a guy i knew
in primary school was called stiffy (so young he probabnly had never had one) for some unknown reason.
i move away for five years, come back and see him at a party. "alright stiffy"
he goes absolutely balistic, v. funny.
his really second name is dobby. cant beleive no one has picked up on that.
(woo who?, Fri 19 May 2006, 9:01, Reply)

Obnoxious fat kid
There was a fat obnoxious kid at our school whose surname was Forsyth. He was a right cunt and nobody liked him, so he very quickly became, and stayed, Fatty Fatty Foreskin.
( Noit happy baby orangutan, Fri 19 May 2006, 9:00, Reply)

Daryl!
This isn't really a story of a nickname, but I think I'll include it anyway.

There's a kid called Daryl at my school, he's quite quiet, and not one of the popular kids. Once, in a lesson, he did something or other wrong, cue somebody shouting: "Daryyllll" in a sarcastic tone. This then became the phrase for whenever anything went wrong, ever. If the projector didn't work in assembly? "Darylll".

Anyway, this tomfoolery reached its peak when instead of saying "cheese" for the school photograph, about 800 boys and 200 girls were instructed to say "Daryl".

He is yet to comment.
( Didyoumissme1, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:57, Reply)

just a few
Being quite a fatty, my close friends at infant school amusingly called me Jumbo. Which was nice (not). Since then, we have got more immature, making up long names for short names eg Lee became Leemontrude. My name is Dennis or Den so I became Denjymus, which was eventually shortened again to Denjy.

Conversely to my portly stature, my wife is stick thin and has picked up several nicknames such as "Olive Oil" (popeye's bird). But my favourite was when my brother named her "Joe the Bone" as she had no meat on her. This has stuck and she is now called Bone by many people. She's not best pleased. wimmin eh!
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:56, Reply)

Angus McPoo-Pong McPlop
Way back when, one of my collegemates bought this Ocean Pacific T shirt (remember them?) from a sports shop in town. He wears it once and decides he hates it so takes it back to the shop for a refund.

The shop wouldn't play ball, so in a fit of rage our hero heads to the changing rooms where he unceremoniously punches one out and leaves it there.

Half hour later, the guilt trip sets in especially when we start winding him up about cameras in the changing room and DNA tests. He decides to phone the shop to apologise.

"Sorry, but I've got a bowel complaint. I bent down and it kind of fell out the back!".

The nickname Angus McPoo-Pong McPlop was earned that day.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 19 May 2006, 8:55, Reply)

like ass, but
i was the lone south asian kid in a small canadian town. those of you who know your cricket even vaguely can guess why i was called 'asser' for several painful years.

also, whenever i wanted to annoy my little bro, who has a VERY large head, bordering on hydroencephalitis, i would simply utter the magic phrase 'melonhead', sit back, and watch the show. he's named after a prophet, but prefers Moe (to me, it sounds too much like a Stooge). 'Moe-ham-head' was also a sweet button to push, now that i think of it.

i wear glasses, and after the 'asser' thing got cold, they boiled 'spectacles' down to 'speck', which helped me down the path of burning self-loathing that i carried with me for years.

at work, we called the young, bushy headed dishwasher 'harry potwash' which turned into 'potter'. my wife, who knew him well enough to know better, thought that potter was his last name.

asser asser moe melonhead potters, the lot of you.
(bumchutney, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:52, Reply)

Since age 12
A lad I went to school with has been called “Winnet”

It all came from the fact he could make himself fart, and on a school trip to France he was demonstrating this amazing gift. On hearing a teacher coming to see what was happening (6-7 lads and lasses in a bedroom just before bedtime, basically at the point where they start getting interested in on another. ) he forced a little too hard and shat a pea sized amount on the floor. One swift kick of it under the bed later in front of a shocked group and the nickname was born. He lived with it throughout school.

I’m now 32, and he’s still referred to as “Winnet” whenever we’re reminiscing.
(Pandaemonium, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:50, Reply)

My PE teacher
gets called the Caramel Man by his rugby team-mates. Why? Because he loves himself so much he could eat himself.

