When is the new QOTW?
So I was in Australia, and - long story short - I caught a live possum. 'Let's put the bastard in the spin dryer,' my mate chuckled. So we did. The possum didn't enjoy it and let out a noisy 'parp!' followed by a massive turd.

It was a whooshed possum farty job.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 17:01, 6 replies)

No 605 bus
We had several school buses from school when i was younger. The one I took was the 605. The bus was almost always damp, and smelt musty. It had a decor 20 year too late, and never quite displayed the correct number on the front. It usually looked like '60/' with the number 5 not in the right place - but we still knew it as 605.

It was an old bus, but boy could it move. I think this was more likely down to the bus driver we had, who was - to put it lightly, not the ideal candidate for a bus full of teenagers.

He resembled Bronson by build, and looks. The man was a lunatic, and drove like one too- often slamming on the breaks, waiting until everyone had recovered and shout obsenities to apease the volume of chatter from us scallywags.

It was as if the job was a liftime punishment for something he had done earlier. It was his hell.

I remember standing next to the front door once and watched him drive. He sweated, grunted and huffed all the way home. No one dared talk to him.

He rarely would obey the speed limits, and found it easier to get the journey over with as quickly as possible by aiming for an average speed of above 40mph all the way home. Quite often the most exciting part to be on the bus was the upstairs left front seat, as you seemed to sway more and occasionally hit tree branches. Which - when doing ~40mph is quite exciting. It was more like a rollercoaster ride. The more upset he looked as you got on the bus, the more you felt you were in for an interesting ride.

Certain days I remember seeing him close to breakdown - face red, sweaty, veins on the side of the head bulging. This was actually prior to the kids getting on the bus. So you can understand why when 150 screaming unable to sit down teenagers would allow him to tip over the edge with rage.

and thats my story. No specifics I just thought he wasnt ideal for the job.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 16:52, Reply)

Frank Scapaticci was appointed by Gerry Adams to run the Provisional IRA's internal security department, to look for British spies in the IRA, despite him being a British spy.
Scappaticci's two deputies were also British spies. I guess they were either the best or worst people for the job depending on your point of view, it's all relative, I suppose.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 16:38, 8 replies)

At a staff meeting to launch the new pension scheme...
the HR manager droned on for ages about the two different pension plans, AVC and SERPS until we we all utterly confused.

A colleague asked if the manager could work through an illustration of the projected pension based on someone aged 30 earning £25K, who chose "Plan A". "Err no, sorry!" said the HR Manager "I'm not very good at sums!!"
( Vambo, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 16:34, 1 reply)

i once hired a lass as a temp assistant to prepare images for use in e-learning. she was an out of work actress who didn't even know word
she spent the entire month mired in some sort of personal crisis with her mother, crying on the telephone
she did have a cracking set of bristols, mind
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 16:24, Reply)

Your Answer is in the Question
*This is a pearoast from an ongoing series of posters that I put up, but unless you live in my neighbourhood you won't have seen them so...*

KNOW THE ENEMY

Welcome to your new health secretary.

In 2009, Hunt was found by the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards to be in breach of rules after allowing his political agent to live in his taxpayer funded home in Farnham as a lodger from November 2005 to June 2007. Hunt’s offer to repay half the money (£9,558.50) was accepted. Hunt also had to repay £1,996 for claiming the expenses of his Farnham home whilst claiming the mortgage of his Hammersmith home.

As Secretary of State for Culture, Olympics, Media and Sport, Hunt clearly showed his disdain for fair process, in withholding the Ofcom report on the Murdoch takeover of BskyB until mounting pressure forced him to revel that it recommended the matter be referred to the Competition Commission. He later claimed that his department released the report (by a publicly funded public body acting in public interest) despite not being required to do so.

He then chose not to refer the matter to the Competition Commission (despite this being its sole raison d'être), announcing on 3 March 2011 that he intended to accept a series of undertakings given by News Corporation, paving the way for the deal to be approved. Then of course it all came out in the wash.

Hunt was alleged to have had improper contact with News Corp. Emails released to the Leveson Inquiry detailed contacts between Hunt's special advisor Adam Smith and Frédéric MichelNews Corp’s director of public affairs and therefore a lobbyist for James Murdoch. Hunt appeared before the Leveson inquiry on 31 May 2012, when it emerged that Hunt had himself been in text and private email contact with James Murdoch, even congratulating him on the progress of the takeover bid, but nonetheless then took over responsibility for adjudicating on the bid.

