Nuff Said
I know of a certain individual who persistently pearoasts their comments about people who post "Nuff said".

Worst possible (potential) mod ever.

And that is quite enough from me.
(bof, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 12:16, 2 replies)

The bods that run B3ta
and allowing the lunatics to ruin the asylum.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 10:43, 12 replies)

Getting glassed
I used to work for a company that made industrial process control equipment. That is, all the instruments and controllers that make oil refineries, chemical processes and other industries work, controlling the temperatures, pressures, sequencing and so on. One particular customer made glass for spectacles. They replaced all the controllers for the glass ovens in a large factory with our kit.

Now, the documentation for the programmable controllers went into some detail about how to set them up to "fail safe". So, for example, if there was a power cut or other major problem, valves would close, fires would go out and so on. But the chief engineer decided that He Knew Better, and tried to set them up to ensure that the production line kept going whatever the circumstances.

And so it came to pass that, late one night, there was a shutdown. Thanks to the "original" way that the engineer had set things up, all the valves in the plant immediately opened. With the result that when the workforce arrived the next day, they found the entire plant ten centimetres deep in solidified glass. Apparently it all had to be chipped out by hand...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 9:30, 2 replies)

I suffer from a dry scalp, bro.
'druff shed.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 8:33, 2 replies)

The worst salesman in the world
I used to work for an outbound call center selling home phone packages and mobile phones. I didn't meet a single target in 8 months. Frankly I judge them for keeping me that long.
(Mong goose, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 7:29, Reply)

Humans
Nuff Said
( Zuowan, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 5:43, 1 reply)

i built a live war simulation game in my outbuildings
nerf shed
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 22:43, 1 reply)

Anyone who says 'nuff said' when posting a QOTW story.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 21:48, 8 replies)

I was working in IT support when a customer called to say his computer wasn't turning on
I asked him what the matter was, and he said nothing he could see. He said the drinks-holder had broken, but he had fixed it, but now the computer wasn't working.
"Drinks-holder?", I asked.
"You know, the plastic drinks-holder that comes out the front when you press the button", he said. "It stopped coming out, so I poured butter into the cracks and pulled it out with a pair of pliers. Now my computer won't work."

~the internet, 1998.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 21:12, 7 replies)

Two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse have been sacked
That's war and pestilence for the chop.
(ubergeekian, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 18:25, Reply)

I did your mother up the arse
nuff said or something
(likeajackhammer, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 17:31, 1 reply)

Ethelred the Unready
Nuff Said.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 16:38, 1 reply)

I once asked a popular British artist to do a portrait of a character from the Old Testament.
He was the Hirst person for the Job.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 16:24, 1 reply)

A german father wanted to take his boys to visit mecca just to look, but realised he'd have to take pork sausages from home to feed them
He was the wurst per son for Haj ob.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 16:14, Reply)

my job
my job is simple. design things, print things, put things together once they are printed.

there was a work experience lad who worked here before me. I'm told he wasn't great.

He would do a job and then sit there, waiting for someone to find him and ask how he was getting on. (instead of using his initiative and finishing the job then going to tell someone / ask what to do next.)

When, after the 7th or 8th time of this happening, he was asked "are you finished with that job?" he burst out crying and asked for his mum.

I'm not sure what job he would be good for. But it clearly wasn't this one.

I'm not sure why, it's piss easy. Plus you get to go on the internet and mess about and stuff.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 15:18, 5 replies)

A very large plc which runs the phone network in the UK
wanted to get another developer in to the department I was then working in.

Although this person wasn't working for me, I was asked to give the cvs of the likely candidates a quick scan for my thoughts / comments.

"Don't get this guy in" I said after looking at one cv - "even for a contractor (which we all were) he's done too many jobs in too short a period of time. He must be crap, otherwise he'd get renewed".

Yes...well, you can guess who they hired.

He came in, all Billy Big Mouth, claiming to have written operating systems in a spare lunch hour, the usual BS.

The first demo of his work he gave to the (thankfully, internal) clients went well. Then, a week before he was due to give a demo of the finished product, he vanished.

When his code for the first demo was examined, he'd basically faked everything...his system did nothing but return plausible answers.

He wasn't the worst coder they employed by any manner or means. One guy spent 18 months writing a system that never so much as compiled, let alone worked...I replaced it with something that worked inside of 2 weeks, so well done him for earning £1400 / week for 18 months doing fuck all. The worst culprit was a woman who employed as a coder didn't understand how conditional statements worked (the equivalent of an HGV driver who couldn't find reverse, I guess). She survived there for 9 months...her next employer...the BBC.
(TheImmortalJenkins, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:32, 1 reply)

God.
According to various religious texts we are supposed to be his children.

