Good morning shitcunts.
Did you have a good weekend?

Alt: make up your own.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:19, 99 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

What ho Batty.
Good ta and away on hols for the next one.
Edit: Oh yer and our swallows returned from Africa yesterday morning. Always a happy time.

Bonding much?
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:26, Reply)

Hello.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:27, Reply)

yes
it included drinks and dinner at the savoy, random last orders drinks for a few hours with stunned who joined my friend's birthday party, stand-up comedy with frog when we got stuck on the front row and then mocked, and a long sunday pub lunch in the sunshine.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:30, Reply)

Very nice. I had micro for the weekend.
We were due to see my parents on Saturday but my mother has got pleurisy so had to postpone. We did an easter egg hunt at a petting farm, painted eggs at home & went to the Diana Memorial play garden at Hyde Park which was excellent.

I then got pissed last night & had an indifferent chinese takeaway.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:34, Reply)

nice work, i bet she loved the petting farm
chinese = worst of all teh foods. this was where you went wrong.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:36, Reply)

Peking duck pancakes are gods own food when done well

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:39, Reply)

DUCKS ARE TOO CUTE TO EAT
LAW
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:41, Reply)

YAAFI.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:44, Reply)

they are murderous, necrophiliac rapists

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:50, Reply)

you're thinking about badger's strum fantasy about the mallard bummage

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:08, Reply)

We've been a few times - this one has falconry, shire horses etc. as well as the usual sheep & goats. Also got mini JCB's for racing, tree houses & stuff so you can spend hours there without kids getting bored.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:40, Reply)

Thats a wide but unusual selection for a chinese.

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:47, Reply)

mini JCBs with pineapple is lovely.

( Kroney, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:14, Reply)

I planted out more of my veggie plot, went to see a children's show called Marty mcdonalds farm, went swimming with mini ape
Had a nap, drank beer, ate burnt sausages, saw some horses, read my book and made some bread
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:38, Reply)

What book are you reading?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:40, Reply)

Dominion, it's a bit rubbish but I hate not finishing things
www.amazon.co.uk/Dominion-C-J-Sansom/dp/0330511033
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:41, Reply)

I've read that. It was a bit meh.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:42, Reply)

Yeah i know, it's just a bit...watery adn by the numbers

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:43, Reply)

why was mini ape having a tantrum?
we saw my friend's little girl yesterday. she's the most stupidly beautiful kid, they could retire if they pimped her out for modelling. lovely sweet child, and she still had tantrums about: going to bed, getting up again, the cat running away from her, the other cat not running away from her, the doggie in the pub being more interested in someone's steak than her clutching sticky fingers and not being allowed to run in the middle of the road.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:41, Reply)

All kids have tantrums.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:42, Reply)

yes. that was why i asked about mini ape's, in the hope that i could mock him

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:42, Reply)

I don't remember saying she had had a tantrum...
I mean she did and does, this morning she wanted to wear a tutu but wasn't allowed
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:43, Reply)

i can't believe you won't share your clothes with her

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:45, Reply)

I'm not battered, my clothes don't fit a 2 year old
actually she'll be 3 fiarly soon
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:46, Reply)

you wait til she's 15 and her 13 year old sister nicks her clothes
then you'll know what a tantrum really sounds like
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:58, Reply)

2 year old have tantrums, they aren't yet in control of their emotions. Simple as that

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:42, Reply)

I had to put micro on the naughty step twice this weekend. I hate having to do it, but it's the right thing to do sometimes.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:43, Reply)

ha, I locked mini ape in a changing room at the swimming pool as a naughty step 4 times in a row
in the end I carried her out wearing nothing but a t shirt.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:44, Reply)

She came out with some cracking comments this weekend:
'you're an old man daddy'
'I'll do it in two minutes' (complete with a 'talk to the hand' gesture)
'THAT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL'
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:47, Reply)

my recent favourite
'I have a small bum, mummy has BIG bum'

did not go down well
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:48, Reply)

hahaha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:49, Reply)

i'm looking forward to seeing my brother's 3 over easter weekend
although i have bribed them to love me too much, and now the constant fights about who gets to sit next to me are exhausting. inevitably i end up with one on each side and the 4 year old on my knee.

and given the enormous fart that blew out of her bum-oley over christmas (she was mortified when we all laughed and ran upstairs sobbing) it's not as cute as it sounds.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:58, Reply)

Did you have to get a stepladder out to do it?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:07, Reply)

i have no idea why you think this is confined to 2 year olds
have you never seen football fans, for example?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:44, Reply)

modelling Bartleby
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 11:13, Reply)

I had sausage and chips because there was no mash, and rib eye steak because there was no surf 'n' turf.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:46, Reply)

Oh Man
Sad Times
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:48, Reply)

I know, I'll be okay though.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:51, Reply)

I'm here for you at this difficult time.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:49, Reply)

This sort of thing wouldn't happen at The Savoy, but that's the one bit of my weekend that wasn't the same as Swipes.
I substituted that for an evening of booze at a shit pub in a grim seaside town.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:50, Reply)

Is she ashamed of you or something?
I'd like to hear some stories of the two of you going to some nice places. Heartwarming, that'd be.
( Kroney, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:52, Reply)

Oh, probably.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:58, Reply)

Morning Batts
No kids this weekend so spent Friday night and most of Saturday planting up my allotment. Was praying for the rain to hold off while I worked, which it did, but now I'm done I need it to rain as the tap down at the allotment is fecked. Only glorious sunshine so far.

