Went to university
3 years of study, £10k of debt. Piece of paper I've never needed to use.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:37, 6 replies)

I lost my phone...
One night I was being dropped off at home by a few mates after quite a heavy night drinking. After fumbling around for my keys, I realised that my phone wasn't in the pocket where I usually keep it. Hoping that I'd left it in the car, as opposed to losing it in the pub, I quickly rang my friends who were at that very minute speeding away. The conversation went something like:

"Hi"
"Hi, have I left my phone in the car, cos I don't have it?"
"What are you speaking to me on?"
"Shit"
( Furness, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:37, 1 reply)

This one is REALLY dumb!

At a works Xmas do a couple of years ago, my kind bosses had taken us all for a nice meal at a very nice Chinese restaurant on the outskirts of Leeds.

The wine was flowing freely and there was a free bar and everyone was quite merry and in the Christmas spirit, when towards the end of the evening the gentleman who plays Eric Pollard in Emmerdale came into the restaurant for a meal.

I’m a sucker for a bet and my colleagues know this only too well. They decided that it would be a good idea to dare me to ask Mr. Pollard to sign my breasts.

Full of booze and confidence I did just that and there and then he did just that!

My colleagues were all doubled over and took lots of pics. The sad thing is at the time I was really proud of myself and messaged my rocker boyfriend and all my pals thinking it was proper Rock and Roll!

The next day I awoke with a sinking feeling because having Eric Pollard from Emmerdale sign your breasts is probably the most un rock and roll thing in the whole wide world and I had told EVERYBODY!!

The worst thing is that when I returned to work the following Monday my work colleagues took glee in informing me that he was out for a family meal with his wife and kids!!!

OOOHHH THE SHAME!!!!!!!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:37, 3 replies)

Fun with a pick axe
Mrs Wooden Meal wanted the garden done up, so me and my dad decided to really throw ourselves into it one weekend.

Concrete was ripped out, shed demolished, patio put down, pagoda in. All that remained was to get rid of a couple of small brick walls.

My dad starts off on one wall, using a pick axe to chip out the mortar and was making great progress.

It being my brand new pick axe, I wanted to have a go to. Dad asks the important question "do you know how to use that properly?"

Being smug I told him of course I did, I'd watched people mining on TV and allsorts.

I take one all mighty swing straight at the wall... spang, off shots a piece of stone...

Suddenly I'm rolling round on the floor clutching my face like I've been shot. Worried family members run over to find the stone chip had hit me straight in the eye.

Luckily the hospital is a 3 minute walk away and so off I stumble being blindly led by the wife.

Did I get any sympothy for being hit in the eyeball by anyone? No. Doctor thought I was a pillock for not wearing goggles. Wife thought I was a pillock for not wearing goggles. Nurse thought I was a pillock as she poured eyedrops into my eye to stop the swelling and told me to wear goggles in the future for all DIY.

Got home and my dad just looked at me shook his head with disappointment... and passed me the pick axe to have another go.

I decided to lay down at this part. Luckily it was only lense scratching and it looked far worse than it was.
(Wooden meal is. Or is he?, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:35, Reply)

angelica666 reminded me....
I poked myself in the eye with a toothbrush once, whilst brushing my teeth.

I do not know how. Maybe I got carried away.

Toothpaste in the eye really burns.
(FerretTrout be illin', Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:34, 2 replies)

Posted this before...
I stupidly got drunk, went to a guys house that I just met,(and he was a bouncer). Got there and decided I really didn't want to sleep with him and burst into tears. I am soooo not the tearful type. Very lucky for me he wasn't the raping type.
( girlinthehole, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:31, Reply)

I once
bought a computer from ********* and it turned out to be utter crap. Powerful Graphic Card crashes when playing movies trough my internet brouser as well as random fps drops when playing comupter games. HD keeps crashing (on 3rd in 5 months) and the sound card is not recognised by any of it;s "official" drivers". As well as the case fan so badly fitted it needs a piece of cardboard to stop it rattling.
Not going to say who. If you really want to know then go check a little rant I had on the talk board a while back.


