well
I really really fancy that brunette actress off that Confetti film, the Canadian one with the massive nostrils? She was in Peep Show as the mad friend from uni. I really really don't know why, but I find her hugely alluring. I also like Lily Allen, even though she has a touch of the downs about her.
( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 18:35, Reply)

Clifford the big red dog.
He's BIIIIG.

Also, is it just me or is Lt. Columbo the most prolific b3tard/b3tan ever?
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Thu 28 Sep 2006, 18:32, Reply)

She died last week
I still feel her up though, and, she won't say no either, score 2 for me score 0 for people who think ethically
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 18:32, Reply)

I was in a club in London
Where a famous French footballer was hanging out with what appeared to be his girlfriend and a small entourage (I know nothing about football but I was reliably informed that he was quite famous). He starts chatting up one of my friends so I do the honourable thing of keeping his girlfriend company while he's off trying to shag other people. I never did learn her name, just kept referring to her the whole night as "hot girl" which, in my inhebriated I felt was somewhat charming. It's only when I look at the photos from that night I realise that the name I had given her couln't have been further from the truth. No wonder her boyfriend was trying his hardest to cop off with all my female mates.
( shovelboy This is bad - Two minutes to Belgium, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 18:29, Reply)

Little boys in school uniform. Wearing handcuffs.
With tape over their mouths.
(FUCK OFF, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 18:26, Reply)

Oh dearie me no...
Aged 14 or so fancied the knickers off my Danish Spanish teacher, Ms Seeland. She took me home and made me pancakes and everything. The lustre wore off a while later when she was discovered shoving dogfood up her vag and letting her alsatian lick it out.
I've had serious thing for Eva Haberman from Lexx for at least 10 years now. Especially the one where she gets her tits out in the shower. Cold bath needed every time I see that.
(hypostomus, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 18:24, Reply)

There's something about Mary

who lives four doors down from me. I can't help dreaming of coating her bottom in honey and buttering her nipples. She looks like she's got a minge you could melt marshmallows in, and the way she speeds past my window at 2 mph on her motorised buggy just sends me wild.

I bet she could teach me a trick or two, plus, she'd come in handy in getting a good car parking space at the local ASDA.
(Lt Columbo, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 18:21, Reply)

....

jack skellington from nightmare before xmas.

.
(i eat crayons, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 18:17, Reply)

I've got a crush on

anybody with a fanny and a pulse.

EDIT: On second thoughts, pulses aren't that important to me
(Lt Columbo, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 18:10, Reply)

English teacher...
I'm saddened to say I can't even remember her name any more, but she was probably in her mid-twenties (and I was an impressionable 13 year old) and was Rubenesque in the best sense. Mind-blowing frontage. Very sexy lady.

She was also a very good laugh and, if several of the boys in the class played the fool simultaneously we could get her quivering with silent mirth, unable to tell us to stop... Think of it - huge shaking boobies... I think she was probably the inspiration for my first nocturnal emissions but that's probably too much information.
(salty_sea_dog Pillaging since 1886. Oh, and "Yahaarrrr" as well., Thu 28 Sep 2006, 18:09, Reply)

She Hulk
In the mid 90's, there was "The Marvel Action Hour". A story about Iron Man, Fantastic For and The Incredible Hulk. Then, the replaced The Incredible Hulk with "She Hulk". Boy, I had my first crush. She was gorgeous. I found the whole clothes ripping metamorphasis fascinating.

Later on they produced a comic, and for the first time kittens died as a result of me and my comic.

I always thought I was wierd, until I got the internet. Google Image Search for She Hulk, and you'll see what I mean :)
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:54, Reply)

Have i got to be the first?
Hopefully it's not only me who thinks Marge Simpson has got a horny voice?

I would.

Twice

EDIT - just realised i have the first 2 posts on the best answers from last weeks question. If thats not good enough reason to nip to the works lav to 'rearrange my undercarriage' while thinking about Marge talking dirty, I don't know what is!
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:49, Reply)

Siouxfan,
I know the feeling. Hope you feel better soon...
( laminasni isn't., Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:45, Reply)

And then some...
Just like Pistonbroke's mate in this post, but longer.

You can read my version here

The image is broken in that post because it got deleted from the server but here she is again:


click for bigger, 800x600px

my only photograph of her acting as a bookmark in my copy of the London A-Z.
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:42, Reply)

Bartenders
I have really big crushes on bartenders at three of my local pubs.

I think the logic must be: they talk to me, smile and give me beer - therefore i like them. Repeat this enough times and you end up with a crush.

