into the street where i slip in a gutter and fall down the side of parked car. Rapture of laughter. Cue me running full pelt at a waist high gate.

I flip so fast i've only moved half a foot before i'm upside down in what turns out to be the local primary school. Tears break out and pavements are pounded with fists. James the Emo believes it is a good idea for me to run at cars. Cue a slightly bruised but heavily tanked up deadheaded one running down the long block towards the nearest set of headlights.

I fail to meet the car, it was really far away and there was a perfectly good one parked right by. so i run and fall into what turns out to be a pickup. I'm lying there, in the pickup when a james tells me it belongs to the local sheriff (true or not i have no clue but for a pisshead i can move quick if circumstance requires) so i bolt out of that to find another james bent double and retching from excrutiating mirth.
I decide to leave cars alone.
we enter the house and i spin a tale of the time i put my head through some plasterboard at an end of the world party in a soon to be demolished bungalow. The James' don't beleive me. not even after the last hour. Cue deadhead tapping walls.

Slowly i turn to the boy with his hair over one eye, wearing his little sisters jeans and say, 'watch this'. I run from the back of the kitchen to the recently found plasterboard wall. headfirst.

The wall did not win. I advanced again with a larger audience, attracted by the noise of the initial charge. The hole widened and I fell uncerimoniously to the floor satisfied, with a shit eating grin and a dazed look upon my face.

Noone laughed.

I had taken it too far.

That's how I owed Fred 90 canadian dollars.

length? well i couldn't do it justice in one sentence.

girth? Maybe you had to be there but it's certainly funnier in the pub.

p.s also got naked for a hottub and decided to make snow angels. The snow had frozen so i just scratched my arse. Tried to give the police a personal account while under the influence of at least 2 contrabands. I Love Canada. It does not love me.
(Necromental is a voice., Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:11, Reply)

Silly me.
I let one of my best friends know her new boyfriend was actually an unfaithful liar. We even had e-mails and voice messages left for one of the the girls(oddly enough, another friend of mine) he'd been trying to pick up since they started dating to prove it.

Don't do it, kids -- they'll only put the blame on you instead of where it belongs. And then, naturally, they'll bitch and moan about how they 'can never find a good man!' Maybe if you stopped apologising for the cheaters, love. . . .
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:08, Reply)

Drug related.
I decided to take acid with 3 of the silliest blokes I knew. It culminated with me hysterical and hiding under the duvet trying to escape one of them while he came in through the bedroom window to try and calm me down.


Plus I nearly had sex with someone I really didn't want to have sex with. Drugs, don't do it kids!
( girlinthehole, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 20:44, Reply)

Water hemlock

According to Wikipedia, "Upon human consumption, nausea, vomiting, and tremors occur within 30-60 minutes, followed by severe cramps, projectile vomiting, and convulsions. There are occasional long-term effects, like retrograde amnesia".

I ate about a bushel of it when I was 5. Nothing happened. At least, nothing that I can remember...
(rogerzilla, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 20:43, 2 replies)

The Karate Kids
After watching The Karate Kid for the third time that day (recorded on VHS, nice one ITV) me and my younger brother decided it was time we had our own Karate championship. It was me Vs him in the...guess...FINAL!!

After ten minutes of battering the crap out of him I figured it was time to use my grand finisher to, well, finish the little bastard off of course! This involved biding my time until he went to kick me then me catching his foot and booting his remaining foot from under him. I'd practised it many times with him on our parents bed. It would be harmless.

The predictable boot to the sack was delivered which I easily caught with my left hand then delivered the fatal leg sweep sending dear bro crumpling to the floor and me the Karate champion of the world. Result!

After a few moments celebration my bro still hasn't got up and is whimpering on the deck like a loser. For that is what we was.

Hours later and a trip to the hospital, turns out I had badly sprained his ankle and broke his wrist. Ooops. Got a right bollocking for that of our Dad and he used his finisher on me. Slap round the back of the bonce and bed for being a "Fucking idiot".
(Mr G to you , Fathead, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 20:40, Reply)

Ok, this is a corker.
The dumbest thing I ever did was not grab life by both hands when young and shake it by the goolies. It's only now at middle age do I realise that I've been a complete numpty and have wasted a lot of energy on being miserable and boring. Ok, I had a spurt of excitment and danger a decade ago but that petered out and I slumped back into oblivion.

I don't intend to let the next few decades flash by in the same way.

Children I say to you now - don't let life pass you by and do everything and everyone that life offers you. Climb every mountain, swim every sea etc. You'll thank me for it in years to come.

This message was brought to you so that you may pass on my teaching and spread the word.

Good luck and goodbye!
( girlinthehole, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 20:15, 9 replies)

Fairy Lights
Being official DIY person in my house; I was last year tasked with changing the fuse in the fairly lights which were shortly to adorn our tree. Of course, being temperamental fairy lights, I knew it might be the fuse bulb that was gone, and decided not to fully replace the plastic insulation case on the back of the plug in order to save time if this was the case (so that I could replace the original fuse if required; we have a permanent shortage in our house).

I plugged the lights back in to our Christmas lights extension cable, and realised that the point of the back of the plug was to keep the pins in place - the live pin had not gone into the socket. Rather than doing the sensible thing, and replacing the full plug, I decided to push the live pin down into the socket with my bare finger.

Of course, I had neglected to check that the outlet the extension cable was plugged into was off. I heard a strange buzzing and a strange vibration at the tip of my finger, followed by me jumping backwards about 5 feet from my position underneath the Christmas Tree.