Also got drunk several times and threw up/ tried to get run over/woke up next to something that belongs in the museum of failed evolutions/got kicked out of a club for some silly reason/broke something expensive that didn;t belong to me/threw up even more/ add more answers here
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:28, 1 reply)

seemed okay at the time
i slept in wythenshaw park manchester after/during a night out whilst waiting for the first train home at 7am.

turns out its probably one of the dodgiest murderous parks in the kingdom.

the same night, i availed a lad with a funny story about our evening. We ate dinner at a curry house called the Gaylord in the middle of manchester. I found that funny. I had no idea however that the chap i was talking to was queer as queer could be. My friends saw where my punchline was going, and slowly left to go to the toilets to leave me with a massive "ta-daaa" moment with my pukka funny tale. His sense of humour was not as good as his sense of colours.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:27, 3 replies)

Itching my testes...
... in a flicking motion...

I flicked my balls.

It hurt.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:22, 3 replies)

coathanger
I managed to stab myself in the eye with a coathanger. That was pretty fucking dumb
(angelica666, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:19, 2 replies)

MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHING PIZZA RIDDLE
Sorry ‘bout this but they just keep coming!

A few years back I got back to my Mums house from a night on the pish and decided to make some food. I was pretty trashed and it was more day than night after a heavy night out clubbling.

I decided a pizza would do the job and duly made the pizza, took the pizza up to bed and than ate the pizza.

I was woken a few hours later by the sound of my angry Mother shouting and telling me to get my ass downstairs straight away.

She was in the kitchen and not very happy at all about the charcoal reamins of pizza under the grill.

Now, this was very confusing to me as I remember taking the pizza upstairs and eating it.

I took my Mum upstairs and showed her my empty plate and explained that I had no idea how the charcoal pizza got there.

Thinking back, the only explanation is that I was so wankered from my nights antics that I came home, put a pizza under the grill, took my empty plate upstairs and imagined eating the pizza. My friends still take the piss now.

But then again - Who turned the grill off and how come the house didn’t set on fire if I had left the pizza there and taken an empty plate upstairs?

I guess I'll never know.
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:17, 4 replies)

Stabbed Myself In The Leg For A Bet
Thats pretty much it really, still I "won" £5 and 8 stitches.


oh and a scar.
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:17, Reply)

Chemistry sets for kids
Not as popular as they once were, I had a JohhnY Ball endorsed chem set.

AFter completing most of the tasks int he book, and having no real inclination to take matters further, I put a spoonful of each of the things I had left into a test tube, half filled with water, stuck a cork in, and heated over a bunsen burner.

about 15 seconds later, the kitchen ceiling, along with most of the kitchen, was covered in a very nasty brown *substance*.

The ceiling stain was never successfully removed, despite several coats of thick white paint.
( Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Czech Tequila Madness
Several years ago I went with a large group to the drinking mecca of Prague, Czech Republic when it was still dirt cheap.
After what can only be described as 10 pints of strong foaming Czech lager, we retired to another bar where we commenced with the drinking of tequila, with me literally throwing them down my swollen neck at the rate of about one a minute.

By now it was about 5.00pm...

I have little recollection of anything resembling reality until I awoke.
I opened my encrusted drunken eyes to see a strange sight - a toothless Tramp's face grinning at me from a bed opposite.

Strange I thought, don’t remember this chap being in my hotel room yesterday…

He gurgled something awful at me.

I thought at this point I should get up and see what the hell was going on - that’s when I realised I was strapped to the bed by my wrists in some perverse leather buckled thing.
The confusion of this was confounded by the realisation that I was, in fact naked, wearing a kind of paper smock that exposed my miniature cock and balls, and clearly in what looked like some kind of Psychiatric ward.

Odd, I thought…

I immediately strated screaming as the tramp chortled and spluttered at me until some orderly wih no grasp of the english language came and released me from my shackles. All I could think of at this point was I need a piss, so instinctively found the toilet and let forth a torrent of sweet urine that I swear must have lasted about fifteen minutes.
Feeling refreshed I sat back on my new bed and wondered what to do next, I needn't have worried as in through the door waddled a massivley overweight Matron flanked by two dead eyed flunkies and brandishing a large squirting syringe saying the word "Veetamin…"
Despite my protestations, they expertly flipped me over and plunged the needle into the soft flesh of my poor young buttock as I wept tears of shame.

