So it is my daughter's first birthday in a few weeks time. What's the best present (other than adoption) that I could give her?
Alt: do you ever claim things on expenses at work? If so what's the dodgiest thing you've ever been able to claim for?

AltAlt: Eric Sykes; genius or useless?


EDIT: I appear to have a candle. This isn't truly accurate - I had a previous account for a few years before my EPIC* flounce.


*may not have been epic
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 8:05, 117 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

THUNDERCUNT DEMANDS THAT YOU MORTALS AMUSE HIM.
DANCE FOR ME! EARN MY LOVE.

evenin' all, chat?
(ThunderCuntThePendejo officially less shit than NakedApe, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 20:14, 272 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Tonight I am making pizzas from scratch
What are you doing?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 18:08, 99 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

lol 4 threads will start now
This is all going very well, don't you think?

Alt: Is there anybody there?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 16:06, 80 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

lol 5 threads will start now
who do you really want to be making the sexy tiems with? An 8 on your finger scale, for example.

Alt: Best cheese for cheese on toast and is sauce required?

Altalt: Pubic hair. Wild and lonely or swimmer sleek?
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 15:50, 45 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

lol 6 threads will start now.
So who do you all bank with?
(PsychoChomp, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 15:48, 12 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

So anyway...
Sausages, yeah?

Alt: Ever seen Shogun? I'm telling you what, it's fucking excellent. It's aged very well indeed, esp for a tv series from 1980.

Altalt: 'Member 1980?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 13:40, 76 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

SMEG!
I declare the sausage-fest OVER!

Do you take steps to protect the real you online? Some of you lot are wide open and there are types in this world that would exploit that.

Alt: Are you any good at flirting? Do you do it without knowing and act all shocked and shit when your missus gives you that look at the supermarket checkout?

Altalt: I dunno, you folks seem to like food so what is the best use of chicken?
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 12:42, 99 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

What's the best kind of sausage? Cumberland, lincoln, Chorizio?
alt: The French are great, discuss.

altalt: You're walking through a forest and come to a clearing, it's dark with a dank mist hanging in the air. Your eyes adjust and you see a figure crouched over a body, it's hairy back drenched in sweat and blood. The creature looks up at you and you realise it's Jeff, his cock quivering and erect like a recently landed javlin but with jizz all over it. His eyes glint in the darkness as he looks up at you, his muscles tense, he does a another little jizz...what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 11:36, 119 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Gaylords.
So, it’s Independence Day in the good old You Ess Eh.

I like America, I like Americans on the whole, and their contribution to the world has been outstanding in many areas, from science to music and beyond. But they’ve also done some rather suspect things, haven’t they?

Overall, though I am a fan. Are you? If not, why not?

Alt: do shut up, there’s a dear.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 10:13, 168 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Oh no, the night time thread was just deleted.
It was really good too.

Anyway, Bankers, what a bunch of whining cunts. Tell us about the last time you were sacked for being a cunt.

Alt: Spread peace and love to the internet.

Edit: don't answer this, answer the thread below. Battered has threatened to kneecap me if I don't comply with his wishes.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 8:15, 8 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

So why did that thread get deleted?
FFS.

What's up today then shitfucks?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 8:11, 209 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

How the bollocks can this be summer?
alt: I haven;t been camping yet this year which sucks, what haven't you done this year that you normally would have by now?

alt alt: I met some people off of the internet today who weren't B3tans, is that cheating?
(ThunderCuntThePendejo officially less shit than NakedApe, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 20:32, 299 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

DID YOU KNOW
In North Vietnam, they have four seasons, as we do here. In South Vietnam, they have only two; "Sunny" and "Rainy". Or, to tourists, "Fucking hot" and "Slightly less fucking hot with occasional thunderstorms".

I believe that in this country we actually only have two seasons, "Shite" which runs October to April and "Mostly shite with one or two days a month of sun". What would you change about British traditions?

Alt: b3tan snog, marry, kill
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 16:52, 203 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

GOOD AFTERNOON
This lunchtime I went for a jog through the fair city that is London, and while I was doing this I was gazing at the architecture - old and new - and got to thinking how handsome this city is.

Then I saw a man freely urinating off a bridge in to the river which rather spoiled my nice feeling.