Aside from that, I've got a mate who I call Maurice. Its his middle name, and he insists its pronounced "Morris"...despite being spelt Maurice. We also called him Fatty McBuiscuitBalls for a while, only lasted about 6 days though

Currently, I'm being called Jimmy Carr, because I'm a sarcastic bastard. I hate Jimmy Carr. Also, Ian Hislop, because I'm a popular Political Satirist. And I look like him. Despite having hair...
(insanity_on_a_stick RISsing like mad, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:47, Reply)

At the age of five
A kid at my first School was very, very thin we could of called him Skeletor he was that thin. So we decided to call him Porky, you know 'cos he wasn't.
Crap or ironic, you decide.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:47, Reply)

there was a boy at my junoir school called ian who smelt a bit like milk.
so we christened him Ian-the-milk-stinker.
ah, the eloquence of small children.
( Whythebigpaws?, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:40, Reply)

My 2 Dads
My mate Simons mum was so manly looking we used to call him "My 2 Dads" after the popular '80s American sitcom.
(fannyface, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:35, Reply)

I nearly forgot.....
For years, and i do mean years, i have had a nickname. It came about when i was 6/7...i'm 23 now and if i haden't moved to the other end of the country i should imagine it would still be in force. Well, it is, every time i visit my mates.

My name....Chris Pollitt.

My Nickname.....Pod.

Honestlly. My best mans parents call me Pod. I have had (back in the day) girlfriends who had no idea i was called Chris.

Pod?!? WTF?
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:25, Reply)

,
There's a Chinese guy I know whose name is Hui Ding.

They call him "The Gardener".
(CMYK Excess consumption may have a laxative effect, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:24, Reply)

How could I forget...
Poor kid in school. Had huge jam jar glasses and was an albino... Hence the name Albino Owl.

Also my old mate Mark 'GILBERT' Holt... He hated his middle name, so that's what we christened him for about four years in school... even now, when I see him in town, I shout..."GILBERT!!!!"
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:22, Reply)

Unfortunate
I've got a mate called Richard Williams, the nicknames for both of these are used to give Dickbill. No matter how hard you try, everytime you say it, it sounds abusive
(rhyddman, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:21, Reply)

Nevermind Nicknames....
A few yearsback my old man was engaged to this lass who, annoyingly for me (only child) had a son my age. He, for lack of a more PC phrase, was a total twat. I didn't dislike him on the basis that he was upsetting the only-child/father dynamic. He was just a twat.

In fact everyone bar his mother (and secretly i think she did) hated him and probably still do. And his name.....before you even think of a nickname?

Sebastian Peach.

Thats reather unfortunate, even more unfortunate when my aunt gets really pissed off with one one day and screams "Fuck off Sebastitwat!"

God damn, my aunt rocks!
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:19, Reply)

nicknames eh?
At college there was a guy who was just obsessed with computers... morning, noon and night - all he'd talk about was LAN games, clan wars and his position in the UK counter-strike tournaments... So his nicknaming of 'johnny.com' has stuck ever since.

Also this goth guy at our local boozer... his nickname has evolved from 'freaky Dave', to 'scary dave', to 'comedy dave'... and now known as 'strangely dave'.

In our home town we've got of characters such as... '24 hour baz' - a drug dealer, 'mushroom martin' - tripper, 'mad mick' - nutter, 'mad dog' - biker, 'cosmo' - biker, 'balti stu' - curry maker.

Also know three Craig's... little craig, medium craig and big craig... even though medium craig is bigger than big craig, he gets offended if we call him otherwise. Little craig hates being called little craig. great fun if they're all together.

'Landrover stu' - drives a landrover
'big stu' - fatty

There's a guy who I call 'Lee the fish' just cos he prefers to be called 'fishy'...

'Bunsen burner' - a guy with red hair in school many years ago... or 'bunse'

'baldy Neil' - bald.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:18, Reply)

I gave a nickname to a friend
This nickname was 'John'. Because his real name was Protius Duxbury.
(Pachey, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:03, Reply)

"We did that at school!"
My last name is Tomiyama, so one of my more delinquent jr. high classmates came up with "Told my mama," (pronounced inner-city style "tol' mah mamah" ) but it didn't really catch on.

I've got two friends named Bonnie (three actually, but the third one dosen't know the other 2) and they've gone by Bon-Bon and Bonnie&Clyde in school.
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Fri 19 May 2006, 8:02, Reply)

The Thrush
There's a chap at work who goes by that name.

He's an irritating cunt.
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 19 May 2006, 7:57, Reply)

Oh my god.
I just remembered.

I'm not sure how it started, I'll try finding out and getting back to this, but we had this kid at school. Fairly early on in his school-life I think he got the nickname "Whacka". By about year 10, his nickname had become a cult. During classes and things, people would say it quietly and gradually build up to yelling "WHACKA!!!!" as loud as they could. All to chubby Whacka smiling in the back row.

By our last year it had gotten insane. There was now an official pronounciation. "WwwwwwwwwwwwwwhACKA!" is what it sounded like.

