the walking pants
had to share a room with a complete munter who brought one pair of knickers* for a 2-week holiday. she stayed in bed most of the time, stunk the room out and never washed.
i slept on the balcony.

*they ended up in the bin, i think they walked there by themselves out of desperation
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 27 Jul 2015, 16:27, 5 replies)

The time I went to Salou in the late eighties at the time they were dumping raw sewage onto the beach and sea. There were outbreaks of typhoid. At least one dead person found floating in hotel swimming pool. Giant rats inhabited the beach. It didn't help that I was with an utter twonk. For some reason that escapes me I decided to learn to windsurf. The horror of dunking into this sewage mess sped up the learning of the standing on the board bit no end. There was a certain corner in town refereed to as 'pooh corner'. I believe raw sewage was running down the streets. We arrived in a thunderstorm, it was pissing down most of the time and flooding. At the airport they were selling 'I was there in the scare' T shirts.
(maggied Riding the Gravy Train on, Mon 27 Jul 2015, 15:53, 6 replies)

That time we lost nan...
Ibiza. Those of you familiar with the island may have heard of the 'hippy market' near Es Canar. It's a bazaar of shit trinkets and wooden toss carved by stoned, sandal-wearing Spaniards.
Decided to visit the market with my mother and my grandmother and various other family members. About half way around we lost dear old nan and decided we might as well continue around quickly and try and find her back near the entrance.
We did find her at the entrance, she was sat with some of the stoned sandal-wearing Spaniards absolutely stoned off her beak and requesting that we go back to my uncles gaff for massive amounts of lemonade. Rock on old bat.
(Daleus, Mon 27 Jul 2015, 13:48, 6 replies)

I went to Rhodes last year
After some amateur Indiana Jonesing in the caves beneath the Lindos Acropolis I found a smallish rock with YIUX carved into it, which my friend identified as a shot from one of the Rhodian slingers (dating from between 400-100BC) - YIUX translates as "Look out!" so it's the ancient world's equivalent of writing "Have a nice day" on the side of a bomb.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 27 Jul 2015, 12:45, 7 replies)

Cliff Richard is a cross dressing pederast who used to frequent Elm Guest House.
Just sayin'.
(Good evening Good evening, Mon 27 Jul 2015, 11:49, 6 replies)

I'm not a summer person
When the temps get over 20 degrees I get moody and uncomfortable; when it hits 25 degrees I develop a perpetual sheen of sweat that makes me look like I use Pledge as a deodorant. When it hits 30 I turn briefly into a drooling retard before collapsing in the heat.

Which is why I spent my last summer holiday in Norway. In late May winter is only just starting to fade away, and there are still huge piles of snow up in the mountains. It's the perfect time to go scrambling around the craggy cliffs that make up the western fjords.

The best one, and arguably Norway's premium tourist location, is Preikestolen. It's 600metres straight down to the fjord below:

And as REM sang, that's me in the corner...
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 27 Jul 2015, 7:37, 12 replies)

I live in the Peak District and am skint, so my holidays usually consist of a day out on the bus, then I go home, watch films and smoke joints, mostly
I did go to Berlin for a week last year though. Amazing place. If you ever fancy a few days in a city, I can't recommend it enough.

Cheap beer, art everywhere, great food, free stuff to do on every street and everyone speaks English.
(Porcupine, Sun 26 Jul 2015, 16:53, Reply)

Going abroad
Whenever I go to another country (Sri Lanka, Cambodia, Thailand) I invariably find "British pubs" full drunks bellowing over AC/DC with a pint of Guinness clutched in one hand whilst trying to pull any woman they can. It's gotten to be a bit of a stereotype:



It's almost comforting to know that there are some constants in the world. Drunken British, drunken and surly Russians and surly Germans who may or may not be drunk are to be found the world over, with rather glum locals serving them.

