I just had a piss.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 13:21, 4 replies)

ahhh
"that's seventeen pounds fifty nine, please"
*reaches into pocket for purse, which is not there*
ohfuckohfuckohfuck! where's my fucking purse!? i must have put it in my handbag!
*checks handbag*
bollocking shitcunt! it's not in there, either! i'm going to have to put all this shopping back and then go grovelling to mum for money because I'VE LOST MY FUCKING PURSE!
uhmmm.....wait a minute.....it's in the little pocket on the front of your trolley, you fucking numpty.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 13:16, 18 replies)

Hay whats this?
Many moons ago I was cutting down a hay field, "Opening out" as us rural types say, i.e. cutting around perimeter of the field, with an 8 foot cut disc mower. One of the hedges bordered a main road and as I was tootling along kicking up a lot of dust ( well, grass pollen really ) suddenly in the tall thick tangled grass through the haze of pollen I saw the body of a naked woman face down! OMG a murder victim! I just managed to stop the tractor in time before the mower had turned her into minced morsels. When the dust settled I dismounted the cab, shaking like the proverbial leaf only to find that the aforementioned cadaver was in fact a mannequin , a tailors dummy PHEEEW!!! I picked it up and threw it into the hedge bottom and carried on mowing, but I tell you what, my heart was still pounding like crazy for at least an hour afterwards. God only knows what it must be like to find a real body.
(Mackeson_drinker, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 13:12, 6 replies)

I saw a shop the other day called Islamic Relief.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 12:55, 7 replies)

I have never been so utterly relieved in my life
as when I found out where the mods who'd been so happy with the "step" hammer earlier this year were.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 12:47, 1 reply)

Red asphault!
A few years ago, I was driving through one of Sydney's more industrial suburbs at night. Close to Botany Road. You know it? Course you do. Anyway, on a side street this thing suddenly shines up in the lights. A bloody messy lump of meat and material with spatter and blood all around it. Oh shit. Someone's been hit, killed, squashed. I've discovered a hit and run. My blood ran cold and I felt a bit sick. What ever it was had definitely been run over at least once. I creeped the van closer and was most relived to discover an entire squashed kebab roll.
To this day I wonder how it got there.
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 12:43, Reply)

A little bit of sick came up.
Where I live has a hint of 'Nappy Valley' about it....loads of 'quirky' cafes that you can never get into because someone has erected a makeshift barrier of prams and buggies. Over the weekend I managed to breach one of these to escape the cold/rain and sat down to read the paper.

There were a few nippers running around, generally being ignored by their mothers, who it appears, had reached that period of motherhood where you can just tune out the screaming and just get on with your gossiping and coffee or wine drinking.

One of the kids is tearing around the place like a dervish and BANG! goes straight into the glass topped coffee table at which his mother was sat. Now I wouldn't class myself as a coward, or squeamish for that matter, but there are somethings I don't want to see. One of these things is a horrific head-wound on a child. My eyes closed all by themselves and remained that way for some time.

My ears couldn't shut themselves, and were bombarded with screams, shrieks, crying and shouted requests for towels. It seemed to go on forever and I thought I'd chance it and opened an eye towards the devastation.

The child was still screaming, but was surrounded by women- some of whom were also screaming. There was dark liquid all over him and the floor around them.

A little bit of sick came up.

I don't know the name of the chemical that flooded my system upon realisation that the kid was relatively unharmed and that the liquid was a coffee he'd knocked over upon impact, but it was like I was hovering over my chair for a couple of minutes.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 10:24, 4 replies)

Overwhelming
I was once trying to cook sweet and sour shrimp and pineapple soup, but I found that the shrimps were off... I was going to cook them anyway when I had a vision of a South African cook in the corner (a bit like the Jim Morrison scene in Waynes World 2) who told me that if I used the shrimps I was risking food poisoning and would likely die slowly and painfully.

Her candidness brought a tear to my eye.

