That "best of luck"
guy may be the same one who hangs out in the 24hour Budgens in East Finchley. He shouts it when he leaves the shop.
( corington, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 13:18, Reply)

More wolves nutters
Rob is also forgetting the man who used to dress up as a cowboy and wander round the high street (for a while i thought he did children's parties, but no, he just likes dressing as a cowboy)

And the small man who wore a suit and a sandwich board declaring 'jesus is lord' and would walk into shops, do a circuit, and leave.

I later found out the cowboy used to be a carpet fitter and the small man used to beat his wife.
(wattoo, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 13:16, Reply)

Lewisham...
There are two nutters in Lewisham who roam near where I work.

One walks around all day in the shopping centre with a small 70's style transistor radio on his shoulder singing loudly to himself (and anyone around him) - the mad thing is the back of the radio has the battery cover missing and there are never any batteries in it so its silent!!!! (WTF??)

There is another guy who walks around the same shopping centre talking to himself at various volume levels. The volume can then suddenly change from average to very loud and he is often heard saying things like 'THATS A REAL FUCKING GOD THAT IS' and then 'GERMANY GERMANY GERMANY' very loudly!!! Mad!!!
(hoathenfold, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 13:15, Reply)

Most of my local ones are now dead or have been thrown out of the town:
In Dingwall they used to be:

Red Peter (Dead): An smelly alchololic with a red face who used to sit in a bus stop all day, he always wore the same clothes but legen has it that he was a millionaired . Not really a nutter but a local celebrity.

Eccy Weapons: Got thrown out of the town for shagging a sheep.

Tommy the Horse (dead): A smelly alchololic, he could be quite aggressive, he would always ask how your father was and then ask you for money, he got thrown out of the town for trying to shag a sheep.

The man who would try to shoot aeroplanes with his walking stick. (dead)

Les Crow, who would make crow noises and argue with himself and burst into laughter for no reason(dead)

and many many more but I can't remember most of them at the moment
( The Duke of Prunes, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 13:15, Reply)

Cambridge - Mill Road
I think this is a breeding ground for nutters. I used to live on this road until I recently finished uni.

Where to start...
There's this guy who is awfully eccentric. He'd merrily walk, correction - skip wherever he went having full on conversations with whoever was in his mind that day. Though he was clearly mad, he possed some amazing dexterity. He would often twirl on the spot as he happily trotted down this road, and on one occasion, at the climax of his twirl, his sandle flew off his foot. But within two steps he had skillfully scooped this sandle into the air with his barefoot and then with amazing precision, slipped his foot back in whilst in motion. All this in one swift move. I wanted to applaud him.

I would also often catch him walking through my uni holding onto a leather document holder. I often wondered if he taught there, it wouldn't in the least bit surprise me.

----------------------------------------

If you've ever been to Cambridge, you'll understand when I say the place is FULL of tramps. There used to be this guy who had lost a leg... probably fighting over some bread with the pidgeons. He managed to get a synthetic leg and a walking stick to aid him. From that moment on, he would use these implements to aid him in getting more money. By getting the sympathy vote? Oh no, he would start limping at you whilst banging his leg with his walking stick making this terrible racket, as he did this he would unleash this god awful war-cry in a bid to intimidate the money out of you.

----------------------------------------

An old man used to sit on the low walls in front of the houses on Tenison Road (just off Mill Road). He was very smartly dressed and looked rather trim. All he would do all day is sit on said walls drinking some special brew and every so often burst into hysterical laughter for about 30 seconds, and then as suddenly as it started, he would stop, and continue to drink his beer.

----------------------------------------

There are many more, and I shall post them when I have a little more time. Duty beckons.
(bunny_333, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 13:14, Reply)

The Mad Monk and Crazy Ken
There's a bloke that wanders around Bradford and the surrounding area wearing nothing but a robe and sandals, regardless of the weather or the time of year. He smiles at everybody and waves at buses. Rumour has it he lives in a cave somewhere near Shipley. My Mum says he was wandering around when she was growing up there over 30 years ago.

