People who 'phone me at work and ask
"Oh hi - who's this?"

YOU FUCKING 'PHONED ME YOU BUGGERING CRETIN! WOU DO YOU THINK IT IS?!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 17:40, 4 replies)

I could probably use this QOTW to fill in my appraisal form.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 17:34, 5 replies)

office stuff
I spend more of my working day answering my phone than I should do, mainly because certain members of my team "forget" to log into theirs. This winds me up by no small degree which is always exacerbated by the following:

- The phrase "What is it, is...". You don't have to tell me that you're going to tell me what you're calling about, I've already asked you. Just tell me. For example "What it is, is we've sent in an application form". Why not just "We've sent in an application form"?

- Overuse of the words "mate", "pal" or "buddy". It's generally our sales force that are guilty of this. I know they're trying to butter me up so I agree to do a favour for one of their unreasonable clients, but calling me "mate" three times in one sentence is not the way to get me on side. Especially annoying if they haven't introduced themselves; I'm unlikely to recognise you by your voice so your opening gambit should be something like "Hi, this is Steve from the Cardiff office" not "Hiya buddy, how are you doing pal?" leaving me to go "Er...fine? Who are you?".

- I always answer the phone by saying my name and the team I'm in and then saying "How can I help?". You don't need to reply with "Yes, I was hoping you could help..." as I have already offered to help. It's redundant and kinds of implies I'm not actually interested in helping. I am, because once I've sorted your problem out I can go back to doing the work that I'm actually being paid to do.

I don't really hate my job that much, just wish people would let me get on with it and stop filling my ears with verbal diarrhoea.

Oh also, Americans saying "I could care less" when they mean "I couldn't care less". If you could care less about something it means you care a bit about it, not that you don't care about it. If you were full of cake you would say "I couldn't eat any more cake", not "I could eat some more cake". Think about it.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 17:33, 1 reply)

It is, apparently, dismissive...
...to refer to someone as a member of the "reality-based community".

Good grief. Yeah, let's let the "magic economic pixie-dust community" run things and see how it works out, shall we? _{Oh crap, we did.}
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 17:30, Reply)

Hey guess what
My poor kids. Whenever on of them says something along the lines of 'hey guess what happened to me today at school' I think of the most convoluted long-winded unlikely reply possible, in the hope that they'll bloody stop it.
"hey Dad guess what I had for lunch today..."
"toadburgers with poo sauce and crispy elephant dung topping and a side dish of fried conger eel eggs?"
"sigh- no Dad. Pizza. Just grow up will you."
(teasus likes tea, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 17:17, 4 replies)

'...on acid'
People who say something is like something else 'on acid' have invariably not got a fucking clue what anything is like 'on acid', and thus make themselves look like lolwaki spastics for saying it.

I saw a poster ad a couple of years for 'Spongebob Squarepants', upon which was a quote from horse-faced simpleton Christian O'-fucking-Connell (for whom I already had massive personal antipathy dating back to an incident in the late 80s when the cunt burnt my socks on a campfire): 'like 'The Simpsons' on acid'.

In what fucking way, you equine-visaged mongol, is 'Spongebob Squarepants' like 'The Simpsons' on acid? Any way at all, or are you just using it like a retard to appear 'edgy' and 'cool'? You witless cunt. When everyone else was actually taking acid you were too scared to, and instead resorted to smoking cigars at teenage parties to get attention - attention you were already getting, for hoiking your jeans up higher than Simon Cowell's, getting you the nickname 'tightarse'.

Christian O'Connell's elongated, hideous face is like a normal person's 'on acid'.

This was meant to be a general rant about people saying 'on acid', but I appear to have deviated from this theme somewhat. Ah well.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 17:11, 10 replies)

literary mindfart
i recently saw an advert on the tube for a quite intellectual book, which had those little 'so good i bit my own cock off' - daily observer' type reviews, the prominently placed bold highlighted one of which described this piece of literary elegance as 'unputdownable' and in a smaller, less well placed line as 'a real pageturner'



fuuuuuuuuck.

someone needs to die for this.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 17:09, Reply)

i think add nothing that hasn't been mentioned here...
"Literally" as in "I literally turned the air blue" no you didn't, unless you breathe ozone

"Basically" as in "basically I went the pub" you went the pub and you are padding your sentence with tautologies because you are stupid. Tautologies ride along in your sentences ilke junk DNA, adding nothing (see also "actually")

"You know" like David Beckham says 400 times in every interview. "yeah well you know I got the ball on the right you know and then I you know took a touch..." etc

David, it's pretty obvious you were dragged out of school at 10

Yourself/myself/ourselves. This is probably my top hate, it just sounds wrong. "John and myself went the pub" ugh

I'd like to defend a few....random, fail, chillax, my bad. I'm fine with them, I find them quite funny
(Darth Vodka, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 17:08, 3 replies)

'Ongoingly'
Used frequently by my Area Manager. I'm not even sure what she's using this word in place of as the context changes all the time. All I know is I've developed a nervous tic that manifests itself every time I hear it.
(Bat-winged-flap-cat, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 17:03, 1 reply)

Cascading an email
I think it means to forward on an email, typically down the chain of command.

e.g "please cascade the email to your minions"
(thrain, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 16:56, 1 reply)

I appreciate that the British and Americans will naturally have different idioms
It's just the way these things evolve. However, I still have trouble coming to terms with one particular difference:

America is the only place I'm aware of where you can seriously insult someone by calling them a "donkey-hole."