I was overwhelmed with the sense of Pru Leith.
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:21, 1 reply)

etc

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:10, Reply)

meal leaf

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:10, Reply)

bee thief

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:10, Reply)

eel motif

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:09, Reply)

Teal briefs

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:09, Reply)

Real beef

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:09, Reply)

As anyone who makes their own tackle (fnar!)
for fishing knows one of the hardest jobs (apart from winding on the rings to the rod) is to place the spring and ratchet into the winder of the baitcaster.

This week is the 1st week of the summer school hols. Since she'd been nagging me for a while to go fishing (including asking for a rod for Chrissy) I thought I'd take my daughter fishing off the rocks at a nearby groyne. She was using one of my 5' flick-rods with a home-made baitcaster. It was mostly a test to see how she went putting bait on a hook and casting.

After about an hour of pulling in blowies I was about to call it when she suddenly got a massive strike on her rig. It was so strong it almost yanked her off the rocks and into the water. In light of the recent shark activities I was quite scared.
She held onto the rod with my help and the force of the strike literally tore the reel apart.
The first thing I noticed as we lost our big fish was the leaf-spring flying out of the ratchet mechanism.

There it was, the reel leaf.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 21 Dec 2012, 8:07, 2 replies)

I went to pick up my laptop from the repair shop yesterday
There were no police waiting for me when I got there. That was a relief

I'm here all week folks
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 7:40, Reply)

I once got into an argument with a pikey
I was shitting myself after he threatened to get his dad, his brother, and his uncle to all find me and beat me up.
I was very relieved when it turned out to be one person
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 7:38, 5 replies)

I've been pulled over by the police 3 times for speeding
And they're yet to give me a ticket. That's quite a relief when I think I could have 9 points by now and be on my final strike. As it is I have a clean licence. Hurray! Well done the police for teaching me my lesson. Oops
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 7:24, Reply)

The Day I Almost Committed Murder (or at least manslaughter)
Quite a few years back I had knocked off work early, as young sales reps tend to do. I dropped in at a mates place, which was one of those houses where everyone lived for a while, a week, six weeks, some stayed up to a year but, apart from the main occupant (a mate who’s parents had divorced but, still had money, gave him a house on the beach, no need to work, massive drugs etc etc…) most people didn’t stay long. It had 6 bedrooms and the front yard looked out over a paved walking track and then grass, sand, ocean.

I was hanging out with a mate who was living at the “big house” as it was called for a while and being a day that ended in “Y” we followed tradition and smoked massive drugs and drank massive beer and then inspected my mates newly acquired gold clubs, 2nd hand, but a good set. While punching a few more bongs and one upping each other on our golf prowess, it was agreed to head to the front lawn to “drive a few balls into the water”.

Only problem, I had forgotten that I didn’t know how to play golf. Apart from a few games in my early teens, I hadn’t seen a golf club in 8 or 9 years.

So, I grabbed the driver (the big one) and headed for the front lawn with my mate, who I noticed was carrying a seven iron. We teed up the balls (the grass was a bit long) and old mate clipped a nice 100 odd meter shot high over the edge of the drop off, that lead down to the beach and a fair way out into the water.

Good shot.

I remembered my prowess as a kid, I won every golf day at school, one year I got the double, highest score in golf and space invaders. I addressed the ball (but, didn’t have a stamp) wiggled the golf stick at the small target, checked out to sea for ships and other targets of risk, and hoped there wasn’t the QE2 hiding behind the horizon. Gathered my strength, cleared my mind, and swung at the ball like it was the one chance to get a shot at Chris Brown’s (see earlier stories) teed up testical.

Time stood still for a second, the club connected with the ball at full wacked idiot super power but, not straight on. Now I play a bit of golf, I understand that I probably connected with the ball towards the right hand side of the club face. It left the club like it was fired from a howitzer

At a 50 degree angle to the right,

Snapping the top off a picket in a 4 odd foot high picket fence,

Glancing slightly upwards,

Past the ear of a 7ish year old kid standing on the walking track,
hair ruffleingly close.