Groups of people would organise, during official assemblies, graduation dinners, anything and everything formal, informal, sporting events with other schools for gold cups and things, to yell it out. "Let us sing the school hymn before quietly exiting via the back entrances and not to disturb our guests." "Wwwwwwwhacka!!!!!!". This in a school of several thousand, often up to a few hundred would be yelling it out.

I don't think many of the younger ones ever understood. Exchange students and visitors must have been horrified.

WwwwwwwhACKA!!!!
(riedacher_bertram, Fri 19 May 2006, 7:55, Reply)

.
My surname is Archer so of course I was known throughout school as 'Farcher'.

Side note: we once had a teacher called Mr Arblaster, we used to taunt him by saying "Arm Blaster", as in Transformers. It wasn't till a few months ago (something like 15 years since I finished school) that I suddenly realised we could have called him Arseblaster. Fuck.
(Brundy, Fri 19 May 2006, 7:53, Reply)

I was in a remand centre for a few months

For trying to set fire to something. We used to get to watch videos as long as they weren't porn...curse the day we got 'Backdraft'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 19 May 2006, 7:47, Reply)

Touretts
A kid I used to go to school with had Touretts Syndrome (the funniest af all disorders I must ad, who said god didn't have a sense of humour!). When he forgot to take his medication he would come out with a long whining sound with some hissing (piss funny when ur 14), Some genius decided to dub him The Hyena. He is still referred to as The Hyena to this day.

The poor MUTHER FUCKING CUNT!!!! um I mean bloke.
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Fri 19 May 2006, 7:46, Reply)

Racial slurs
When I was in grade eight my best friend was a really really dumb guy named Chris. His only real talent was coming up with nicknames for people.

We had a Chinese friend named Kenny. After we saw the Weird Al movie UHF, Chris nicknamed Kenny "Koony," after the Japanese character in UHF. He hated it at first but grew to accept it. It stuck around for a long time.

About five years later I discovered that it's an obscure racial slur for Asians. By then it was his name and it was too late.

I remember the last time I used it, we were in a supermarket. I called "Hey Koony!" and an elderly Chinese woman looked at me, startled. I never used it again.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 19 May 2006, 7:43, Reply)

A Few
I know someone called "Pigsy" - dunno why he's called that.

I also know someone called "Krak" - his name is honestly "Mike Krack", unfortunate but true.

Additionally, i know someone called Lizzard John - but i happen to think thats quite a good nickname
(Nyphur, Fri 19 May 2006, 7:38, Reply)

Antipodean nicknames
I work as an Administrator at an Aussie Rugby League club, and although the players aren't exactly known for their wit, nicknames are a forte.

One of the halfbacks is known as "xmas stocking" because he is full of shit and overrated.
The best though, is their nickname for one of our female office staff "lobster". She is a larger girl, and one drunken night the entire forward pack explained to me "It's lobster, cos the meats in the arse and the heads full of shit". Charming.....
Luckily as the token English guy I just get "Pommie Bastard", which is quite tame and almost a badge of office. Could be much much worse.
(airliebird Has now found Twiglets in Sydney!!!!!!! yay!, Fri 19 May 2006, 7:16, Reply)

Not the worst nickname ever, but I have the sad name of Simon. Leading with "Simon Says" (1st grade), then "Simon, Alvin, Theodore" (3rd grade). Next was "Simon and Garfunkel" (6th grade), Simian (8th grade, and wittiest by far) and last year someone figured Simon, gee, that sounds similar to semen.

The worst thing is meeting people, eventually they realize one of the above and say it thinking "Man, I must be the first person in the world to ever think that. I am ever so witty."

I feel sorry for the kid who wore a leather jacket for about a week. I took to calling him Fonzie and would do the thumb-eeeehhh thing whenever I saw him. One of the Fonz's friends had the last name Polly, leading to very kneejerk nicknames. He never did want that cracker.
(The If has remembered this site., Fri 19 May 2006, 7:12, Reply)

Oh yeah...
I was also repeatedly called Angela Anaconda.
That show rocks though...proud of that one:)
(gingerdeadgirl, Fri 19 May 2006, 7:09, Reply)

Deprived
I have spent my whole life as a fat, four-eyed ginger and yet no one ever gave me a nickname. Except, briefly and fairly affectionately, Monster. Which I thought lacked imagination.
One of my friends, though, acquired the splendid nicknames "Helix Daunting" and "Owlets Denuding" after an accident with a spellchecker. He seemed pleased.
(scuttlefish is drifting into the arena of the unwell, Fri 19 May 2006, 7:08, Reply)