Shortly after they flung some sodden rags at me which I eventually discovered were my puke soiled clothes and I dressed. Somehow my wallet and watch must have accidently been misplaced as they seemed to know nothing of their whereabouts...
I was interogated in Czech for some time as the worst hangover of all time screamed inside my skull, before being marched out by two mulleted undercover policemen into a van with lots of evil looking people with scars in handcuffs and driven back to my hotel….Frighteningly about fifty miles away...

When I eventually got back to safe ground, Euro-Crockett and Tubbs marched me to my worried friends hotel room and demanded "Two hundred Pounds"
I almost shat at this point because it was the first day of a two week holiday and I really couldn’t afford it…luckily we soon realised they were in fact demanding "Two hundred Crowns" which was about four quid.

I gingerly checked my rinse hole for signs of intrusion and was relieved to find nothing overtly abnormal.

Apparently I had tried to kill my girlfriend and shat in a pint glass amongst other things...

Length - two weeks of wondering if I had been probed.
(wrigglesworth, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:09, 1 reply)

New Year 1999/2000
Drinking a pint of G&T was not the wisest thing I've ever done.

Far too much tonic.

Yes. That must have been the problem.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:08, 3 replies)

ahhh, Christmas Parties. It was only last week too...
Christmas Party, all the posh people from my work, free wine.

Glass of white wine. Yum. And another. yum. Then 2 together. Yummy. Then another 5 or 6. Yaaa! I love wine. More white wine! Get in! Look, white wine on another table - get it! yeaa!! Drinking from the bottle now! more whi.... oh. We've run out. Yaaaa RED Wine and.....

SYSTEM ERROR - EJECT AND SHUTDOWN

I woke up 1 hour later in a small white room. I have never puked so HIGH up a cubicle wall in my life. On all 4 walls of the cubicle actually. Plus the ceiling. Yet i remained relativley unscathed. Did i have a sprinkler attached to my mouth? The red wine puke made it look like someone had slit their wrists.

So. White Wine + Red Wine - dumb, dumb, dumb.
(TheManofScience, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:06, Reply)

Staplers are bad, m'kay?
Reallywittyname reminded me:

I was on the phone to a customer who was taking a long time finding out when they were going to pay us and as a result got bored and decided to fiddle with office equipment, rubber bands etc. I spied a shiny stapler and start to play with it, pushing it down slowly to make staples come out funny shapes etc. Then (I don't know why) I put my thumb underneath (what is it about stapling thumbs?) and decided to see how hard a staple can come out. This was just as the customer returned to the phone to tell me that they would be paying shortly. "Ok, thankyou" was my teary eyed reply before I hung up quickly, scurrying away to find the first aid box before anyone saw my slightly bleeding (but very painful) thumb in order to put a plaster on so nobody would ask me how I did it.
(Evilweevil is covered in bees, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:02, 2 replies)

AND ANOTHER.....
I must admit that I am really naive and will believe just about anything that anyone says. This works against me quite a lot and it really did when I was about 13. I had just started upper school and really liked a particular boy so when he produced a cable tie in a round circular fashion and asked me to put my finger in it `because it tingled', I did! I had never seen a cable tie before and I guess I kind of knew it wouldn't tingle but I didn't want to look silly in front of this guy so I did as he asked and put my finger in. The tight bastard pulled the cable tie together and ran off laughing!!! I had to run all the way home with my fingers turning purple and blue. When I got home my Dad went crazy, called me a stupid cow and cut it off with a really big kitchen knife which was scary as fook. By coincidence, the guy that did that to me is now dead. Karma me thinks. ;o)
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 14:00, 1 reply)

Getting a tattoo.
Or rather, getting a tattoo in a grotty studio above an off-licence.
In the grottiest part of Stoke.
Which had people wandering in and out of the bogs clutching little packets of powder.
From a tattooist who thought sticking his needle into a cup of washing up liquid was a good way to sterilise it.
And who turned out to be rubbish.
If I ever get hold of a time machine I'm going back to visit me at age 20 and give myself such a shoeing.
(Big D, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:58, 4 replies)

Dumb kid
When i was about 9 I got stuck up a tree (actually wedged in stuck, not just scared like a cat stuck). The fire brigade were called to rescue me.