Spent yesterday undercoating woodwork. Went to bed early with a crappy headache. Feeling much better today thankfully.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:46, Reply)

gonna be sunny all week and then rina for Easter weekeend

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:47, Reply)

Is that your Estonian nanny?

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:48, Reply)

Feck
Well the allotment is a 10 minute walk from the house and I don't have a hosepipe that long.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:01, Reply)

I'm looking forward to being in one place long enough to grow things again.

( Kroney, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:13, Reply)

is this in reference to when you had a 52 hour gaming marathon and had mushrooms growing out of your butt crack by the end

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:21, Reply)

When I said "grow things" I meant bed sores.

( Kroney, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:23, Reply)

well this answers the question of, who the fuck is sad enough to have an allotment
so ta for that
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:09, Reply)

What on earth are you blithering on about?
/ac
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:12, Reply)

whenever i'm on a train and it goes past allotments, i always wonder who the hell has one
now i know. you do!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:13, Reply)

Do I? Oh my goodness, so I do!
And what of it? Home grown veg - tastes better than shop-bought, costs feck all, good exercise - I'm struggling to see the downside here.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:16, Reply)

if you were blindfolded and your kids' lives depended on it
i bet you couldn't taste the difference between your courgettes and the ones from waitrose
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:17, Reply)

You have a thing about my kids being placed under the threat of imminent death, don't you?
On Friday you were going to drown them - despite the fact that both of them are probably bigger than you.

Well as it goes I'm not planting courgettes, but let's say for the sake of argument carrots. A carrot can be picked out of the ground, cooked and on my plate in less than an hour. Are you seriously saying that a carrot that was picked probably a week ago, been lobbed around the back of a lorry, and sitting on a shelf in Waitrose is going to taste as good?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:27, Reply)

oh yeah, i forgot about drowning them
i knew i forgot to do something this weekend.

i still doubt you'd taste the difference once it had been peeled and smothered in salad dressing or boiled to death.

OR with the carrots.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:33, Reply)

Salad dressing or boiled to death?
Is that your cooking technique? Fucksake Swipey you're more of a foodwrong than I thought.

Lightly steamed love. Make a note. Jesus.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:39, Reply)

I had a weekend without any bawling, tantruming kids in it, so it was great!
Curry with the missus and parents on Friday night, Saturday morning worked on the car, Saturday afternoon went for a drive, Sunday the missus had to go to a baby shower for her sister. Nasty Americanised things. I got to go home and play video games until she got home. Win!
( Kroney, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:46, Reply)

the first warm and sunny day of the year and you stay in side playing computer games? for shame

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:49, Reply)

It burrnnsssss ussss
Besides, I'm lovely and tanned from Marseilles. I wouldn't want to hog all of the sunshine. If I soak some up, that leaves less for other people.

In any case, weather does not carry any behavioural obligations.
( Kroney, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 9:52, Reply)

Did your folks give you a beating then?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:09, Reply)

mother has got pleurisy so had to postpone

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:10, Reply)

Is that one of them pus-filled eyeball thingies?
They're well sexy.
( Kroney, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:14, Reply)

I filled his mum's eyeball with my 'pus' last night

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:17, Reply)

She said "pleurisy", she meant "the old spunk-eye"
The amount of shots to the face she takes, she ought to be wearing a snorkel.
( Kroney, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:18, Reply)

I was hoovering the bedroom floor and found an earring, so I put it on the wife's dressing table assuming it was hers.
Shes just messaged me a photo of it demanding to know why there is another womans earing in our bedroom. I get the feeling there is no right answer. I honestly have no idea where it came from. Weird.
( Peej, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:14, Reply)

Oh mate, it's going to be the Encyclopaedia Brittanica letters A through H for you.
At least. I wouldn't be surprised if it gets as far as L!
( Kroney, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:15, Reply)

haha

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:18, Reply)

i don't know whether to mock the idea of you hoovering in a pinny or to be sympathetic
maybe tell her it's for your new prince albert?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:16, Reply)

She's gonna throw the book at you when you get home
/ac
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:17, Reply)

tell her you'll discuss it when she has stopped blobbing

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:22, Reply)

Haha this^

( Kroney, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:24, Reply)

Perfect!

( Peej, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:29, Reply)

Why don't you turn the tables and accuse HER of having a woman in your bed?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:30, Reply)

She hasn't yet accused me of having a woman in my bed, but I know thats what she is suggesting
I will throw it right back at her.
( Peej, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:36, Reply)

So why DID you have another woman in your bedroom?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:36, Reply)

My wife doesn't understand me

( Peej, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:36, Reply)

to do the hoovering

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:38, Reply)

So what you're saying is
that you wife thinks that not only are you dumb enough to shag another woman in her, but that you'd also be dumb enough to leave an earring from said other woman lying on her dressing table as a sign?
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:42, Reply)

shes got me bang to rights there

( Peej, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:44, Reply)

What's happened to Rory? Stepped again?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:48, Reply)

who cares?
he'd passed his sell by date.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 10:55, Reply)

Aye, excellent thanks
Met a friend in Manchester for a bit, then ended up going out with another friend in Macc that night, haven't seen either in over a year.

Plus, football woo!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 11:12, Reply)

YOU'VE RU8INED IT WITH YOUR FOOTBALL AND MANCHESTER AND DEAD MUM :(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Apr 2014, 11:37, Reply)