Cheers!
( Wanderer, Sun 26 Jul 2015, 12:13, 5 replies)

Muhhhhhhhh
Fijians aren't known for their political correctness. I remember resort staff strapping Japanese deaf-mutes into parasails and hooting with delight when they shot 50 feet into the air. In particular they found the "Muhhhh" sound the deaf-mutes were making (which could have been exhilaration or pure terror) sidesplittingly funny, and with tears in their eyes would imitate the sound to each other while they were hauling their guests back down.
(mudskipper, Sun 26 Jul 2015, 9:21, 4 replies)

Hello my name is Jacob dyer. I sound like barnaby bear. I like barnaby bear. I live in Bristol. It is fantastic. One time I went to France. Some kid burned my neck. I didn't like it.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 25 Jul 2015, 22:51, 2 replies)

Do you need your ex husband or lover urgently? ?
My name is Natalie Vanheers from the United States of America and am here to share a testimony i would please want you to read careful. I was married for seventeen years until misfortune came in. My husband and i were living happily with our children and enjoyed the company of each other. Our eldest daughter eloped with her boyfriend and this cost my husband his job because he could no longer concentrate on his job and this almost tore our home apart. My husband lost his job and we were living on the little income i was making from my cabbage. This really tormented our home cos my husband loves her more than our other kids. I tried all i could do to make my husband happy even when i wasn't happy. This happened for sometime and he had cardiac arrest. We spent virtually all the money we had and still the condition did not improve. I was left with no choice than to sell the stuffs in our house, I was able to realise some money which was spent on his medical bills. I did this for a while until we had no money on us again. We came home and was hoping he could get better. He continued like that for some months and we decided to seek for solution else where. I went online where i met many self acclaimed doctors and spell casters but none could help. I then came across this particular caster whose testimonies i have read. His name is Dr.Holiday he promised to help and he did in a way i find very surprising to explain. He told me that he would cast some spells to make my daughter come back and to get my husband his job back. It was like an impossible task. But with the help and intervention of this prophet of GOD, my daughter came back home and saw her dad was sick and she cried and asked for forgiveness. My husband after a week became whole again and another spell was cast to get him his job back. Like a dream it happened. My daughter is back home and my loving husband is well again and now has his job back. So good people of the world i want you to help me in saying a big thank you to Dr.Holiday for his intervention. This is one Dr i will seriously recommend for anyone with issues of such nature or any other problem. Simply contact him on his email via [email protected]
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 25 Jul 2015, 1:13, 3 replies)

Don't let the buffalo stop you
I got tired driving to distant Yellowstone Park in Wyoming, USA, so when I finally got there, I was just plain tired. I got out of the car and started walking across the parking lot towards the Visitor's Center in a fatigued haze.

Just then, I noticed tourists reacting to some sort of inscrutable drama. They were all lined up on a wooden walkway and squinting into their cameras, and lifting them to their faces. I could feel the excitement building as they leaned forward against a railing. Transfixed by the sight, I looked over my shoulder and stared at them, but continued walking across the parking lot towards the Visitor's Center. After a few moments, I lost interest in their building excitement, turned around to face the direction I was walking, and stopped.

I was face-to-face with a bison. Close enough to kick it with my stubby legs. Unbeknownst to me, several bison were eating grass from the under the mottled shadows of the pine trees in the parking lot medians. The drama the tourists was watching was of some fool tourist walking purposefully, if distractedly, right into the face of one of them. A perfect picture!

Bloody bison gorings happen with some regularity at the park, usually as the result of summertime tourist harassment, but I caught this bison by surprise, since my approach had been so swift, direct, and inexplicable. We both blinked at each other, and I slowly backed away. A groan of disappointment rose from the tourists watching with bated breath. Such a spectacular picture, ruined.....

Bastards....
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 25 Jul 2015, 0:07, 4 replies)

A biblical wise man once bunged part of his gift to the baby jesus in my face, together with some spiky ornamental plants.
The whole thing left me rather perplexed and confused I can tell you. That was deffo some myrrh holly daze.
( broadsword w⚓, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 20:53, 2 replies)

I spent a week in Iceland
The one on Albion Street in Oldham.
(Bob the Builder killed Captain Alex, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 19:25, Reply)

I live in Bristol and it's fantastic - can't fault it. I did however on one occasion in the past take a holiday. I didn't want to go too far afield, so I settled on France. All was going well until for reasons I have still to fathom, a child attempted to set fire to my neck. I can assure you it wasn't an enjoyable experience and frankly it ruined my holiday.
( vladimir, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 19:05, 4 replies)

We used to to France as a family for two weeks every summer.
I used to like the bread and sausages.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 18:06, 8 replies)

I go every year to Ib3tha for my holidays.
If it wasn't for me it would be dead on its arse.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 24 Jul 2015, 18:02, Reply)

I'm on holiday right now.
Roughly 4000 weeks.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 16:55, 3 replies)

Pearoast
I once saw a couple having sex
Outside.