It has also hampered my enjoyment of pornography when my brain automatically translates certain key phrases, e.g.,
"Oh, yeah, fuck my tight donkey."

If I want that sort of thing there are plenty of Swedish websites.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 16:44, 1 reply)

"Hey, chillax!"
"...No! How about you stease being so smutentious?"
(DaftenDirekt, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 16:38, Reply)

hot topic
attn: the word 'jalapenos', is NOT pronounced 'jaller-peeny-oes' nor is it a singular, as in 'would you like a jalapenos on that?' NOR is it 'jalappa-nos' like galapogos. it's halla-peen-yoes. stop talking like failed extras from the royle family, or you're not only gonna find out how it's pronounced, but through surgical intervention, how it's removed from the human cornea and how much it hurts while it's there.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 16:37, 7 replies)

Relationship Overlap

A fair while back a shitstorm blew up on QOTW regarding Kiss.Me.Where.I.Poo's revenge on his girlfriend of 8 years who he'd found cheating on him. It involved chilli and a vibrator as I recall.

During the heated debate that followed some dizzy bint referred to the cheating as "relationship overlap" and I blew a minor gasket.

There's no such thing as "relationship overlap". It's cheating, two-timing, infidelity, playing away from home. There's a hundred more phrases to describe one partner playing hide-the-sausage, without the others knowledge, but I will not accept the breath-taking euphemism of "relationship overlap."

Call it like it is and don't try and dress up one of life's ultimate betrayals with some twee phrase that sounds as if it comes from a sociology textbook. It's like Sellafield referring to a radiation leak as "an escape of magic moon-beams".

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 16:11, 9 replies)

Annoying band name
Mrs Vagabond and I were visiting her folks in a small town in Ireland. I went into town on a mission, and people kept staring at me, some of them openly very aggressively.

It was only on my return that I realised my t-shirt was emblazoned with my favourite band's name across it in large letters: NEW MODEL ARMY.

Next year I intend to try my hand in America with an Osama Bin Laden one.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 16:01, 1 reply)

Irish news reporters
There is a tailback on the M50 because a lurry has overturned .....

It's a fucking LORRY !
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 15:56, 1 reply)

T'internet
Especially when pronounced as one word.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 15:55, 12 replies)

I Don't KNow Why But ...
People using the word 'anyhoo' instead of anyway makes me irrationally angry. Oh and also people saying 'I ax'd him' in place of 'I asked him'. Finally the word is 'drawing' not 'droring'.
(3badcats, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 15:51, 3 replies)

Forty jobs to go at Fort William call centre
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/highlands_and_islands/8611168.stm

"Our priority now, with the assistance of Manpower, is to be able to clearly communicate to the team what our exit strategy is and to give them a timeframe for this to be completed.

Exit Strategy!!
(jvz, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 15:29, 1 reply)

Can someone explain to me...
...what 'Blue Sky Thinking' actually means?
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Mon 12 Apr 2010, 15:04, 15 replies)

A poster a Reading train station
refers to homeless people around the town as the 'street based population'....
(mr.BIG I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:51, Reply)

Just about 80% of any forum I visit
Lol, oh, dh, dd, ds, lo, and the like

(Laughing out loud, other half - anyone using this expression should be drowned in jelly, darling husband, darling daughter, darling son, little one, etc.…)

more to come
(chocmonster Failed to come up with a witty signature by, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:49, 1 reply)

'Madam'
Hate it. Hate it with a passion. Since my teens I have been subjected to this, and most recently by a security guy in the student union. Oh how I long to be called 'miss'.
( Poppy The Platypus was abducted by an army of toast soldiers on, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:47, 4 replies)

To get 'baked'
Meaning to get stoned. fucking hell, who's responsible for that one then? Pisses me off no end whenever I hear it on the telly.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:44, 2 replies)

"A number of ..."
Tells us absolutely nothing. Just tell us how many.

Also "local residents". Is there such a thing as residents who aren't local?
(lolwhites, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:43, 2 replies)

Porn writers/ directors
The "Oooh yeah baby fuck my ass..." line is somewhat overused.

How's about:

Fuck me baby yeah oooh yeaaaahh...
My bounty is as deep as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite,
Oooh yeah I'm coming..."

Or:

"One half of me is yours, the other half yours-
Mine own, I would say; but if mine, then yours,
And so all yours!
Fuck me harder..."

pinched from Shakes-Willy-Spear

oh, and some lute music by Dowland would be nice
(roysin, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:26, 5 replies)

Traffic laws and biscuits
One of the old dears here at work frequently gets these two confused when complaining about having to pay the Congestive Charge.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:23, Reply)

Made Up Merkin Words
Like "irregardless".

There are enough words already without making up silly new ones for old things.

That said, if I want to ask for saus-ah-magises, eggy-wegs and chippy-wips for my din-dins to annoy Mrs Dervel then that is permitted.
( Dervel OTBC, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 14:08, 5 replies)

Not a phrase or word as such but an annoying noise
When Mrs SLVA detected I was at the point of ejaculation, she would ring a little bell. Now if I ask her for hand/oral relief, after 30 seconds or so she'll ring the bell and that'd be that.

6 months of fucking with my mind with her bizarre Pavlov's Cock experiment just because she's a lazy cunt.

It also means I have to leave the pub early because otherwise I spluff my pants when last orders is called.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 13:59, 5 replies)