Unfortunately the only times I'll see them out socially is after they have finished work (ie midnight) and I'm trolleyed and they're sober and fed up with dealing with drunks.
( Actually i was skiving on, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:32, Reply)

Ugh
Marina, from Stingray. Lack of functional womanly bits never occured to me at the age of 5.
Kimberly, from Power Rangers, also aged 5.
My best friend. Repeatedly.
The resident certifiably crazy girl, aged 14.
The resident silent girl at school who never came out of her shell, aged 14. I later found out that had a thing for me too at the time. By then she had a boyfriend. Shit.
Richard Hammond. I always was a bit funny that way.
A physics teacher at my school. In a department full of musclebound egomaniacs, northern wimps, and middle aged Bible Bashers, he's a pillar of youth, vitality, good looks, and motorbike riding. He's also a programmer, which helps.
A girl who looks like the aforementioned crazy girl, only she's a year younger than me. She's also a programmer. Phwoar.
My school's foremost silent genius girl. Thankfully, this one's also a friend, and so I'm currently helping her out of her shell. Then I intend to chance my arm, and ask her out. Or get drunk with her. Whatever.

Christ, if any of my friends read this, I'm sunk.
(bad1dea, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:29, Reply)

So what's an "appropiate" crush?!?
Off the top of my head...

-Florence from the Magic Roundabout
-My "Aunty" not a blood relation you understand but over 30 yrs older than me
-The Cadbury Caramel Rabbit

..that's all I'm prepared to admit to right now.
(a_la_kurt, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:27, Reply)

Traffic babe
Does a vague warm feeling for Kate Allen (off the London traffic reports on BBC1 in the morning) count? Especially since she's pregnant and I'm married.


( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:23, Reply)

Fat men. Mmmm Robbie Coltrane
Dated a few. Made it a rule never to date a man if I couldn't get into his jeans - fnah!
(Peelmytangerines, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:16, Reply)

Sorry to quote Viz...
There was a time I'd quite happily eat my dinner of Philipa Forrester's minge,

These days it looks like she'd probably beat me to it...
( Weetobix, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:16, Reply)

Oh come on...
Is there anyone here who DOESN'T know about my crush on Peter Crouch?

I think he's gorgeous, no joking. Mmmmmm Crouchie...
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:11, Reply)

Panjit from Bertha
Crazy i know, but then again if i don't take my brain pills the following occurs:

1)Walls impede my progress.

2)I try to swallow at least three times a day.

3)I can smell my nose hairs.

4)I'd rather go to work than sit outside.

After that, Panjit from Bertha now seems like a logical crush, surely?!!

*The above MAY NOT be true. Kiss the girth and length
(Ghost Batty Rider, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:09, Reply)

Scrubs
Ooo, Elliot - Mmmm. Not older, but who the hell cares?

And I always though Clarissa (as in Clarissa explains it all) was a bit odd, but when I started watching Sabrina, it was love...
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:09, Reply)

Geeks and countdown
Got a mad crush on the head of ICT at the local high school. Trouble is, she's my boss and I think some of my pupils have guessed :-0

Oh...and Carol Vorderman when I were a lad. Finally got to meet her at some corporate "do" in the late 90's. The only time I've ever been starstruck. Played Thomas the Tank that evening thinking about her brown leather knee high boots....gibber
(beammeupscotty, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:04, Reply)

Every flipping crush I ever had was and is inappropriate!
Ignore me I am feeling sorry for myself today for related reasons.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 17:01, Reply)

Oh god, the shame - is a crush on *everybody* inappropriate?
As a teenager I was a bit of a wee lad. Underdeveloped some might say. However the lack of testicular hair and the fact that almost every girl in my class was taller than me didn't stop me showing an interest in girls.

An indiscriminate, naive and enthusiastic interest.

Where I got the self confidence from I don't know - perhaps I used it all up in one go - but through the course of one utterly shameful school year - I developed a crush on each girl in my class in turn, fantasised about our beautiful life together should she see the man inside the (quite literal) boy. I would then ask them out, be knocked back, enter a terrible state of despair and bemoan my terrible life. Then i'd move on to the next one. (Hey, at least I was monogamous).

Unsurprisingly this approach delivered zero results, and such a sequence of knock-backs, though not surprising in hindsight, has rendered me incapable of ever approaching a lady for a good time. Thank god for the wife, who has more testicular fortitude than me in this area, and booze, for lowering my fear levels enough so that I dare kiss a lady.

The moral of the story? Have two:
1) Post pubescent girls aren't impressed by pre-pubescent boys
2) A woman likes to feel special. Being the 4th girl you ask out in that month doesn't make a lady feel that way. More like last turkey in the shop. Especially when being selected by a Z-lister male.

Side note: Fortunately, all turned out normal puberty wise, and I am now balding with an impressive penis. (This is not a joke, but 100% of cock-fact)
(incrediblemonkeydoctor www.rantatsomeone.com - go on, have a rant, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 16:57, Reply)

Kat
Drawn by Jolly Jack.
Oh the shame that I find sketches so appealing.

Also my old art teacher was really good looking, but less said about that the better.
( palmr The speaking clock says:, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 16:55, Reply)

Phillipa Forester on Robot Wars
I never thought i'd be jealous of a bunch of bespectacled old gits who've never even slept with a woman but i'd have given anything for her to take a look at my SHREMECH.

It's a shame she's a bit of a munter now, like.
(Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 16:52, Reply)