When I was 14 I had a pair of Doc Martin steel toecapped boots. I didn't like the yelow thread on the bottom so spent ages cutting it off. It turns out that yellow thread isn't just there for decoration, it holds the sole on.

Just a couple of years ago I was walking home drunk in the middle of winter down a long and dark country lane. I decided to spark up a cigarette for warmth, turning my back against the oncoming wind. Cigarette lit, I carried on walking the way I was facing. Back in to town and where I'd just come from. I nearly cried when I got in 2 hours later than planned, frozen and drunk and really angry with myself for being such a doombrained eejit.
(fatcock has decided to be more mysterious.....or has he?, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:54, Reply)

PLAIN STUPID!!!
When I was about 18 and a complete drunken fool,I staggered out of a Bradford nightclub and into Thornton Road in the early hours searching in vain for a taxi home. Back then Thornton Road was a notorious kerb crawling area so this was a pretty stupid thing to do! I was truly sozzled after a night full of booze and mind altering substances. God or The Devil or somebody must have been watching over me that night because low and behold a car picked me up took me home. When I woke the next day I couldn't help but think what a complete stupid cow I had been! The odds of climing into a car in a kerb crawling area at that time of night and it being a taxi and it taking me home safely are incredibly slim. Only a few years ago a prostite was murdered around the corner from there. Silly drunken bum I am! NEVER AGAIN PEEPS!!!
( DUMBLONDE is a rubber lover girl, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:51, 3 replies)

Green channel, Heathrow customs.
Customs man: And where have you arrived from today, Sir?
Me: Um, Colombia. Bogotà."
CM: And how long were you there?
Me: Oh, a little under 24 hours, I think. I'm sorry - I really am in no state to answer questions coherently.
[pause]
CM: Step this way, please, Sir...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:49, Reply)

I've said it before...
but without doubt the most minding numbingly stupidest thing I've ever done is to hit a blank bolt-gun bullet with a hammer when I was about 14, I now have reduced hearing in my right ear and got a peice of shrapnel stuck in my thumb bone (which didn't hurt at all) that I had to get out myself with a scalpel and tweezers.

It still stuns me to this day why on earth I did it!!!

I'm not normally such a Kluts.

Happy Christmas!
(cherry B, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:47, Reply)

My Dad said
"Pull my finger!" I did.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:46, Reply)

Brake broke
Not me but a mate (why do the stupidest ones start with that? It really wasn't me, but I'd hesitate to call the guy a mate) once decided to repair the leaky air brake unit on a truck we were using.

Now, for those that don't know, the air brakes on lorries (that "TSSSSCHH" when they stop at lights) use compressed air to hold the brakes *off*, with a big strong spring holding the brake *on*. Think how hard you have to press the brake on a car for an emergency stop, and now imagine how strong the spring needs to be to do this for a truck...

Four bolts, the air pipe and a little pin for the linkage, and he's got the brake unit off. It's one of those things you see beside the back wheels of trucks, about the size of a soup pot. It's mostly full of spring. I did mention the big strong spring, didn't I? Between the "lid" and the "pot" is a rubber sheet which keeps the air in, and this had split. Genius-boy decides that this can be stuck back together with silicone sealant. To do this, he's got to take the "lid" off the "pot". So they're held together with a metal band around the rim, held tight by a bolt. Out comes the bolt, off comes the band, and it pops apart but is held in place by the big nut in the middle.

The big nut that hold in the spring. I did mention the really big, really strong spring, didn't I?

So, he starts to undo the nut. While standing right in front of the unit. Another mate saw him doing this just as the nut was holding on by its last half-turn, and shouted at him to get out of the way. As Genius-boy turned to see who was shouting, the nut popped off, and lid, diaphragm, and great big spring shot across the workshop and out the door, missing him by a hair.

Length? It buried itself 200 yards away...
(gordonjcp, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:46, Reply)

I once dropped....
...a toothpaste lid down my sink, which proceeded to get annoyingly jammed half way down on the way into the u-bend.

After placing a bucket under the unscrewable cap and removing it - I tried to 'flush' the lid through with lots of water.

Several minutes passed before, with the aid of a long knife, I was able to get it through the pipe and into the bucket.

Satisfied with my work, I promptly emptied the water from the bucket.