In April 2012, immediately following David Cameron's statement that he would not associate himself with anyone who carried out “aggressive tax avoidance”, the Daily Telegraph disclosed that Hunt had reduced his tax bill by over £100,000 by receiving dividends from Hotcourses in the form of property which was promptly leased back to the company. The dividend was paid just before a 10% rise in dividend tax and Hunt was not required to pay stamp duty on the property.

Now kiss the NHS goodbye

References:

Standards and Privileges Committee - Fourth Report Mr Jeremy Hunt". parliament.uk. 10 December 2009. Retrieved 4
"Hunt gives green light to News Corp-Sky deal". The Spy Report (Media Spy). 3 March 2011. Retrieved 3 March 2011.
"News Corp withdraws bid for BSkyB". BBC News. 13 July 2011
Oliver Wright, et al "James Murdoch's revenge: Evidence that shook Government to its core", The Independent, 25 April 2012
Leveson Inquiry: Hunt defends 'congrats' Murdoch text". BBC News. 31 May 2012. Retrieved 31 May 2012.
Holly Watt and Claire Newell (27 April 2012). "Jeremy Hunt avoided £100,000 tax bill in deal just days before rate rise". Daily Telegraph. Retrieved 27 April 2012.
(strongp, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 16:19, 5 replies)

I dun a guff

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 15:59, Reply)

There was some HTML development work going at our place
So I suggested a guy I know who helps his dad run a website recommending the best services in the sex industry.

Basically, I recommended a whores tipper's son for the job.
( High Lord Phanty, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 15:43, 3 replies)

David Cameron and George Osbourne are in the wrong job when they said that their job was going to be to recover the economy.

That and Mrs.S from our local Co-op. She's been working there for years and she still doesn't know how to work the lottery machine, never smiles, and still hasn't got her around the concept that if there are more than three people in the queue that she's supposed to call for assistance.
(Factorandvibration, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 14:07, 3 replies)

Prince Phillip
Is not a very good arranger of deaths made to look like accidents. Pulled it off okay but with far too much suspicion that lingers to this day. Let's see how realistically he manages to make serial-embarrasser of the royal family Prince Harry's impending helicopter crash look.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 12:33, 3 replies)

Splash!
I have started taking my kids swimming as a cheaper way to get them to learn to swim (and it also has the added bonus of me being able to try and work off some of the flab I have gained). A few weekends ago I was at the local swimming pool and managed to see something mentioned in a previous QOTW by other users, the family that turn up and leave their clothing in a cubicle .

While I was in the midst of doing the whole blow up armbands for the two youngest kids of mine when said family left the (Still full of clothes) cubicle. The mother turned to the eldest of her brood and shouted at him in local chav drawl ‘’Oy Bradley you forgot the sign’’ (obviously her instructions came with swearwords). Young Bradley nipped in to the changing room and whipped out a cardboard made out of order sign that he blu-tacked to the front of the changing room cubicle door and then shot off to join his mum and elder spawn. Naturally as a polite non confrontational English bloke I did the whole tut and wonder how someone could think to remember to bring a sign and blu-tack to a swimming pool but not a £1 that would be returned to you after the locker was opened again but another witness to this event took a rather different approach.

The guy who had been towelling himself off (ooh err) went into a full rant, dressing and storming out of the room muttering about going to get a member of staff. I will admit that I did take a little extra time in getting the kids ready just to see what happened next and in some sort of twisted way I am kind of glad I did.

Angrybloke returns with bloke in polo shirt bearing name of the swimming pool. Angrybloke shows the clothes in the cubicle, explains the situation (With the backing from a couple of people who had seen what had happened), the trouble is the guy he was speaking to didnt seem to be able to understand the situation and Angrybloke started to lose the plot a little.

Angryguy: just take the sodding sign off and throw the sodding clothes in the skip

Poolguy: Sorry mate, I can’t the sign says its out of order

Angryguy: THAT SIGN ISNT YOURS! WE HAVE TOLD YOU THIS ALREADY..... ITS WRITTEN ON A BIT OF CARDBOARD FROM A FOSTERS MULTIPACK FOR GODS SAKE!