On the bright side, the lights did work once my body had been removed from the circuit.
(insert username here, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 20:15, 1 reply)

Posting this on behalf of another.
My daughter related this story to me.

She knows a girl at school of amazing thickness and density who she refers to as Pop Tarts, as the girl was 13 before she learned how to heat food for herself- and was extraordinarily proud of herself for toasting a Pop Tart.

Apparently one day Pop Tarts was looking at her laundry basket and wondered what it was like to be a dirty shirt, so she climbed into the hamper and closed the lid. Her sister came through and asked her what the hell she was doing, then left in disgust when she got her answer.

Pop Tarts got it into her head for some reason that her sister had locked her in the hamper and panicked, and tried to stand up. But as she was in a crouched position with her back against one side of the hamper and her knees against the other, she couldn't get up- so she panicked further. She had a whistle in her pocket and tried to blow it to get her mother's attention, but her mother was downstairs and couldn't hear her through the walls, the hamper and the dirty clothing, so she stayed there for an hour until she realized that she could rock the hamper until it fell over.

She related this story to my daughter the next day, who (unsurprisingly) was remarkably unsympathetic. And now the girl has a rather unwanted level of fame in her school...

Then again, she's also the girl who claims that elephants come from eggs that they keep behind their ears.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 20 Dec 2007, 20:05, 2 replies)

Oh, one more I just remembered: Human Slinky.
When I was about four or five, I lived in a developing part of my town. There weren't any kids my age living around me, so I spent most of my time reading an imaginative comic called Calvin and Hobbes.

I came across this comic that pictured Calvin as a "human slinky" as he fell down a flight of stairs.

I guess I wanted to experience an activity like this first-hand, so I threw myself down the stairs leading to the basement of my house.

I didn't trip down them, or stage it as an accident. I literally threw myself down.

The best part is, I remember thinking "...actually, that wasn't that bad, but I should've got more momentum".



My parents still don't believe I did it willingly.
(???????????????, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 20:04, 1 reply)

More diving tales
It's October 2001, and I'm in Thailand with the ex. Phuket, to be precise, part of a 3 week tour of the far east.

Having booked a day's scuba diving, an early-ish night is on the cards, as the dive company are picking me up at 7am. So we decide to have a romantic meal at the hotel and retire early.

"Ooh, that sounds nice, I'll have that" says I, and orders what sounded like heaven. Baked sea-bass, done with ginger, lime and garlic.

And, it transpired, chili, which wasn't mentioned on the menu. It was so fucking hot it stripped the skin from my lips. Hmm. Scuba diving in sea water, with no skin on my lips. A little like a sub-aqua Mason Verger, if you like.

That wasn't the worst of my problems though. As is sometimes the case when I have spicy food (which I do love), the next morning my stomach was doubled up with cramps and the first thing I have to do is go and lose a bit of weight. Fine and dandy, I thought.

Oh no. This continued on the dive boat, with its primitive toilet facilities - a very basic toilet with a pump action flush mechanism. Trying to get rid of what seemed like several tons of barely-reconstituted sea bass was no easy task, but somehow I managed.

And then came the dive. So there I am, with salt water stinging my lips in the Andaman Sea, with 20 metres of water above me compressing my insides to buggery, and still with what felt like a whole fucking fish working it's way remorslesley through my intestinal tract. Having a piss in a wetsuit is one thing, this was an entirely different ball game...

I don't eat spicy food before a dive now. Lesson learned.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 20 Dec 2007, 19:55, 6 replies)

Commitment.
I've been very blase about my relationships with both of the girls I've ever loved.

I lost both of them.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 19:49, 1 reply)

Fire
One bonfire night a few years ago the fire was dying down and i desperately raked for things in the house which could be used to fuel the fire.

i stubled upon a bunch of those paint tins you got with airfix models, you know the little metal ones with the metal pop-off lid.

I dumped about 10 of them into the fire and watched.

Then they started to explode, the lids would pop off sending the metal tubs, red-hot, flying through the air like rockets.

It was fairly spectacular until one of them fired out and rocketed directly into my bollocks with surprising force, leaving me on my knees in pain and covered in metallic paint.
(Pimp my Clown is going back to the future on, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 19:44, Reply)

Thomas the Twonk Engine
Aged 10 I was given a train-set by an elderly neighbour as a gift. More used to the speeds seen in Scalextric, I was a bit disappointed by the much more sedate Hornby layout. Figuring that 240v must be much better than 12v, I decided the way to spice things up was to directly wire the rails to the mains.

While putting my plan into practice I realised that my hyper-train would probably fly off the rails with its great speed, so I assembled the track into as straight a line as I could for the initial speed test. My one, very real, fear was that the train might make a hole in the far wall with it's enormous speed.

The track was duly set up, wired directly to the mains and a cushion placed at the far end of the track. All was ready! I flipped the power on at the mains plug and watched in amazement as my train went absolutely nowhere at high speed. Not a millimetre!

As I studied the train closely to see what was wrong I realised there was a rather odd burning smell, and before my eyes the train proceeded to melt, before making a helluva bang that put me on my arse. Not knowing the difference between AC and DC I'd managed to weld a rather rare Hornby train and track together forever, and got a right smack up the head from my dad for it. On the bright side, I didn't touch the rails and am still here to tell the tale.
(The Axeman, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 19:42, 2 replies)

Done today!


Whoops!
( Random Image Yes, yes, I'll speak to you on Monday, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 19:42, Reply)

Signed up to Virgin Media
Oh Woe is me.
( Chilli Heatwave ,shit, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 19:42, 2 replies)