What things have yu seen that have ruined where you live?

(I appreciate that if you are from Birmingham, Wolverhampton, Macclesfield, Sheffield, Glasgow, Basildon, Yeovil, March, Abercynon or Nottingham you won't be able to answer this question. You have my sympathy)

Alt: Two fingers or a whole thumb?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 15:30, 227 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Is Facebook shit? Are other social networks shit?
Alt what's the best piece of junk mail or spam you've received? Hotslut26 has sent me a an email asking me to chat. I'm tempted.

Altalt: what's a better question than either of these?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 13:23, 180 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

what's the best thing you ever had, like ever?
Alt: If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be?

Altalt: *sigh* what the fuck are you shoving down your throat for lunch today? (for darth, it'll be cock LOL)
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 11:40, 151 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

you're all so mean and bitter these days, lets all have a snugglewuggle.
pick someone and say something nice about them.
I like monty because he's poor and poor people are always willing to give you their last jaffa cake.

Alt: if you could meet a b3tan you've never met who would it be and what would you say to them?

Altalt: why do some stupid pricks insist that a jaffa cake is a biscuit? clue's in the name, numbnuts!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 9:47, 269 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

QUOTES.
I have a theory that all quotes are either Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde or Winston Churchill. It's perhaps not the soundest of my theories, but there you go.

Just to immediately undermine this theory, my brother has got me onto a great new character called Carl Panzram. He's excellent, look him up. He's not just a 'doer' either, but a source of some absolutely hilarious quotes. My favourite so far is:

'I have no desire whatever to reform myself. My only desire is to reform people who try to reform me, and I believe the only way to reform people is to kill 'em. My motto is: Rob 'em all, rape 'em all, and kill 'em all.'

Do you have a favourite quote or indeed several? In which case what are they, and what appeals to you about it/them?

Alt: "I wish you all had one neck and I had my hands on it." Bit more Panzram for you there.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 8:29, 129 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

So at the risk of looking like "RINGOFYRE MAKES ME MOIST"
How the fugguddery do I found out how many people have me on ignore.
Inquiring minds want to know!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 3 Jul 2012, 7:29, 21 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

On a scale of 1 to 'OMG THAT'S VILE!'
how bad it using cumin instead of cinnamon?

alt: what skill are you terrible at?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 18:25, 224 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

when's the last time you did something dangerous?
This thread brought to you by a Lady GaGa song
Alt favorite pop act?
Alt alt too good for pop? Give us a fact.
Monocled cobras venom first causes your diaphragm to shut down, and then you die :)
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 18:24, 10 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Someone has written something so rude in that last thread that nit is now blocked by our firewall
I'll just chill up here by myself....

What are the chances of me getting my new router to work this evening? I'm guessing slim to none. What are you useless at?

alt: what are you unusually good at?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 16:44, 94 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

i can't wait to get home tonight and sleep in my own bed
what can't you wait for?

alt How many parents you got? reply to the appropriate post in this thread so we know who is in which group
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 16:13, 150 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

How eligible to live in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Island (inc the Channel Islands) are you?
www.guardian.co.uk/uk/blog/quiz/2011/oct/11/uk-citizenship-test-quiz?fb=native
Why shouldn't we send you back to where you come from, you filthy foreigner?

Alt: Apparently the wolf whistle is on the decline, as builders are too afraid of being hit with a lawsuit for sexism or some nonsense. POLITCAL CORRECTNESS GORN MAD!!!
What behaviour, now considered unacceptable would you like to see returned?

EDITED TO HELP ANY SCOTS READING WHO ARE UNSURE WHERE THEY ARE FROM.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 14:48, 298 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Good afternoon you lumbering lounge of lardy layabouts
I am making a weekly meal plan to save money and be a bit healthier. Tell OT about your money saving tips.

Alt: Tell OT about your ridiculous profligacy

altalt: lunch, of course
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 13:23, 220 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

How was everyones weekend?
Mine was great, there were lots of Canadians around on sunday, but it was Canada day, and I was at a pub on the same street as "the maple leaf" so I think that can explain it.

Who wants to listen to Naked Ape moan like a bitch?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 11:56, 95 replies, latest was 12 years ago)