Poolguy: Look sorry mate but I don’t know what to do with signs, that’s not something I deal with sorry mate

Angryguy: Don’t call me “mate” sunshine, just because I don’t teach you anymore you should still address me as sir

Poolguy: I left your school a long time ago and I don’t know what to do with the sign.

Angryguy: You are the most senior person here?

Poolguy: Yup, we have a few staff members on holiday but I’m in charge for now

Angryguy: This place really has gone to the dogs! Sort this out and kick them out for taking up space illegally

Poolguy: I really really can’t do that. Have to speak to the caretaker first, he deals with the maintenance and might know what to do with the sign.

Angryguy: ITS NOT YOUR SODDING SIGN.......Sod this, I will do something about it myself!

(Rips off sign and tears it up and then gets coin from pocket , grabs all clothes from cubicle and stuffs them into a locker)

Angryguy: Ha! Lets see them get it now

(Locks locker and strolls out of complex with key while poolguy looks on stupidly)

I went swimming with my kids but managed to see chavella and her sprogs arguing with the same poolguy as we left the place later on as poolguy had no idea where the spare locker keys where and was going to ring someone to find out.

I think that this is a two for one story really as both Poolguy and Angrybloke were both in the wrong job. Poolguy was pretty useless and should not have been left in charge of a place he knew little about and as for angrybloke, I don’t think he should be allowed to teach kids with a temper like that (The sad thing is that this happened during the summer holidays so it’s not like he had a stressful week at work or anything).

Apologies for length, I blame the temperature of the pool water.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 12:18, 6 replies)

Me, I suppose
I went for an interview lately as a developer on an "evidence-based medicine" website. As a fan of Dr. Ben Goldacre and having until recently worked at a medicine-based charity I thought this would be a perfect fit. However, at the first meeting between myself and the person who wanted me to set up this site, she:

* recommended that I read the books of Deepak Chopra and that we should sell them through the website
* suggested that "traditional herbal remedies" from around the world would be an appropriate thing to sell under the banner "evidence-based medicine"
* represented the pair of us to a third party as being from the medical charity that I no longer work for
* told me that I'd also be her personal secretary
* told me that there wasn't any money and I'd be working for free until I sold some Deepak Chopra books

At this point I made my excuses and left.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 9:39, 59 replies)

Every full moon I know someone who turns into a male offspring, right ...
... and fills with such pressure they need to be exploded with a pin.

Once this has happened, they are then terrified of bread rolls, and (I think this works ... )

...

...

...

... so the burst were-son fears a cob.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 9:36, 2 replies)

I used to work as a carer. Working in group homes with people with mental and physical disabilities.
One of the places I worked housed 4 young blokes. All aged between 17-20. a range of disabilities from mild CP to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome to Autism and Prader–Willi, mostly nice fellas but they could be a hand-full at times.

In that house I worked for nearly 2 years. As a male carer I was relatively rare and I worked with mostly middle-aged women. Had "first beers" with 3 of the guys in that house, had to show 1 of the guys how to search 'safely' for pr0n as his computer kept getting virused.

Most of the staff I worked with (usually 2 on shift) were reliable, stand-up people. Who took a little time to get to know the guys and how to deal with them.

Then there was Anne (names have NOT been changed to protect the guilty - Anne if you are somehow reading this you are a menace to your fellow workmates).
Anne was a loud, brash woman who seemed to think that she could deal with any situation by shouting and getting excited. Suffice to say that usually didn't work out very well.

A couple of instances - Bert (the autistic 1) got over-excited and stormed out the front door (he had done a runner in the past). Anne proceeded to chase him up the street screaming at him that "if he didn't come home right now he wouldn't be welcome and we would get the police to come looking for him." Bear in mind that this was his home and the house was situated in a residential street.
I found Bert (not his real name obviously) down at the local park. I talked to him quietly and calmly and we headed home. I got him settled and ready for bed (despite Anne again threatening him with all sorts of consequences). My incident report for that night makes for some interesting reading - sadly I had to leave her at the house with the 3 other blokes when I went looking for Bert - who knows what went on as they were all fairly stressed by Bert's behavior.