Into the sink.

Of which I hadn't put the u-bend cap back on.
(gin'll fix it, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:45, 2 replies)

Kids
I knocked up a lesbian on the other side of the world.

Not the smartest thing I've done!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:42, 6 replies)

When I was twelve
It hadn't been long since I'd learned to ride a bike (I was a late learner and also a lazy bugger), and at my mate's 12th birthday party, we were playing a game which involved riding a bike down the hill by his house to see who could travel fastest.

OK, but there were a number of issues with this bike, which would have put off any sensible person from riding it. But not us dumb kids.

It had two soft tyres.
The front brake sort of worked. The rear one had a broken lever, so was actuated by pulling on the cable, the end of which was tied round the chassis (this was not an effective retardation mechanism).
The handlebars were loose.

But it did have a working speedometer.

So the plan was, we cycled up the top of the hill (fortunately this was out in the country, so car-free), and free-wheeled down again, shouting out the speed as we passed the house.

On my turn, I just got past his house, when...wobble...wobble....crash!

Off I came, onto a tarred but rough road. I bashed a dent in my forehead, smashed my two front teeth, took half the skin off my hands and had an enormous gash in my knee through which my kneecap was poking. Fortunately the latter was, and has remained, entirely painless. I only noticed it when a pool of blood appeared around my right foot.

To this day, I have a bash on my head, a scar on my knee and crowned teeth.

One bit of good news though - I was fastest!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:42, Reply)

I managed to violently render my self unconscious at my own house warming party.
I get the feeling that alcohol is going to play a large part in this QOTW...

Student days again. I’d just moved in to a house with Rob and Phil (this would be late 1988) and we decided to have a house warming party. As it was a cause for celebration, we all skived off for the day, and at around 10 am cracked open some cans. Followed by some more. And some more. Various friends, most of whom were not at college with us and so had to travel a bit, started turning up around mid morning, armed with sleeping bags, bottles, cans and other mood-enhancing substances.

Things were going well – myself, Rob and Phil nodded to each other, in silent reflection that this was going to be a party to remember. Did I mention that we had a live band scheduled to play in our front room? No? A live band, in a thin-walled terraced house. On reflection I can see why the neighbours were so utterly pissed off with us that night. But that’s not important right now.

The combination of (a) being a skinny 17 year old, (b) having very little to eat, if anything, and (c) spending all day on the piss meant that by around 8.30 pm, I was supremely trousered, but not in a twattish way. I don’t get aggressive, abusive or nasty, just giggly, stupid and usually end up falling asleep at some point. Anyway, more guests were arriving, and I was mingling, chatting (actually, probably slurring incoherently) and generally enjoying myself. I wandered into the bathroom, where a small group were huddled. Why the bathroom I don’t know.

In my stupor, I hadn’t spotted that a towel was lying discarded on the floor. A wet towel. I stepped on it, somehow my feet got entangled and I slipped forward, cracking my shins off the edge of the bath, which caused me to plunge headfirst into the tub. But being so utterly spakkered, I didn’t feel anything. As I drunkenly hauled myself into an upright position, one of the guests, concerned at my wellbeing, took one look at my blood-spattered mouth and shrieked “Shit! He’s coughing up blood, he’s coughing up blood”!

This took a couple of seconds to filter through. I’m no doctor, but surely coughing up blood is something to worry about? Alcohol fuelled panic began to course through my veins, the adrenalin kicked in, and I scrambled my way out of the bath…

…To slip once more on the same wet towel, which sent me headfirst again, but this time into the bathroom wall. Apparently I hit the wall with a sickening thud, my head bounced off it and jerked backwards, and there I was, sparked out totally on the bathroom floor with a small group of pissed and tripping teenagers panicking around me.

Two hours later I woke up in hospital, having had my stomach pumped, with some close friends by my bedside. The blood had turned out to be from where I had bust my lip on impact with the bathtub. The party carried on regardless, and I returned to it at around midnight, cracked open a can and carried on as if nothing had happened.

I look back on this and realise that starting drinking at 10am without any food is not really a sensible thing to do. So now I ensure that I’ve had a good hearty breakfast, and wait until 11.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 20 Dec 2007, 13:41, 5 replies)