When I lived in Bishop's Stortford there was a guy we called Crazy Ken. He'd shout and swear at passing cars and he always carried a 2 litre bottle of Sainsbury's lemonade. Everyone used to cross the road when they saw hime coming. My mate once dared me to whistle at him, which of course I did, and he chased us down the road. We only narrowly escaped by clambering over a fence and hiding in some bushes. Good old days!!!
(Yorkie, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 13:06, Reply)

Bedford
In the hole that is Bedford we have a man commonly known as Mad Ricky. He will ALWAYS ask you for change and if you're lucky he will try and sell you something stolen or fake aftershave.
He also has schizophrenic tourettes. So he argues with himself randomly and very loudly.
He scares me.
(henry's cat is yellow on, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 13:05, Reply)

The guy who worked at Plymouth uni
He went everywhere barefoot. no shoes, no socks. He wore toerings too. I think he conceded to opentoe sandals once in bad weather :o)

Also, when I caught the bus to uni each day, there was a guy who was a bit away with the fairies. He'd spend every bus journey holding whispered conversations with himself. Alarmingly, he often chose to sit next to me, I think he was my stalker for a while. He couldn't stand still at the busstop either, he'd just pace up and down endlessly, muttering to himself as he went!
( notshiny, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:58, Reply)

Coventry - Hope & Anchor Pub
There used to be a guy who'd turn up every night wearing a blue anorak with the hood up and tied very tightly around his face, carrying a plastic bag. He also had incredibly long - and dirty fingernails that curled round his fingers.
He'd order a pint of mild and then stand in front of a mirror talking to himself, rocking back and forth all night, occasionally taking a sip of his beer.
( ashurek, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:58, Reply)

ooh ooh another one
After moving from Northolt, and away from the Mongy Milgies (see last urgle-splurgle post on page 2) I lived in Hayes Middx for a while. There was a bloke, who to all intents and purposes, was handicapped (paraplegic). He had a wheelchair that was propelled by two great big lever things, rather than just spinning the wheels in an Ironsides fashion, he would pump the handles. Alright so far, nothing wrong with having a physical disability, however he was frequently spotted getting up out of his chair and walking normally. Worse still was the fact that he used to wheel his wheelchair, not on the pavement, but down the middle of the road on the white lines. Even on the very busy A312 which runs from Northolt to Heathrow.. sheesh!! what a fucknugget
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:55, Reply)

On Canterbury High Street
you will find "the music man" - an old tramp who has somehow managed to acquire a keyboard. Not that he can play it, though. He simply sits there with the demo track going, occasionally bashing the keys randomly and singing about something or other. He's also got a cool hat.

Then there's the guy who pisses in the bins at the bus station....
( Chrico is a bounder and a cad, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:53, Reply)

He wasn't local but...
On a trip down to Brighton for my brothers job interview we were walking down the opposite side of the road along the sea front, if you get me, and the people we were walking behind parted to show some strange gentleman who was quite clearly pepped full of drugs and begging for change. To say that the sight scared me would be putting it lightly. It was quite possibly the scariest sight I have ever seen. Luckily his attention changed when he saw two women walk past and he staggered after them shouting "Ladies, can you spare and change?." His face was a mix between someone who had just woken up, a Joey Deacon and a drug addict. Scary indeed.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:52, Reply)

I'll never be bad again.......
When I was in my teens a friend and I used to spend many dull hours in the the only telephone box in the village making crank calls. The telephone box was directly outside the resident village nutter's house so this was double th fun. On one occasion my friend and I were busily winding up some poor dear when I kepy hearing this 'tink tink' noise. After a few moments I turned round to find the village nutcase tapping on the glass of the telephone box with an axe, completely naked apart from a huge line of dribble running down the front of his face and onto his 'bits and pieces'. The quandry of bursting out and making a run for it or staying put and ringing the police was a tough one.......
(Loving Vixen, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:50, Reply)

I work with one
...everyone knows her as "Bag Lady" due to all the shopping bags she brings into work with her, but I think she may be called Susan.

She's about 4ft tall with glasses that are WAY too big for her face, she arrives at work in an oversized coat and multicoloured patchwork hat and only wears tracksuit trousers and cardigans at her desk in an office where everyone else has to wear suits (the bosses are too afraid to say anything to her!?)

She talks to herself.. and the coffee machine constantly, takes her own towel into the toilets with her and runs screaming from the office with her fingers in her ears everytime the fire alarm is tested on Monday mornings.

Absolute loon!
( ashurek, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:49, Reply)

San Diego
There used to be (indeed, could still be) a skinny oldish guy who dressed up as Wonderwoman and roller-bladed around Pacific Beach, waving at people. It was only when you got closer that you realised how much was body-paint (happily he would at least wear a small thong).
( valley, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:48, Reply)

Sutton Park's own Bigfoot.
There's a large expanse of parkland in Sutton Coldfield and it is reputed to be the home of a wildman who has been nicknamed 'Barkfoot', not only as a hilarious pun on 'Bigfoot' but more accurately because he is known to sport curious shoes made of bark (and also, depending on who you speak to, his bark-related attire may also extend to a jaunty cowboy hat) along with other clothes made of twine and rushes.