Another time Rick (the young man with Prader-Willi) decided to go off 'cause his parents chose not to take him out the coming weekend because of his bad behavior the previous weekend.
Anne chose to tell him this mid-week. When he reacted badly she refused him his dinner (never an acceptable punishment. Ever).
He duly chucked a huge tanty (Rick was 6" and about 100kgs.) People with Prader-Willi also suffer from Pica frequently and food is a major issue.
Rick then proceeded to run rampant around the house, throwing things and hitting anyone in reach.
I managed to get all of the other guys into their rooms as safely & calmly as possible while Anne stood out of the way and shouted at Rick.

Eventually Rick ripped the linen cupboard door off it's hinges and threw it at me.
Anne then proceeded to lock herself in the staff/sleep-over room.
Whilst Rick chucked heavy objects at me.

I eventually calmed him down, reminded him of his "social contract" (an agreement whereby if he behaved well he got rewards) and got him to settle in his room. The coordinator turned up about 1/2 an hour later as Anne had rung her and still hadn't come out of the locked staff room.

I answered the door with a cheesy "What are you doing here?", as all was quiet and the guys were all in bed.

I never worked with Anne again.

EDIT: I should point out that over 8 years working as a carer I found the "Softly, softly & take all the time in the world" approach worked really well with most dramas that didn't involve immediate danger to myself, other staff or my clients.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 12 Sep 2012, 8:35, 33 replies)

My dad and I were employed delivering an air bubble filled chocolate bar manufactured by Cadbury
It was a wispa son - father job.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 0:16, 4 replies)

6 years at the farty end - a tribute to my ex boss
I am a long, long, long time lurker, but I cannot help myself.........

The background: A man who has found himself in charge of a niche nanotechnology company, much to the frustration and continued amazement of his employees.

The episodes (I'm sure I'm missing some classics but these are the ones which immediately come to mind):

1) Going awol from work for two days because he had his trousers stolen. Complete with wallet, house and car keys, and driving licence featuring home address.

2) Farty walking, with no apologies or excuses, in front of his staff, overseas distributors and customers.

3) Multiple unexplained suit-tearing incidents, in a variety of countries. Said suits reappeared on many subsequent occasions, complete with unmended rips/ tears/ bust zips.

4) Nervous tics ranging from chomping to violent head-scratching to squeezing his man-sausage between his two index fingers. In the middle of meetings.

5) Trying to set-up a conference call and calling 999 by accident.

6) Regularly choking on food as he doesn't understand that you should chew what's in your mouth before stuffing more in.

7) Wearing a bumbag while travelling for security reasons, and still forgetting where he's put his tickets and passport.

Received today via email from my ex-colleague: Today he nearly broke his back carrying a display stand down a flight of stairs rather than using the 'rather well suited for the job' elevator. After his rather embarrassing fight with the staircase he then dragged it out to his car and proceeded to spend ten minutes trying to fit it in his boot, despite the fact the the opening of his car's rear storage compartment was much smaller than the box he was trying to put in it. After a total of 30 mins wasted on this particular activity he asked a much more competent member of staff to ring fedex to get it delivered to it's destination. I imagine he did this to avoid dialling 999 again.

I really can't understand how he's still alive, never mind in charge of a company.
(whskyngngr, Wed 12 Sep 2012, 0:01, 4 replies)

Sperm Bank
No Really. Last month I had to go there...well it's what pre-op trannies do if they want kids in the future.

Approaching the finale to various forms of consent, I reached the following question:

"In the event of your death may we approach you for consent to use your gametes for medical research?"

I looked at the consultant who said "don't need to sign that one".
(Bonanzo Best Before:, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 22:28, 3 replies)

There was this Hebrew bloke who thought he was unworthy of God.
He had 7 sons who may all have been dervishes. Quite a few of them got into tizzies over this and that. They would show their piousness by spinning around rapidly and falling into a trance-like state.

They were the whirrest per Son for Job.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 11 Sep 2012, 22:22, Reply)

I cleaned a cold-war era US ballistic missile for an online video sharing site
It was the washed Pershing for Youtube.
(ubergeekian, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 21:47, Reply)

Budum-tish
There was this gay French waiter who was crap at arousing blokes. He was the worst garcon for the lob.
(badgermonkey007, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 20:58, Reply)

ERM
Me - seeing as I am a remtard.
(BadgerPirate, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 19:52, 2 replies)

PUNPUNPUNPUNPUNPUNPUNPUN
Someloadofcontrivedoldbollocks

"THIRST PERD SCUM FOR THE FLOB"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

tldr: puns are for cunts
(rampants, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 18:44, 5 replies)