So did everyone else so it seemed when i turned my head to see everyone on their balconies gawping.

So did everyone around the pool...

Did I mention it was Magaluf, in the height of summer? Did I mention it was about 2pm, or that it was on a walkway above the main high street...

Or that they were screaming love noises...?

Although bless'em, they did have the courtesy to stop when a couple tried to walk past. Then they carried on oblivious. Interspersed with her turning round and giving him a blowy.

It attracted some sort of horrified interest. All whilst this is going on kids with armbands running past me... playing games around the pool. Really very strange afternoon that.

Best part... when they finished they both kissed and headed off in different directions...

Through the magic of google here is that balcony:

https://www.google.co.uk/maps/place/07181+Magaluf,+Illes+Balears,+Spain/@39.506483,2.533162,3a,75y,85.56h,78.29t/data=!3m7!1e1!3m5!1sF09LO-SB2Ue8C3J6h8btKQ!2e0!6s%2F%2Fgeo1.ggpht.com%2Fcbk%3Fpanoid%3DF09LO-SB2Ue8C3J6h8btKQ%26output%3Dthumbnail%26cb_client%3Dmaps_sv.tactile.gps%26thumb%3D2%26w%3D100%26h%3D80%26yaw%3D117.15707%26pitch%3D0!7i13312!8i6656!4m2!3m1!1s0x12978936c043e1ed:0xa02af717f574260!6m1!1e1
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 14:56, 11 replies)

Going to Canadialand in a few weeks
Looking forward to messing around with speedboats, jetskis, trucks, quadbikes, a (small, propeller) plane, fishing, canoeing, exploring abandoned goldmines, the great outdoors and all that.

Not quite looking forward as much to all the attendant mozzies (or skeeters, as they're called there), woodticks or the slim possibility of being eaten by a bear.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 12:38, 17 replies)

MC Miker G
I somehow (long story) managed to score a free 2 week holiday in Magaluf in the early 90's. The bloke financing it was a bit down one night because the woman he fancied at the hotel bar kept rejecting him (he looked a bit like Rod Hull) .. one night we were sat on our ground level balcony when an attractive woman about his age walked past so I invited her in to join us for a drink. He got shot down but was good enough not to resent me and her spending a very sexy night together .. and the next day and so on. A highlight was her daughter after one sesh saying "Mummy, your chin's peeling" .. no, it wasn't dried skin. She wanted that quote printed on a T-Shirt but I doubt her also cheating husband would have understood.
(Swafty, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 12:18, 5 replies)

I've convinced some other bloke to waste his money on a ticket to Columbia
I've convinced him I'm a woman who wants to cheat on her husband, I've told him I made up a sick aunt story to tell my "husband". In reality I'm going to stay home alone and do my own thing (smoke joints and watch films, mostly).
( Peej, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 11:50, 4 replies)

i've gone on holiday to colombia for an affair with a married woman
her idiot husband think's she's visiting a sick aunt
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 11:31, 2 replies)

My wife has gone back to Colombia for 3 weeks
to visit her sick aunt.

Best holiday eva
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 11:07, 7 replies)

I used to hope each year that I was finally old enough to stay at home on my own, rather than be cooped up with my parents and stroppy younger sister for two weeks, eating ice creams and bickering
Finally, aged 17 (20 years ago), I was deemed responsible enough to stay home alone and do my own thing (smoke joints and watch films, mostly). I haven't been on a family holiday since; it would never have crossed my mind.

Last year, my dad died suddenly and my nephew was born with a hole in his heart, so it's been a roller coaster of emotions for everybody.

In a few weeks, I go away to a holiday cottage with my mum, sister, brother-in-law and baby nephew. It'll be weird having so much time together under one roof and, no doubt, really emotional.

Never thought I'd say this, but I'm looking forward to it.
(Porcupine, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 10:59, 16 replies)

TURD

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 10:41, 4 replies)

2nd

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 10:41, Reply)

first
dunno yet, going tomorrow morning.

we were originally getting the Eurostar, luckily we're flying now. otherwise I could have moaned about French strikers and got some POLITICAL DEBATE going.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 24 Jul 2015, 10:29, 12 replies)