If that is not odd enough he is reputed to have a love of sausages, and most encounters involving members of the public and Barkfoot feature snorkers somewhere along the line.

The local paper regularly features all the latest Barkfoot related news, including an interview with someone who claimed to have actually SPOKEN to him, (during which conversation Barkfoot revealed that before adopting the lifestyle of a bark-wearing Grizzly Adams type character, he was infact gainfully employed as a bottle-opener designer in Hemel Hempstead) and also a report about a renegade gang of girls who roam the park hoping to the be the first to bed the Barkfoot.
( propellerhed, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:48, Reply)

Dorset performs admirably for the nutters compendium
A personal favourite is Miss Stafford, a 6ft 3 genuine bearded lady. She's definitely not post op or anything; she just has a beard fuller than mine will ever be and smells like a landfill site.

One other worth mentioning is the delightful gentleman who is bald but insists on painting hair on his head in pitch black paint: wonderful sight in the rain. Becomes particularly disturbed by the phrase "The Russians are coming."
( timothycrippins, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:47, Reply)

Another Dartford nutjob
A bloke we called Catweazle, he looks like he never washes (ever), has wild manky long hair and matching beard and rides around town on a toddlers size bicycle. Still see him around every now and then...
(Shevek, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:46, Reply)

Barney
Mentally defective ex-employee of the supermarket I used to work at. If he saw you around town he would latch on for hours, which was annoying, but as he wasn't allowed alcohol he made a good free taxi, although probably much more dangerous than actually driving yourself home drunk - I remember one of his games was to switch his headlights off, then drive until nearly reaching an oncoming vehicle before switching them back on again at the last second, completely shitting-up the driver of the other car...
(Spuggets, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:44, Reply)

Dartford
has had it's full share of weirdo tramps, Monkey Allen being the nicest and most liked. Unfortunately he was burnt alive on a Central Park bench by some twunts a couple of years ago (you may have seen it in the news).

Nutter-wise the best tramp was a guy we called Mad Kev. He started off living in a flat on the development my mates and I lived on. He was a nice bloke but then the demon White Lightening took him and turned him into a raving looney. So many things to remember but the funniest was when we wound him up a bit (weekday evenings were pretty boring!) and he decided to chase us around central Dartford. Waving 6 feet of 2" metal chain around his head. Wearing nothing but a skanky old pair of y-fronts.
(Shevek, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:42, Reply)

Suburbs = Nutter Hives
Now, there may be a medical reason for this chap's behaviour, so i may go to hell for poking fun at him here.
A portly bald chap wot stinks of aftershave. were it not for the smirk, he would be a well scary old school chelsea hooligan, but he's not.
He always wears a tight black t-shirt and black jean shorts to just above his kneecaps, football socks to just below his kneecaps, and smart black shoes, so you get these kneecaps flashing at you.
He'll be walking along at a reasonable pace, stop suddenly, bend over and rub his calves really fast as if trying to get rid of a cramp or something, and this makes a loud slapping noise. I don't know how he does this, try it! it fucking difficult!
Anyway, this happens for a minute or so, he gets up looking like he's just had a pleasant wank, and continues his journey looking pleased with himself.
Does this deserve to be here?
( fridge_magnet, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:41, Reply)

One for the cat walk
Haven't seen this chap in a while, but I have never seen him in anything else except this following outfit description...

A boller hat. A dark green wooly jumper. VERY tight leather hot pants. Huge leather gloves. Dark blue socks up to his knees and black army boots. And to accompany all this, a dainty black handbag held by his monsturous hand.

Kept himself to himself really, never heard him speak a word... but you could spot this fellow a mile off.
(bunny_333, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:40, Reply)

Weston-Super-Mare
there used to be a middle aged bloke who could often be spotted on the high street. He was known as "The Jump Guy" as if you stood behind him and said 'Jump.' he would. Everytime. You didn't even have to say it loudly ...

Proper care in the community he was ...
( spiny - things are looking up, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:39, Reply)

In Winchester we have the original Foul Ol' Ron from the Terry Pratchett books
In some ways Ron is a celebrity tramp. His voice sounds like a saw blade being tortured. It rings through the streets and people turn to eachother and say 'I can hear him but I can't see him'.