One of our helpdesk guys used to work for Pissy Werld
When cloning someones hard drive before attempting to recover a University students years worth of Phd notes he ghosted a clean drive image over the students corrupt one. Nice effective way to end up with 2 empty hard drives, apparently.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 16:58, 9 replies)

Anyone remember the "Love Bug"?
This was a viral 'worm' (circa May 2000) spread by email containing an attachment named LOVE-LETTER-FOR-YOU.txt.vbs.
Its attachment, posing as a text document, was actually a chunk of VB script (the double file extension was a bit of a 'give away') which, if opened, would be executed by MS Outlook. It would then proceed to rape your address book, sending copies of itself to the first 50 or so entries; then your computer, overwriting various files with copies of itself, making itself auto-run on startup and installing the Barok trojan.

I received my copy (which, for the record, I wasn't stupid enough to open - apart from with a 'dumb' text editor, so I could pull its wings and legs off) from our Computer Operations Manager - the guy in charge of our network, hardware, computer security, etc.

Oh how we laughed!
(minimalist ..., Tue 11 Sep 2012, 14:52, 15 replies)

Contrast
It was one of my first times of being involved in a meeting with the head of strategy and the CEO of a top 50 ASX company. I had heard that the HOS was not the sharpest spoon in the drawer, while the CEO was 5 grades sharper than a scalpel and unfortunately often used it to take some skin from anyone not meeting his high standards.

So I was going to try to nod at the right times and be a bit of a fly on the wall for what was hopefully going to be an interesting meeting (on whether we should enter the market in Vietnam). I forget why I was there - I wasn't involved in the Vietnam thing.

So imagine my surprise when CEO was mega-relaxed, chuckling and all small talk for the first 20 mins of the half hour meeting. When the HOS finally tried to bring the meeting back on track by asking if CEO wanted him to go through the powerpoint presentation, the answer was no, I have read the presentation and here are the top 5 reasons we are not going into that market (most of which weren't in the presentation). End of meeting.

Absolute legend. If you are going to have to sit through half an hour with someone you might as well do it on your own terms. It just reinforced the contrast between the two.

Turns out the HOS was dumped on us by the parent company, which is why he had that position, and the CEO wanted him gone. So eventually the CEO found a way to give a positive report on the HOS and he soon got promoted elsewhere and out of our hair early. So sometimes the promotion of a useless idiot is done with eyes wide open (by at least someone involved).
(Skippyfillet, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 14:49, Reply)

I can't believe this hasn't been done yet...
1. Baldmonkey for Mod
2. Anyone who recommends Baldmonkey for Mod, by very reason of their proposal, should have their powers of nomination expunged, on the grounds they are the worst person for the job of nominating Mods.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 11 Sep 2012, 14:20, 18 replies)

Should have been the worst...
My Dad was trying to wallpaper the hallway ceiling, and failing. Eventually my Mum embarrassed him into getting a professional decorator to do it. The decorator had one arm. And he did a much better job than my Dad...
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 13:12, 7 replies)

Henri Paul
Not a very good chauffeur/getaway driver.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 12:34, 4 replies)

Mallow
I used to work in a confectionary factory – to earn a bit of cash out of Uni. This place made lots of things, doughnuts, cake toppings Fudge (yes, I know, fudge packer haw haw) and Marshmallow

For those of you not in the know, Marshmallow is made by heating was is essentially sugar and water, then aerating it. It goes from clear glucose syrup to white frothy gloop – this resembled PVA glue.. Which at the time of packing, is still very hot and tacky – so needs to be left to cool down.

I was taught how to use the machine that produced this frothy gloop in the best part of 3 mins, it was that easy. The golden rule was don’t stop the machine once its pumping out the Mallow. One batch will take about 90 mins to run, which – once you’ve done you can have a long break. It was a fairly easy job. 3-4 tons of Mallow was made in a Batch.

I had worked on this machine for a week, before some bright spark thought a rotation was in order – so I could get more experience on another line. In my place they put new lad. Again he was taught the rules, don’t stop the machine.. what ever you do… work through all your breaks and take a long one at the end.


3 hrs later I was sitting in the canteen when I heard a loud bang - 3 guys then walked past resembling the ending of ghostbusters.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 11 Sep 2012, 12:23, 15 replies)