And on for about 60 meters, landing on the beach, 30 feet forward and 70 feet away from me.

The anal clenching aguish it caused me as events unfolded coupled with the moment too late to do anything about it stoned drongo clarity is and remains my current bench mark for arse clenching situations and it remains unsurpassed. When the ball missed the poor kid (who remained oblivious to the situation) the rectal relief was like getting to heaven and seeing all of the terrorists in the heaven terrorist gaol who were still pissed off that the seven virgins part actually meant seven silver coins.

Even today, when I think about that moment I still do the unconscious upper body turn to the side, deep breath out and thumb and forefinger rub on the top lip under the nose.

I don’t think my mate even noticed what happened but, it put me off dope for hours.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 6:57, 8 replies)

I had very bad toothache this week.
I went to the dentist, and left without needing any implants or dentures.
That's my real teef.
(speedevil, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 5:27, Reply)

The winter was grey and cold.
The wind blew through the bare branches with a forlorn whispering sound like ghosts trying to tell their lives to the living. Show drifted in small white streaks through the dead grasses and sere frozen landscape. February had the world in its grip.

And yet two months later the barren trees began to turn yellow and pale green as the sun began to warm them once again, the tender shoots emerging from their winter sleep.

Gradually the spring brought a sense of re-leaf.

Yeah, I know it was a bit of a stretch. Let's see you do better.
( Wanderer, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 4:51, Reply)

blah blah blah
had a wank
(Maverickjames 's name is not James, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 2:47, Reply)

So yeah I was on a train or something and...
... rail leaf. Fuck it, you fill in the rest.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 2:00, 4 replies)

I used to work in a specialist waxwork museum dedicated to erstwhile 70s child star Leif Garret.
One day, there was a convoluted series of events that culminated in me meeting the REAL LEIF.
( 4Q just lurking, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 1:25, Reply)

What a relief!
I look like a soldier, but feel like a thief.
(McChinaman banned, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 0:26, Reply)

Golf
As a teenager I liked to whack a golf ball around a bit. I was rubbish. To improve I was practising in my garden by knocking tees out of the ground. In my frustration at not being able to do this well I took an almighty swing and my poor grip gave way, launching the club spinning into the air off towards a neighbours driveway at the back of our house.

There was a very dull noise, no screams, no smashing glass, nothing. I went round to inspect the damage to find said neighbour stood next to his car looking very confused, my golf club next to it and a lond black rubber streak down the bonnet. The club had landed grip first on the car leaving nothing but a bit of rubber and no permanent damage to anything or one. Those 30 seconds before I knew all was OK were horrible, the relief lives with me to this day! (He was unbelievably nice about it and I hold a massive amount of respect for him given the potential of the situation)
(el perro grande, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 0:12, Reply)

( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 23:45, 1 reply)

On my last holiday whilst snorkelling I drifted over a bank of coral that was absolutely full of hundreds of snake-like aquatic creatures.
What an eel reef!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 23:44, 1 reply)

cancer
Thought I had testicular cancer... didn't.

Obviously a huge relief, and not having cancer is the best result - but the actual sensation of "relief" did me no good.

In the period when I feared I had cancer, I became the most motivated man alive: every minute of every day counted, I'd bound out of bed and attack the day early every morning. As soon as I had the all-clear, I lost all motivation again. I had all the time in the world to live life in now, so of course I proceeded to fritter it away with no sense of loss or urgency. Absolutely bloody stupid of me.

Sometimes I wish the Doctor had lied and told me I had an inoperable cancer with no way of telling how long it would be until it flared up and killed me.
( ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 22:18, 5 replies)

Swaddled Bundle
When I was a kid, there was a woman who lived up the road who would sometimes drive speedily past our house. I always tried to keep an eye on her, because one day she drove past topless. You never knew what you might get from her.

One day she drove past, and a baby-sized bundle toppled out of the car, onto the road, in front of our house. I approached the bundle with dread about what I might find.

It was a bundle of swaddling clothes, tied together.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 20 Dec 2012, 22:08, Reply)