Attention seekers;
get your name in the B3ta newsletter by nicking a top tip from Viz and posting it on the near-deserted 'top tips' board.
( Zuowan, Tue 10 Jul 2012, 10:40, Reply)

If you're desperate for a pair of great tits on your fat balls
Put a bird feeder in the garden.
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 16:39, Reply)

Installing a new program?
Rather than just blindly clicking the 'next' box, read each window, and uncheck any boxes that say,'Do you want to install wankbot toolbar for google are twats browser, so we can follow your browsing habits forever?.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 8 Jul 2012, 4:33, Reply)

Picked up a nasty extra toolbar that steals space from your browser window and won't fucking go away?
If you uninstall the toolbar from Windows Control Panel, uninstall the program that it was bundled with and it's STILL FUCKING THERE then try looking in your browsers' 'Tools/Extensions' (Chrome), 'Manage Add-Ons' (I.E.) or 'Tools/Add Ons' (FF) and click the fucker off from there.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 8 Jul 2012, 2:07, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Visiting london for the first time?
unsure what to do when faced with the ticket barrier at the station?
why not form a blockade of people and suitcases across the whole fucking thing, and wait until help arrives?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 6 Jul 2012, 11:20, Reply)

Pot Noodles on the go
Don't pour hot water from your Thermos flask into a pot noodle whilst in a coach on the M6 Toll. It tends to make a bit of a kerfuffle.
( Vambo, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 15:17, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Never try to fart when bursting for a piss.

( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 13:09, Reply)

Always warm the pot first.

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 10:54, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Local newspaper not turned up this week?
Simply pick up a free brochure from outside your local estate agent, insert a handful of old pizza flyers and staple a photo of a mayor crouching over a pothole to the front.
(costas, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 20:50, Reply)

Avoid difficult reversing manoevers when leaving your garage
by driving forwards through the back wall, across your back lawn and through your garden fence.

Extra care should be taken if you have a fish pond or swimming pool.
(username failed moderation, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 14:24, Reply)

When breaking up a concrete driveway or patio,
avoid a tiresome trip to the recycling centre by taking the rubble to the nearest motorway bridge and hurling it into oncoming traffic.
(username failed moderation, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 14:22, Reply)

save money on fuel bills this coming
winter.

Set fire to your neighbours house.
(username failed moderation, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 14:14, Reply)

TV executives - stuck for programme ideas?
Why not get a pretty girl to present some of her favourite, mediocre recipes, in an enthusiastic, slightly patronising manner?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 12:58, Reply)

Pickpockets
Remember to carry scissors in case you encounter someone who's tied their wallet to their trousers with kite string and a carabina.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 10:26, Reply)

Not losing your shit.
Attach your wallet to a strong bit of kite string, and attach the other end a mini-karabiner. Do the same with your keys on another bit of string, and attach them to your trouser belt loops before going out anywhere.

Now you're less likely to leave your important bits and pieces on the table or the floor when you're insensibly drunk, and less likely to get pickpocketed (unless the pickpocket has scissors, the dastard).
( owensanity, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 14:20, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Prevent your penis from wearing out by using your finger instead.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sat 30 Jun 2012, 8:57, Reply)

break all the rules
by putting boiling water into a cup with instant coffee in it. The label clearly states 'hot, NOT BOILING water' on it.

If your kettle has such a thing, set the override switch to 'Not Quite Boiling'
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 29 Jun 2012, 2:31, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Workmen with poor tools.
You're fucked, everyone thinks it's your fault anyway you poor twats.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 21:32, Reply)

Poor workmen - try blaming your tools

( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 21:28, Reply)

Prevent your clothes from wearing out.
Spend all your time naked.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 17:30, Reply)

Men. Don't waste time watching football.
If asked about the match by fellow men the next day, just say 'Yeah, it was a bit pony, wasn't it?', and sit back to watch them sagely nodding.
(username failed moderation, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 14:05, Reply)

Protect your hands when walking on your feet by wearing shoes.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 11:34, Reply)

An 18" by 24" fresnel lens makes one hell of a fire starter.
Especially when focused on dead leaves that have had gasoline dribbled on them while you were cleaning off some tools. From a couple of feet away it makes a great death ray and keeps you out of the fireball that results.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 27 Jun 2012, 20:30, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Protect your shoes and hands
By remaining absolutely motionless at all times.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 19:53, Reply)

Protect your shoes.
By carrying them in your hands when walking on your feet.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 18:50, Reply)

Protect your shoes by carrying them on your feet when walking on your hands.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 13:08, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Protect your hands.
Clad them in shoes before walking on them.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 27 Jun 2012, 13:06, Reply)

Extend the life of your shoes by walking on your hands.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 20:33, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Be scintilating in conversation by regaling compatriots with tales of derring-do.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 16:52, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Things getting boring in the sack, ladies?
Alternate between folding his penis into an origami owl, and trying to drown it like a mangy kitten in a bowl full of melted chocolate. Once the penis is sufficiently owl-shaped and/or conditioned to be terrified of chocolate, play loud Sousa marching music at it while slapping it rhythmically with a fly swatter. If these ministrations haven't brought your man to the highest heights of pleasure, finish off the sexy fun by super-gluing Fruit Loops to his shaft and mailing photos of your art project to Aunt Edna.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 25 Jun 2012, 18:53, 7 replies, latest was 12 years ago)