Are you a Spy or having an illicit affair?
Create an email account that you both share and never send emails, just save your message to the Draft Email folder.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 19:24, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

In windy weather like today:
If it's blowing the surface water into waves, throw a rectangle of grey-painted wood into the docks; so the birds can practice carrier landings.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 15:10, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

If it moves and it shouldn't
Shoot it.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:55, Reply)

Make your computer grind to a halt
by loading 68 photos into Photoshop by accident
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Make your partner
more eager to suck you off by holding a knife to her throat.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:43, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Seemingly addicted to wanking?
Demand more blowjobs to get your fix that way.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 12:40, Reply)

If sticking a cocktail stirrer up your urethra for sexual pleasure
I cannot stress this enough, check and double check, it is not actually made of glass.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:43, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Bricks, make ideal replacement eggs
Should you run out when David Cameron happens to have a walk around your town.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:41, Reply)

Prevent kittens from making 'little mistakes' on your carpet
By putting them in a bin bag with one brick per kitten and dropping them in the fucking canal. Simple.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Disappointed that your girlfriend won't give you a blowjob?
Leave her. You're already dead inside.
(MrMustard Shaving in the dark til, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 12:40, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make people think you're a celebrity
by courting press attention with attention-seeking behaviour, and then complaining about the invasion of privacy.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 11:00, Reply)

When purchasing the film 'Up' for a child as a Christmas present
make sure you don't confuse the Disney Pixar CGI film with the Russ Meyer sexploitation film of the same name...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 24 Nov 2011, 7:26, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Avoid being distraught at the press intrusion in to your life
by not loosing your daughter while on holiday
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 21:17, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Lower your carbon footprint
by being careful not to step on any pencils that may be lying on the floor...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 23 Nov 2011, 20:31, Reply)

Enjoy the benifits of a wide and varied circle of friends
by not being a banker
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 22 Nov 2011, 19:29, Reply)

Punch that Russel Kane in his stupid, camp, fairy face.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Nov 2011, 11:30, 6 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Save shit loads of shit
in a big pile next to the television, ready to throw at it every time that Morrison's ad with Freddie Flintoff comes on.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 22 Nov 2011, 10:36, Reply)

save shit loads of money
by not stopping at morrisons and buying there hot bacon meat loaf for just £1.99
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 18:33, Reply)

Pretend you are a Premier League footballer
by drawing all over one of your arms in Biro...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sun 20 Nov 2011, 17:53, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

avoid spending €2.15 on 0.5l Vitalis mineral water at Costa Coffee in Faro airport
by putting €1.20 in the vending machine opposite and getting exactly the same bottle but for €0.95 less.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 19 Nov 2011, 13:26, Reply)

Recreate the spirit of the Tom Hanks film Cast Away
by keeping a photo of Victor Meldrew in your wallet and talking to it occasionally...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 19 Nov 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Gay men avoid deep financial shit
By not paying for over priced male prostitutes
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 19 Nov 2011, 10:54, Reply)

cut out the middle man by putting sweet corn directly in to some elses mouth

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 22:49, Reply)

Save money on sieves
By getting fluffybunnykiller to shit directly into your mouth.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 19:24, Reply)

Save money on sweetcorn
by putting a sieve under fluffybunnyliller's house drainage pipe.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 15:31, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

MEN, remember.
every 21 days, you are wrong for a week. Just accept that.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 15:29, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Disguise your lack of sexual conquests, or indeed any sex at all
by telling people you are celibate, and NOT the fact I'm a (sorry, YOU'RE a) nerd that likes computers a little too much.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 15:27, Reply)

Save money on seat covers and soap and deoderant by eating lots of sweet corn
and shitting it all up your back.
thus negating the need for bobbly seat covers and as no one will want to come near you saving on soap and deodorant aswell
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 17 Nov 2011, 21:20, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Save money on bead seat covers
By smearing your back with glue and then rolling around in a paddling pool full of maltesers.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 17 Nov 2011, 18:28, Reply)

Save money on bead seat covers
by simply glueing marbles to your car seat...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 17 Nov 2011, 15:51, Reply)