I don't know about you folks but I've not seen him around here much in recent times. What sort of father is he that he allows his 'kids' to go around maiming, shooting, killing and generally being complete shits to each other?

He's probably in another neck of the universe getting his end off with some Goddess.

Where's the deity version of the Police and Social Services when you need 'em?
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 14:22, 1 reply)

Blaze Bayley.
NUFF SAID
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 13:26, 10 replies)

Extreme tactics
I guess this tale describes someone who was either the best or worst person for the job depending on your point of view.

It was the 90's, and I was a month into my first proper job - a sales executive for a specialist publishing company in London. This was before the rise of the internet, so imagine a trading floor with nothing but telephones and directories. Staff turnover was approx 10 people per week which tells you pretty much all you need to know about them.

As one of over two hundred sales execs on the floor, I was governed by a manager whose sole purpose was to 'motivate' his team into delivering the highest revenues possible. Let's call him Rob, for that was his name.

Rob was very friendly to new starters in the team, and seemed like the perfect boss. Indeed that sentiment grew enormously when I completed my first deal for the company and he gave me a bottle of champagne as a reward. Unfortunately my next deal was somewhat slower to materialize and Rob's mood soured by the day. His first tactic to improve my performance was to listen in on every call I made, wildly gesticulating when he wanted me to 'close' and hopping up and down when he thought I'd said something stupid.

His behaviour had a particularly negative effect on me, so I withdrew into myself and was far too scared to pick up the phone in his presence. His response was twofold. Firstly he forbid me to sit down all day by removing my chair. His reasoning was that by standing, the whole floor would see I wasn't on the phone pitching and I would be shamed into action. Slightly more drastically, he bound the handset of the phone to my hand with parcel tape each morning.

I guess in the environment he worked, Rob was the best person for the job, either quickly getting results or forcing out the non-performers. In any other business he would have been in front of a tribunal. I still wish bodily harm on him.
(BinDipper, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 12:59, 7 replies)

Never get someone constipated to do a big shit for you.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 12:35, 3 replies)

Tony Blair
How on earth did a man who spent much of his time as Prime Minister starting illegal wars on middle eastern countries ever get a post as a middle east peace envoy? What's next, Ian Brady as Children's Commissioner?
(ubergeekian, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 12:23, 3 replies)

Tom Baker

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 12:22, 13 replies)

An artist-type character put a mink coat over the top of my oven.
The Hirst persona furred the hobb.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 12:17, Reply)

So bad, questions are asked in parliament...
Former HR director with quite mind-boggling behaviour for an HR-bod. Eventually an MP raised it in the Commons.

www.guardian.co.uk/business/2011/jun/02/network-rail-boss-escapes-punishment
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 12:00, Reply)

iPhone? Meh.
I used to make mobile phone games for a (rather poor) living. When the iPhone was announced, I confidently predicted that it would flop as a platform for gaming. People want buttons, I said. You can't touch the screen AND see what you're doing.

I don't make mobile phone games anymore.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 11:03, 1 reply)

Advestov
There must have been about 100 people who could have taken on the task of creating the 'asbestos register', and talking to all the engineers in the company about it. So why give that task to the one person who couldn't say 'asbestos'? Whenever I heard him say it, it was 'advestov' or something similar. For 2 years.
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 10:25, Reply)

Todd Akin
U.S. representative of Missouri's 2nd district, and genius that thinks women can magically prevent pregnancy in cases of legitimate rape, is on two subcommittees that are part of the committee on Science, Space, and Technology. Luckily neither are biology related, but a gaffe of that calibur would suggest possibly this seat would be better filled by another. Also, I believe he does not believe in global warming. One of his two subcommittee seats? Energy and Environment.
(LakAttack, Mon 10 Sep 2012, 0:39, 52 replies)

I'm crap at getting things done
Pretty close to four years ago now I was going to write a post about procrastination.
(gordonjcp, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 23:03, 1 reply)

i was once tasked with
filling in the answers to an FAQ section for a website but instead of doing it properly i just wrote long winded answers that were nothing more than crap puns meant to waste the time of the poor unsuspecting people reading it

and while doing it i just complained to anyone that would listen that the questions i had to answer were crap
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 20:56, 2 replies)

I met a translator who couldn't understand english
He had the worst parsing for the job.
(ubergeekian, Sun 9 Sep 2012, 20:51, Reply)