Around the corner they find him pushing a puchchair with a plastic bag on it. The bag has second hand clothes in it that he gives to women in pubs. He gave a bra once to an ex-girlfriend of mine. She was very scared because it was the right size. There's more going on in that head than meets the eye.

He doesn't smell, which singles him out, and while he does creep people out sometimes he does actually know when to leave people alone.

He goes to the same pub almost every night but never buys a drink. There are rumours that the staff are not allowed to serve him, but I've never seen him ask either. You can tell when he has come into the pub because there is a huge belch and the saw-blade voice declaring 'Never fear, Ron is here'.

He sits by the fire and smokes cheap cigars. Occasionally he wanders around the pub telling people that it's 'Nearly Christmas!', usually this happens in July. He also likes telling people what he's going to have for his supper, which is often kippers and boiled potatoes.

Sometimes you'll find him dozing on the high street, where sleep has overcome him and so he's resting in the child's pushchair.

He used to be a boxer, and he has the looks for it. He retired about two years ago after having spent the previous 32 years unemployed and unemployable. He seems rather proud of this.

For all his strange habits, he's really rather lovable after a while. Walking out of the train station one day after a long journey I heard his voice echoing on the wind and I knew that I was home.
( Matazone has new icons, but is keeping this one, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:38, Reply)

Twizz Twangle
I haven't had the joy of experiencing Twizz Twangle in person, but I've heard stories. He's a local musician, the local indie record shop sell his cds (all 7 albums... yes, 7 albums... made within a couple of years, I think). The music is quite frankly diabolical, but he gets gigs in pubs and stuff. I don't think they know at the time that he'll come on stage with lederhosen, no shirt and a mask, screaming wildly over the band.
(Mystery Woo Yay Boy, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:37, Reply)

mentalists
I was brought up in Northolt, West London, and we had a couple of brothers, whose family name was Milgate or something like that. They were both a little bit mental and did all the standard stuff like sitting on the lower deck of a double decker and pretending to drive it (full hand signals and gear changes etc..) The thing they had in common (apart from the obvious lunacy) was their very strange gait, they would walk everywhere with extremely long strides that couldn't have been in anyway easy or comfortable. Maybe it was them avoiding cracks in the pavement or somesuch weirdity. Oh yeah, they were known throughout the youthdom of the vilage as the "Mongy Milgies".
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:35, Reply)

Another Camden one... start counting
It was after a particularly heavy night on the ginger ale that I first met the mad Parkway rapper. We were sitting outside a pub enjoying the sunshine when he came up to entertain us. He's an oldish homeless guy who walks around with a mini amp and a microphone strapped to his head, a la Britney. he talks/raps his dirge about being homeless on Parkway until either given cash, a fag, or told to bugger off by the pub staff. He entertained us so much we all joined in and had about four rousing choruses until we got barred from the pub as well :( Watch out for him - he da man :D
( Dekazer, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:34, Reply)

Frankkie the alternative major of kendal
This guy was so good someone wrote a book about him. Right his greatest moment
Frankie is outside Barkleys bank in Kendal and is watching the securicore van unloading this goes, man hits side of van, bag of money comes out, man walks off. So, frankie hits side of van, bag of money comes out, frankie runns like fuck, frankie is found half an hour latter in the bus station with a 2/3rds drunk bottle of cider and £9,998
When the queen came to visit the police used to give him a free all expensis (£2 bottle of cider) paid trip to morecambe.
He used to buy me pic and mix as well and didn't even want me to hold his willy in return. Top tramp
( Vultan the real one I threw my little yellow shoe, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:33, Reply)

Sooo many
My mum used to have a coffee shop which I would help in on holidays and the like. One customer would come in, sit in the corner and tweet away to herself, every so often saying "ooh, hear the little birdy!" (Occasionally she would make miaow noises and say "ooh here comes the cat!")

another used to come in who would open a Safeway bag and bring out a pound of cheese and munch his way through it over a cuppa.

In my crappy weekend job in another coffee shop we used to have a guy that came in. Wore a bright rainjacket, baseball cap, cravatte and many badges proclaiming his love for Jesus. He would always compliment the staff that were working, calling my mate Georgre a "very pretty boy". One day he then asked me if I would fly his plane for him. He stopped coming in a few weeks later
( Fudgebags will wear you like a glove, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:31, Reply)

Nottingham used to have
a stick-thin Indian guy who went around wearing the smallest T-shirt you could imagine and the largest trousers, chanting the mantra, "These aren't my trousers" to anyone who would listen.
( giant_squid, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 12:30, Reply)